Estrangement - a living bereavement

I have no helpful suggestions to make, but reading this site over time has made me realise that this type of situation - estrangement from daughters, sons, in-laws and consequently from grandchildren and great-grandchildren - is much more common than anyone would guess.

My younger daughter died very suddenly at the end of 2002. That year is etched in my memory because January saw my remarriage after widowhood, and December the loss of my daughter. I've also lost contact with her husband because he disapproved of my other daughter attending her funeral - the two sisters had been estranged for many years and a fair-sized essay could be written about the reasons why. There is no issue of that marriage.

I have become estranged from my elder daughter. According to her I was 'never loving enough' and various things like that. Maybe I was too busy trying to keep a roof over our heads and food on our table since my first husband became chronically ill of the heart disease that finally killed him in 1992.

She also strongly disapproves of my second husband, calls him a 'snake'. That he is not. One of the things she may dislike is his habit of calling a spade a spade and not a hand-operated earth-moving implement.

I could be so proud of her. She's a linguist, gained a good Honours degree in Classics, qualified as a teacher of English as a foreign language and is presently working in Cairo teaching her mother tongue. I attempted to offer my praise and congratulations. 'What's it got to do with you' was her response.

I have 3 adult grandchildren and am in contact with only one of them. I have twin great-grandchildren born in September 2012 whom I have never seen and am unlikely ever to see.

Nevertheless I live a happy fulfilled life, fell in love all over again in my early 60s and we have a happy relationship within our physical limitations. DH is still recovering from very extensive knee reconstruction in a specialist unit and is still on crutches. We are planning to drive to the Black Forest this summer. I must improve my German by then!

I've had my heart broken in the past by things done to me by close relatives. Never again. I shan't allow them to do that to me. There's more to life than anguishing over those who don't care a tuppenny damn for me.

Me too, I have a D and 3x GC who I do not see and have no reason why that is. My D was very close to her brother but dropped him as well. I also have a son estranged due to his drug addiction, he comes home for a while, gets clean and well, then goes off again, and when he is using is my fault of course, so he says.

People just do not understand the pain of it all the ongoing self examination, worry and sadness.......

I have friends who have had this go on for years and then the missing person pops up when it suits them, no apoogy and no explanation either.

I reccomend the keepsake box because there will come a time when your GC want to know, who and where you were. They at the very least are entitled to that.

At least here we can see we are not alone.

Thank you so much everyone I'm overwhelmed by your wisdom, camaraderie and loving wishes. This is my first experience of a forum and it's been a very positive one. Womble54 I have signed the petition you mentioned and have also shared it on Facebook. It has inspired me to do more! As this is a public forum I don't feel able to give my whole story because I don't want to jeopardize the possibility of a reconciliation with my DS, GD and GS in the future. Therefore, if anyone wants me to private message them I am more than happy to do so.

I'd no idea that there so many people in my situation. I think it helps, a bit

Hearing so many times on gransnet about parents and there families. Think it is so sad for you all to have to go through this. Hope that it will get better for all of f you sometime, don't give up x

What is it with today's trend of using initials? Even the grandparents are doing it. I must be really backward. What is a DS, a GD, a GS? I'm presuming DIL is not the herb but daughter in law.

Advice from my mum (long since died unfortunately)- and I think good advice. Keep in touch but don't expect a response. I did this once when my daughter was not communicating in her late teens. Just sent her a postcard on a regular basis - with a brief message and sending love. For a long time I had no response, but now we have a great relationship. Another time, my DiL was having a difficult time and my offer of help was seen as intrusion and she refused to see me, shouting abuse etc. It was very hurtful but I decided to send a letter telling her that I love all my family and when she married my son, I extended that love to include her and my love was unconditional. It took a while, but eventually she made me something with a brief note which I accepted as the apology. Now all is good. I do think putting something in writing (not an email or text) is sometimes useful as the recipient can think on it at leisure. If you do this, don't make it about you and your hurt. Important to give and not expect to receive.

Although I haven't had this experience, it must be truly dreadful for those involved when it does. I have signed the petition mentioned and tweeted it too. Jam, I feel for you and hope things improve one day

DS- dear son
GD- grandaughter
GS- grandson

Hope that helps!

My grandaughter lived with us for many years, just going home to family at school holidays, we took her onholidays and lived her tobits. In her tees she returned home to live with the mother from hell. We kept in touch, supported her when needed etc. A few days after her 21 st we were going to take her out to lunch, booked a table and were onour way to pick her up when we had a phone call from mum to say she had gone to Ikea and would be a an hour or two late. We cancelled the meeting and went on our own. Since then, almost a year she has not spoken or contacted us, I have tried by saying lets meet up and talk it over. No response, her mothers says we were unreasonable in not waiting for upto 2 hours! It does upset me but I have decided thats it, she will contact me proably when she needs me and I might well not respond! Its not easy

I have list of support groups if anyone would find that helpful.
Please PM me.

