Practical advice

14 is such a difficult age and things do get better for most young people in time as they adjust to the changes we all have to go through. My own mother encouraged me at the same age to join a local drama group which helped a lot - I even ended up studying it as one of my main subjects at university - and it helped in the workplace, too, when I had to present information to people in groups. Ballet or other forms of dance sounds like a good idea to me - it gives you confidence in your body which helps self-image (often so low at this age).

But if these sorts of things don't help, I wouldn't write off counselling.
A G.P.does not need to get involved herself/himself, but can provide a referral to someone who is B.A.C. qualified and who has training in psychology rather than medicine.A referral means you don't have to pay through the nose for the sessions as you would if you were going direct. We all need help at difficult times of our lives. I have had good reason to be eternally grateful to one counsellor, who helped my then 16 year old son to see the world differently. He is now a happy, outgoing and independent adult.

I found N.L.P.really helpful. And it is something that u can use for the rest of your life.

Exactly, Rizlett.

how about we all just allow her to be shy and anxious in some situations - because thats a perfectly normal response - instead of continually saying its 'wrong to be/feel like that' or not to be like that.

only then when we have accepted what is - may we be able to change it - if we actually want to - and when we are ready.

in the meantime lets do all we can to build up confidence in grandchildren by offering them acceptance and understanding.

Definitely not OTT to talk to the doctor about this, they are able to refer you on to therapists. If they can't help the school should have access to educational psychologists

BlueBelle - My youngest grand daughter is also 14. You could be writing about her.

My daughter was exactly the same at that age. She is now nearly 40 and has overcome some of her shyness but not all and is still not very confident. I am afraid it is a personality trait which she has got from her father. I used to suffer for her and her teachers could not understand her and couldn't really help. She didn't go out when all her friends went as they didn't ask her to go! I just found I had to be there for her and try to boost her confidence as well as I could. She has now found herself a lovely man and is starting to gain a little more confidence but has still to find her niche where her career is concerned although she is extremely intelligent and has a good law degree. She is making up for lost time now though by travelling and spending quality time with her partner. I am sorry that this isn't more help but just to let you know there are other people out there with the same problems.

Try taking out shopping where you 'bump into' one of your friends who had been primed to make eye contact, shake her hand and ask her open questions 'Where are you off to today? ' 'What's do you like best about school?
Secondly you or mum must be able to find someone who desperately needs a short-term helping hand (local pre-school short handed one day, OAP needs shopping done etc)

Please don't start making more of an issue than it is because it only seems to be the one area (paid employment) that she isn't confident in getting started on.

Is there someone who could offer her some work, just temporary,( feeding cats or watering plants while they are away) or could she have post card in shop window offering to do errands, I think once she has had a go at something, she will like the independence of earning money so much that she may overcome shyness.

I have been listening to a series on radio 4 extra about people who had paper rounds and how much that little earning experience did for them. She is still quite young, keep an eye op en for something her mum could do with her to get her started, leaflet distributing or a bit of grass cutting........wish she lived near me I often need just the occasiona errand sorting and a sensible girl woud be a great help.

I was a very shy child too, so I understand your granddaughter's situation. One thing which helped me immensely was volunteering at a local hospital for long-term geriatric patients. I did it via my school, and it brought me out of my shell so much that I ended up organising a whole team of students who went by coach every Wednesday afternoon. I used to help with whatever was needed...folding laundry, serving tea, helping to feed patients who could not help themselves. This was back in the early 1970s, so legislation about what is allowed may well have changed, but worth enquiring? Local rest homes might have people who would love a visit from a younger person, too. A few months of doing something like that might give your granddaughter the confidence to seek paid work. I hope she finds a way through her shyness.

Oh sorry ..... Didn't read the above thoroughly - I see she's afraid of dogs. A good idea in other circumstances though Pheonix! Sorry again for being a dingbat!

Great idea Pheonix! ?

out

Teachers and others used to say this about one of my DDs - she doesn't speak up inj class. And I used to ask whether she behaved, did her work, was good mannered and kind - they would say yes to all that; so I used to tell them that I was entirely happy with that.

It is not uncommon at this age for children to be shy and I think the least said, soonest mended. Drawing attention to it will make her feel worse. Do not try to cajole her into things - she will get there when she is ready. Go our with her and have some fun together and she will gradually come out of her shell.

Taking a CV in to someone and blagging your way into a job is a HUGE ask!

GD1 has become much more confident after joining a drama class and taking up ballet again.
I used to be very shy at school but one of my form teachers made me read in assembly regularly, got me used to the idea of speaking in public.

