Looking after grandchildren

Some of these posts are so sad.....but it's encouraging when people realise that good things happen when we try to change our behaviour and just be tactful and kind and patient

Katy - your little grandchild is less than a month old and you are stressing about not being 'allowed' to babysit. I expect you are being sensible and keeping your upset to yourself. Many mothers are nowhere near ready to have someone babysit such a tiny baby. Her own mum, maybe, but not her MIL....this is absolutely normal.

I have grandchildren to my daughter and also to my son (quite a new baby). I offered to help my DIL, but it was tentative and when she told me her own mum would be helping her and coming to stay, I was fine about that! That's the way things are, surely? I am pretty sure when the baby is a little older, I'll be able to help more.

Nelly, things sound as if they are going to get better, in their own way and in their own time. Your son can feedback to your DIL that you are a New Woman You are absolutely right not to jeopardise this new progress. If you have been forceful and insistent in the past, as you say you have, then it might take a long time for your DIL to be confident with you.

As someone said, it's not about us and our feelings and needs. Being jealous of the other grandparents is a horribly negative, and we can be sure others see that we are....we need to give ourselves a sharp talking to, if we feel that

* RedheadedMommy*

"Keep doing what your doing and cherish your DGS"

Exactly. ^

NellyBu "I have been very forceful in my approach to my daughter in law even before they were married. However my son repeatedly told me to back off and leave her alone but I didn't." "I only recently stopped trying due to the advice from you ladies. My son now visits roughly once a month with my grandson but my daughter in law has stayed away."

This post is fabulous. You listened and backed off and are able to visit with ds again. Well done.

Mob Handed bit strong that considering the other gran and grampa were allowed we were not going into the school merely observing from a distance what we thought was a very special milestone in her life!

Oh Nellybu
What a brave and honest post. Your attitude is remarkable. You have took the advice, stepped back and you understand why its gone abit wrong. You sound like a lovley person and i dont think it was done out of maliciousness (if that's a word!) But care and maybe abit of habit?

Your DIL is just different and thats ok. And you know that. Just keep doing what you're doing and maybe in a few months offer them all to go out for dinner/lunch/coffee? That way if they accept you can show your DIL that you have stepped back and understand why it went wrong.

Keep doing what your doing and cherish your DGS

Of course it might upset a child on its first day at school if grandmother and great grandmother turned up mob-handed

Even though I was lucky enough to mind all my my grandchildren from babies to pre-school, I'd never even have dreamed of 'turning up at the school gates' on their first day.

Same position here but I am right at the bottom of the pile being a step gran and now accept I may never be asked.

I feel your angst my GD is now 5 and at school and we have never been allowed to be on our own with her let alone babysit. Me and my mother were told not to go the school gates on the day she started school as it might upset her! I have never pushed her pram took her on outings holidays etc but the other gran has done all of these things after many tears and soul searching I find I can only cope by distancing my feelings toward her.

That is one of the most honest posts I've ever read on this subject

You've managed to develop insight into why this problem has arisen NellyBu and are trying hard to acknowledge your own part in it and moderate your behaviour. You say this change in your attitude is quite recent and that has resulted in your son and grandson visiting more. That's a great start to build on. I'm sure your son will feed back to DiL the new, more easy going, you. But it will take time.

You've made a good start on rebuilding your adult relationship with your son. Well done

I felt very sad reading your post nelly. It's hard when we only want to help but that help is misconstrued. I'm not sure what happened over the wedding that you think began the difficulty. No matter, your daughter in law has a very different approach to life, her family operate very differently, it's not surprising you have been at cross purposes. We all have our own picture of how life will or should be, it's rare that others share our picture. You explain that one of your sons does, which is wonderful. Others have a different view. Different is just that, it doesn't make any of you right or wrong but it can lead to misunderstanding and upset. Maybe in time you will have the opportunity to mend some bridges with your daughter in law. In the meantime go gently with your son and grandson. Be interested in your son, don't just focus on his son. You can't go back and change the past but you can often make the future different. There can be no guarantees and of course it would take time, patience and I suspect a lot of holding back. I do hope it will happen.

Thank you everyone who has replied.

Whoever said my daughter in law is still holding on to the past is correct. She is still angry with my contribution to the wedding and it was after the wedding she started to distance herself from us.

