Wondering if it's time to say I won't be watching my granddaughter anymore

Hi harleysnana
It was this bit
Her failure to get moving we (other daughter and husband) believe that can be attributed to Harley being left in a swing or other restraining items most of the time. I'm not knocking my son in law who up until now was a stay at home Dad. We all adore Harley and I am sure he was thinking "if she's happy why mess with it". Once the TV was off and she was on the floor all day she crawled on day 3.
I didn't say you had criticised them to their faces - just that they had probably picked up that you thought Harley was slow at becoming mobile because of the way your SiL looked after her.
Remember that only 7% of communication is verbal - most of it is by gestures, facial expression, body language etc. So your DD and SiL may well have sensed the rest of the family's disapproval even if no one actually said anything.
But I'm glad you feel better and I think your game plan is definitely the way to go.

So glad things are improving Harleysnana - I think sometimes we just need to say 'hey, hang on there!' Also relieved to know that the vegan diet is monitored and approved by health professionals.

So it seems that things are going better. I made myself unavailable for a few days and SIL asked if I would be able to watch her again soon as he said he doesn't trust anyone else with her. Yeah I am a bit confused by that statement but am relieved all the same. Janeainsworth, I can't seem to find in my posts where I said that I had criticized the kids about her development. My oldest daughter did say that she and her sister were talking about it. My oldest also said that she feels Harleys improvement is due to my constant floor play and that her sister and father feel the same. I have told them that it could be a coincident. Which of course it could. If I gave the impression that I took either of them to task that would be incorrect, I have said nothing to them except it must have just been her time. It's hard enough being a parent without someone in your face saying you're doing it wrong. Thanks for mentioning it in case anyone else thought the same as that would be awful.

So I have had sometime to process how I feel and in the future I have a game plan of calmly letting them know their comments hurt and to ask if they have an issue to please let me know but to try to express it in a way that is respectful and caring.

I can't being to thank all of you who took the time to share your thoughts and advice. I am a stranger to you and yet you all cared enough to post here and it was invaluable to me.

I agree with thatbags. You are doing them a huge favour (I know you enjoy it but, still, caring for a young child is full time is tiring) and their demanding attitude is just so wrong and needs to be corrected.

Soon this little one needs to play with other children. Are there any mum and toddler groups/play schools you can take her to?
When we looked after GDG number 5-who lived a few hours drive away so we didn't see her regularly-I always asked DD to do me a list of her "timetable" so I knew what time to do things to keep her to her own schedule. It worked well and we were all happy. If I needed to be flexible within that list then I was.
I would research vegan diet to make sure DGC has all the nutrients needed.

Your D and SiL sound like wackaloons, but their child, do as they ask or quit childminding.

Monica sensible post,

Obviously being estranged gran I would say tread soooo carefully,

Please consider awful mistakes I must have made withoutnrealising it,
However my s imlaw was determined to cut all xxx family out and he succeeded so that's different altogether,

However having said that I can barely believe how rude your daughter is and ungrateful,

Once my dear late mum looked after neibor baby and gave her gravy and mash, I was horrified however the baby's mum said how kind of you, which it was of course,

I think your d and s imlaw are taking your for granted butmas said please word to carefully and do explain how much effort you have put in,
This needs to be said calmly in non confrontational way which isn't easy.

Since devastation of Losing only d and g kids I am lot more careful now,

Hope it works well

Harleysnana Lots of good advice here & I echo what starlady says about parents having a right to say how they want their child to be cared for. But when they delegate the care, whether it's to GPs or to daycare (are you in the USA by the way?) they have to realise that sometimes the carer acts on their own initiative in the interests of the child. It's not a power struggle.
Having said that, I picked up from your OP and subsequent posts, that you thInk Harley's development might have been delayed by SiL's parenting (leaving her in swings etc) and that you discussed this this with your other daughter.
It seems likely to me that SiL and your DD have picked up that you have been critical of their childcare and their criticism of you is a defensive backlash.
One thing I have learnt is that parents, especially when they are one's own DCs, are always right and any alternative parenting methods have to be presented with large dollops of tact and diplomacy.
It's not enough to say that because I brought you up, I can bring your child up too. Times change

The first time I looked after my granddaughter she came with three pages of written instructions. I have a photograph of me showing her the instructions and telling her that she wasn't following them!
Now my daughter says that the children (there are two now) behave differently with us so there are no instructions.

