Am i a bad grandad

A lot of the trouble these days seems to be that young women want it all, a family and a career and they aren't prepared to stay at home and wait until the kids are older. Mum or dad are there to babysit for them so they can continue having their life! If they 'need' to work for financial reasons that's different of course, they do what they need to do and we help as much as we can but more often than not they have this attitude where they are going back to work after baby is born ... because they can.

OMG Surely it is 2017 and not 1917? Of course young women want a career, they have trained and worked hard for it and many of them are essential to our public services. There was a day recently when immigrants could stay at home to show how much they contribute to our society, if young mums did this everything would grind to a halt. I can't believe that anyone could have such a reactionary attitude to them. They work hard and balance all the requirements of their lives with great difficulty, the least we can do as mothers and grandmothers is support them in any way we can. Can you imagine if I had posted something about my DS not being entitled to a career because he was a dad. Such outdated nonsense!

It's hard work & not for everyone being a part of a family is a blessing and anything you do to help is I'm sure appreciated

I look after my grandson 2nights 3 days a week. I am a young grandparent and have taken a huge pay cut and changed my career to do this. My Husband ( both of us been married before and the kids are mine ) never had kids , didn't want any so it's been a learning curve for him. He has a lovely relationship with our GS but makes it very clear that we need our time. And even at the age of 40 something I really appreciate my quite down time with just the two of us. It's not about how different things were 20 years ago more that I want to give them the help support love and have that incredible bond with my GS. If you don't want to do it then don't.

It's pushed in our faces all the time about 'other GP's who love having the kids'. I'm so glad to see on here that we are not alone in wanting our own time. We lived five minutes away from our D, and were just a little too handy. We've moved now, two hrs away, and while I feel a little guilty, it's lovely to get our lives back, rather than spend my days doing the school run, taking the kids to after school stuff, and just being available for that last minute problem all the time. They're coping without us, by cooperating with other parents. Believe me, they'll find a way of they have to!

I look after my grand children aged 10 and 5 - 2 days a week. My daughter works full time. I have done it since they were babies. We have had some great times and we are very close. But as I get older, I find I get more and more tired. At times I think about giving up, but then I think I would miss them. They are both now in school, so it is after school until about 6.0 p.m. and school holidays.
I think the decision should be personal. I have some wonderful memories.

Not a bad GD at all. I look after my GC a couple of days a week and find it quite a challenge. I realised the youngest starts school next September and cheered with joy. I do love them dearly but prefer time with them and their parents together, the responsibility of them on their own I find quite hard. Both parents are aware of this but work and money are restrictive which is why I help out. If that sounds bad then so be it, we do chat about this to each other and and because of our honesty we work together to make things easier..... just so long as they don't have anymore!

Definitely not selfish. I have done my share and am still doing it and often feel like you do, although I love them to bits.

Think I must be lucky that 1) I'm still working FT - and will probably do so until at least 67 or 68 and 2) both my DD and DDiL were full time Mums - and no they're not wealthy. Camping is the nearest thing to a holiday unless we treat them and both families have cars with lots of miles on them and they both do most of their shopping in charity shops or on ebay.
As DD now lives 'off grid' in rural Spain I don't have much chance to babysit the 2 older boys, the other 2 are just round the corner so come and stay now and again and I love the rare treat of having all 4 of them - but it is a treat as it's rare. I'd be worn out doing it regularly Gd5766, and somewhat resentful too I think!

GD5766 - I think you're and excellent Grandad.
Our first grandson, living in Kuwait, was 15 yesterday . A few weeks after he was born their live-in help had to go back to India for a family emergency, and they asked me to come and take over, until she returned. They both work.
I'm really pleased I was able to spend all that time with the little fellow, but my main memory is feeling terrified about the responsibility. On my own all day with this little mite, in a strange country.
I was younger then, I don't think I could do it now.

Not at all. Just say you are finding it harder to cope with now, as you are not as young as you used to be. Good luck!

You sound like a lovely grandad.

From our 50s to our 60s, our bodies change and the demand and responsibility worries me. At 67 for me and 74 for DS's dad, we do one day a week as a team with 20 mos DGD. I could not do it alone except on the odd occasion. I also have had back surgery in the past and cannot pick her up as easily now as she is getting heavier!

Everyone's stamina is different... and you must look after your health. AND you have something to compare to with per your past single-parent child-care duties. They cannot say you will 'get the hang of it' etc, as you have been there, done that and have the tee-shirts!

As someone who lived three hundred miles from one set of grandparents and the other side of the world from the others, I think your family is very lucky to have had your help at all - let alone unpaid. i don't think people should ever take the value of someone else's time and work for granted, however close the relationship.

It is not unreasonable in later life to say - this is now too much for me. I agree with Jaycee5 though that if money for childcare is a genuine problem you could perhaps offer to help out a bit - but only what you consider reasonable, for a limited time, and only an amount you are happy with.Do not feel guilty!

I can identify with everyone's comments but I did and do feel differently.
My own mother never wanted to help with childcare.
My youngest daughter was born with long term health problems and my own mother resented looking after my middle son whilst my youngest daughter was having life saving surgery.
She was never interested in looking after them and the few times she did she didn't watch them properly and so I rarely asked her.

