Practical advice

I haven't read all the comments here but I did just want to agree with you Bluebelle that it would be a shame to medicalise her shyness. I do worry that there is a move towards this in so many cases. It is very normal to be shy at that age. I was, and in fact I'm still shy now. It's painful at the time, because we tend to think that everyone else is more confident than we are ourselves. Actually, in reminiscing with old friends, they have said that they weren't nearly as confident as I had thought they were at the time!

She is lucky to have you caring for her, and looking for ideas to help her.

For what it's worth, although I just said I'm shy, I think really I just don't need a lot of company. Therefore I've never felt that building a social network was that important. I'm quite capable of being friendly and warm with people. I just choose to do it on a very limited basis!


I chose to do a paper round when I was a teen, because I loved the empty streets and peace and quiet in the mornings. My best friend at the time chose to be a Saturday girl (as they were known at the time) in a hairdresser's because of all the bustle and chat. Neither of us could have stood the other job.

In our local museum they are looking for volunteers to catalogue old newspapers, so that the public can search them online. It doesn't involve much face to face contact with people. I appreciate it's an unpaid job, whereas she wants a paid one, but perhaps she could start with something like that and it would build her confidence and her CV to a point where she could move on to something else. Also, lots of museum staff are friendly but quiet people. I speak from years of experience! I'd recommend it as a good place to work for the quiet types.

I love the poster!

Lots of good advice on here.

here is the link It is American but worth watching.

I see that she is 'strong-minded' - good for her, it is a very useful attribute.
I can identify quite strongly with her - take the lead from her- foster her interests and give her useful tips, if she wants them- other than that just keep communicating and being a loving support.
I think that a lot of the mental problems suffered by the young are to do with social media and being on display- having to be successful in all things and being popular- it causes huge angst even among those who can put on a good front.
If it crops up naturally you could point out the very successful people in the media etc who are naturally quite shy and private people.
We live in a world where the extrovert is seen as being superior to the introvert. I will try and find a link to a very good talk on it.

Well said Madmeg. There is nothing wrong with being shy! She is mature, sensible and reliable, she has friends and her school work is above average. She has a problem that will solve itself with time.
Doctors, therapists are unnecessary and like Madmeg I think that would have blown it up out of all proportion and would have ruined my life - although that might sound a bit dramatic I would have found it difficult to forgive my parents in later life. I didn't volunteer anything in class and teachers drawing attention to it just made me far worse!
Just support her, tell her it is quite normal, lots of people feel the same. There is no need to push her into things or let her hide away- just treat it as perfectly normal and make small steps - giving help if she wants some.
I had this trouble with my son at school and some teachers not understanding the shy child - I kept pointing out that it can't be forced- it just comes with time. I remember his 6 th form tutor wondering how he would cope at university and me saying he would be absolutely fine- which he was. He now travels the world with his job, speaks to all sorts of people, gives presentations etc.
I hated being a teenager-it is a difficult age and I was much happier in my 20s but I was probably about 28yrs before I felt fully confident.
If she had no friends, no desire to get a part time job and was completely isolated then a therapist might be a good suggestion but she is merely a lovely girl who isn't confident at the moment. Telling her that she has a problem, forcing her into interests that she doesn't have and making her feel abnormal is hardly going to help build confidence!!

No one is saying gd should turn into a social butterfly or the most outspoken kid in class. But "crippled by shyness?" "crippled by embarrasment?" That shouts, "Needs counseling!" to me. The fact that she can speak up for her brother but not herself just highlights the fact that she has some serious self esteem issues.

Counseling won't change her basic personality and again, no one here is suggesting that. A good counselor might very well tell her that she doesn't have to be "bold and brave." But they could help her sort out her feelings and become a little more confident, just enough to deal with common things like asking about a job or inviting a friend out. What's wrong with that? How could that "ruin" her life?

But it's up to her mum and dad, of course. Meanwhile, Madmeg's suggestions do sound helpful.

Hooray thanks for that madmeg Just what I wanted to hear there is no intention to take to doctors or counsellors or anything medical ( and we can't 'make' her join anything she's very strong minded in her own quiet way) I just thought a few practical tips from anyone who had similar would be nice to hear she is a beautiful and very clever kid who has been through a lot but your post has given me hope that she will find her own way out of it and even if she's a late starter she ll get there

She has never had any pressure put on her at home she is very supported with her leading the way it was her own frustration at not being 'able' to do what she wanted that led me to write but your post is very helpful thank you

This is me 50 years ago, and still today. Don't push her. Get her to rehearse what she will say when she goes to the corner shop to ask for a Saturday job. Get her to sit in front of a mirror and practice it. Then go with her to the end of the road, and let her do it herself, if she can.

I would resist all suggestions on here that she seek help for anxiety. That makes it into something it is not. She is a young girl who isn't yet terribly confident, surrounded, no doubt, by lots of friends who are bold and brave. She doesn't have to be like them to be a good and useful person.

