Should we live selfish lives

When I was bowed down by the demands, many of them very stressful, of family problems, a wise woman asked me to think what I would value on my deathbed: either I had had lots of nice holidays or I had been a help and support to my family when they needed me. My answer? It had to be the latter. My family are more important to me than anything else.

Morethan I know you have been going through a really difficult time recently, but you are providing support to the vulnerable people in your family when they need it. Your poor DIL is suffering, as are your son and little GCs. You are doing an amazing much needed job, not being a Martyr IMO.

If this friend feels ok about her choice, then that is her decision. Don't let her make you feel bad about your choice.

We don't always understand our own motivations let alone the motivation of others. I agree with jud, morethan, your friend has made her own choice, the fact that it is different to the choice you have made doesn't mean you are wrong.

A cousin did exactly what your friend is planning, in the situation she was in I don't think I could have done the same but it worked for her. We're all different, your care for your family shines through. You can only be who you are just as your friend can only be who she is.

Morethan, you are the one with a clear conscience and should realise that you are a caring, lovely person. My brother and sister cleared off when they were young but I'm glad I stuck around for my parents.

Its never seemed a choice or a conscious decision for me. Family just come first. End of.

I misread the middle part of your OP, morethan. Not paying close enough attention. Apologies.

If someone isn't dying, what I said earlier still holds though. For me.

I wonder if morethan's friend, "the kindest and loveliest person" does not see morethan's daughter-in-law's situation as quite so grave. I am reluctant to think someone heartless who probably isn't. By definition, kind and lovely people aren't heartless.

Or selfish.

I have a friend ( a committed Christian) who has moved away from her elderly Mother and 95 yr old MIL , I will never, ever understand her reasoning . I suppose we are all so different but I could never do it , the 95 yr old is housebound and has no other relatives in the area . My friend says she needs to be `in a home` but she was coping well with my friend and her OH giving a little support . Her own Mum has always been quite independent although she struggles with keeping her home tidy etc recently . The reason I mentioned the ` Christian` bit is because I thought this would make her more likely to care for her family not less . You are not a martyr , just a decent , unselfish person !

I couldn't do it either, leave my frail elderly mother and a daughter with mental health problems whilst I went off to live in the sun. To suggest that your friend, the OP, is being a martyr because she is supporting her family when they need her, is just wrong. I don't want to be unpleasant about your friend more than but she doesn't sound like a kind or a lovely person to me.

My four siblings and I 'left' our parents when we graduated from university. My parents 'left' their parents similarly. We all moved away from the places we grew up in, sometimes by a very long way.

My youngest brother, because of the accidental wreckage of his own life, has been able to 'go back' to help our mother out in her very old age. Accidents apart, her care would have to have been dealt with from a distance.

This is true for several other of my school and university friends: 'leaving' parents, for us and for our families clearly means something quite different from some of the expectations apparent in this thread. It doesn't mean we've abandoned them and don't care about them and won't help when necessity demands.

Perhaps morethan's friend felt she would still be able, and available, to help family members from abroad. It's not as if travel isn't relatively easy nowadays.

I couldn't do it either. Our 3 DDs and their families all lead their own lives but choose to include us in it. Apart from loving them as Daughter they are also like very very dear friends. The thought of choosing to leave our cherished Grandchildren .....

I suppose if one has grown up with the idea and fact of close grandparental involvement, such situations do take on a very different appearance.

My (not yet ex) SiL has done just this. He,and the new lady in his life, have moved 3000 miles away for a lovely life in the sun, he is working, but a lovely life nevertheless, leaving behind his 2 children who miss him terribly and parents of 89 and 90. My D and GC called to see them recently,they also live 300 miles away, and said they are very frail. I just couldn't have done it.

Latest research shows that grandparents who help with childcare live, on average, seven years longer than those who don't. My guess is that caring for others is actually good for you.

Well it certainly keeps you fit!