I have been very forceful in my approach to my daughter in law even before they were married. However my son repeatedly told me to back off and leave her alone but I didn't. I'm so used to being in charge and everyone relying on me that when my daughter in law came along it was a shock because she didn't/ doesn't need me. She says her family bought her up to be independent.

I ignored my son and continued to be forceful and help them and all it did was drive them further away. My daughter in law stopped talking to me and my sons visits became more and more infrequent. I hoped my grandson would bring us all closer together but my attempts to help and request visits were met with silence.

I only recently stopped trying due to the advice from you ladies. My son now visits roughly once a month with my grandson but my daughter in law has stayed away. I have no idea if/ when we will see her again. I have always wanted the type of grandparent relationship my parents and grandparents had. I always envisioned day trips and sleepovers and granny coming to the rescue at the last minute. I love big family get togethers and everyone helping each other out but out of my three sons only one of them seems to share this sentiment.

I get that my daughter in law is closer to her parents and from that sounds of it they leave her to it until she comes calling. To me this has always seemed to cold and unsupportive. I am used to swooping in, not waiting until I am called.

I will just continue to bond with my grandson and maybe one day my daughter in law will come round.

Lorelei that's a wonderful post. I loved my first MiL and grandma to my DS dearly.She had been prickly at first as her DS (my DH) was on only child, but we became friends which lasted until her early sad death whilst having hip surgery.
She adored my DS and even though I divorced her DS, we talked every week and I visited her when she was in pain with her hip.

I still think about her periodically. She and my FiL helped out with furniture when DH and I first got married, and when I gave birth, it was they who came to stay inspite of both having full time jobs. My own parents weren't as close and didn't put themselves out at all.
I hear what has been said about Daughters turning to their own mothers and sisters more naturally with childcare - but sometimes it does go the other way. Sometimes its equal too - when I was a grandchild, both DGMs had me to stay (I was the first) equally.

NellyBu, you said things are slightly better with son and you see ds and gs without dil, but you don't want to jeopardise any progress. You haven't been asked to babysit and gs is almost two. Your dil may be holding onto whatever happened and never let it go, I'm sorry your feelings are hurt but I'd concentrate on your ds.

So sorry to read your post Poly. There's a thread on the Relationships forum where GM's who share your experience post to share and support. Can't remember the exact title, we've recently started a new one and it's rather long but it is about coping with estrangement and moving forward.

Hi Poly580- I feel your pain- I'm single luckily have my own life! Our relationship has been very up and down! But you wonder why they do this? But this is very early days- I also have a son who I adore! - he knows what she is like! But my son-in law is the one who can see- I think he doesn't like this- but il wait and keep you posted! Xx ? thanks - hope ur situation gets better for you ❤️ xx

Hi Norah- thanks for responding - ye I know it's too early! - il keep u posted!

Katybobbs91 I feel your pain..we were excluded from our GC when he was 3.5 weeks old, haven't been allowed to see him since. Apparently we were no help in paying for the new kitchen. We have been good parents to our daughter and that makes it even harder to understand. My DH has just turned 60 and never received a card. I struggle daily from feeling heartbroken to disgusted with my DD. This has been going on for 14 months and our GC has just had his 1st birthday ( not invited). I really don't think I can forgive her. I hope you can get closer to your daughter and that she realises what she is doing.

My situation is similar to yours NellyBu but Ive chosen the 'persistent' route! DIL's family, immediate and other, are always the ones asked to babysit and who have priority in visiting. Although I find this very hurtful, I will not allow it to stop me having a relationship with my grandson, who is now 8 months old.
Since he was born I made things as easy as I could for them to bring him here. I filled my spare bedroom with baby bits, travel cot, highchair, steriliser, pushchair etc.. and I had to 'nag' at my son for visits.. which were very infrequent .. and unfair on son, who works long hours. Rightly or wrongly I didnt really care as I saw my son in the wrong for not fighting my corner with DIL.
It all came to a massive head over Christmas, when DIL did something I can never forgive her for and I have previously posted about..
But I never gave up. I love this little boy as much as her family do and as much as you have the love for your grandchild.
Then one day quite recently Ive sensed a change.. It came about when I asked my son to meet me so I could buy a car-seat to save him doing all the driving. DIL didnt want me driving the baby, although her mother & grandfather both drive him. My son was the one who had to tell me and I know he felt really bad and didnt agree with her.. And although I agreed to not have a car-seat, I think DIL has finally realised that I am not going to give up on seeing and wanting to spend time alone with my grandson .. Because the following week she texted me and asked me if I would look after him while she had a hairdressers appointment..She dropped him off to me at 10 am and my son collected him early evening.
Then yesterday she wanted an afternoon to herself and asked me again ..
Small steps I know and we are still treading on very delicate ground .. Of course I dont know your full reasons why the situation in your family has come about.. Would it possibly work for you if you pushed for more with your grandson?
I do hope you can find a way

