What happens at grandma's stays at grandma's?

My daughter and I have a rule of Pick your battles. If it's not important let it be, if it is important mum needs to know.

I'm coming to this as a Mum and a teacher (sorry - I'm not a Gran!) but wondered if my input might be of interest.

I love that my Mum sneaks treats to my children occasionally; it's all part of them bonding and I remember things being different and fun and slightly anarchic with my GPs as a lovely part of my childhood.

What I would caution against however (with my teacher hat on!) is not to encourage children to keep secrets from their parents - even innocent, nice ones like extra TV or chocolate.

While I am not in ANY way suggesting that there is anything untoward about any of these little things, if a child is in a vulnerable position with a dubious adult, they often use the same language of "our little secret", "best not to mention this to Mummy"
etc - if they're used to this idea and language, it makes it much easier for a child to be groomed.

Sorry to be a bit serious on the thread, but after today's day in school, if more GPs could help look out for any signs of this nature, the world would be a safer place!

There are no secrets in our house . Our little ones live by our rules and their parents know what they are. And they're good with it.

In some areas , we're more strict, in some we're totally lax . Everyone's happy with it .

GS1 and I sometimes make jokes about not telling Mummy what we've been doing but basically she gets told everything. None of it is life changing stuff, it's just getting through the day without too many confrontations. (That's confrontations between me and GSs - DD and I have known each other for over 40 years and don't do confrontation)

Your point has been made before Edith Crawley and I think we are all of us aware of the hidden dangers, but this was intended as a lighthearted thread so let's not overthink it.

The thing I find interesting about this idea of 'my house, my rules' 'granny's little secret' etc and then the idea of 'if you don't like it don't leave the kids with me'. Is the multitude of threads where adult children have taken the GP at their word to then be portrayed as the bad guys.

Hellomonty makes one wonder, doesn't it?

I don't cross my daughters, their rules matter to me. I'm done raising children. My GC are other peoples children - I do what their parents ask.

To each their own.

MawBroon - apologies for repeating a point - I wasn't aware that I had.

If my post (or indeed any similar one!) helps a child though, I can't apologise for the content, lighthearted or not.

If every GP (and parent!) was aware of hidden dangers, then I would attend far fewer child protection meetings!

Apologies edithcrawley I didn't mean to bite your head off!
I just despair sometimes at the age we live in where so much is suspect, motives are scrutinised, grandparents tread on eggshells, young parents can threaten to deny contact etc etc etc.
I recognise that I am lucky that we have never been in that position and pray it continues so.

Not a worry MawBroon - I hope it continues for you too.

The one thing about posting anything on the internet is your audience is very diverse. Something that might seem lighthearted to you and your friends can be a huge trigger for someone who has had different experiences in life, or might incur a welfare-professional sounding response from someone with social work training etc etc. Once we post, we have to expect unexpected responses and take them in our stride

Recently my son son called me to ask " mom, are you feeding my kids when your watching them?" I reply with a yes? My husband & I watch my son's five kids every weekend (something we began with the first child). I don't want to hear or see that the kids aren't eating. But in our defense (my husband & I) the kids get full on snacks (they thrive on) that my husband gived them so by the time a meal comes they don't eat. Then they go home & I think they get questioned. Ages are 7,5,5,3,2. Help! We keep getting scruttinized but the other grandparents never watch the kids, why are we so bad?

Bit cheeky I think, to ask that blondie!!

It depends what the snacks are. If it is fresh fruit , carrot sticks , dried fruit etc all well and good. If it is crisps, sweets and other 'junk' food that is not great.

When our baby GD, who is beginning to talk, came to us the other day, she said to her mum. "Walk, walk!" She led to my DIL to the kitchen and said "Choc, choc". My DL said, "But you don't get chocolate." So DGD opened a cupboard and pointed to my stash of choccie biscuits.
I had some explaining to do! .
I have to add, that her snacks at our house are healthy ones. Usually lots of fruit, which she loves. It's great rasps and strawberries are so cheap at the moment.
However, I don't think there is anything wrong with a small treat now and again.