I am in a fairly unusual situation because of this and the fact my eldest daughter was from my first marriage, so she is nearly 30 and has two young children.My children from my second marriage are 17 and 15 years old now.

My own mother now, would dearly like to be closer with my children but they have not bonded really and they are polite and distant with her.

I have my grandchildren all the time and yes it is exhausting and I have to juggle my own plans to accommodate this at times but they are a joy and are comfortable being with me even if they are poorly and this I feel is better.

It has clearly shaped me because my own mother was not a great mother never mind a good grandmother and I will not make the same mistakes.

I have to add my Dad did not like his own children and disliked his grandchildren even more-that is a bad grandad!

Leesa it sounds like your parents were very cold people. My mother was like that, and did not want to look after my brother's children when little. I had no children of my own and loved being with them which luckily gave me experience for being a step-grandparent.

You have obviously injected real love into your family and are reaping the rewards.

I think the OP is now just over-whelmed. He did give it a go, it's not like he said no.

Maybe men have a harder time being a grandparent to young children than women? Maybe he was over-whelmed back in the day of having to raise his children on his own for 5 years. And things have changed... what were accepted ways of doing things 20 years ago have changed and some parents are very finicky about sticking to those.

My husband is in his early 70s and having had two boys, is not very comfortable with nappy changing and intensive poo cleaning on our DGD now that she's 20mos. He didn't mind so much when an infant, less poo! I think he actually gets embarrassed. DGD's dad and I have a right chuckle over this as DGD can eat for England if she was allowed to.

You are definitely not a bad GP. My DIL mother looks after our two year old GS and now a baby GD to be cared for when DIL goes back to work in a few weeks. We are not invited to babysit at all but I think I would not be able to cope. Find a nursery and tell parents you cannot cope but have found alternative for them. My parents and in laws never looked after my children. We coped and they should be able to.

No definitely not a bad grandad, especially when it means looking after a baby. You need to sit down with the parents and tell them as it is!

I have just had a long discussion with my resident DD as DGS is coming up to the age where she has to make the big choice between the school nursery class (a half day 5 days a week) or staying at his beloved childminder with me as early morning and late afternoon carer.

However much he loves the childminder's it isn't a preparation for school as it's very small, very cosy, very loving. Having him at school nursery though would involve much more of my help allowing me barely 2 free hours a day and though the heart is willing the old legs are weak and there are hospital appointments and bad days.

It is hard for single mothers whose jobs are so important if they are to provide for their child. My heart says I will cope but DD's sensible head says it wouldn't be fair. Seven years ago I looked after my first grandson for 30 hours a week but I was a whole lot fitter then.

I am lucky as both my DS and my DD have approached the question of childcare with my welfare in mind and that is the way it should be.

I think sometimes when our children have their own little ones they seem to think that just because we are retired we have nothing better to do than look after them.I love to go bird watching and I can't imagine how it would go down in a hide if I turn up with my grandson, who doesn't cry, he screams. My husband and I looked after my son's first child, which we quite enjoyed but when number 2 came along it was a foregone conclusion that we would look after him also. This time they didn't even ask us. Are you a bad Grandad? No, definitely not. If people can't afford child care and have to work, they should not have babies.

Who knows if you're a bad grandad. You make no reference to how you are as a grandad.

As a parent though, not great. That a few hours childcare a week, and you want to stop. Even if I didn't enjoy, for such a short amount of time, I'd suck it up for my child

Sadly, childcare with Grandparents is equated with how much you love your DGC. Of course it isn't but one's offspring tend to be a little sensitive about it. I'd approach the subject along the lines of "feeling overwhelmed", getting older, etc. Stress how much you love them but you just can't manage a regular commitment.

I love watching my gc but not everybody feels the same way! You're not a "bad granddad," just not into babysitting. Not fair for you to have to spend hours of your time doing something you don't enjoy, and not fair to the kids to have to spend time with someone who doesn't like taking care of them.

So I'm with those who say let the parents know how you feel and ask them to make other arrangements. Give them time to find someone reliable, etc. Hopefully, they will realize this is best for all.

But wait... do you get to see your gc any other times if you're not babysitting? Would it matter to you if you saw them less often, maybe just on holidays? Something to think about before you speak up. If you're ok with that, then, by all means, let the parents know you're done.

I am quite glad I love a distance from both DDs
We have made it clear that if GC arrive we will be available for emergencies
If it meant my daughters could go back to a hard won career and keep a toe on the ladder (as no doubt everyone one would expect the putative fathers to)I would willingly contribute to childcare costs

You must stick to your guns! My mother made it crystal clear that baby sitting etc was a no go area. It didn't offend me .... Honesty is the best policy. But she was a fabulous grandma who enjoyed her time with my offspring when we were around. It made perfect sense to me and still does.

Yet we have our DGS 3 afternoon sessions each week. 4+ years now .... The house is wrecked! Hurry up September when full time school starts. Ah bless the little ones ?????????