Looking after grandchildren

Lorelei, lovely post

My DD lives about 10 miles from me but I have never been asked to "babysit" but her & OH rarely go out & when they do DGS stays with friends who have children similar age. Also I don't drive at night, struggle driving in the dark. I don't worry though & just enjoy the times we do spend together. DGS gets so excited when he knows he's going to see me, he's nearly 7, that's enough for me

DD knows I'm there if she does need me.

We cannot "insist" that we look after our GC. We can just be ready to help when we are able. It is not about our needs.

Lorelei your contribution has moved me considerably. What a rounded and generous person you are. Well done. Hope you continue to reap the benefits you seem to be experiencing at the moment.

We just have to take what we are given. Be grateful and happy that we are so blessed to have G C . I never felt very confident with my in laws until they arrived early once and caught me hoovering! After that they were fine with me!

Thanks for the replies.

My relationship with my daughter in law is so much different to my relationship with my own parent in laws. My children were regularly looked after by the whole family from a very young age. We both worked so my father, aunt, parent in laws, and sister in law helped wherever they could, we would have struggled without our families support.

My daughter in law has always been resistant to accept help from us, and in the past I have foolishly insisted in helping. This has caused a lot of tension. I have pulled away completely and left my daughter in law alone and now we barely see her. I do agree that my relationship with my daughter in law will not likely improve.

My daughter in laws family do live slightly closer, and her family have other children whereas my grandson is the only child in our family. I just find it hard to believe that in almost 2 years we have never been required, especially since her family are always incredibly busy.

I know there is nothing I can do and I do mostly accept this. I just can't help feeling heartbroken, especially when I know I may be partly to blame.

It is sad and comforting to hear from others with similar experiences.

Absoulty marnie.I agree.I have teo sons no daughters.3 gc all boys.I see two of them on a fri after school for a few hrs,and i had to fight for tgat tooth and nail.The baby is only a infant and dil never lets me mind him or any infant till there well over 18mths old.Son just gives in fir a quet life.

I split from my daughter's father when she was only 6 months old. His parents loved my daughter - his dad was always friendly but his mum didn't take to me at all and even threw a mug at me once (missed me!) I was a gobby teenager with a bit of an attitude but recognised the value in my daughter having a relationship with her paternal grandmother and managed to come to an agreement where I could drop baby off, exchange a few civil words and let her 'babysit' then collect her at agreed time. It wasn't convenient for me and often involved a quite lengthy bus ride and long walk to get there, and back home. Strangely, when her husband died it was me the sort-of-mother-in-law turned to (she had 5 kids including my daughter's father but all were busy with their own lives and didn't have much time for her). I spent many days/evenings keeping her company over the next couple of years until she felt able to crack on with her own life, make new friends etc and she did tell me she appreciated everything I did to support her - that meant a lot to me and taught me a few life lessons - people are complicated and multi-faceted, can be capable of change etc. She might not have been my favourite person in the world and it would've been easy to criticise what I saw as her faults, but she had raised 5 kids well and wasn't all bad - guess it took us both some time to get used to and accept the other, faults and all

I would just like to see my gc. Dil mother lives round corner from us but they sit while parents work and go out evenings a and there every holiday and birthday. I do think girls gravitate to their mother's but it leaves us mother's of sons with awful feelings of being ignored abandoned and useless.

It may not be much comfort to you, but anthropological studies show that in all societies there is a tendency for mothers to prefer their own female relatives for care of infants and children. It is tough for you though and I sympathise.

NellyBu, I really feel for you. No matter what is happening or who's fault it is you are obviously suffering heartache. I was supposed to be minding our first grandchild when my daughter returned to work. She rang me and told me she was looking for a nursery place. I was stunned... after she returned to work I found out that her Mil is minding our grandchild. Her Mil is much older than me but very controlling. I was devastated, still am, but you have to learn to live with what you have. Don't waste your life. Feel better x

NellyBu, you are most certainly NOT alone. I relate very much to almost everything you have said. Much comes from the more natural and strong Mother/daughter relationship but not all. Live with the jealousy and do what you can. Try to think back to how it was with yourself and your MiL. Think I may have been a little guilty there myself retrospectively.......

Maybe her sisters have kids so they cam return the favour immediately?

Don't read too much into it all, early days yet perhaps.

There will come a time when they do need you and it will resolve itself naturally, as things often do.

Hi NellyBu I am trying to look at this from a different angle and wonder if the reasons you have not been asked to babysit could be simply because they rarely need babysitters and on the occasions they do, DiL's family just live closer or are able to have the baby overnight? How far away do you live? Do you have transport? Would you be able to do an overnight? Do you have facilities at yours? Etc.

I wonder what would be said if you asked directly if you could take your grandson out for the day? Not babysitting just a day /morning/afternoon out.

I remember your threads. I would cherish the relationship you have with your son and grandson, i really dont think the relationship with your DIL will get any better tbh.

You have offered babysitting and thats all you can do, because of the fragile relationship with your DIL don't mention babysitting to her, you have offered, they know, don't keep mentioning it.

Don't let it worry you. You've offered and that's all you can do. Often daughter do turn to their family first, so it's not unusual. Just enjoy what you have and make the most of it.

Just one little thing. When next you do see your DIL perhaps mention to her that if they're ever stuck and her mum can't help out, you're available, and perhaps add what a lovely boy your GS is and that he's a credit to her. DiLs need to know they are appreciated and that you approve of her ability as a mother. We sometimes don't make that clear. Verbal strokes are always welcome.