Thanks Leticia I was very shy too but although I couldn't stand up and talk or draw any attention to myself I had started flirting with the boys and going to a youth club when I was 14 I just want her to have fun, she's had a bit of a tough life so far with lots of disappointments and knocks and has done really well I hate seeing her beating herself up all the time But like you say hopefully time will help
Thanks to everyone for your interest it helps just talking about things even if there is no answer

I was the shy child- do not go down the route of doctors and counsellors it would be unbearable!
Don't draw attention to it. She is a bit young for employment - I would go for volunteering, something where she is busy in the background.
There are no quick fixes. I can stand up and talk in front of a room full of people now - it just comes with time and experience.

Margaret as I said before doctors don't come into it she has a very sensible mum it's just hard to see isn't it ?
Elaine companies don't take young people under 16 but lots of small family businesses do and she has friends working in little bakeries or chip / coffee shops etc on Saturdays
Babysitting might well work unfortunately we don't know anyone with babies / young children and I m not sure her mum would want her to go to strangers alone at night she's young for that
I was just wondering if anyone else had a grandkid like her and would give me a boost

From what I have heard about shyness it seems it will not go away so soon but it has to be lived with. Shy people remain basically shy. She sounds similar to my GD who is also pretty and slim but notices that boys like to talk to to other girls with more personality.
It makes me so sad to hear it but surely it will get better. she must learn to cope with it.
Can she do any babysitting? Or dog walking? Better than a shop where she has to hand in a CV. and is faced with strangers everyday. This sounds to me like diving in at the deep end for a shy teenage girl
Do not go to the GP. She is not ill and he has limited time these days. Don't make her into a 'case' but treat her shy ness as something normal that she will get over in time and she will, I'm sure.

I'm not sure that many companies employ under 15s if any because of the legal implications. Would she be confident to volunteer - working with children or animals or similar as a stepping stone. She sounds like a very caring young lady x

Grannypiper all those things she is very good at and she will ask shop assistants for what she wants quite confidently She has being going to another town to school since she was 11 and has no problems travelling in fact she is so organised she can sort us all out Recently when her bus had a crash she was the one that opened the emergency door and helped her friends out
It's just that she's desperate for a Saturday job but won't ring or hand a cv in (her and her mum have compiled one)neither will she let anyone else do it I m sure it's just that first step She was in real melt down today as she wanted to ring to ask a restaurant about vacancies. but was just frozen She avoids telephones if she doesn't know the person well She won't join any groups although I know she would jump at it if a friend suggested it she would also be mortified if anything was done by her mum behind her back She's very loyal and caring of her friends but doesn't seem to have any boys interested in her probably not being flirtatious like most 14 year olds

Her Dad died when she was 4 so she only has her Mum and me and a very extrovert older brother I hope it is just a normal teenage thing she spends a lot of time in her room and I just feel sad she is missing out on the fun years

bluebelle Can you DGD do the basics like paying for shopping, asking a shop assitant where something is stocked in the store call and make a dental appointment or ask the bus driver for a ticket to her destination ? i ask because my Stepson couldn't at 14 and i had to help him do these small(to us) tasks it really was a case of standing with him and gently coaxing him. I then had him go to the shop with a short list of unusual things on it such as string, rye bread crackers and others we dont usually buy so he couldnt just pick up what was known to him. When he had mastered that he was sent to ask a neighbour if they needed any jobs doing. It Was all small steps but he is getting there. Last summer he managed to buy a train ticket and travel 2 stops on the train to meet his Dad, i cried with pride.It is heartbreaking but i am sure you will find a way to help her.

There was an episode of the secret lives of 4/5 year olds and there was a little girl wringing her hands because she was so nervous. Most of us learn to cover up but your DGD hasn't.
There are many therapists that may help her, the difficulty is finding the right one. Her surgery could be helpful at pointing her parents in the right direction.
I will just say that having a beauty salon I was asked many times by mums and grannies about Saturday jobs for their DD/DGD. If the young lady wasn't prepared to approach me herself then I wasn't interested. So your DGD is absolutely right that this is not the right approach.

What do her parents think? Her mum could see to this if mum's concerned.

BlueBell she sounds pretty typical of a teenage girl to me. Sometimes confident, sometimes completely insecure, sometimes sociable, sometimes aloof. She is just working out who she is and where she can fit in. If she wants a job has she considered doing some voluntary work in order to build a CV? I know my local Oxfam shop has a group of teenagers who seem to enjoy working there and get along with each other.If she didn't want to do something so regularly perhaps she could organise a fundraising event, lots of suggestions on charity websites. As a dyslexic she is achieving a great deal already. Good luck