granchidren moving away

Hi Saidy17..bit late joining this discussion..I agree with both willsmadnan and M0nica on this. It's incredibly painful for you as is empty nest syndrome but it's best not to let your children or grandchildren see the devastation you feel. I have 3 children and 3 grandchildren and I have experienced your feeling of emptiness but I remember trying to assert my independence as a young mum and part of that was moving far enough away from support networks to allow myself to stand on my own 2 feet. This didn't mean I didn't love my family but I felt guilty because of the weeping and wailing that followed my decision. I promised myself I would never do that to my kids and I would set them free to fly. Be happy for them and deal with your sorrow in private. There is nothing wrong with being a doting mum and grandma but our children are merely lent to us for a short time before they are adults. My children have travelled the world, moved away, moved back and each time my guts ached but I smiled and encouraged and realised the greatest gift you can give them is their freedom and independence to make their own way in life. Good luck Saidy17 with coming to terms with this...you are certainly not on your own on this well trodden path.

In October 2011, my youngest daughter and her then boyfriend set off to sail round the world. They still have no plans to return. In the meantime they have had two children and got married. We have visited them in Panama and Mexico (where our first grandchild was born) and (just me) in New Zealand. They were back for some months in 2015/16 and say they will also be back for a while in 2018.

Apart from that it's infrequent Skype calls when there is a signal and looking at photos on Instagram. I have made a deliberate decision not to be anxious or sad for years on end (though the loss of the Cheeky Rafiki was a blow to that determination). I write them an email every week so that they can keep up with us and our life.

Of course the OP is sad and in shock but I assure you it can be coped with and you WILL be OK.

I really sympathise as this has just happened to me, 3 months ago and my Daughter had a baby in the 2 nd month so both of my GC live nearly 300 miles away now. I've found it incredibly hard but it was job related so they had no choice, my only advice is to plan trips so you know you will be seeing them and have something to look forward to and Skype or video call if you can...

I would be devastated too but try and be positive. They are staying in the same country, so there is always a way to visit them. When they're older they can come and stay with you. Plan to see them as often as possible. Would once a month be doable?

I know how you're feeling. DD1 moved 300 miles away to Cornwall when she was 20, long before she had a child. DD2 was living with us when she had her first child. Due mainly to financial considerations she moved 150 miles away. That hit me really hard. She now lives near her sister in Cornwall. They both have settled family life. I look forward to visiting every couple of months. I don't drive and DH doesn't like going away much so he bought me a Senior Rail Card (so I get 1/3 off) and I love the train journey on my own almost as much as the visit. Hardest thing is tears from the DGC when I leave. Hope things will settle down well for you x

Saidy17 I can only offer you my sympathy. This is SO hard

My son has just announced that my two grandsons and his ex wife are thinking of moving to Australia. He of course, is not happy about this.

I am in two minds about it. Of course, they will have a lovely lifestyle over there, but on the other hand, we will never get to see them. I can't afford to go in case anyone suggests visiting, as much as I'd like to.

It's a difficult situation. We will obviously miss them, especially my son who sees them on a regular basis. Also one of the boys is about to do his gcse's .
Be interesting to hear what they have to say about it.

Hi Saidy I was just wondering how old the GC are. Our attachment to GC quite took me by surprise so I can understand your sadness that yours are going to be moving. I too am literally joined at the hip to my daughter .... Already had 2 texts from her this morning though I saw her last night when she came to collect her son. But you must remain positive. We live "at the seaside" and it's a wonderful life for young and old alike.

You will still have a wonderful relationship with your DD and her family with the added bonus of enjoying time away at the seaside.
Try your best to encourage their brave decision .....

In the meantime start exploring transport links etc.

Wishing you all the best. You never know, this time next year you may even decide to move to the coast too ???

Sorry to hear you're upset about your family moving away. I'd read carefully what Matilda53 has said.

I was very close to my mother too. However, when my children were young we moved around 400 miles away. My mother made me feel terrible. Every day I felt guilty and carried a 'black shadow' which I couldn't shake off. After 7 years of her tears on the phone / during visits, I uprooted my family and moved back to be near her as the guilt I felt was too much. The truth is, although I loved her dearly, I went on to resent my mother.

