Son

TrishaJ I apologise that my original comment unfortunately detracted the thread from your genuine request for constructive help and advice.

As your son has been willing to let you look after your GC for quite a long time then it does seem that the move has triggered whatever he is feeling now. His comments seem oddly extreme within the context of babysitting and holidays together! If you look back over that time with real honesty, I wonder if you can identify unspoken tensions, irritations, walking on eggshells type stuff that was maybe ignored, swept aside, swept under the carpet, but which have come to the fore in his mind due to this move.

|The other possibility is that all of his comments were made in real anger that you had moved away and were irrational but now said, have to be dealt with

As you are afraid of more abuse. I would write/email very unemotionally saying that you are unclear what he means but are happy to listen and discuss; that , even if you have made mistakes from his perspective, you love them all very much and would hope that any problems can be sorted; that you hope that very soon you can all enjoy the pleasures of Devon together as a family. Tell him that you really hope to hear from him very soon to arrange to meet and discuss the issues, repeat that you are happy to listen and try to understand.

If and when you do meet, I would let him say all he wants to say without interruption (otherwise it is more likely to just turn into an argument). When he has finished, you either reply to the points with your own perspective or if unable to do that you tell him you need time to think over his points and would like to chat again ...and arrange another time when he listens to you without interruption

This all sounds pretty convoluted but might help to take some of the emotion out and get to the root of the issues as he perceives them.

This is hard and sad for you and I hope that you can get it sorted

Anya Good heavens you clearly see everything, including my posts and your own, in a very "different way" to me and perhaps other posters. I note Jayannas comment and read between the lines as I am pretty new to Gransnet.

I do not think your original post "cut through the emotions and flack"; nor do I think it even vaguely got to the "root of the problem"!! I think it was an irrelevant point probably made to create exactly what has happened by me responding to it!!!

However I am not willing to turn this thread into an ego fest of one-upmanship between us as that is not helpful to anyone, least of all the OP.

If it satisfies you to reply and "have the last word" in whatever tone you choose then so be it

Well, you obviously have a death wish There are places lots of posters fear to tread!

Er what issues?

Anya, I agree with your original post. However.........................your last post is a bit naughty.

If you call cutting through all the flack and emotions to get at the root of a problem 'obtuse' Madgran no wonder you have issues yourself. It doesn't solve a problem if everyone jumps in with hugs and encourages the person with the problem to see themseives as a victim.

Indeed that only makes the situation worse more often than not.

However you have tried to deflect the attention away from the OP and her problem and onto yourself. So it's a good idea if you do leave this thread and find one where you can get the attention you obviously crave..

Anya is accurate in what she said, but there is a big difference between a physical separation that reduces contact and having the contact completely severed as a result of the son's reactions when he is told about the move.

Anya'...obtuse again. Yes the OP said that but your comment about " knew you'd see less of them" wasn't relevant or helpful. I'm not joining in with any further "debate" in obtuseness ...its not helpful to the OP or anyone else. You know exactly what you are doing...

How do you get on with your daughter-in-law? Could you contact her and ask her why he is so angry about your move to Devon? (Although I agree it looks like selfishness on the surface.)

[sic]

Let me quote from the OP

our son as fallen out with me because I have moved away to retire to Devon

Well Madgran I think it's quite obvious why.

You tend to see less of your DGCs when they get older anyway so why put your life on hold? They don't stay young for ever.

We have seven DGCs (three different families.) The eldest two are at uni, the next two are at sixth form but have holiday jobs so when their parents go away they stay at home, the fifteen year old is about to take GCSEs and studying hard so they'll be staying at home over Easter. We'll see the youngest two at the end of the month at a family get-together and it's just dawned on me that it's nearly a year since we last saw them.

I did my lengthy stint of child minding years ago - wearing grooves in various motorways up and down the country.

Don't feel guilty about your move. Enjoy yourselves.

Anya ..what on earth ..this is not about seeing less of them, this is about a son CO from his parents and they seem not to know why!! For goodness sake!

TrishaJ, the only person that can help you with this is your son. He needs to tell you why he feels as he does. Don't give up on him..even though he has given up on you in the midst of his childish tantrum..it needs to be sorted and I hope he sees the error of his ways, eventually. Good luck....let us know how it goes...its heartbreaking.

I agree with Anya

How old are the children now?

So?

Anya, you dont change do you?

*TrishJ, I am going to get deeply psychological here. I am not inquiring for any information about your marriage breakdown. It is none of my business, but many children feel very afraid when a marriage breaks up and often feel that it was their fault, especially if they are an only child and have no sibling to share with. Were you a single mother for a time so that your current DH seemed an intruder in your life, taking you away from concentrating only on him.

Could your son's reaction be a sudden recrudescence of those feelings of insecurity? A feeling that first his father left him and now his mother is going away - and with the man who replaced his father? He actually may not be aware that this is the source of his deep upset. He may have just found himself being overwhelmed by feelings of grief, distress and abandonment at your decision to move away from him, hence the cause of his rage and the content of the abusive language he has used to you.

What can you do? I wish I knew, but others may. Keeping in contact by post rather than email or texts, even if he replies electronically there will have to be some gap between reading your letter and replying and keep the contact up, without mentioning the disagreements, for years if necessary.

What a big baby he is. Let him stew in his own juice and get on with enjoying your life. As for missing him and the grandchildren, you did know when you took the decision to move that you would see a lot less of them anyway.

I think I would write a letter telling him how much you miss him and love him and the grandchildren. Ask him to tell you what it is you have done to upset him. Sometimes putting something in a letter, rather than a text or email, helps to make things clearer and gives the receiver a chance to think about their reply.

Trish hope offer of a break away works and everything gets resolved ?

invite them for a holiday over Easter and tell him you'd like to spend some time with him to sort out the issues.Getting him to somewhere neutral might help

Trish How awful. send a card with your address then let him calm down.

So sorry about this, Trisha! (((Hugs)))

Vampirequeen may be right - Ds (dear son) may simply be angry that you took free childcare away. Or are the kids beyond the age where that's needed?

It also could be, sad to say, that he's first telling you and dh things that he felt he couldn't when you lived nearby and he and dil depended on you for babysitting. I'm deeply sorry that his words are so abusive. But is there a message behind them? What is he telling you about how he sees you and dh? What has he said about why he doesn't like dh or why he thinks you're have been a terrible mother?" What behaviors did he complain about? You may feel he's looking at things all wrong, but somewhere in his ugly tests there has to be a key to his perspective.