Martydoll I had the same experience, everything was lovely before the birth then afterwards, after D and her Partner had moved into the flat I had purchased for them, they didnt want to know. All I can do now 25 years later is to keep sending cards and presents to GD and GS and GGD. I was a single Mum to my daughter and adored her did everything for her. Apparently, she and GD have "issues" Try and get on with your life, as I will with mine, my D is 44 this year with a NewP and expecting a baby. After 45 years I am now bowing out but wish them the very best, as I do all of them. Ad all the best to you too :-)

Focus on your relationship with ds and gs, Nelly, and never mind dil. I'll bet anything that she has agreed to your seeing gs only if she doesn't have to be there. Hurtful, maybe, but let it go.

Maybe if you let dil know that you own your part in the rift, as you have told us, it will begin to heal. But don't expect to get to babysit just yet, anyhow.

Lorelei, what a wonderful post! You're a gem!

Katybobbs91 "I know it's early days only 3 half weeks in"

Postpone worrying just yet.

I have the opposite experience to some of the posters. Although we all live in close proximity to each other, it is to us my daughter in law turns to for childminding, rather than her own mother, who is not as flexible or reliable as us. Although we try to encourage our daughter in law to ask her own mother to look after our granddaughter, she says she can't really rely on her and prefers her coming to us. It can be very difficult keeping the peace and not making it look as if we have a monopoly. We are actually very happy to share the childminding, but the other gran does not appear to be interested. I often worry that it looks as if we are trying to make other the grandparents look bad, when in fact the opposite is true. They are missing out on so much joy and happiness. I can't understand them at all.

I'm a very New nana- my daughter has just had a boy- I have to work full time as much as I can because of finance- I feel totally excluded already - I now keep my distance- the other ml is babysitting once a week, I'm still reeling and very hurt- what can I do? I know it's early days only 3 half weeks in - I know there are hormones etc. My son- in law I know sees what is going on - I feel I can't do anything - at the beginning- my d asked for help- then it suddenly turned- I have never been controlling- ? ? Help

While I understand that all grandparents would love to be treated equally, sometimes this could be looked at from the daughter-in-law's point of view as well. Perhaps some are not so much in favour because maybe one grandparent smokes and the child comes home reeking of tobacco or their discipline is not very good or their standard of care is not very high or they buy lots of sweets or their choice of language is not very appropriate etc. I'm not suggesting this is the case here but there could be other reasons why mothers prefer their own family to help more. I tried to be fair to my parents-in-law even though they had all those traits I've mentioned above but, luckily, my husband thought the same thing about his parents! I count myself lucky to have had two daughters and am very close to both. I help the daughter who has children a lot even though I live a 30 mile round trip away e.g. picking up from school, running them to after school clubs, babysitting etc. The other granny lives a long way away so only sees her grandchildren monthly at the most and I deliberately stay away then so she can have full access as the grandchildren naturally gravitate towards me if I am there. I'm afraid the old saying,' A daughter's a daughter for life but a son's only a son till he takes a wife' does still seem to apply, sadly, which is why I never understand it when women are so keen to have a boy baby! I desperately wanted two daughters and was overjoyed when told my second was going to be a girl too.

Sounds like she's spoilt for choice so doesn't need you. I had no parents or in-laws to help with child care, just me and their dad. It was extremely hard. Would have given anything to have a ma in law to help out when i was working. We almost never went out either as paying babysitters was too expensive.
Stick with being an option for her when she runs out of other offers.