I'm a new nana, and have problems with DIL. We got on great until the baby was born.

The OP said:

So, I've known my DIL since she was 15, she's lived with us too, we've always got on brilliantly together, shopping, lunching, pubbing lol, we always got our hair done together, we got tattoos together. I'm just giving you some background really, and me and my son were her birthing partners.

Cannot help but wonder if the extraordinarily close relationship you had with your sons girlfriend didnt p* the hell out of her mother, especially if, as a truculent teen, the girl may well have used her relationship with you to manipulate her mother. It sounds frankly like a weirdly close friendship not respecting boundaries, and having you present at the birth, if she excluded her own mum, must have deeply hurt her mum.

Of course its a shock that she's now turned somewhat hostile, but given the background I am not surprised if her mum dislikes you, and is discouraging contact, and perhaps the girl, looking back, regrets the closeness she had with you.

Its really tough on you of course, as your motives at the time, were presumably, based on a liking for the girl, and enjoyment of her company, but perhaps with the benefit of hindsight, you can see the hurt that you probably caused.
Is there anything you can do to heal the relationship with your co grandma? I think that may be critical here.

Oh, sorry, Annie, I misread. I see the pat gps were planning to buy a gift but refused to discuss it with you. I can't blame them for wanting to discuss it with sil instead. He's their ds AND the baby's father/parent. Baby lives at your house, but you're not baby's parent and, imo, have no say over what baby needs or can have.

Other than that, I think you have been wonderful in trying to involve the pat gps. Their attitude is awful - just like their home, apparently. Now you need to back off and let dd and sil work out their relationship with the mat gps on their own.

I don't blame you for grabbing baby when he was obviously upset. Really, dd or sil should have done it, but they didn't, so good on you for stepping up! Sure, pat gran was upset, but baby felt better and dd was grateful. That's what matters.

Dd needs to get more of a backbone as a parent though. Sil too. Perhaps you should tell them that you're backing off and that. from now on, it's THEIR job to stand up for their baby. But could you go through with it if they dropped the ball again? Maybe not.

No matter what dil's motives, you need to respect her wishes, nanahana. It's nice of you to want to give her a break, but she doesn't want it, not from you. If you don't step back, you might find yourself cut off altogether. I wouldn't want to see that happen.

I don't get that business, Annie, about suggesting the pat gran bring a gift. Didn't she give a gift when baby was born or for a Christening or what have you? Was your dd complaining about a lack of gifts? This just doesn't make sense to me.

Crafting
Totally agree with your reply to Annis51.

While the 'other grandparents' do sound far from ideal , I too get the feeling that maternal gran and her DD, far from making an effort to include them, have simply gone through the motions of inviting them to 'does', which no doubt theyve organised to their liking, but left pat gran with no role, and that they both like it this way. I feel sorry for pat gran, despite her dirty house and alleged incompetence (how on earth did she manage to raise her son that DD loves?)

For any suggestion that they should buy a gift for the baby to come from mat gran was utterly inappropriate. The only person who had a right to ask for a gift was their own son, and even then only if he knew they could afford it. Likewise mat gran had no right to snatch the baby off her, only the parents have the right to do that.

Nanahana. As other posters have said, give it time, people and situations do change. I've had ups and downs with my grandchildren's mothers but with my trying to see their point of view and sometimes backing off it's all gradually worked out, so far! Just make sure your grandson always knows who you are and that you care about him. All the best, you've got the support and wisdom of Gransnet behind you! ?

I'm absolutely gutted by my dils actions. Her mum is a 'he's your baby not mine' grandparent and I'm trying to turn that to my advantage.

What a frustrating situation, nanahana!I get that you're hurt and disappointed! So sorry about that! (((Hugs!)))

