Should we live selfish lives

Words fail me, I'm afraid...

I wouldn't go under the circumstances. What people forget is things change and they might need people's support one day which might then not be forthcoming.

That's not the point though. They shouldn't stay just because they might need people's support one day!

If I read your post right your kind and lovely friend is going to swan off to sunnier climes and leave behind an elderly mother in failing health, is she taking her daughter with her? Sounds a thoroughly selfish act to me but that's just my opinion maybe she has good reasons. I couldn't leave my family and move abroad for various reasons.

I am afraid that she doesn't sound the kindest or loveliest person to me! A daughter with mental health issues and an ailing Mother, and she wants to sit about in the sun in another country? Pah!

I couldn't leave under those circumstances. I do think though that some parents give up their own life for their children unnecessarily, we shouldn't live our lives through our grown children.

That's true Ana but it causes rifts and they sound selfish.

Not sure what you mean, stayanotherday. What causes rifts?

What makes me happy is my Family , much as I love the sun

DH and I had plans to move to Spain when he retired this year
However we had three beautiful GC arrive in the space of 2 yrs.
One DS and GS lives a distance away and DIL has no parents of her own.
My DD live near us, her partner works away from home so she relies heavily on us, as we are the only GP who live locally.
My MIL who we were going to take with us has developed dementia.

So we are staying put.

I do agree with your friend when she says 'that we would tell our own DC to go and make a life for themselves'

But that is how it should be
Children don't asked to be born.

Sorry 'ask to be born'

Although I agree that you can't live your life just for your children - if my son and his family aren't well and happy then neither am I. It's not a choice - it's just the way it is. I can't enjoy myself unless I feel they are ok. Once a mum.....

"......you have to do what makes you happy" If you deliberately move far away from vulnerable family members who will miss your support and you can still be happy....that's some achievement

Do the children need her or does she like to think that they need her help? Adults can solve their own problems if they are not pampered.

I couldn't do it ,I looked after my mother for 12 years after dad died with help from my older sister ,my younger sister abdicated ,she didn't move just changed her phone number and wouldn't answer letters or her door if she knew it was one of us,she kept her kids away too,even at the times when mum was in hospital .When people asked her about her childhood she always says she had awonderful childhood ,or so mums nurse said ? I dont know why she acted as she did ,she put in an appearance at mums funeral with her partners parents by her side so I'm guessing she made up some cock and bull story and they thought WE were at fault.Now my daughter has a horrible illness and we're looking for a house closer to her so we can help with the kids,she says" dont do it because you might come to resent me" I know that will never happen I couldn't walk away from her ,,ever .My best friends also dont understand why I want to be there for her ,they aren't like that with their kids,I suppose we are all just different.If I didn't do my best for her I couldn't live with myself .Families all have their own way of doing things an dwe just have to accept that

I'm not sure it is always (or even ever in some cases) possible for parents to help their mentally ill offspring. Even medical professionals struggle to effectively treat some illnesses.

In the case mentioned, if the (adult?) daughter's mental illness is unlikely to improve, and if the parents are unable to be helpful, or their daughter doesn't want their help, why shouldn't they choose to do something they want to do if they are otherwise free?

You never know, they might even be thinking that their daughter could visit them in sunnier climes and benefit from that.

All I'm really saying is that I don't think it's automatically wrong for people to move away from other family members and I think it must be annoying to be on the end of other, non-family people's disapproval.

"Adults can solve their own problems if they are not pampered."

I think that I got a lot of things wrong, as a parent, that might not have happened had my mother not died suddenly when my children were young.
Without being pampered, I could have benefited from her view of things.

Sometimes I'd just love to run away, to somewhere warm where no one knows me or needs me. I'm betting many of us have had those thoughts in our darkest hours.

But I just couldn't do it. It would cause too many people, some of them very little people, sadness and pain.

I think I could do it. If I wanted to, which I don't.

G'night, folks.

morethan2
She thinks I'm being a Martyr because I couldn't in all conscious leave my son and his family of three little ones to cope with his wife's serious illness and the probable horrific outcome
Of course you couldn't, because you're a normal, loving mother and grandmother and I think it's impertinent of your friend to try to make you feel bad by suggesting you're a martyr. That's never said in a good way, is it?
My guess is that she is projecting her feelings of guilt at leaving her mother and daughter on to you - don't take any notice and whatever the outcome for your DDiL and DS, you will know that you've done your very best for them and been there when they needed you.

I don't think her family are annoyed. Her mother is worried about getting frail and of course she'll miss her. My friend is an only child. Her daughter won't go with her but I'm sure will visit. I just think it's interesting the way different people think. She just thinks no one should put their life on hold for other people and then perhaps look back on our own lives with regret for lost opportunities. I'm not a phycologist but there is part of me that thinks she may very well be right and her attitude is emotionally healthy and there's somthing about me and others like me who are wrong and almost need to be needed.

What a selfless mother mother in law and grandmother you are, any person would be happy to look after this little family .PG she will recover but while she is ill you are needed....Good luck

'Anya' - your comment says it all - I couldn't do it either... ❤️

Anya - your comment says it all - I couldn't do it either ....❤️

(((correction)))