Being the mum of three grown up children now, I just love to hear about their travels and experiences. Inside I feel sad that they're all in various parts of the world but all three are in touch through Skype regularly and they visit two or three times a year. When they do, it's very special. I see lots of my little GS in Spain through Skype.

Your daughter will know how you are feeling and will no doubt be worried about how you're going to react when the time comes to move. Please give her the biggest gift you can - give her freedom to go where life takes her... guilt free. She will love you all the more for it.

I do hope as time passes that you feel better.

Excellent post Monica. I left my home country at 18 year got married here in England at 23 and have lived here ever since. My darling parents who are now dead, visited me 3 times a year for a couple of weeks each time during all those years. Not once did I feel that I had done wrong in their eyes they supported me all they way and wrote to my two DC every week. They loved their visits and England as much as I do. We were closer than a lot of relations that live in the same town and I thought my parents every single day of my life.

I have every sympathy for you. My daughter moved to the US in 2014, taking 4 of our 6 grandkids with her. Apart from when someone in the family died, it was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. There's no getting away from it - it hurts.

In some ways, the bit you are going through at the moment can be the worst. Waiting for it to happen, and wondering how you will cope, is torture. Saying goodbye is horrible too. After that, though, you gradually get used to it. It takes time, as everything does, but life does settle down slowly into its new pattern. You have to give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. (I ate a lot of peanut butter straight from the jar when I was trying to cheer myself up - it helped!)

There is no easy answer but you will get through it. I do understand - you love them and you know you will miss them. You will get to see them, though. 300 miles is a long way but it's not the ends of the earth. Concentrate on that thought, and keep in touch via the phone, FaceTime, Skype or whatever you prefer. You'll be okay. It might not feel like it now, but you will.

Saidy17
When reading of 'your' feelings concerning your daughter and her husband's plans for their future I was overwhelmed by a profound feeling of sympathy .For your daughter that is.
I will no doubt be shot down in flames from my response.

Does your daughter know of your feelings concerning their plans?.
Of your belief she thinks only of her husband?
Why should she not.? For better or worse?
She lives in a dream world?.To want to better their lives?

Contrary to your opinion how do you know what is best for your daughter and her family.What better prospects lie ahead with their move.?
300 miles is but a stones throw compared to 3000 that many parents see their children move to.
Not only do I sympathise with your daughter but her siblings and your DH.
To totally absorb oneself in just one area of your family is to the point of going OTT.
Give her your blessing allow her to fly 'your nest' and when she has settled in her new home book an all in holiday.
Coach firms have a wonderful selection for all over the country. Life can/will still go on.

Just thought I'd mention this as no one else has - is this a pipe dream about "living by the sea" - you say your DD lives in a dreamworld and you don't know how they'll manage financially - could this be a dream that will never come to fruition. Towns on the coast tend to be very run down in lots of places - housing departments house a lot of homeless people there - not that there's anything wrong with that - it's just that many seaside towns have changed dramatically over the past 50 years. Also in the winter you have the howling gales off the sea!

Do they have jobs to go to - if not, it does sound like a pipe dream and they're thinking of the beach on the few days we get in the summer!! BUT if they are going you will have to make the best of it - someone mentioned going on the train (one third off with a senior rail card) and the grandchildren could come and stay with you in the school holidays maybe?

I have family in another European country - they've been there 10 years and we visit every couple of months though they rarely come here. It gets easier as the children get older as they don't change so much as when they're babies.

I'm sorry people are criticising you for absorbing yourself in your family - I totally understand and wonder if it's harder as it's your daughter who you might be close to than DILs. I don't have a daughter though the older I get the more I'd love one.