I think the others have given you a lot of good advice. Could be a lot is going on here - DIL resenting the fact that her mom won't help out more and, as K8tie suggested, the fact that you will instead. DIL feeling like a baby machine that no one sees as a person anymore (I was thrilled to have people fuss over my babies, but some women aren't). DIL just not being comfortable with anyone taking her baby anywhere as yet. Pressure from DS/her DH to allow it even so. Tensions between her and her parents that put her on edge. Maybe PND/A. And some of the fallout is landing on you, unfortunately.

I hope you don't feel as if she trusts her parents more than you. Baby is only around them cuz she and DS and baby are living there. If they weren't, I'll bet she wouldn't let them take baby either.

So I agree that you need to respect DIL's current wishes and just go back to visiting once a week, as uncomfortable as it may be. Please consider that DIL's mom and sisters are there cuz they live there, not cuz they're watching you.

Her dad's behavior is horrible though especially towards your 8-yr-old! Why subject him to that? Can you make other arrangements for him when you go to see baby?

I also think the idea of inviting DIL and GS to visit you, sometimes, is a good one. But please accept it gracefully if she declines or says she can only come when DS is with her.

Sorry, the reply was to Annis51

Not sure what to say really. I can understand that the in-laws are not quite as one would hope. I too would not want a child (let alone baby ) going to a filthy house. I would also think that it sounds as though they are not making much of an effort to see their grandchild, whereas most GP couldn't wait to visit. They also seem to have been very wary to accept that their grandson would live and trying not to get to close but that seems very wrong to me as a grandchild is the most precious thing and wherther anything goes wrong or not most people can't help caring and loving the baby even before it's born. So yes, I can understand a lot of what you are saying and the other GP sound far from ideal. However, if you had taken my DGC from me when I was holding them and taken the child away to feed or change him, I would have been very upset. I would also have thought it was a bit much you asking me what I was going to buy for the baby.

I expect (truthfully, I am not being sarcastic) that you are a really good mum and granny. But you and your daughter seem to be quite happy looking after the baby on your own. Perhaps your SIL (and his wife) could take his child to visit with his mum and dad somewhere (maybe not their home) where the child could get used to being with them a bit. Of course your DGS cries when left with them. So did my DGD (I never let her be with me on her own until I felt she would be happy) she always was happy with her other granny. I was very lucky in that my DIL knew that I loved my DGD and did all she could to help my DGD realise I was not the ogre she thought I was. My DGD now loves spending time with me and we are very close but only because her mum worked through the situation with me (I never did anything to make my DGD dislike me, she was just very shy and did not get to see as much of me as other granny). Sorry, long post. I hope it works out for you all.

