feeling lonely and isolated as paternal grandmother

You are NOT a less significant grandparent! I do know how that feels, though.I have to confess that I - as the maternal grandparent - did feel strongly for the first 3 years of my only grandchild's life that there was a takeover bid going on by the paternal grandparents, who live near to my daughter and her husband and who are able to baby sit and easily have GC for weekends etc.It hurt. However, now GC is of school age - and can remember (when we speak on the phone every week for a proper 'catch-up') all the happy times we DO have together when this is possible -things are getting much better.

My own paternal grandparents lived almost 300 miles away and we saw them less frequently. But they were just as important to me and I loved them just as much. I am quite sure you are loved just as much, too.

You were so brave to go May1. I didn't go to my gd's first communion last year but felt afterwards, when I saw the photos, that I had made a mistake. Every one of of my dil's relatives were there, and it was obviously a huge occasion for them. To be honest the sight of my gd dressed up as a bride made me feel a bit sick. I now have to decide whether to go to my gs's first communion next year. Perhaps as I didn't go to his sister's I shouldn't go to his.

Can you not have a word with your son and ask him if you were wrong to attend as it isn't your religion? Hopefully he will pick up on the fact that you felt left out and can put your mind at rest.

I'm sure as your gs gets older he will appreciate the fact that you are completely separate from the religious part of his upbringing and turn to you for advice and a different viewpoint, which is never a bad thing!

Firstly for all their religion they did not seem Christian, you can't change the connection the maternal grandparents have with your grandson but you can make connections of your own, find out what other interests he has and make a point of talking to him about them (I know this could be a bit boring for you but worth it), maybe buy relevant books, comics or DVD's he likes. When my grandchildren come to me I always have thier favorite food sweets TV programmes ready to make them feel special. You can make your own connections that could last a life time.

Perhaps they didn't have another 'do' when they got home, perhaps they sat down with their feet up and let the younger people get on with what they wanted to do.

May1Its hard to be alone at family events. Have your relationship with your grandchildren and they will be in your lives always. It's hard sometimes because the Jewish religion doesn't have the fun Christmas and Easter and except for Purium the holidays are about surviving persecution or a new year. It's definitely the Catholic religion that's being pushed onto the children. How does your son feel about his children knowing about Judaism?
If you are so inclined I suggest inviting your son and his family and your DIL's parents over for a barbecue on maybe the Fourth of July or Labor Day or any of the non religious holidays. Not only may it bring you closer to your DIL but also it shows your grandchildren that everyone can get along.
It's worth a try at least once.

I'm surprised the maternal GPs didn't invite you to the extended get together afterwards. But at least you were at the event and lunch. Enjoy other special times with your grandchild and refuse to feel left out...just make your times with him different!

I feel sad for you after reading this. I try and stay out of religious and political things as we see only too well in the world today what anguish and heartbreak these topics can cause. However I can imagine what this has done to you. People can be spiritual in their beliefs without having to follow a set religion. I admire you for attending this probably knowing deep down the reaction. As the children grow older they may draw their own conclusions and decide on a different way. It does not seem very Christian to have made you feel excluded like this and almost unwelcome. I would probably feel like you do too. You have my sympathy and admiration in equal amounts.

Religious bigotry is the root cause of most of the worlds problems and applies to every religion you care to mention. It's based on stupidity, ignorance and hypocrisy and it's in every walk of life, family, friends, politics, you name it. You don't ignore it, and you don't go along with it either. You make your feeling known in no uncertain terms and don't be afraid of upsetting them 'cos they ain't concerned about you are they.

I have two sons but the younger one is the one with four children and I see them on a weekly basis. I think the best advice that I can give is to try and build a more personal relationship with your grandchildren regardless of what religious faith they are. Just have fun with them and forget all about religious issues. Nothing beats a hug and kiss and playing games with them. All religions welcome strong family bonds and that's what's important. Put this event behind you and move on.

Oh May, I do feel for you. It seems astounding in this day and age that there are people around who are apparently antisemitic, for that is what seems to me to be happening here. Your son married their daughter so he is good enough for them, therefore so should you be. After all, you brought him up and he is what he is because of you.
I'm not sure that I'm qualified to give much advice, only my sympathy for a difficult situation. Please just keep being the loving grandparent that you are, the children need you and are entitled to a relationship with you.
Finally I would say that I don't think the other grandparents are behaving in a Christ like way. Christ said we should `Do unto others as you would have them do unto you ` and also `Love thy neighbour as you love thyself `, I don't think the other family are following the commands of Christ.
I send you and love.