Loads of great advice so far Harleysnan . Sounds like your GD really needs your imput to help her develop , you are doing a great job ! I feel very sorry for little ones who have these wacky diets imposed upon them , was your DD always a vegan or was it the SILs influence . I am all for a veggie diet btw but vegan . I hope the talk goes well , I would imagine they will grumble between themselves for a bit but then see what a treasure you are xx

Harleysnana I am glad to read that you are now going to speak up. You are doing them a favour and they should be grateful.

ajenela The ten top food highest in magnesium are dark leafy greens, nuts and seeds, fish, beans and lentils, whole grains, avocados, low fat dairy, bananas, dried fruit and dark chocolate. Sky News have no idea! Vegan diets can be really healthy, depending on what you eat of course. I thought type 2 diabetes was either caused by genetics or lifestyle (eating the wrong food), definitely not by eating a healthy vegan diet.

The people who are in the Blue Zones (the five regions where researchers have found have the largest concentration of centenarians in the world) are mainly vegans and their diets have plenty of magnesium. Blue Zone Food.

Heard someone talking today re vegan diets ? Sky news and they said children and adults on a vegan diet were at risk of type 2 diabetics due to lack of magnesium.

How was she cared for before that she needed so much input to improve her motor skills?

Is SIL dominating your daughter with his ideas? Are they also her ideas?

And I agree with what everyone else says.

But wait... would sil really have to give up his job to watch gd if you stop? Can they afford to hire a professional nanny or childminder? Or can you help them pay for that?

Also, I just saw the post where you said you're going to give them a choice. I hope you do it gently so that it doesn't blow up in your face or cause resentment that might come back to bite you later. Maybe preface it by saying how much you enjoy taking care of gd and how happy you are to help them out. Best of luck!

I love watching my gc, but I couldn't do it all the time and whenever. I definitely think you're too available. If they're going to load you down with "rules" and be critical, then, at least, you need to limit the amount of times this can happen. If you've already promised to watch her during the week while they work, then, maybe keep doing that, but nothing more.

But they want to go out sometimes? Well, they can find someone else, take her with them, or just stay home.

Imo, parents have a right to say how their child is to be cared for. No matter how well you raised your kids, they have a right to do things their way and to try to see to it that it's done their way in their absence. But I can see where their questioning and criticizing so much could be daunting. Better, I think, if they gave you a list (either verbally or written) of what they expect - number of bottles, length of naps, etc. But, imo, they should be flexible enough to understand that things don't always go according to plan and you might have to do something different sometimes.

If you can't stand the thought of following their rules or they refuse to be at all flexible, then, yes, perhaps it's time to give them your notice. It's hard enough all living in the same house without having the added tension of differences over childcare.

Nothing advice-wise to add to what others have said here but I feel nothing but sympathy for you. It's desperately sad that it should have come to this. I hope you can sort it out with a meaningful conversation, or that your DD and S-I-L at least come to realise how hurtful their constant ungrateful carping is.

I will be talking to them, I've been waiting as my emotions are so high right now. It's going to be put simply but complicated. Either you trust me and treat me as such or you need to find other child care as I will no longer be watching her. If they opt for number two I get in my car and head to a Holiday Inn for two days so I can lose it without prying eyes. I can't think of another choice.

I used to have a lot of arguments with SiL when GS1 was this age because he wasn't always sleeping or waking up when he was supposed to. But once they start growing up they do go through those awkward stages where one nap isn't enough and two is too many. He eventually realised that you just have to go with the flow.

We all love our DGCs and love spending time with them, but you should not make them the be all and end all of your life. That way lies disaster and unhappiness. I have lost count of the number of threads Gransnet has had from grandparents who have run their lives around their grandchildren and then one day, children and grandchildren up sticks and move away.