I think people who don't care or think about others are the luckiest people in the world.
Have spent my life worrying about others , I didn't leave my husband because of my children and because my parents thought he was wonderful, which he is on the surface but is horrid within our relationship. Now my parents are gone, my children have left home and aren't really interested in my problems, and I am left with a relationship that makes me suicidal....at 67 and failing health.....my point being, thinking of others means we often do not have happy lives for ourselves.

As we get older we have so little time.....being selfless when you are young and have years to sacrifice is one thing, but You don't have years to sacrifice as you get older.

If it were me in that situation I would feel I have to stay. That's not necessarily the right decision. I would look for a compromise.....take long holidays abroad but spend long spells here in between. Her Mum won't be here for ever and it sounds as though her DD manages her life, if she would be able to travel to visit. She can always move abroad later if she still wants to. My parents have both passed but I couldn't have left them, even with 4 siblings. They looked after us very well so we'd do the same.

Gosh and I'm feeling a tad guilty for booking a month long holiday and leaving a frail auntie in an assisted living facility and DD to sort out additional child care over Easter holidays. Neither of them are complaining (well DD is a bit in "jest"). Being needed is a pain sometimes but ignoring others' needs takes a strong character. It takes all sorts I suppose and we can only be who we are. Personally I'd rather be remembered as someone "family focused" than someone who put herself "first & foremost".

My daughter lives 2 and a half hrs away by car my son lives 1hr away by plane. 3/4 hr to the airport 1hr in the airport before departure. My dh and I have 2 x 3 week holidays in the sun every year and more if we can manage to. Nowhere do we not help out with our nearest and dearest and believe me we've had to work hard at being around in times of need. Life is all about a healthy balance of personal needs and helping others.

Not to put too fine a point on it - in the bare circumstances you describe - It feels like abandonment and neglect. We don't have the fine detail - has the daughter other support, for instance. Has her Mum got other support, is your friend an only child? Are Mum and daughter in residential care? Even so I hope I wouldn't do what your friend is considering.
I have a young friend who had an accident that has permanently disabled her. She had very young children. Her husband was magnificent, but his parents went off on a holiday in the sun very far away and left him to it. It was the root cause of a severe rift that is causing heartbreak all round.

Your friend does not sound lovely or kind, she sounds selfish. That is not a criticism, merely a statement of fact, as I thought kindness is demonstrated in how you treat others - so how does she demonstrate her kindness?

She must be one very special person to be able to sail away leaving so much distress and need behind her, and that need in her own flesh and blood.

That was the choice we had to make in 1979. DH had a wonderful opportunity to go to New Zealand to take up a very good job in IT - all expenses paid and they would have helped us to buy a house too. But ... my in-laws were part of a large family and the other cousins had either died or emigrated so it was just us and 6 older generation family members, several of whom had health problems.
We stayed and helped them to live independently until the very end. e I have no regrets (well maybe just a few) but if we had gone we would have worried ourselves witess about them.
It cost me dear in pension years as the DHSS would not give me any pension credit for my caring role even though they all lived in Devon and we were in Wiltshire. We just bit the bullet. Love gives and does not count the cost

I gave 10 years of my life up to nurse a sick parent through intermittent bouts of cancer. That meant a lot of unpaid leave at work (and loss of pension & income). I also gave up a long term but long distance relationship as I couldn't be a carer AND travel to see my partner.

I don't regret looking after my parent, but I sure as hell miss my ex-P. I'm middle-aged now and I also gave up my chance to have children of my own, with the man I loved. And I bet when I finally get my pension I will regret how small it is.

But I can't see how I could have lived with myself I hadn't done the nursing? What kind of daughter would I have been?

Mental illness is hard for any parent to deal with when it affects their child. We are all different in our relationships and views on how they work. I know people who are available for their children and families from a great geographical distance. Not ideal but we all have to make our choices.

Perhaps the women in question has not been given much of a choice by her husband. Even in this day and age.