Dear jam the saddest situation ... I have a lump in my throat after reading your story. The power of the OH seems insurmountable in these cases and I just don't get it. I can only wish you health and happiness with the rest of your family and a glimmer of hope that somehow your DS sees sense and that somehow you can all be a family again.

oh dear - how well I know and understand your pain. I had an estrangement with my son when he found a girlfriend 9 years older than him who wanted a baby. He was a very innocent 20 year old and it was his first real relationship. She didn't want me in her life at all and wanted my son totally for herself. It felt at the time as though he had died and I was, as you are, grieving. But what to do about it. No chance of talking this through as he was forbidden contact with me on pain of never seeing his own son again. So I did have his mobile no. and about once a month I would just text to say hi and say hope he and the baby (and the girlfriend!) were well. I knew he couldn't keep this up forever, and slowly their relationship ended as she had become impossible to live with. I just kept up the tiny drips of love through the innocuous text messages which asked for nothing at all, no visits, no phone calls, just literally hi and was he o.k. I didn't come to realise how to do this all on my own but bought books on how to manage estranged/angry relationships and the advice was to drop little bits of love into their lives without asking for ANYTHING back in any shape or form. It worked. I hope you all manage to work this through and to come out the other side. With love and a huge hug.

JAM56, what you have written could have been my story. I feel like I am going through a bereavement as does my DH and DS. Our only daughter is being brainwashed by our Sil. Oir 1st DGC was born in 2015 and we saw him briefly and have not been allowed to see him since. Our DD said she did not want us arriving unannounced and her having to accommodate us. I was really hurt by this as we are not people who just call on somebody without making arrangements first. All the Christmas presents were returned when our DGS was just 3 weeks old. We have made ourselves ill over it. Our DS, her younger brother voiced his concerns that he could see how bad life was for us and that we needed to get on with our lives. I was annoyed with him at first but quickly realised what else could we do? It's so hard to cope especially when you didn't realise this was heading your way. I am so ashamed of my DD and her behaviour. Sometimes survival has its costs and I really feel if I don't let go and move on I won't survive. I am so sorry for you and I hope this site helps, it's been a life saver for me. If you are struggling and want to talk I am more than happy to exchange emails. Wishing you well xxx

i have become to realise that nothing but jealousy is at the root of us not seeing our grandchildren,thinking of what we have done to cause such a situation in terms of trouble makes no sense at all we have done nothing,but thinking of it in terms of jealousy makes everything we have been faced with very clear my daughter in law has big big jealousy problems all confirmed by her own brother who also suffered her mischief making,she is very vocal towards others but,but will never listen,she has treated us like fools for many years and we allowed it to keep the peace.she has proven herself to be a liar and has brain washed our son,i have been at my wits end the past three years she could never face me and tell me to my face what i have done her biggest problem with me was there never was one so she had to manufacture,i just hope its been worth all her effort.

Gosh ! So sorry to hear your stories ......but it heartens me to know I am not the only one ! My daughter decided, for an unknown reason, suddenly to cut me completely out of her life nearly 10 years ago ...and all I have seen since then is one photo of her, some male 'friend/husband?' and a child ...whether this is my grandchild or not I have no idea.

It is particularly upsetting as although she refused to discuss anything with me ever ...I believe it is because I ran out of money to pay for everything ..the reason I think this is because I paid her rent at Uni bought her a car, paid all her bills, gave her a credit card on mine, which I paid , holiday, air fares to see us when we lived in Spain and then in France ....last thing in May 2007 I had a text message saying she and her then partner were thinking of bringing his two children to France on a holiday ...I promptly texted back fine ! I will get two bedrooms ready and a pool for the garden ! Pick you all up at airport - just let me have the date....no answer ..tried to find out why ...was blanked on Facebook, sent a terse text message saying do not contact me I am changing my mobile number (never had her land line ...knew where she worked but didn't like to phone her at work !) .....so all I can assume is it was because for the first time ever I did not offer to pay for everything ! c'est la vie ! we live and learn !

I cared for my grandson from babyhood till he was 10.for my eldest daughter. She was left by her fiancé pregnant .then met a man and left my grandson with me as she said she couldn't cope..she then came home with said man and announced that it was time for my grandson to be with her and her new husband .(I had no idea they were married. ).I was then told not to contact her as it would confuse my grandson.
I didn't see him again for twelve years. She never spoke to my mother ( her grandmother ) again and she died never seeing her Great GS again. My youngest daughter tried to communicate and was told to leave her alone. .this was 20 years ago and she hasn't spoken to us again. My Grandson got in touch with me via Facebook 4 years and even he doesn't know why his mother did what she did..she won't discuss it.. thank god my grandson is back in touch but my daughter is now a distant memory. .it's like I only ever had one child.

