Getting to see a grandson in hospital

So sorry Marylane So wrong of your D! One day your GS will question his mum as to why! He must know himself that this is not right, as young as he is.

? Maryland1996

No yogagirl didnt get to see my gs as i was told there would be no visitors, found out later that my granddaughters boyfriend had been.Spent easter crying as i cant believe she wouldnt let my grandson on the phone but sent me a brief text saying thank you for the card and money.He loves using the phone but another pleasure taken from us. Thanks everyone for being supportive got to think bad and very wrong things yesterday as i cant bear the way not only i get treated but my gs too

Did you get to visit your DGS in hospital Maryland ?

Oh Marylane how cruel of your D to get her H to ask you to leave like that, it must have hurt you terribly, to cheer you a little So please to hear your GS is home and recovering well. To not let you visit your DGS in hospital, hurt her S [your GS] just as much as you, how unkind!

I'm hurting too, at not being allowed to see my beloved D&GC, Easter seems to hit hard and I'm feeling quite tearful, 4.5yrs now cut out by my beloved GD stepfather because he was jealous of our love for each other!

Glad gs is doing better!

So sorry for the way you were treated. I think sil was trying to keep the lid on things though, as I'm sure you understand. I feel for him, too.

It must have hurt terribly to know that everyone else was getting to stay for bbq except you (are you sure that's the case?). Is there any way the strain between you and your d can be eased so that this doesn't happen again?

If not, then I have to agree with the poster who said to develop other interests, etc. This problem will still hurt, I know, but perhaps not as much. (((Hugs)))

I could cry for you marylane what an awful way to be treated

This is all so difficult and sad marylane.For the sake of your grandson you can only continue as you are keeping a low profile.
Keep in touch with your grandson as much as you are allowed to do then build your own life. Put the problems to one side and do some enjoyable things for yourself. Allow a small window to think about your daughter then put it away and live your life.
I know it's clichéd and not easy but life is for living. Wish I could help more.

my son in law said time to go as my daughter had gone out so that she would not see me and was due back. Goodness only knows what everybody thought as you might slip to the shops for 5 mins if youve forgotten something but an hour ...I suspect they all know something but what i dont know

Why did your son in law say time to go?

thank you all for your support while my GS was in hospital he is thank god recovering at home and can manage a wheelchair frighteningly well. Watch your toes! I didnt visit whilst he was in hospital for the 8 days and sent him a card and present. I didnt trouble the hospital staff apart from on the first day when the nurse said dont worry im sure all will be well but he is still in theatre after 8 hours. Was not allowed to see him as apparently no one was allowed at the home until he was recuperating properly so i got my usual 1 hour visit only to find all the family there in the lovely sunshine and after 1 hour i was told quietly by my son in law it was time to go. I felt so humiliated as we were all chatting away and having a lovely time and GS showing off a bit in his chair. I feel like walking away and would appreciate some views ladies. I dont mean loose contact with him, i sent him a letter and pocket money last week and Easter card on its way but i feel so ill myself as there was a bbq that night which everyone expected me to be going to but i just had to smile and say i wouldnt be going but hoped to see them all again soon. I cant abide grovelling to my daughter for a visit as the new tactic is he would rather see his friends, of course he would thats natural but I feel if i am to go on like this i will lose the plot

More unpleasantness.

thank you all for your suggestions and caring comments. I have sort of decided I will not involve the hospital at all apart from leaving a card and present to be given to him and will tell my daughter not go behind her back as I think this is asking for trouble.I will ask her if I could visit for a short time but only when it is convenient for her and stressing I am aware of the worry she must be going through so will only go at a time convenient to her. If I get a no I will just have to leave the card and pressie though my grandson will wonder why nana came to the ward but did not see him. She has a husband of 12 years who is wonderful but he is stressed out at present as he is afraid she will leave him again if he doesnt do what she asks. He has renovated the home and bought a car for her and hates this situation. I think he only stays put because of his son.

I feel for you marylane, I know what it feels like when a much loved GC is facing major surgery. I woke every morning for years and my first thought would be about my youngest GS who was due for his third operation at age four. The worry is always there in your mind before these operations.

My DIL always insisted with each operation after the ICU that one adult was with my GS at all times to be an advocate in case my GC was in pain or he needed someone to speak up, which happened three times when I was with him. I spent many hours day and overnight taking turns sitting with my GS or looking after his older brother at home. It does help to be involved rather than wondering if you GC is okay.

