Fourteen year old granddaughter is harder to mind than when she was two

OH MY GOD, you embarrassed her in front of her friends? How could you? The world is coming to an end!
Every teen in the world has used that one, take a stand, gently request ground rules for future engagements. If it were me, I think I would sit down with both daughter and granddaughter and discuss what is acceptable for both parties. She may well have her own social engagements when mum is home. When you are the managing adult, maybe the rules can change temporarily to accommodate that you are not a youngster and need some routine!

I've had a fall out with my daughter and grandchildren after saying I couldn't drive them to our holiday site that evening straight after work which was 1.5 hours away. I said go on ahead without me and I'll meet them next day. When I got home from work that night my phone bleeped with messages from my grandchildren saying I'd let them down they were so looking forward and that I'd started a row....with whom I didn't know but assumed it was with father who too didn't want the drive after a days work. I feel unfairly penalised as now they don't talk to me.

Sounds like a typical 14 year old, self centred and making a bid for freedom whilst parents are away! If you're in charge then surely your rules apply? This is what our D & SIL says when we're left in charge. I also insist on having a letter giving us temporary 'guardianship' if they are going out of the country just in case there is a medical emergency and decisions have to be made. If your DD doesn't support you then maybe it's time for them to make alternative arrangements. Methinks you hold the best hand of cards :-)

Your daughter is in the wrong here. She should be telling her children that they are subject to your rules while you are looking after them. For your daughter to have a go at you about this is completely unacceptable. I wouldn't stop looking after them just ask your daughter to make it clear that when they are away the grandchildren live by your rules. It's the only way it can work if you are going to keep them safe.

Agree she (GD) was trying it on, pushung the boundaries, seeing how far she could go, whichever expression you prefer! Agree with HM 999 having neen a teacher at that age they do try to see qhat they sn get away with. If Id been the OP I would have put my foot down at just that point and expected DD to back me up! Show her this thread if necessary!

I just wonder about the DD, does she not realise that all teenagers play the cards-"you really showed me up in front of my friends"
"everyone else is going/has one"
"Dad/mum/gran/anyone else would let me/buy it for me."
You have to take a stand

Well said trisher.
She certainly has her mother wrapped around her little finger to the extent that the OP's DD does not respect or recognise her mother's anxieties and her good nature in caring for these grandchildren.

Oh this 14 year old is doing very well isn't she. She runs her own social life, chopping and changing when she wants and she has a range of adults who act as chauffeurs when she needs them. She has also now managed to set her DG and her DM against each other. Someone needs to take her in hand and set some boundaries otherwise she will get a rude awakening when she goes out into the real world and can't have everything her own way.

Willa I agree with Nora and * Bluebell* . My 13 year old GS has lived with me from birth. I see him off to school each day, previously doing the school run before he was old enough to cycle there and have always volunteered at school since retiring. He needs lifts to rugby training and early Sunday matches. Lifts to and from friends homes with no set schedule, but he is polite and considerate in so many ways that I really don't mind.
I'm pleased that he's popular and I'm happy to be chauffeur.
I would have let your GD come home with the other parent at a later time as that's what her parents normally allow and independance is to be encouraged. I don't think you did anything wrong, it's crossed wires, but an overreaction on your daughters part. A light hearted discussion about future rules is all that's needed.

As long as mother doesn't come back and start saying 'why did you let her do that'?

I think some rules and boundaries are called for, along with a list of DGD's friends and their phone numbers.
Being responsible for your own child is one thing but being responsible for someone else's, even a DGC, is quite another.

If it is a regular occurrence and not just a once or twice a year occurrence I think they should look for alternative arrangements.

She's clearly trying it on. Assert. Try having 30 of them in a class, and having to get them through an exam! Tell her no. She either toes the line, or she doesn't come again, and she explains to parents why. HOWEVER if she gets away with this at home, you have real problems. Ask her brother if she does.

Haha Norah I agree Aren't teenagers always taxing I was a very good kid I don't remember ever giving my parents trouble but I do remember climbing out of a window to go and meet a boy I d been advise not to see I wouldn't have been more than 15

Tiffany the original poster has said her daughter and son in law travel for work not necessarily 'jollies' as you put it and even if it was where's the harm in once in a while giving the parents some 'them' time and getting some 'grandkids time' to boot

If the girl is trustworthy and the mother says it's ok I don't see a problem I really don't Mainly I think it's come as a surprise and that is the Mums fault for not letting the Nan know the arrangements she's happy with

I would probably do what I was asked, I don't like confrontations.

Just curiosity, why does a schedule change matter? Our GC change our schedule often.

They all sound like an ungrateful lot to me. What a nerve to expect you to look after THEIR children while they go off on their jollies. Book a cruise next time they ask. Be unavailable. You've done your share of child rearing - time to be a bit selfish!

