Am i a bad grandad

Elainel we have to stop saying its more difficult for young families nowadays ,its not.Its different but when we got married we struggled to the extent we lived on toasted cheese for nearly three years with sunday lunch at MIL 's house ,a very old car that was a necessity because of the job and a house with no carpets on the floor ..we didn't have asingle holiday for the first 8 years of our married life and I was back at my desk when my daughter was 8 thats EIGHT days old ..no meals out or takeaways for us either...BUT we survived.We need to stop this nonsense that the young people today are so much worse off.IF they changed their lifestyles they'd be just fine...but they want it all and they want it all NOW.

The relationship between GPs and GC should be that of fun and enjoyment, not a chore. Once it becomes so, the magic goes on both sides. Isn't it better that your DGC remember special happy days with a happy relaxed GP rather than a slightly jaded one?

I don't think you are bad if you do not enjoy it. I love looking after my grandson and will feel the same when his sister is old enough. But I think some people perhaps prefer interacting with children when they are older. It is hard work and full on when they are little. It is more difficult for our children financially now as prices are higher for housing etc and many mothers are expected to go back to work. I was able to stay at home when my children were small and when I did go back to bank nursing my DH looked after them. Their grandparents took them for fun trips etc but without the responsibility.

I don't think you are a bad grandad I do think you are missing out on so much. Looking after a GC is not the same as caring for your own children. Of course it is hard work and I can understand anyone wanting to limit the time they are involved, but the pleasure of playing a silly game, singing the rhymes you know, tickling a small person or cuddling, or reading a favourite book can be so wonderful. I always say I have all of the fun and none of the responsibility. I am sure it's very good for me as well, all that chasing around and getting up and down from the floor! That said if you really don't enjoy it don't do it. Looking after a child because you feel you have to isn't good for either of you.

You are doing far more than my DH ever would. He doesn't mind children once they get to about 21 but he can only take little ones in VERY small doses. I think NfkDumpling has got it spot on.

Of course you're not being selfish. You've done your bit. Our DC decided to have families, we weren't consulted so it's their responsibility. We've made it clear to our lot that we're more than happy to take a turn for a few days in the holidays as business holidays and school holidays don't equate, or provide emergency cover for sickness - provided we're free. - and they've never asked for anything else.

I would take the angle that as you are reclusive by nature you're obviously holding back the older child especially as these days they need the socialisation of going to nursery or they will be seriously disadvantaged when they do start preschool or school. You can't cope / keep up with DGC1 and properly care for DGC2 and they're suffering for it. Stress that you love them dearly but they're so active you fear your health is suffering. Remember, when filling in health forms you should always think how you are on a really bad day. Think that way when you talk to your DC.

Good luck.

Strewth GD.....you sound a perfectly decent Grandad. Not everyone is cut out for one to one childcare. There have been many discussions on here about how challenging it is for Grandparents - it somehow seems even more worrying and challenging to be looking after the GC even if one was a fulltime MUm or Dad to ones own children. Its the double responsibility of caring for our children's children that turns it into a minefield.
You do need to start a conversation along the lines of your doubting your abilities and just how worrying it is for you to be solely responsible for the little ones. Its not that you do not love them - its much more that you do not feel up to the task.....and that's perfectly normal and acceptable. When mine stay over night once in a blue moon I loose sleep about how to cope and I'm fit and have a perfectly capable DH to share the care - we all worry!

There are plenty of ways to show your love and care for your GC and many different ways you can be part of their lives so get the conversation started and have a bit more say in how they are cared for.

Hells teeth my children had a so called Grandfather who was deeply unpleasant and distant to the point of totally ignoring them for the last 10 years of his life.....now that's a bad Granddad!!

Many thanks for the positive replies. I do feel like this has become an expectation of grandparents and other than helping out now and then I dont think childcare is my responsibility. Of course that position brings with it guilty feelings and I know at least one of children thinks i should do more and be happy about it (even though it hasnt been said as such).

Things have been further complicated recently but I will have to stick to my guns as selfish as it sounds I have my own life.

No you are not a bad grandparent but you do need to talk to your family.
It's always best to be honest about what we feel we can manage in the way of child care otherwise there is resentment all round. It's better to do a small amount of care to begin with and increase it if you are comfortable with the situation. Often families are thoughtless in their expectations of grandparents, we have our own lives as well.

Of course you are not a bad grandparent, the days are gone when our adult children would bring the grandchildren on a little visit and go home again, nowadays the Grandparents are doing a lot of helping out.IMHO if you are not really happy with it, only accept a limited amount of childcare, or none at all.

I am a bit like MisAdventure but fortunately my daughter had made her own arrangements about her children before they were born, and although I was heartbroken to think of a 6 month old baby going to nursery every day, it does not appear to have harmed either of them in any way. When they were school age, we came in handy for the odd day, and were happy with that.

Looking after GC can be a joy - but it should not be an expectation.

Get your life back nurseries are so good for children, they need to socialise.

Definitely not selfish. I looked after my first GD 8 hours a day, 5 days a week as her mother insisted she couldn't do her job part time (she's a research scientist) and I couldn't bear the thought of her going to a nursery. When she was 2 and a half I had to admit it was getting a bit much for me so she went to nursery for 3 days and I had her for 2. She's 5 now and started school in September which coincided with her mum starting maternity leave with their second daughter and also was natural break with my childcare. I have told my DiL that I can't do any childcare this time and have had to harden my heart at the thought of full time nursery.

Will still help in the school holidays though as I still want to see them sometimes!

I have always made it quite clear that I am not particularly child friendly, and everyone said I would change my mind when my first grandchild was born. I haven't changed my mind yet! Of course I love them, and will look after them as and when needed, but it's accepted that I'm quite selfish about needing my own time.

No your not a bad GF.
D is on a second relationship and when I accompanied her to a docs appointment recently my heart sank when she told him "Yes, we have thought about children" (5 and 7 yr old from her marrage) It was purely selfish in that the thought of child care all over again filled me with horror.
As you say we've done our share with our own DC, and should be able to enjoy our retirement as we choose.
I know if she was still with the ar*e she married there would be no more chldren as both of DGC have issues.

I think a lot of grannies feel like this too ,but its EXPECTED that we look after the Grandkids so we do it.My mothers generation ,or my mother in particular wouldn't babysit except very ocassionaly for a few hours and if I was half an hour late she was very unhappy about it.Now I have kids 24 hours a day for days on end sometimes all 4 at once and yes sometimes I feel like you do .Its not what I thought I'd be doing in my 60's .Maybe you should look at nursery care for your daughter and give her the information and get your own life back .Mu OH is still working we're aiming to be child free when he retires

I'm not a grandparent, but I know I wouldn't do childcare again. Couldn't take the responsibilty! Better to just have fun times and maybe emergencies if you can change to that without causing a family rift.

No, you are not a bad grandparent. Tell the children's parents that you are finding it too much, that you do not like doing it, and you'd like them to sort out other arrangements.