What happens at grandma's stays at grandma's?

I entirely ‘get’ what you are saying Jess and I’ve no time for grandparents who disregard the parents wishes. Having said that some parents are anal.

Ye, the odd treat is acceptable, but the example you describe is OTT and it also depends how often these people have your toddler in their care. Once in a blue moon won’t harm, but if it’s a regular thing then you need to put your foot down.

I don’t actually understand the mentality of some grandparents. My co-grandparents are just the same. Give them access to their grandchildren and they see it as an opportunity to stuff them full of sugar and carbs. Why? Probably because it’s the easy way to ‘spoil’ them. Not enough imagination to find other ways of making a visit to grandma a special event.

Suggestions you ask? Sit them down and calmly explain your point. Don’t rule out the odd ‘treat’ but get the point across that it means ‘occasional’ and probably ‘small’.

I’m guessing you’re in the US. I think there’s a big campaign over there too against obesity. Use that as your starting poin. Get them on board.

I'' really struggling with this. I am the mom, and my sone is one and a half. His grandparents already use this phrase to excuse giving kids mac and cheese, gum balls, and ice cream for dinner, and such like that. (Actual example.) I try to avoid high fructose corn syrup and artificial dyes. I'm not strict (baby had donut holes this morning!!!) but trying to teach real food is yummy.

I plan to never leave them with my son, as some of the threads mentioned, but would prefer they just try to follow our lead a little. Any suggestions? I realize this is NOT a popular opinion. But my kid- wherever he is.

FullH3art I agree. I will not ever go against what my GC and GGC parents ask me to do. No secret biscuits, puds, fizzy drinks, or anything. I have no desire to make small children "like" me by colouring out of the lines.

I think I'm really lucky because my daughters don't generally have any problem with how I care for my grandchildren.

I told them about some of these posts and they said ' we trust you Mum to make the right choices for the children, after all , you didn't do a bad job with us ' .

So there's no point scoring ( although I'm at a loss to understand how that works) , we're all adults , all with one end game - the children.

I can't think of an easier way to destroy a relationship than undermining someone else's parenting like that. And for what reason? I asked my nephew if he wanted a cookie before dinner one day and he said he had to ask his mom. I told him it could just be our secret, not thinking anything of it. Then he told his mom, my SIL, and she told me that they don't keep secrets, especially at that age. Because if there's a dangerous secret (i.e. abuse going on), she wants him to tell her about it. I was moritified and 100% supported her (and I would have even if I had disagreed).
I don't get why you can't just follow the rules? Why do you think you are above them? It seems selfish to me to know your child would have a problem with something and do it anyway just to score brownie points.

maw

Me to 3yr old DGS
'shh let's not tell mummy that we have made her a yummy birthday cake. It will be a lovely surprise for tomorrow'

DGS puts finger on lips
'OK Gran' he chuckles

Mummy arrives
DGS jumps up & down
'I put chocolate buttons on your birthday cake!'

Apologies for the typos Norah my point was that
1) this is a lighthearted OP
2) the cartoon shows quite clearly that Mum bird knows what the baby birds eat at Grandma's
3) Mum reserves the "right " to feed the baby birds as she chooses, but presumably they have chorused "oh but we get ..... at grandma's"
End of.
Is it really necessary to unpick a simple cartoon for those whose SOH seems to have gone AWOL?
Secrets from adults?
Nope
Breaking mum's healthy eating rules?
Nope, Not in secret anyway
I too found your comment "if people are not lock step with you" obscure, and "thusly" is not a word
"Preachy" or over reacting certainly describes some of the reactions occasioned by this harmless cartoon IngeJones but there has also been implicit and explicit criticism of how grannies treat their children when they are in charge.
(I don't get what you are saying anyway. )
FFS it was a JOKE
As I said, take your outrage to somewhere like MN where you no doubt have many kindred spirits but if you are representative of Mum's who do not trust grandparents, I am surprised so many of you rely on us for childcare
The fact that it is free wouldn't have anything to do with it!?

Oh, I see. is should be if

Sorry, it was just the English that was confusing.