I have been feeling so much like I am the only one this could possibly happen to. I sat down to cheer myself up looking through Gransnet and there you all are with the same awful emptiness. I have three daughters. Eight grandchildren. Close like everyone says I thought we were so close regularly shopping together and having BBQ s and Birthdays together. Oldest daughter has always been a little jealous of involvement with middle and youngest but never wanted too much involvement herself just when convenient and was always loving. Middle daughter has had a traumatic few years during which we and our youngest daughter supported her. She didn't speak to her oldest sister and they said some awful things about each other. We worked hard to get them to speak and eventually they re established their relationship so much so they have been having a high old time rubbishing us. Such a lot has happened culminating in my lovely middle daughter physically attacking me and youngest daughter coming to my aid. I fell to the ground and had a small hairline crack in my clavical. Didn't do the arthritis much good either . My oldest sided with her. This was five months ago. We sent presents and cards at Christmas and Birthdays No response. Blocked on FB and they both live quite close but we have not seen our grandchildren since that day. I did ask if they would meet me early on but they ignored me and ignored my 70th Birthday over Christmas. If someone had told me this would happen I would have laughed at them. Neither of them will speak to my youngest daughter her four children are also affected because of the closeness as all of the cousins were brought up almost like siblings. Our family has been cut in half and I miss them all so much. I was and still am shocked and confused. My DH says there is more going on than we know in their lives for them to be so bitter about something. Is this a new thing? A generation thing where adult children discard their parents? Or have we just been nieve in thinking we had such a lovely happy family?

I could understand youngsters getting upset when Grandparents refuse to help out if the request is reasonable. What I do not understand is, when a Grandparent has bent over backwards and helped out whenever and with whatever, a child suddenly decides they do not want to know them anymore. Why is it? Perhaps maybe they realise that the bank of Mum and Dad has finally closed and they must stand on their own two feet?

I thank God every day that I see all my Grandchldren, and yes, I do know how lucky I am. Long may it last!

BIG HUGS for all those who are trying to deal with being cast aside for no reason whatever. It must be heart-breaking. Cling to the fact that one day their Grandchildren may come looking for them. It could happen, it does happen, and be ready with open arms.

Maybe it would help you to cope if you wrote something down about your life and how much you miss them? It would help them to find out about you and what they meant to you. They will come looking one day.

Yorkshiregel I think you may have hit many nails on the head. I m going to use your suggestion and write down my thoughts and memories. Might dig out some photographs to go with them. I must concentrate on the fact that I still have four loving grandchildren and a loving loyal daughter. Especially as she is so sad and I have to say quite angry. Concentrate on the positives and be there when and if things change.

OMG! So much heartache in this thread! I haven't had the experience, but I have a few friends irl who have, sadly. Also, apparently, from what I'm reading here, people don't always see it coming, so who knows? My heart goes out to all of you here who are in pain!

JAM, have you told ds that you tried to build a relationship with dil? What did he say? Is he still in touch with you at all?

Although since she has blocked you on fb, I suspect it's about more than whether or not you and she have a good relationship. There may be things she has on her page she doesn't want you to see for whatever reason. That suggests greater underlying tensions to me. Were there any before the estrangement?

Even if there were, I still don't see why that should lead to such a great estrangement. I can see if dil might decide to get some space but why ds and the kids, too? I am so deeply sorry about this. (((Hugs))) But I'm glad you're moving on. Good for you!

JAM56, I didn't read but your first post but I suggest looking at a support post by celebragann. The title is a long one about continued support and friendship, I think. The posters in that topic seem to get on well and have the same boxed set of issues to you.

That must be so hurtful, I feel for you, especially as you don't know why. I'd be tempted to send a recorded delivery letter so you know it got there, saying that you love them all, would dearly like to draw a line under the past, and start again, hoping to be able to build a relationship with the grandchildren . It's such a shame they miss out on a set of grandparents. Then sign it with love, and say it's up to them to contact you when they feel able. Then it's totally up to them! ( I'd even keep a photocopy so grandkids can see it when they are old enough to query what went on. Then try and put it out of your mind as much as you can, u can do no more.

For those who didn't see my earlier posting, here's the link to the national online petition - "Support the right of children to have an ongoing relationship with grandparents."

petition.parliament.uk/petitions/188381

Please sign and forward it on. Many thanks.