Thank you all for being so supportive! It means a lot to have like minded peers who understand and can jump in immediately to help! I'll begin by clarifying that my adult children travel often but it is also for work, not just for pleasure. My daughter also faced a serious health issue several years ago and we 'babysat' a lot. They do take family vacations with the twins. They left us a refrigerator full of food and a credit card to use for eating out, shopping for more food, buying gas or petrol (as you call it in the UK), as well as other incidentals. The school they attend does not provide transportation. It isn't that it's terribly far, it's that the roads are very busy and dangerous. This March the weather has also been extremely inclement.

We have always enjoyed spending time with our GC and this is a new problem. A few of your posts honed in on the core issue which is how to modify GDs behavior (on our watch) without damaging my relationship with my daughter. That is the challenge that I am grappling with.

It seems your GD was acting quite normally, but she should have been more considerate to you. She probably changes plans frequently but her parents can cope with it. It's different for grandparents. You just want to have her home and safe. i would tell your daughter it's getting too much for you, and they should take their children on holiday as meandashy says.

Once the heat has died down, time for a family meeting? Not to shame anyone, but to get each person in the family a chance to tell their story, to be heard without interruption, and for a family resolution?
However, the parents should bear in mind that 14 year olds will be 14 year olds. Close to the average age these days to start being sexually active. Way too much responsibility for a grandparent to have to handle, IMHO.
If it were me, if asked again, I would ask for a family meeting where the rules are set out. Or only mind the grandson. The girl could stay with friends. Or I wouldn't do it. It didn't work for the granddaughter, the mother or for you. End of story.

I agree with that bags and meandashy.
Your GD should have been on holiday with her parents.

I wonder what tale she spun to her parents about you.
Stay out of it you don't deserve the hassle of the 14's who think they know it all.

Kim19, I'm an estranged parent. I've also run groups for estranged and non estranged parents. Plus I've done years of research on the issue.
I'm currently at the stage of trying to understand which is the lesser of two evils. Being estranged but also being free of all the problems many non estranged parents now have.
I know I'm not alone in this thinking. Originally we all used to think that being cut off was a fate worse than death. But I do a job working with women and I'm now convinced that I'm the lucky one.
Time and time again I hear tales of women who have retired but are threatened by their AC if they don't automatically jump through any hoop that's placed in front them. This can be from childminding to paying off loans to moving back into the parents home after a relationship falls over.
Whichever way we look at it, the problem is mostly the attitude of this 30 something generation who treat their parents with such little respect that it's never going to be easy to please them.
This ingrained pattern of behaviour stems directly from the misplaced guidance of the 1989 Children's Act which made parents subservient and put children in charge.
We are now reaping the consequences.
Truly, faced with such a choice, I think most parents our age today are not in a great position either way, estranged or not. The demands and expectations on them are unreal.
I agree, I think both the daughter and the grandaughter were wrong and treated the grandmother badly. Again, the expectation is do as I say or else. No winners at all because they expect life to be all about them and meeting their needs over anyone else's.

An apology from GD would be a start and from DD once she's back home. I would think twice before you look after DG again. Plan a holiday for when you know your DDs going to be away again. Put your foot down, stamp it- hard.

Your DD & SIL should be telling your DGD to be respectful of what you say and want, whilst their DCS are in your care. Aren't they very lucky to have you.

I agree with others that your DD and SIL are being unreasonable. They should have backed you up. The demands they are placing on you are very high. IMO, it's time to sit down with them and explain that this is more of a challenge than when the twins were little and that, should you continue to do it, you have to be able to make some rules and decisions that work for you whilst they are in your care. Also, do you really want to spend this much time caring for teenagers? If not, consider pulling back. At the very least, hint to your DD and SIL that you may not be 'able' (prepared) to provide this service much more. That should scare them into showing more respect for you.

Personally, I wouldn't be prepared to devote so much of my hard earned retirement to that. They are very fortunate that you are/have been and they should show you some appreciation.

Whilst I agree with pretty much all the support for OP here I was wondering how everyone ties it in with yesterday's heartache posts of families who have irreversibly fallen out with each other and no longer have any contact? I'm prompted by 'walking on eggshells' and 'zipping the lip' etc referrals. I realise the 'child' in question is a teenager. On consideration of awful consequences, would we all still recommend adversarial response no matter how seemingly justified?

We have just done similar duties at our DD's for DGDs 15 & 16 and DGS 12 plus dog. Yes there is a lot of taxiing but our DD had done her best to keep it to a minimum and told her teenagers they needed to curtail their social lives for the period their parents were away. The grandchildren didn't seem resentful. Your
DD should have done the same if she knows what's good for her and wants to be able to go away again. What did our generation do wrong? Our parents would never have done such things for us and they were much younger when our kids were teenagers.

Teddy123 says it all, teenage girls can be very manipulative and your DD should absolutely have backed you up Willa45 , you were doing her a favour by looking after the twins, don't agree to it next time she asks.