Do

Hi just wanted to say my Dear Daughter went to live in Australia with her Two boys, of course my heart split a little, my daughter & myself are very close.
But I feel you bring your kids up to make there own way in life, we try to give them the
Confidence they need to do what they feel is right for them.
I talk to them all on the FaceTime twice a week, & have wonderful times when they come back to us, or we go to them,and Iam sure you will do the same, it is hard, but be proud of them for the new challenge they have. As they will not have you to turn to when they need a babysitter, but we all get by.

Sorry you are hurting and feeling the way you do. You sound like a mother who always wants the best for her children. Try and think of it as the best thing because for them, at this time, it is. Learn to skype and you can talk to them as often as you like. I agree with the previous comments that you will enjoy holiday visits. Remember, they are going to miss you too. I wouldn't think of moving closer to them just yet...see if they settle first. They may move back. I don't know if you do Skype but I see you have other children who can teach you. If you lived by me I would be happy to help you. Cheer up and focus on the positives and not the negatives...

When our DS moved overseas 4 years ago with my 2 GC, it was so painful. Thankfully our DD had a GC here and we were involved in her care from Day 1 so that truly saved us. Life changes but evolves. The children won't forget you, your visits and theirs will be more precious to you all. Whatsapp is fantastic with little videos and messages sent. I send a monthly Granny's parcel with a funny letter, books and sweets and now the eldest can reply. We skype too though that is harder for the children to sit still but we can catch up with the adults!

Oh Saidy17, I feel for you. I am still grieving after nearly 3 years away from grandchild, living in Africa. We Skype each week and for him this is natural. He talks to me as though I am there, he kisses me on his camera to say goodbye, he talks about "how many sleeps" until we visit each other "and we can cuddle ourselves" so shows his affection for us and his desire to be with us. We have seen him 4 times during his time away. But still, every time we turn Skype off, it feels like a bereavement. Like you, I looked after him a couple of days a week until he was 2 years old. That was a blessing and a curse. You are entitled to grieve. You sound as though you are trying to make the best of the situation. Each one of us feels loss differently. I would never make light of it. When you are ready, you will find ways of managing this. For the moment, know that your grandchildren will always be close to you, having shared so much with you in their early lives.

You will get used to it but think carefully before upping sticks and moving to be near your DD, she may move again in a few years.
My DD lives abroad and has applied for citizenship, she says she will not be coming back, I will not be going to live in that country.

It's the initial shock that the life you have grown accustomed to with its structure and all is suddenly going to change. It's like the empty nest when the last one leaves home, whichI'm still struggling to adjust to. But the good thing is, while we are still living and breathing, other opportunities can then come up.
I wish you well and that you go on to have plenty of lovely holidays near where they are moving to.

Oh Saidy I really feel for you. But, as others have said, you HAVE to be positive for their sakes. We have neighbour's in Midlands, one of their DDs is in Cornwall so they regularly Skype, face time, ring and then hire a cottage (esp out of season) to visit them without being under their feet. Our youngest GD is a 3 hour drive away-it breaks my heart to leave her-but we make the best of a "bad job". Once they are teenagers/at uni you will hardly see them anyway! Or you might see more of them then. . .

To Willsmadnan...thanks for saying what you have about moving closer to grandchildren and losing your status as a fun Gran as I'm in that situation. My daughter is married to a soldier who is due to leave the Army soon and they want to make their forever home up in beautiful Yorkshire. I live down South. I was dreading their move North but I am lucky in that I visit for a week every 4 to 5 weeks and everyone looks forward to my visits . I am very close to my daughter and their dear daughter and although I was dreading this, it's working out well so far.

300 miles is not that far. For the last 19 years we have been travelling 3500 miles to see our grandson and granddaughter. We value the time we have with them and love planning our next holiday to go and see them.

Polly580 You sound like a mother who always wants the best for her children. Are you suggesting that many of us do not want the best for our children?

I would say that almost every parent wants the best for their children. The poster has been used to having all her children and grandchildren living close by. She is shocked when one announces a move away and wondering how she will adjust, that is all.

When my son and his family moved to the sea, we raised money from our house on equity release and bought a flat near them. We go to see them now, have the grand children for sleepovers, and let out the flat as a holiday flat to cover the costs. It is working well!