Gransnet forums


Getting to see a grandson in hospital

(57 Posts)
marylane1996 Sun 26-Feb-17 08:38:37

I have to fight to see my 10 year old grandson who is about to go in for a major op. Apart from the fact I am allowed just over an hour once a month to see him I am worried sick that i will be stopped visiting by my daughter who says she hates the sight of me. The ward have been helpful by saying arrange your visit so that you dont bump into each other but I dont want to hurt my grandson by not going to see him. I am afraid she will bar the way. Sounds terribly dramatic but that is how my daughter is. Anyone been through this or advice would be so welcome

grannypiper Sun 26-Feb-17 08:55:23

mary what an awful situation, i think you need to go with the rules, your DGS is 10 and in a few short years will be able to make his own choices so just play by the rules, dont every say a bad word about his Mum as i am sure he will see he for what she is. Just enjoy your time with him.

Anya Sun 26-Feb-17 09:07:36

That's sad. I'm sure your grandson, at 10, understands why you have limited time with him. Even at the risk of a knock-back, I'd ask your daughter if there was a short 10 minute slot where you could perhaps visit without upsetting her.

Maidmarion Sun 26-Feb-17 10:22:19

What a sad situation. The more I look on here the more I see how unreasonable some children have become (mine included!). I hope you manage to see him at least for a short visit. You could write to him too perhaps?

My DIL has just banished me so I haven't been able to visit my DGS (14) over the half term, and my daughter and SIL in USA have 'forbidden' me from contacting my three grandchildren at the moment. (This makes me sound like an ogre which I'm not!!! Far from it in fact!). I've written about my own situation so that you know how much I can empathise with you.
I feel for you, I really do. It's heartbreaking - so much estrangement amongst families.

radicalnan Sun 26-Feb-17 10:26:56

Tricky, get a parcel together of good swag for your GS and nip in quickly to see him, hard though now that parents are allowed to spend long hours with kids in hospital to co ordinate such a visit.

If you generally only see him for an hour a month, will he be expecting you? Maybe best to leave a nice parcel for him with the nurses, rather than deviate from the norm. No one wants to make anything worse than it need be when someone is poorly.

Worthingpatchworker Sun 26-Feb-17 10:48:32

Can you Skype him? That might help continue the contact.

Blinko Sun 26-Feb-17 11:02:53

Heartbreaking. Could DD be afraid that he could love you more than he loves her? Just a thought.

luluaugust Sun 26-Feb-17 11:06:01

I see your daughter hasn't actually banned you from going yet, would it be possible to negotiate a visiting time like you have the monthly visit? You could certainly leave a card with the nurses and ask them to tell your grandson it had come for him, they would confirm you hadn't visited if it has been banned.I am so sorry that with a sick child your daughter doesn't take all support you could offer her..

Riverwalk Sun 26-Feb-17 11:38:19

Yes, it's certainly sad that you're only allowed one hour a month but for her own reasons that's your daughter's decision.

Obviously there's a lot of history that brought this situation about but I must say that it's quite telling that your DGS is not yet in hospital and you've already been speaking to ward staff, no doubt without your daughter's permission or knowledge.

You should tread carefully or you might lose the one hour.

Dee Sun 26-Feb-17 11:46:46

What Riverwalk said resonated with me. As my wise old mum used to say, "One tale's good till another's told."
Do you have a good friend who knows you, warts and all, who could talk you through this Marylane?
As none of us have any background to this situation I think its impossible to give any sound counsel.

Chloret1 Sun 26-Feb-17 11:49:36

Why does your daughter object to you seeing him? I can understand that you want to give your support but I'd be careful about going behind her back. It might make a bad situation worse.

Teddy123 Sun 26-Feb-17 11:51:03

Good advice Anya ....

sarahellenwhitney Sun 26-Feb-17 11:56:56

Marylane1996 Why oh why do our kids treat us like this.
My eldest walked away six years ago after a few 'words' no idea where she is and there are times when having one of what I call my 'hormonal issues'I cry with frustration and the fear not knowing whether she is ok. Just a minute on the phone is all I need that she is ok.My late DH cousin has always been friendly with her but refuses, she says out of respect!! for my daughter, to tell me anything.
Of course you want to see your grandson but does he know the feelings!!!!!! his mother has for you and as he has to have an op the less stress he has the better.?
Just a suggestion but have you thought of getting a really huge card saying how much you love him and thinking of him have a quick pop in to his ward to give it him and at the same time have a word with the ward manager and tell him/her the situation and can he/she advise you what is best. They must get a lot of situations like yours.
There will come a time, after all your grandson is now ten, when your daughter will not be able to dictate to her son what he can or cannot do. Bide your time no matter what you feel and knowing you will be seeing him again when he comes out of hospital. Thinking of you.

Bibbity Sun 26-Feb-17 12:00:01

I'm sorry that your GS is going through this.

However. You need to tread very very carefully.
You have no right to any information from the hospital. If they divulge anything to you. Even confirming to you that he is a patient there then your daughter could raise a grievance with the hospital and have that staff member struck off.
How is she going to feel if she finds out you've been digging?
Could it tip her over the edge?
Right now the priority is your GS everyone and everything around him has got to be call and focussed.
Your daughters #1 priority is going to be him. Unfortunately I doubt she will give you a second thought.
You could send a text just saying that you're thinking of them all and that if she needs anything to let you know.
But please don't overstep or cross her boundary.