Decide what life you would like if you didn't have DGC, or think back to life pre-DGC and then work out how to share your life between DGC and your own separate life. It may mean telling your DC that you can only undertake childcare 3 or 4 days a week. If their apartment has access to your home other than the front door, then lock it so that if they want to talk to you or collect child they come to the front door and ring the bell.

You are an individual in your own right, not a household slave. Assert your right to be yourself and have your own life, then enjoy every moment you get with your DGC. Your DGC's parents will get over the shock and grow up and take responsibility for their lives and those of their child.

Don't burn your bridges if you are really enjoying looking after Harley and are not too exhausted!
If SIL has been the main carer and you have only just taken over then perhaps he is being over-anxious and will relax when they both see how well she is doing with you.

You do need to know what their expectations are for diet, naps etc (naps because they all need to get a decent night's sleep) but they will have to realise that you have brought up children of your own and that you are perfectly capable of looking after your DGD.

They need to relax and apply a bit of common sense to the situation.
Don't, however, let them take advantage of your good nature. You need a social life too and perhaps a couple of days at nursery would give you a break.
Good luck!

Thank you all so very much for all of your advice and words of encouragement. I think I needed to see what others thought in order to take action, which I am going to do.

To address a couple of questions that I was asked, Harley has a Public Health Nurse and Dietitian who monitor her diet. They both are very satisfied with what she is being fed. So I (omnivore) am leaving that one to the pros.

Her failure to get moving we (other daughter and husband) believe that can be attributed to Harley being left in a swing or other restraining items most of the time. I'm not knocking my son in law who up until now was a stay at home Dad. We all adore Harley and I am sure he was thinking "if she's happy why mess with it". Once the TV was off and she was on the floor all day she crawled on day 3.

The kids live in the basement and they do pay rent. I was the one to offer to care for her all week and would continue happily if the criticism wasn't an issue.

I take great pride in how I cared for my girls and now my granddaughter. For me every moment is a chance to help her grow and if they can't truly see that then I guess it's back to work for me and SIL can go back to watching baby again. Even if that will make be sad it's better than feeling this

Thanks again everyone <3

I look after two of mine and it is my house, my rules. That does not mean that I do not try and stick to what my DD does where possible; especially around naps, as I know she needs to get a night's sleep herself and if they nap too much in the day then that goes out of the window. But sometimes they sleep "too much" with me for whatever reason and DD leaves me to make that judgement, as she knows I will have done my best.

The children have their own routines here that bear very little relationship to home routines - and that is part of the fun for them. Their "Grandma days" are a breath of fresh air and a change for them.

The OP needs to start being firmer with her family, or else simply lie!

and.... you sound an amazing Granny. They should be so lucky!

Crikey
I'd take most of the advice given already and if it doesn't have any effect, take a deep breath and show them this thread.........nothing like having it spelt out in black and white

I see that they live in your house - presumably paying rent!
If not, then with free accommodation and free childcare they are not living in the real world and should be much more appreciative.
I must say DIL and DS tell us often how much they appreciate help from us and other DGP.

You need to find a balance between child care and having some kind of social life yourself
Good luck

I agree!
Looking after your DGD whilst they are at work full-time is hard enough without them leaving her with you while they go out socially too - are they spending any time at all with their own child?
I will probably get jumped on here - but a vegan diet could be dangerous for a child that age and you say she is behind in her milestones; could that be connected?

The only 'rule' I had when looking after DGC was not to let them nod off after about 2pm if possible after they dropped the day-time sleep because DGD2 in particular would be bouncing around happily until 9pm or later if she had even a 10 minute afternoon nap!
Easier said than done, particularly if we took her out in the car.

Perhaps nursery two or three days a week would be a good idea and the nursery should give a list of what naps, what she ate, if she passed a motion etc.

They are taking too much for granted.
Are you living in their house or do they live in theirs? That will be a consideration too, so take care how you approach this.