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Son

(57 Posts)
TrishaJ Fri 31-Mar-17 19:21:35

My son as fallen out with me because I have moved away to retire to Devon he as said some really hurtful things to me and as also called my husband not his father who I have been with for 25years we always got on so well we have baby sat for years been away together all things family's do,he as now told me it was all a frase and never like my husband and I been a terrible mother.I am missing my son and my grandchildren.Why after all these years as this come about I can,t bring myself to contact him as I may get more verbal abuse.

vampirequeen Fri 31-Mar-17 22:59:45

'we have babysat for years'

I think that sums it up. How dare you have your own life? Your son is acting like a petulant child.

That said, you're missing him and the grandchildren so somehow you have to reopen contact. I can understand your fear of more rejection and abuse. Why not send him a text? Just say something like, 'Hello. How are you all? xxx'. It's a risk he may not reply or may reply with more sulky abuse but on the other hand he might say, 'Hello. We're fine. How are you?'.

TrishaJ Fri 31-Mar-17 23:29:42

I have sent him a text and got back 246 text message back between us telling me only to contact him again when I understand what he is saying and to tell the truth the truth about what I do not know.

cornergran Fri 31-Mar-17 23:37:08

I am so sorry you are in this situation, Trisha, no advice other than stay strong. Had you talked to your son and family about the move? You don't say how far away you are but I hope with time bridges can be built and perhaps there can be visits. Is your daughter in law more understanding? I also hope your husband is supportive, it's hard moving to a new area so be kind to yourself. Wishing you good luck.

f77ms Sat 01-Apr-17 06:27:05

Do you understand what he is saying Trisha ? What does he mean by this ? I think my family would be upset if I moved away but would not tell me not to contact them again ! What was the relationship like before and did you discuss your plans about moving with your family ? I know we are all free to do what ever we like but it can impact our family , especially if we have been close to up sticks and move away from them . Your son is upset that you don`t understand why he feels the way he does , you all need to have a discussion and listen to each others point of view or just get on with your new life without your family in it .

vampirequeen Sat 01-Apr-17 09:32:28

I'm sorry the text didn't get a positive result but at least you know where you stand.

Ask him to explain again what he is saying. Still sounds like a petulant child sulking cos you took is free childcare away.

RedheadedMommy Sat 01-Apr-17 11:41:25

You can't be that bad if he left his children with you for years on end!

He sounds angry that you have the nerve to move to a beautiful place and not be able to baby sit anymore.

Starlady Sat 01-Apr-17 11:44:40

So sorry about this, Trisha! (((Hugs)))

Vampirequeen may be right - Ds (dear son) may simply be angry that you took free childcare away. Or are the kids beyond the age where that's needed?

It also could be, sad to say, that he's first telling you and dh things that he felt he couldn't when you lived nearby and he and dil depended on you for babysitting. I'm deeply sorry that his words are so abusive. But is there a message behind them? What is he telling you about how he sees you and dh? What has he said about why he doesn't like dh or why he thinks you're have been a terrible mother?" What behaviors did he complain about? You may feel he's looking at things all wrong, but somewhere in his ugly tests there has to be a key to his perspective.

grannypiper Sat 01-Apr-17 18:07:26

Trish How awful. send a card with your address then let him calm down.flowers

paddyann Sat 01-Apr-17 18:14:50

invite them for a holiday over Easter and tell him you'd like to spend some time with him to sort out the issues.Getting him to somewhere neutral might help

hulahoop Sun 02-Apr-17 11:29:23

Trish hope offer of a break away works and everything gets resolved 💐

sunseeker Sun 02-Apr-17 11:34:46

I think I would write a letter telling him how much you miss him and love him and the grandchildren. Ask him to tell you what it is you have done to upset him. Sometimes putting something in a letter, rather than a text or email, helps to make things clearer and gives the receiver a chance to think about their reply.

Anya Sun 02-Apr-17 11:58:05

What a big baby he is. Let him stew in his own juice and get on with enjoying your life. As for missing him and the grandchildren, you did know when you took the decision to move that you would see a lot less of them anyway.

M0nica Sun 02-Apr-17 15:21:37

*TrishJ, I am going to get deeply psychological here. I am not inquiring for any information about your marriage breakdown. It is none of my business, but many children feel very afraid when a marriage breaks up and often feel that it was their fault, especially if they are an only child and have no sibling to share with. Were you a single mother for a time so that your current DH seemed an intruder in your life, taking you away from concentrating only on him.

Could your son's reaction be a sudden recrudescence of those feelings of insecurity? A feeling that first his father left him and now his mother is going away - and with the man who replaced his father? He actually may not be aware that this is the source of his deep upset. He may have just found himself being overwhelmed by feelings of grief, distress and abandonment at your decision to move away from him, hence the cause of his rage and the content of the abusive language he has used to you.

What can you do? I wish I knew, but others may. Keeping in contact by post rather than email or texts, even if he replies electronically there will have to be some gap between reading your letter and replying and keep the contact up, without mentioning the disagreements, for years if necessary.

jollyg Sun 02-Apr-17 16:06:31

Anya, you dont change do you?

Anya Sun 02-Apr-17 16:19:02

So?

merlotgran Sun 02-Apr-17 16:20:44

I agree with Anya

How old are the children now?

W11girl Sun 02-Apr-17 18:59:05

TrishaJ, the only person that can help you with this is your son. He needs to tell you why he feels as he does. Don't give up on him..even though he has given up on you in the midst of his childish tantrum..it needs to be sorted and I hope he sees the error of his ways, eventually. Good luck....let us know how it goes...its heartbreaking.

Madgran77 Sun 02-Apr-17 19:54:50

Anya ..what on earth ..this is not about seeing less of them, this is about a son CO from his parents and they seem not to know why!! For goodness sake!

merlotgran Sun 02-Apr-17 20:09:42

You tend to see less of your DGCs when they get older anyway so why put your life on hold? They don't stay young for ever.

We have seven DGCs (three different families.) The eldest two are at uni, the next two are at sixth form but have holiday jobs so when their parents go away they stay at home, the fifteen year old is about to take GCSEs and studying hard so they'll be staying at home over Easter. We'll see the youngest two at the end of the month at a family get-together and it's just dawned on me that it's nearly a year since we last saw them.

I did my lengthy stint of child minding years ago - wearing grooves in various motorways up and down the country.

Don't feel guilty about your move. Enjoy yourselves.

Anya Sun 02-Apr-17 20:23:15

Well Madgran I think it's quite obvious why.

Anya Sun 02-Apr-17 20:25:13

Let me quote from the OP

our son as fallen out with me because I have moved away to retire to Devon

Anya Sun 02-Apr-17 20:25:31

[sic]

Jinty44 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:25:41

How do you get on with your daughter-in-law? Could you contact her and ask her why he is so angry about your move to Devon? (Although I agree it looks like selfishness on the surface.)

Madgran77 Sun 02-Apr-17 20:59:22

Anya'...obtuse again. Yes the OP said that but your comment about " knew you'd see less of them" wasn't relevant or helpful. I'm not joining in with any further "debate" in obtuseness ...its not helpful to the OP or anyone else. You know exactly what you are doing...