Riverwalk Sun 26-Feb-17 12:29:55

have you thought of getting a really huge card saying how much you love him and thinking of him have a quick pop in to his ward to give it him

Yes, that advice is really going to ease the situation isn't it? hmm

FWIW, my advice is to do no such thing. I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would think that's a good idea!

quizqueen Sun 26-Feb-17 12:41:52

When families are alienated from each other it's hard to imagine what has led up to this as, of course, we only hear one side of the story. I should count myself lucky that I have the opposite in my life and see my family regularly socially (I also work with them a few times a week) as well as almost daily texts, calls and emails. I willingly help them out whenever I can but they know that if I have something planned with friends I wouldn't change arrangements for them unless it was an emergency.

Jane43 Sun 26-Feb-17 12:59:41

This is such a heartbreaking situation for you. From experience I would say don't do anything in haste or anything that could be perceived as going against or criticising your daughter. People can be very vindictive if they feel under threat.

For now you have your one hour a month and all you can do is let him see that you make maximum use of that hour and never let him down. It seems very harsh but it is important to play by the rules or things could change for the worst.

Hopefully you can call the hospital daily to check on his progress, they will usually pass on messages to the patient.

Riverwalk Sun 26-Feb-17 13:04:41

Gawd, don't know if I can take any more of this!

The hospital is NOT allowed to give progress reports to anyone other than parents/official carers.

booboo Sun 26-Feb-17 13:14:53

It is heartbreaking, and it does seem to be a problem between mothers and daughters rather more than mothers and sons. I have had terrible times with my daughter's rejection of me but it is getting better. I would like to hear from some of these thankless children maybe by posting on Mumsnet but would any child admit to their behaviour?
Is it perhaps natural for women to push their mothers away from themselves when they become mothers? I know of young women who say they can't bear to be around their mothers but that they would never do anything to hurt their feelings. Not all daughters are able to control what seems to be a natural aversion to their mother's very presence.

booboo Sun 26-Feb-17 13:20:25

Also there is a lot of advice about 'pussy footing' around, not upsetting or interfering or controlling but are young women and men also being advised about how to treat the parents who gave birth to them, brought them up etc. Is this a problem with a youth worshipping society that doesn't recognise the wisdom and experience of age?

My daughter gave me a lesson on how to wash up the other day!

Smetterling Sun 26-Feb-17 13:34:44

Why not tackle this head on? Ask your daughter when and how often she would like you to visit him in hospital. If the worst and she says not at all then say something like 'that's a shame as I could keep him company when you can't be there'. As everyone has said he is ten and will be able to make his own choices in a few short years. Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

marylane1996 Sun 26-Feb-17 13:41:07

Thank you all for your support and of course there is more to this story. My daughter drinks and is on prozac and has always been jealous of my relationship with my grandchildren. I have an 18 year old granddaughter and she texts me, we meet up but she left home as soon as she could as she could not bare being screamed at and having no privacy. We have a great relationship and she is living with her boyfriend of 2 years. Bit young I think but not for me to offer an opinion I am just there for her. I would not expect hospital staff to give me a breakdown on my grandsons medication or well being but know from past experience with friends they do say things like back from theatre, we will say you called etc He is having his leg turned from the hip and i worry he will be in awful pain. When I spoke to Alder Hey i explained the situation but no names were given as I thought that best to avoid as I dont want more trouble. My daughter has OCD as well and has controlled me for as long as I can remember, my fault because her dad died when she was 3 months old and I did not want to chastise her too much as she only had me consequently she walks all over me and shamefully i have let her rule the roost

Bluegayn58 Sun 26-Feb-17 13:55:26

An upsetting situation. You don't give a reason why your daughter feels this way about you, you may already know, but if not then it's worth taking a step back and thinking hard about whether it is your behaviour in some way which has contributed to this negative attitude towards you.

Be brutally honest with yourself and, if you come to the conclusion it is you, then it's time to find a new way forward. Apologising is the first step. The main thing is seeing your grandson, as he could be affected by losing contact with you.

If you're truly at a loss to explain your daughter's attitude, then you must ask her directly, but keep emotions out of it and stay calm.

Whatever you do - do not go behind your daughter's back. Visiting secretly is not the way to go and, believe me, will make matters far worse. Your daughter is going through a stressful time, so perhaps you could offer to help in some way.

I really hope you find a solution. xx

janeayressister Sun 26-Feb-17 14:03:48

marylane you have my utmost sympathy. There is just no reasoning with some people but when those people are your children you inevitably end up suffering. I think in the circumstances that you have to accept the restrictions your DD has imposed.
However, there may be light at the end of the tunnel as your GS is growing up.

We hadn't seen my lovely niece for ten years because of the actions of her Mother. She effectively cut us off from her DD and prevented her from seeing anyone of her Father's family. As soon as my niece was old enough to think for herself, she got in touch with her Father and us .
Your GS will remember his lovely Gran and the warmth he received from you. Children are not stupid and will make up their own minds. So try and relax as not all is lost.
Hugs as you need them. Chin up.

Bluegayn58 Sun 26-Feb-17 14:06:37

I'm so sorry marylane, while previewing my answer I didn't see your most current post.