Should we live selfish lives

I misread the middle part of your OP, morethan. Not paying close enough attention. Apologies.

If someone isn't dying, what I said earlier still holds though. For me.

Its never seemed a choice or a conscious decision for me. Family just come first. End of.

Morethan, you are the one with a clear conscience and should realise that you are a caring, lovely person. My brother and sister cleared off when they were young but I'm glad I stuck around for my parents.

We don't always understand our own motivations let alone the motivation of others. I agree with jud, morethan, your friend has made her own choice, the fact that it is different to the choice you have made doesn't mean you are wrong.

A cousin did exactly what your friend is planning, in the situation she was in I don't think I could have done the same but it worked for her. We're all different, your care for your family shines through. You can only be who you are just as your friend can only be who she is.

When I was bowed down by the demands, many of them very stressful, of family problems, a wise woman asked me to think what I would value on my deathbed: either I had had lots of nice holidays or I had been a help and support to my family when they needed me. My answer? It had to be the latter. My family are more important to me than anything else.

Morethan I know you have been going through a really difficult time recently, but you are providing support to the vulnerable people in your family when they need it. Your poor DIL is suffering, as are your son and little GCs. You are doing an amazing much needed job, not being a Martyr IMO.

If this friend feels ok about her choice, then that is her decision. Don't let her make you feel bad about your choice.

Anya - your comment says it all - I couldn't do it either ....❤️

(((correction)))

'Anya' - your comment says it all - I couldn't do it either... ❤️

What a selfless mother mother in law and grandmother you are, any person would be happy to look after this little family .PG she will recover but while she is ill you are needed....Good luck

I don't think her family are annoyed. Her mother is worried about getting frail and of course she'll miss her. My friend is an only child. Her daughter won't go with her but I'm sure will visit. I just think it's interesting the way different people think. She just thinks no one should put their life on hold for other people and then perhaps look back on our own lives with regret for lost opportunities. I'm not a phycologist but there is part of me that thinks she may very well be right and her attitude is emotionally healthy and there's somthing about me and others like me who are wrong and almost need to be needed.

morethan2
She thinks I'm being a Martyr because I couldn't in all conscious leave my son and his family of three little ones to cope with his wife's serious illness and the probable horrific outcome
Of course you couldn't, because you're a normal, loving mother and grandmother and I think it's impertinent of your friend to try to make you feel bad by suggesting you're a martyr. That's never said in a good way, is it?
My guess is that she is projecting her feelings of guilt at leaving her mother and daughter on to you - don't take any notice and whatever the outcome for your DDiL and DS, you will know that you've done your very best for them and been there when they needed you.

I think I could do it. If I wanted to, which I don't.

G'night, folks.

Sometimes I'd just love to run away, to somewhere warm where no one knows me or needs me. I'm betting many of us have had those thoughts in our darkest hours.

But I just couldn't do it. It would cause too many people, some of them very little people, sadness and pain.

"Adults can solve their own problems if they are not pampered."

I think that I got a lot of things wrong, as a parent, that might not have happened had my mother not died suddenly when my children were young.
Without being pampered, I could have benefited from her view of things.

I'm not sure it is always (or even ever in some cases) possible for parents to help their mentally ill offspring. Even medical professionals struggle to effectively treat some illnesses.

In the case mentioned, if the (adult?) daughter's mental illness is unlikely to improve, and if the parents are unable to be helpful, or their daughter doesn't want their help, why shouldn't they choose to do something they want to do if they are otherwise free?

You never know, they might even be thinking that their daughter could visit them in sunnier climes and benefit from that.

All I'm really saying is that I don't think it's automatically wrong for people to move away from other family members and I think it must be annoying to be on the end of other, non-family people's disapproval.

I couldn't do it ,I looked after my mother for 12 years after dad died with help from my older sister ,my younger sister abdicated ,she didn't move just changed her phone number and wouldn't answer letters or her door if she knew it was one of us,she kept her kids away too,even at the times when mum was in hospital .When people asked her about her childhood she always says she had awonderful childhood ,or so mums nurse said ? I dont know why she acted as she did ,she put in an appearance at mums funeral with her partners parents by her side so I'm guessing she made up some cock and bull story and they thought WE were at fault.Now my daughter has a horrible illness and we're looking for a house closer to her so we can help with the kids,she says" dont do it because you might come to resent me" I know that will never happen I couldn't walk away from her ,,ever .My best friends also dont understand why I want to be there for her ,they aren't like that with their kids,I suppose we are all just different.If I didn't do my best for her I couldn't live with myself .Families all have their own way of doing things an dwe just have to accept that

Do the children need her or does she like to think that they need her help? Adults can solve their own problems if they are not pampered.

"......you have to do what makes you happy" If you deliberately move far away from vulnerable family members who will miss your support and you can still be happy....that's some achievement

Although I agree that you can't live your life just for your children - if my son and his family aren't well and happy then neither am I. It's not a choice - it's just the way it is. I can't enjoy myself unless I feel they are ok. Once a mum.....

Sorry 'ask to be born'

DH and I had plans to move to Spain when he retired this year
However we had three beautiful GC arrive in the space of 2 yrs.
One DS and GS lives a distance away and DIL has no parents of her own.
My DD live near us, her partner works away from home so she relies heavily on us, as we are the only GP who live locally.
My MIL who we were going to take with us has developed dementia.

So we are staying put.

I do agree with your friend when she says 'that we would tell our own DC to go and make a life for themselves'

But that is how it should be
Children don't asked to be born.

What makes me happy is my Family , much as I love the sun

Not sure what you mean, stayanotherday. What causes rifts?

That's true Ana but it causes rifts and they sound selfish.

I couldn't leave under those circumstances. I do think though that some parents give up their own life for their children unnecessarily, we shouldn't live our lives through our grown children.

I am afraid that she doesn't sound the kindest or loveliest person to me! A daughter with mental health issues and an ailing Mother, and she wants to sit about in the sun in another country? Pah!