It's a shame for children who love their GPs to be denied contact. I would offer to my DD if she needs you to sit with your GS when she is not able to that you could be available at any time. I would also buy him a small gift, such as a book or something to keep him occupied. Possibly let your DD know its there at the desk. Other than that sadly with your DD there is not much you can do. Best wishes

Send a card and please don't do anything to further upset your daughter whilst she is already worried about her son's hospitalization. You stand a chance of ruining what you do have - monthly access to your GS.

I've spent years walking a thin line around birth parents with regard to dcs in my care, diplomacy is the order of the day, I totally agree with everything riverwalk says. Under no circumstances should you send a huge card, this will just look like point scoring and will be used against you. You may not like what's being said about you and everything may seem unfair but there is no way you will win this one especially if you give the opposition ammunition. You just have to go with the flow and accept the situation until your DGS is old enough to make his own decisions. You have no rights, like me, I'm keeping my gob shut and waiting for two of my precious DCs to come find me when they are older, one of which lived with me for 3 years, the other I supported for 9 years. If they don't I will accept it for the sake of the DCs. Sadly the parents who behave like this damage the children more than they improve their own lives, all you can do is bite your tongue and resist the temptation to interfere. Fortunately I get on well with my own DCs and inlaws, I never take sides or criticise and they are nice to me.

Marylane please be careful. You do not say whether your DD has husband/partner support, or how he feels about you. If she is alone and on medication, with the problems you have described, she is not going to be considerate, reasonable or rational. I understand how you have tried to compensate for the loss of her father; I did the same with my DD over her turbulent childhood and my eventual divorce from my husband. The result is that I am constantly hurt by expectations that are not met because I have created a situation where my needs are unrealistic! It is hard to step back or to accept that we can't have what is right. It is hard to cope with inconsiderate and unreasonable behaviour. But you only have to look on this website to realise that you are most certainly not alone!

Sadly, we are usually responsible for how our children treat us and facing that isn't easy. If you've let DD walk all over you for years, as you say, then she's not going to change now! Is she having counselling? Are you able to just sit with her and talk to her and ask how you can help her? It may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, but if it helps improve the situation, it may be worth it.

Just do a normal size card with lots of love and wishing him better soon in it! And maybe an appropriate small present from Grandma. DGS will know you love him. As everyone has said, he's growing up and this situation will sort itself out in a few years. It's hard, but be patient. And be good to yourself too - you've done nothing wrong other than love them!

Op with your update your GS needs you as a constant support in his life long term. 1 he a month is very very little. But in his mind you will be a strong loving figure during and struggles with his mothers problems.
However if his mother snaps and cuts you out completely then he may lose a lot more then a quick visit.
Is your GD in contact with them? Can she provide you with updates?

Family fallings out are so hard to bear and to navigate through. There have been a fair few in my family. Would try to keep all lines of communication open, stay positive, don't rise to any bait that may appear and just try to do your best in a very difficult situation. Hope all goes well

Maybe dd will relax the visiting rules while gs is in hospital? Maybe not but you really don't know yet, do you?

So sorry about your gs, maryjane. Of course, you are worried about him. Hope his surgery is successful. He will be in my prayers,

Your dd sounds like a difficult person, no matter what the reasons. But tg you get that one hour a month. Some gps here are fully cut out.

I agree that it would be a good idea to ask dd if you could spend that one hour visiting gs in the hospital, even if it is off schedule. If she says no, then just maybe send him a parcel and call once or twice after the surgery to ask hospital how he is doing.

Has your daughter told the hospital staff that she doesn't want you to visit your GS ? If she has then why are they letting you ? I know you are in an awful position but legally she can do this. The staff on the ward are asking for trouble if they are going against her wishes. Legally I mean.

My heart goes out to you Marylane, as I'm sure you did what you thought was your very best for your daughter when she lost her dad - we can all look back at our parenting methods and realise where we might have gone wrong, in hindsight. However, I don't think you should be doing anything without your daughter's agreement other than sending a fun card and some small gifts. Surely that doesn't need her permission. But ask her if you can visit, using up some of your monthly "allowance" (I don't see much more of my grandchildren and I'm not banned at all).

GP rights is a difficult one. I don't think I could go with legislation. I know one GP who is manipulative and narcissistic and would do all she could to turn her Grandchildren against their lovely mother (she's already tried with the husband - and failed). But no court would ever notice what she is capable of. At the end of the day GPs are one step removed and only half the blood of the grandchildren.

Marylane, Your daughter will reap what she is sowing. She is basically teaching him how a Mother should be treated.

No surprise there then..