Why does everyone want to change her into something she is not? Doctors, choirs, and the rest are unnecessary. A bit of family confidence-building for this one task is all that is needed, otherwise it gets blown into a real crisis, that is best avoided.

I never spoke out in class, was terrified. I left with excellent O-levels, and became a qualified accountant. I ended up giving talks to hundreds of people at conferences, and am now afraid of nothing. I'm on several committees and have no problem contributing well. If anyone had suggested I needed some sort of therapy at age 14, they could well have ruined my life. The only sad thing is that she is upset about it. The solution to me is to maker her realise that it's OKAY to not be bold and brave at her age. Not everyone is. Let her be as she is, offer a little help, and see how it goes. Do not try to change her personality, and do not try to get her interested in things that she isn't.

suzied A choir sounds good! I used to belong to my school choir and we sang in York Minster in a Festival of Carols. You are not the one in the spotlight so you do not feel embarrassed. They usually have tea and biscuits so a tiny little bit of socialising might be involved which would be just the thing that could bring her out of her shell.

grannypiper You must be very proud of your GS. He sounds like a real nice boy. Great tactics you employed there.

Blue Bell, try not to worry about your GS because she will make her own way. I must say she sounds confident to me if she can go in a shop and ask for a refund. If she can find something she can do with her friends she will gradually come out of her shell.

There is so much emphasis on tv and in magazines for girls to look like stick insects/models, does she realise that the photos are sometimes photo-shopped to make them look better? All warts, fat legs and bums can be covered up. If you saw a model in the street you probably would not recognise them.

NOT a good idea to put a label round her neck I don't think. No point going to the doctor's surgery unless the shyness takes over her life. She sounds to me like any other teenager of that age, and also she sounds quite capable of making her own way in life without too much help from anyone else. One thing she must NOT do is sit in her room, on her own, fretting about how she cannot face this, or that, or how she looks 'hideous' (hate that word, but some youngsters don't like the way they look even if they are the prettiest thing you could ever wish to see). Magazines have a lot to answer for. Small steps to begin with, then bigger ones, then strides! :-)

Maybe one of her friends is in the school choir and could persuade her to go along. Singing in a group builds confidence and the spotlight isn't on the individual. If she's unwilling to give anything a go , then you just have to tell her she'll have to shelve any idea of a job for a while ( she's still very young) until she's confident enough to apply for one. Don't make a big deal of it and continue to encourage her.

Another option is Adventure Scouts, yes, girls go too. Or the ATC. My GS started going to CCF and he loves it! They have girls too. They sometimes go on trips away such as canoeing and sailing, she would be with youngsters like herself. Doesn't cost much at all and he changed from a very self-conscious boy in to someone who has now taken on the role of Sgt Instructor! He had to pass tests of course. They also do the Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Drama sounds like a good idea on the surface, but don't forget she may have to say her lines in front of people. If you are shy to begin with I would think that was impossible. There are plenty of jobs in the background, such as painting scenery for example.

One thing that would give her enormous confidence is to go on a Leadership course. She would learn to do all sorts of things, with other people and on her own, that she thought she would never, ever do. Maybe she could go with a friend or relative? Does she like animals? If so she could volunteer to look after them. Does she like children and did she enjoy junior school? If so why not volunteer to help the teacher out giving out the books and getting the things ready for the class. Does she enjoy Guides? They do some excellent courses to help children gain confidence. Or she could join the Red Cross/St Johns perhaps. That would give her confidence and she would meet new people.

I hope she finds something that suits her. I know how she feels, I used to be just the same at her age, and I hated having to give talks or presentations. I used to shake in my shoes and sweat for England with fright. Encouragement is the way to go. The more she sees she can do things she thought impossible, the more she will gain confidence.

It is difficult for young people under 16 to get even voluntary work.
My DGD is doing the DOE and to volunteer is part of what she needs to do, but so far as mentioned by others, she has no chance of finding anything. She is almost 15

BlueBelle, I do hope your DGD conquers her fears. ???

If your GD is so confident in the next town, perhaps she could try to find a job there? No-one knows her nor prejudges her - so that might help...

No they don't do it at her school Quizqueen that would have been marvellous for her such a shame
We ve tried all the voluntary/ group/ helping stuff ..... and no ....perhaps another year on Can but hope

Isn't it funny how times change Trisher

Has your granddaughter done her school initiated work experience yet? 14 is about the age they do it. If she chooses something she is really interested in and shows she has an aptitude then she may get offered some work by them. For instance my younger daughter likes animals and she went to a cattery/rescue centre and was offered a weekend job with them following her school work placement week. Other places to try are hairdressers, nurseries, charity shops etc. The more she has contact with the general public the more confidence she will gain especially if she has some successes. Also, if she could be persuaded to join another club or help with a club (Rainbows/Brownies/Church Sunday School maybe as she was a scout herself). Any charity group would usually be glad of extra voluntary help.