This is what I was answering "Oh dear -Norah younreally don't get itbdo you?"

Yes, I get it. I just disagree with MawBroon, not hard to understand, just disagree.

Norah, sorry but could you re-phrase that please? - I'm not clear what you're saying..

Of course I get it MawBroon you disagree is people are not lock step with you. So?

I agree with IngeJones Plus, wouldn't it make for a really boring thread if everybody just agreed with each other.
One of the reasons I enjoy these forums is because sometimes someone will post something that makes me think "oh! I hadn't thought about it that way"

MawBroon anything that is posted on a diverse public forum will get diverse thoughts. We have to respect each other's different ways of thinking about things. Some people have a naturally preachy tone (I may be one of them) and that is just part of the differences that make us part of the general public. Obviously no one is asking you to make preachy people part of your inner friendship circle if you don't like them If you're trying to make everyone post in a particular tone or level, you're on a frustrating losing wicket !

I am sorry, but this is a classic case of not seeing the wood for the trees.

Totally agree Maw

Go back to the cartoon (know what those are?) in my original post, do your best to understand it, and do, please do lighten up

Oh dear -Norah younreally don't get itbdo you? Are you like this with your own grandchildren? We are not talking about "secrets" from parents in the suspicious way you seem to interpret the word. You are totally overthinking and overreacting. You have just extrapolated from an innocent and lighthearted post, well fine , scare yourself with your bogeymen. But don't preach to the rest as if they don't know how many beans make five, and save your scare stories. As I said, many of us have considerable experience of safeguarding issues and can tell the difference.
This earnest, literal, humourless and stifling political correctness denies the common sense and experience that most of us grans can attest to.
Can you? I doubt it.

I disagree, I find it a very small step to keeping secrets that shouldn't be kept. What is the purpose of keeping chocolate buttons from parents, if you are indeed allowed to indulge GC with choco? I just won't keep secrets or break rules. Not worth it.

quite

Exactly

Don't you just love the way a simple thread about chocolate buttons on a trip to the playground or a minimilk ice lolly in the garden gets overthought to the point of "abuse"?
Your "good god" outburst notanan and its echo in "much abuse begins thusly "(sic) Norah are profoundly insulting and really belong to the teaching Granny to suck eggs school of relationships.
We did NOT come down in the last shower, many of us are/were social workers or teachers with(believe it or not) considerable experience of safeguarding issues AND as loving and experienced parents and grandparents actually have our little ones' best interests at heart.
So please park your PC outrage elsewhere (maybe Mumsnet?) and stop undermining the rest of us.

My DDs know that their children get little treats when they are with us - it is part of the way of the world at Grandma's. It is all out in the open - e.g. my DGS is allowed a piece of chocolate if he eats his dinner and his fruit. Mum knows this and has no problem with it.

The main treat at our place is undivided attention which they cannot have very much with their working parents, however much they might wish to do this. It is our treat too!

Well, I would never do anything with my DGC that their parents had strong objections to and, as far as far I am concerned any grandparent that did, is way over the dangerous secrecy boundary.

I am talking about the little secrets and conspiracies, which is what makes up the vast majority of grandparent/grandchild secrets. DGD helping to put cherries on the cake, and popping an extra one in her mouth, or the one described in my previous email, staying up a bit later than normal to watch a DVD, when with us, things that, actually do not matter a toss if parents know, and lets face it they usually leak out anyway.

I do think children quickly learn the difference between, what I describe as complicit secrets about trivia and ones where there is fear of either the person insisting on secrecy or fear of how the person who mustn't be told will react if they do find out.

Good heavens, children love secrets, it is in much of their play. When DGC visit, secrets abound. DS looking for his socks and DGS whispering in my ear that he left them under the table and he mustn't be told, because of the fun of watching the search. Another secret, DGD tells me that DGS is making a card for grandpa, but he mustn't know until its finished. There is an enormous gulf between these sort of trivial confidences and serious dangerous secrets.

The vast majority of grandparents are well aware of the difference and do not need to be told.