Crafting Well I wanted my SIL mother to have contact with his baby and tried to get her involved from the start. She was most reluctant. Didn't want to celebrate the 'getting pregnant' in case she lost it for instance. Pretty ridiculous since the consultant had said that the pregnancy was fine and that we could. She did come to see the baby when he was in NICU but then she ran out of the room when she saw him in tears which neither of the baby's parents needed. If I had been there I would have given her a piece of my mind but I deliberately kept out of the way so as not be considered controlling or bossy. Needless to say DD rang up on her mobile in floods of tears. SIL was here ill in bed so she was on her own. Things just went from bad to worse until I rang them up and said are you going to take an interest in the only grandchild you're likely to have???? They live less than 2 miles away. They did turn up but the baby took one look and screamed his head off which didn't help. He was 10 months by then. He's now 4 and I have made a consistent effort to get them over and the boy will now go to his Grandpa and accept a cuddle. His other granny he avoids if he can and she isn't toddler competent. Unfortunately this woman is very lazy about housework and her house is revolting. Really, really filthy and this is why my DD makes a big fuss if the children go there. My SIL is not allowed to take them there because it is so dirty. The lino was put down 35 years ago and is in shreds. It is never washed. They keep sheep and leave their mucky boots next to the Aga so it stinks. Grandpa smells too so it is awful. Grandpa has a wash before he comes here though. My SIL hasn't told them so it is awkward. I think that leaving the baby with them when he was small would have been impossible. He weighed 4lbs 5oz at birth and was in NICU for a fortnight. He was on 8 feeds a day when they let him out. He was very fragile. They were invited to come and see him and when she came (he was 3 weeks) she didn't even look at him just chated to 'her' son. They did attend his Christening but she only got to hold him because his godfather's wife handed him to her much to my DD's horror. He immediately started to cry and she bounced him up and down his poor little head wobbling. I think that she was holding him too upright and definitely too tight. Anyway it was time for his bottle so I scooped him up and took him away to change him. Apparently there were protests but my better-half said that the baby was upset so it was better for him not to be held by strangers if it upset him and he came first. My DD arrived in tears and said Oh well done Mummy. I handed him to her and then the bottle and left her to it. Other Granny was moaning about it and I told her quite firmly that it was her own fault. The poor baby didn't know her and that she had been invited several times and she had always had something else to do. This is the result. We didn't hear from them for over 3 months. So I do know what it is like to have to cope with in laws.
In relation to babies you have to go with the mum. If you want to have contact with your grandchild you have to make an effort to get on with the parents. It is more difficult for the mother of the father to get on with her DIL rather than the other way round. My DD gets on with her FIL fine. He's a farmer and knows that you take the sheep's lamb from her and she'll become aggressive. After all there are almost no FIL jokes are there? Unless sole charge contact is offered you can't expect it. Often the parents of the father buy the pram or at least a very nice gift. DD got a pair of bootees from the hospital shop which cost £2. They were very sweet and he did wear them a lot. I took a special photo of him wearing them and gave it to them in a silver frame. They have it on display in their sitting room. You can just about see it amongst all the mess. I tried to discuss what they were going to give the baby but they would only discuss it with their son. When he mentioned it they said well let's wait and see if he makes it or not - he's not been born yet. Very encouraging. He mentioned it again after the birth and she said oh I expect your MIL has bought everything already which I had not. He gave up when he really should have said No she hasn't and can't you make an effort even if it is just to write a cheque. Things have got better sort of. They have now offered to babysit but the boy won't be left with them. He cries if it is mentioned. He says Granny don't go and he hangs onto my leg. This is only if it is suggested not if we are there. Anyway DD has now got a job so I have the boy after school which is easier than them collecting him. Besides there is all the bother of another car seat another £300 since ours won't fit their car because it doesn't have isofix.
I think that babies should stay with their mothers. The in laws have to make a conscious effort to be nice to their DIL and not to 'take the baby away' for even a second. Wait to be asked.

I think its quite normal for a new mum not to want anyone to 'take the baby' anywhere. New mums are so protective and often don't trust anyone else to look after baby properly. I think you should just be content with visits and maybe pram rides.

It was the beginning of the post which rang a few warning bells for me. Being such a close friend to your daughter in law is too close in my opinion.

Familiarity breeds contempt- so the saying goes. After being so fiendly she's finding it hard to give up her baby for a whole afternoon. I agree with GrannyO, I wouldn't have felt comfortable letting my baby out of my sight at a few months old.
Stand back and wait for him to grow up. She will be more than willing to give hime up for a few hours when he is older.

I couldn't bear to let my baby out of my sight for an afternoon at that age, there's no way I'd have let anyone take him for whole afternoon.

Giving one's grown-up daughter, her partner, and their baby a home counts as support in my book.

K8tie post has nailed it I think. You are showing the support that she wants from her own mother and she is not getting it and most likely grieving about that. She may resent you because of this. It is totally unfair/irrational and not your fault AT ALL but as we all know feelings are what they are and not always rational. Add possible PND and their difficult living situation into the mix does not make for a happy DIL.
I would stop the taking baby out alone, support DIL by offering to take her out, with or without baby, do things for her. I well remember the feeling invisible as a new mother and that I didn't matter, it was all about the baby. If she doesn't want to go out or do anything with you just accept it for now, quietly keep offering support to her and let her know you are there for her anytime, it's a waiting game I think.