This is the bad side of religion, isn't it? Some followers of some faiths believe that they are better than others - but don't behave in a very Christian fashion.
Then there are others who behave in an altruistic manner towards their fellow man and don't follow a formal religion but are looked down on by the others.
Not exactly 'inclusive' is it? I'm sure you are good as anyone else and I'm sorry that you've been made to feel like an outsider. Just hold your head high and continue to be nice to them, even if they don't deserve it.

from gransnetters, not for

Just a few points which came to me when I read your post may. When my grandson's 'other' grandfather is around my grandchildren barely note my presence unless reminded to. He is such a fun character I could never compete for their attention and nor do I want to as I know the children very well and I know they love me.
Secondly, I was educated in a Catholic Convent where we said prayers 'for the sins of the Jews' on a regular basis. I was completely brainwashed, so much so that there was a Jewish school at the top of the hill we walked up from the Convent and I scanned the windows to see what these 'damned' kids looked like. I wondered why I never saw anyone come or go from the building and only since the Internet provided answers have I discovered that it was not only a school but a home for refugee German Jewish children and that they met with so much prejudice locally that they rarely ventured out. This was some five years after the end of the war. Perhaps the family that your son has married into is equally brainwashed and bigoted. I am not saying that this is Catholic teaching generally, just telling how it was for me.
Lastly I understand absolutely that you don't want to add stress to your son's life. That would be my reaction too.
I am sorry you are so hurt and hope that you have taken comfort for many of the gransnetters and that you are able to maintain a good relationship with your grandchildren.

Hi May1 , I do feel for you, how sad that some people hurt others with no thoughts to the consequences of their actions, my advice is keep a good relationship going with your GC they are the most important ones. Be happy

Im so sorry May1 that you were treated this way. I am a Catholic and their treatment of you was less than Christian and but probably just thoughtless. I hope you continue to be a loving caring grandmother and try not to let this colour your view, your grandchildren will remember kind words rather than doctrine so keep on being yourself. Good luck - you should just rise above it. X

You are not going to hell, nobody is. Don't let your heart be broken be glad you were there.
Well said radicalnan - try to see the cup half full rather than half empty.

What I've seen is that "offense" or "being offended" has become a huge problem which is destroying all forms of relationship. To me, it's the new "sin". Just don't speak about religion around them, focus on a loving and positive relationship between you and your GS ?

You were there, does anything else matter? You knew where and when and went. You were not alone there was a congregation with your family in it and in God's house which counts for something.

I am not a Christian but when I attend Christian functions I respect the thousands of people who have been in that same pace andd their prayers........I don't think it is up to humans to decide who goes where in the after life, but I am happy if it brings comfort to some people if they believe they can prempt a deities decisions. I let that wash over me, it's not as if the churches can agree on anything much.

If you were at the lunch then that was good too because you were there for your grand child to stand as a witness to a rite of passage for him.......send him a card to say how proud you were of him.

It is tough sometimes when we feel lonely, but that is life, did you shake hands and thank the priest after the service, did you tell people how wonderful it all was? We only suffer the defeats we will accept (bloody easier said than done) sometimes we take the loneliness in with us and hang on to it like a life jacket............

You are not going to hell, nobody is. Don't let your heart be broken be glad you were there. That sermon wasn't directed at you it was a bit of generic mumbo jumbo you heard what you heard because you were feeling low.

You have the support of dozens of grans here, we often have to go to things alone just because age robs us of partners and friends, there is no shame in that. Children don't stay young forever you know, 10 years from now he will be making up his own mind about things and you. Just keep being there.

Ah yogagirl. I am not cutting out. I don't like my MiL so I don't do anything with her. I leave her to my DH. Her son!
You should take note of Yogagirl op. A prime example of how not to behave and how not to be so entitled.

Your last post was very good Starlady
May your GC have a right to both religions, as they are part Jewish, but you may have to wait until they are older to teach them, they will want to know, only natural!

May Norah doesn't invite the 'other' grandparents to any of her parties, as her 4 adult daughters have 'cut out' their husbands parents, yes all 4!! So those poor children only know their maternal family and Norah as the only grandmother!

Ignore Bibbity May1 she is just as obnoxious on the estrangement page I'm on and is a d.i.l doing some 'cutting out' of her own. Yes it's your D.I.L, plain to see, just tread carefully so your not completely 'cut out' as I have been for 4.5yrs from my beloved D&GC

Meant to say, "I'm so sorry if that's true in your case."

Also, as some have said, you do seem to have a nice amount of time with the gc. And how nice that you and ds sometimes meet for coffee! Please don't aggravate over how much more time the mgps seem to get with the gc. It won't change anything. Please try just to enjoy the time you do have with them. Again, for your own peace of mind.

About driving alone - would you prefer if ds drove you? Or if one of the grands rode in your car? Or if other relatives from your foo were invited? What's the issue here?

About being alone at the sports games - I go to my gc's games to see them play. I don't always get much time with them or their parents. The kids are either playing the sport or hanging out with their friends, and the parents spend most of their time with other parents when they're not just watching and cheering. And I'm a mgm. Maybe it would help if you just go to watch and cheer them on, etc?

I know pgms sometimes get the short end of the stick and this may be true in your case. But it seems like it's a fairly good "short end." So please take some comfort in that. In later years, I bet the kids will have many fond memories of the movies and other activities that they shared with you.