When our baby GD, who is beginning to talk, came to us the other day, she said to her mum. "Walk, walk!" She led to my DIL to the kitchen and said "Choc, choc". My DL said, "But you don't get chocolate." So DGD opened a cupboard and pointed to my stash of choccie biscuits.
I had some explaining to do! .
I have to add, that her snacks at our house are healthy ones. Usually lots of fruit, which she loves. It's great rasps and strawberries are so cheap at the moment.
However, I don't think there is anything wrong with a small treat now and again.

Nor do I. If my very active, not-fussy-eater GDs eat up their home-cooked healthy meals at my house, I have no problem with handing over a bun or some milky bar buttons. I always clean their teeth afterwards too even though fruit can be just as damaging.
Snitchy-bottom 3 yr old didn't miss the chance to tell her mother after "words" that Grandma loves her more because she gives her sweets and cake!

It's difficult with a really fussy eater, my GS is a nightmare but looks really healthy. When he has refused food and later says he's hungry he gets fruit ( he is 4 ) Treats are strictly rationed. Unless Granny is bsitting

Good god don't people on this thread realise the danger in teaching children that it's okay when grown-ups tell them not to tell other grown-ups things

Sure it might just be ice-cream to you, but what about when a less well meaning comes along and tells them to keep it "our little secret"

Or even just bullies or peer pressure

Kids should learn that secrets hurt people and "good adults" don't ask children to keep their secrets.

We have argued this one through already, chase up the thread and find this part of the discussion. Most children know the difference between a giggling conspiracy between a child and a much loved adult where both are complicit at the same level and when a person, including a much loved one, imposes secrecy upon them under fear or threat or secrecy about something the child is not comfortable about and most children learn or are taught this at a very young age.

Like others on here, I am happy to suggest a jokey "don't tell Mummy" secret to my young DGCs (4 & nearly 6) after allowing them an extra treat, knowing full well that it will be the first thing that they tell her when she gets home.

Now that they are getting older, I am starting to raise the issue of "good" versus "bad" secrets with them. Only last week, I saw a list of names that the eldest had written. When I asked him about it he said that they were his gang, but that it was secret. I smiled, and said that it was sometimes nice to have secrets, but I used the opportunity to differentiate between nice secrets (those that are "fun", and don't hurt anyone, as opposed to those that are about something bad, something that might be upsetting/hurting him or someone else), and said that he should always tell Mummy or Daddy - or any othergrown-up he trusts - if someone asks him to to keep a bad thing secret. The average child is not stupid, and at his age can understand the difference between these two types of secret.

I suspect from some of the other replies that I will be bombarded with replies saying that secrets are secrets, and they are all bad, but I disagree.
The way I see it, we are better preparing them for life with this approach than we would by teaching them that all secrets are bad.

I agree Notanan, Ido not wish my GC to keep secret from their mums. Much abuse begins thusly.

Norah and notanan, As I understand it you believe that, when my DGD during a half term solo stay with us, made an apron for her mother's birthday, which was a month away, and we agreed to keep it a secret because she wanted her mother to have the surprise on The Day, and not earlier, we were by keeping this secret putting her in danger of child abuse.

But MOnica, I think there's a difference between keeping a gift or surprise a secret and keeping quiet about broken rules. And I think kids can see the difference very easily.

What would worry me, ladies, about slipping a child a treat they're not allowed to have is that the parents might get angry if they find out. And yes, once the child can talk, they will! If it happens more than once, it could lead to the parents saying, "No more babysitting!"

I'm fortunate in that my dd and sil feel I can give my gc whatever snacks I want at my house, as long as I don't go overboard (and I don't). But some parents are more rigid than that. I guess one has to know the parents' pov and act accordingly.

Starlady, actually I wouldn't be too sure that young children can understand these distinctions instinctively. I think it's really a good idea for the adult suggesting the "don't tell" to ensure at the time the child knows why this secret is a nice one, and not the same as bad secrets. Just a little comment like "this is a nice fun secret that will make mummy happy, we don't keep secrets about bad things, do we?" That one is relevant to tbe birthday surprise, the comment revelevant to the extra chocolate would be along the lines of "This is just a pretend secret for fun, it doesn't really matter if you tell mummy anyway. We'd never have a real secret about something she'd be really worried about"