Judthepud. What your daughter went through sounds horrific.
When was this?
Because no court in the UK would have ever made her do that. Please tell her that she can refuse.
I bet there was a lot of bullying going on your poor daughter.

Quite a few of the recent posts have, I think, put the finger on it. A lot of new mums get very anxious about their babies being taken away even by caring grannies, a very normal reaction if you think about it. Once they have 2 or 3 others, they are usually quite glad of the help.

The suggestion that DIL come to you with the baby occasionally may work better if you used to have a good relationship beforehand.

DD3 was left by her H when she was pregnant. He reappeared again to play at being a 'good daddy' after the baby was born. His mother wanted him brought to her about twice a week for the day. DD got very distressed about this. She had to abandon breast feeding and provide bottles. As there were smokers in the house, she used to say her baby didn't smell like hers when he was brought back. Because of all this and the problems with her H, she had difficulties bonding with the little one until he was about 2. I was so sad for her. Could see what was happening but powerless to stop it.

It sounds like the young mum is living in a fairly hostile situation, with her own mother who refuses to mind the baby while she has a shower and her father who thinks it's fine to blank an 8-year old child.
As others said, who knows what pressures she is experiencing while living there.
Difficult as it feels for you, Nanahana, you need to not make any demands on your DiL.
Stop expecting to take the baby out but don't withdraw contact altogether. That would be like "ghosting" which is very hurtful. Just try to get back to the friendly relationship you used to have with your DiL, and don't make the baby your focus of attention.

Hi Nanahana, I had PNA after the birth of my first son. I was so anxious, I was terrified to let him out of my sight, even if he was with his dad. For me, the anxiety finally wore off after the birth of my second son. Suddenly, with two precious sons, I wanted everyone to share in my joy (of course, not to the extent that they were out of my sight for very long, and only with my parents or my husband's - but it was a start). Hang on in there, luv.

I'm wondering if the resentment from the in-laws goes back to when their daughter moved in with you..? How old was she then? Did you take her to the pub when she was under age? I would feel a bit cheesed off if my daughter had moved in with her in-laws and her mil had encouraged her to have a tattoo. Who knows?
I do agree with those who suggest you standing back for a while.
Good luck.

Sounds like there's a lot of other stuff going on here.
Possibly depression.
Some women 'think' they want a close relative for a birthing partner, then hate the fact that they were there at such a vulnerable time.
Some mums are told by others that it would be nice to have a break from the baby, but actually, they don't feel that at all.
She may well feel very uncomfortable at her mum's home, and worse when you are there. Heaven knows what her mum says!
Nearly 40 years ago, I hated anyone taking my baby, even for a few minutes, and I hated having the 2 grans in the same room as me. If I had to live with one of them I would have been miserable.

Let your son know that you will do what you can to be helpful, and will be led by him and his wife.

From the OP it sounds as though the baby is at least 7/8 months old, so not a newborn.

Probably need to be very patient and supportive and expect nothing in return. Maybe you DIL needs some independent support following the birth. I do hope it sorts out and you are all able to enjoy the new baby.

I think time is the answer. I know every case is different but I didn't have my DGCs on my own very much when they were tiny but now they are both 2. I am asked for sleepovers almost every weekend! I often have to say no as I am too busy! Be patient.

Annis51 I think perhaps your DD might consider the fact that the baby is not just hers but is in fact part of her husband who has a mother who would like to spend time with her GS. I would have been very upset if I had to visit my DGC in other granny's house all the time. I agree that the MIL does not have the right to request GC on her own every week but is it not possible for your D and SIL to visit his mother with the baby at her house for a few hours so that she could get the chance to be a granny too. Seems only fair to me (unless of course MIL is some sort of monster who can't be allowed near the baby at any cost )

nanahanna sorry, I got sidetracked. Could you not ask your DIL to visit you with the baby for a few hours? I can understand why a new mum (or any mum for that matter) would worry about the baby being away from her for any length of time but if she came too that might be better. Good luck anyway.