About the "Not speaking up in class" I'm old enough to remember when the best children were the ones who kept quiet and only spoke when they were spoken to or asked a question directly, anything else was considered 'pushy'.

Yes, BlueBelle, I do have experience of a young person like your GD. You could be describing me at her age. I can identify with the utter panic that grips your brain and your tongue in social situations. For me, this had its roots in a terrible lack of self esteem.
I think there is great hope for her dealing with this herself, because of her drive in getting the better of her dyslexia and her frustration with herself which indicates a recognition that she needs to deal with this. From between the lines I get a sense of an independent spirit who wants to help herself. In your further post you recount how she helped her brother by asking for a refund in a shop. This is a good sign too, and maybe her route out of this seemingly crippling shyness is to help others in some way, particularly if she feels their lot is worse than her own. Tap into her compassion.
I wish now - looking back - that I could have had advice from a counsellor who wasn't known to me or my family. Someone who could have given me strategies for coping with the panic. The trick is in finding such a person and a way for her to access them. I don't think - looking back - that I would have wanted anyone to make a production number out of it.
I did get past it in time when I learned to think outside my self, to focus on the needs of others. Drama sounds a possible and hopeful way forward if one or two of her friends would ask her to go with them.
Meanwhile - lots of praise to boost her self esteem and to help her know that others think well of her too, and - I can tell she's getting this from you - loving support from all the family. She will pass on that understanding and be kind when she meets this extreme shyness in others.
I so wish her, and you, success in dealing with this. It can be done.

Teachers talk about children not speaking up in class - but then only choose the children who put their hands up or who they know are confident and likely to know the answer. I had one teacher who literally taught to one student.
Telling me that I should speak up more only made me more conscience of it (and I also didn't like doing what I was told to).
I don't really know how I got over it so can't give any advice, but I did after I started work at 17. I know it is a cliché but 14 is a difficult age. It is the age that my parents decided that we were going to emigrate to Canada which did not make life easy.
Can she not post her CV in or send it in by email?

I'm with rizlett on this one. The pressure of not succeeding in applying won't improve anything. Let her be shy for a while longer. She doesn't need to get a job at 14 and there seems to be lots of "she won't" in response to all the help that is offered in the post. My DGD was shy and reluctant to do anything that involved putting a focus on her, but then, since there was no 6th form at her school she HAD to apply to college and go for an interview. I've no idea how she plucked up courage but when it really mattered, she did it independently. Hope the OP's poster gets a break both from pressure and in finding something she'd like to do.

Thanks for the posts and ideas I think drama group would be great but as well as shy she is very strong minded and dare I say somewhat stubborn
I was certainly not thinking of any interventions at this stage when I wrote the original post mainly just a few yes my daughter son grand daughter etc went through that and came out the other side
I am in no way trying to 'change' her Rizlet I never bring the subject up that's her mums business I was just trying to think of anything helpful to encourage her and I ve certainly never told her it's wrong so you re rather jumping to conclusions there and I think by being aware that she isn't yet comfortable in her own skin I am being understanding
Anyway thanks everyone maybe she ll surprise us and drama will happen at some point

BlueBelle
You're describing me at the same age, very bright, lots of friends, but absolutely no self confidence at all.
Please, please don't even consider a Dr, Psychologist, or Therapist, she doesn't have any mental health issues, she's just a shy kid!
The thing that cured me was when my mum took me to see an old lady who she'd worked with many years before. Miss Lewis was a very small, frail, quietly spoken woman, and she didn't try to force me into joining in conversation, but told me that I could wander off and have a look around her house if I wanted.
I loved it, she was very old fashioned, her house was 'trapped in time' and being allowed to look around by myself was great!
Then, slowly but surely, mum started asking me to "pop around to Miss Lewis, she needs a bit of shopping done". Gradually, I started helping her out more and more, not realising at all that my confidence was growing all the time.
It took a few years, but now I'm a very confident person (have occasional shy moments, but hide them really well) and am nothing at all like that shy teenager,
She just needs to find the one thing which she enjoys so much she'll fight her shyness to enable her to do it.
A frind of mine was worried sick about her daughter's shyness, but encouraged her to volunteer at her local hospital, on the children's ward, she loved it, and never looked back. She's a well known paediatrician now, and absolutely loves her work, so it's just a case of 'finding the one thing'!
I wish her loads of luck for the future, she's young, gorgeous, no aches and pains, lots of energy, she needs to realise how lucky she is and enjoy her youth!

Drama groups are amazing at giving children confidence. She may not want to go at first - my GS cried buckets before his first trip & then couldn't wait to get to the next session Make sure the teachers understand the situation.
She will blossom before your eyes.