feeling lonely and isolated as paternal grandmother

Well they are not very religious if they show no compassion for you on your own To exclude someone is the biggest form of bullying
I don't agree you are a less significant grandparent at all I would concentrate on your relationship with the little lad and try to forget those cruel people, religions can be so exclusive the exact opposite of what they should be but you are the bigger person for going outside your comfort zone to be with the little chap
I certainly wouldn't try talking religious views with anyone in that circle you will be the loser

Do you have contact with your grandkids outside religious ceremonies ? That's what I would build on You say none of the children looked at you how well do you know them? it sounds as if you are not included in their lives at all.
Can you build up your relationships with the children outside of special events .
How about a card to the boy saying how much you loved seeing him and how proud you are etc etc

May1 I am a bit puzzled. If your DGS is making his first communion, he must be at least 8 so you have had all those years with him already to establish a happy relationship, which incorporates you into the family.

I do agree if you are at an event celebrating a religious event in a religion you do not belong to it can at times feel isolating, but were you the only member of his family that your DS asked to the event? If so, are there no others?

When you have a relationship with your grandchildren where you feel an outsider, an event like this can feel exceptionally isolating and I can understand your distress, but whatever is not working well in your relationship with your DS and DGS has been going on for sometime and, if that is addressed, you will probably feel less isolated at future religious events.

I am a catholic, as I suspect your DiL is, my DH is not, and for us that never caused any barrier between our two families, who were all close. Religious differences may lead to rifts in a family, but more often it is a symptom and not a cause of family tensions.

I am so sorry. Christian Churches should be an outreach to all people, because that is what the Bible teaches us. Maybe you could send a little note and thank your GS for inviting you to such a precious special time in his walk of faith? Were gifts given? If so, did you know to bring a small token? If not, perhaps you could give him a token gift and spend a little bit of time asking him the significance of first Communion and his classes.

I don't know where this took place but I know in Ireland little gifts are not the order of the day and it seems at times to compete with a gypsy wedding and vast amounts of money being given out

Am I wrong in thinking the OP isn't from UK ?

May I was brought up in the catholic faith (I'll not call it a religion) and I completely understand where you are coming from. But I'm shocked that in the 21st century that this attitude 'the sermon made it clear who was going to hell' still persists among the uneducated priesthood and their followers,

Take heart that this is unacceptable and try not to feel so down. Events like this are indeed hard and, as others have said, this is not what religion ought to be about.

I'm not sure what your usual relationship is with your lovely grandson, but I hope you see him in a more normal, grandmotherly setting sometimes. Put this behind you (((hug)))

I can't offer insight as others can may , but please don't think of yourself as a less significant grandparent. You certainly are not. I am hoping you have a loving relationship with your grandchildren away from such events and send as many hugs as you need.

Blooming religion! - nowt but trouble!

I am not surprised that you felt isolated in such a ceremony. Please don't take that to heart.

Maybe you could concentrate on just enjoying your GC out of that context. Do you otherwise have a good relationship with them, or is there a bit of underlying tension?

I have often heard it said that the mother of boys feels more excluded as a grandparent. I cannot comment on that as I only have girls; but I am sure there are others here who might be of more help.

Please do not be sad. You attended a ceremony that does not relate to your beliefs and the stage was set for you to feel a bit sidelined and that is not your fault.

PS You are NOT going to hell!!

Do you mean you belong to a different denomination rather than a different religion? When you say the children didn't look at you could you be a little over-sensitive and perceive a hurt where one wasn't intended? Perhaps if most folk there were practising Catholics you just felt a little bit of an outsider but remember God is for everyone and loves us all equally. Try and put it behind you and have some other happy times with your family.x

Yes luckygirl & mumofmadboys are right, don't get this out of proportion, you are a loving grandparent and that is so valuable in any faith. Don't let this colour your relationship with your grandson, good luck .

I'd say that the little boy's parents and extended family might call themselves Christians but their attitude is anything but Christian. As BlueBelle said upthread, exclusion is a form of bullying. This has nothing whatsoever to do with you being a paternal grandparent. Where is your son in all of this?

I would try to build a relationship with your grandson outside religion. There is a lot more to life and concentrate on one of his other hobbies. Does he enjoy football (or any sport)? is he a great reader? Does he collect little figures? Does he enjoy finding out about Dinosaurs, Sharks.... Whatever. Maybe you could write him little letters and send him something small with a note saying "as soon as I saw this I thought of you etc. "

This depends how old he is of course but I am assuming as someone said he must be around 8.

I'm sorry that you feel like this May1. I was brought up a Catholic, I don't go to church very often these days. I'm surprised the sermon was so full of bile in this day and age, I thought that was a thing of the past. May I ask what denomination you are? Did this service take place in England? You say the other side of the family have made it clear what they think of non religious public schools, they sound very sectarian, that's why I'm wondering if you live somewhere where that state of mind still prevails. I am sorry that you feel so excluded the other side sound very unkind not to include you. Possibly your grandson was quite excited, if I cast my mind back to my own First Communion and Confirmation, I was more wrapped up in being gathered together with my friends and classmates and didn't pay much attention to my grandparents presence either. As a paternal grandparent though I do think it's more likely this side can be down the pecking order, but then again I don't mind as long as I see my grandchildren on a regular basis, I have no desire to do the whole parenting thing again.

Hell and damnation should not be on the agenda these days and I'm sorry to hear you felt like that May1.

Were you offering to pay for public school for your DGS and your DS and DIL prefer for him to go to a Catholic school? I'm not sure if you were invited to the maternal grandparents' house afterwards or not as that is not clear from your post, if not then that is quite hurtful, they should have included you.

However, I would be more worried about my DGS being 'indoctrinated' about non-believers going to hell than about my own feelings (as I think that is a load of tosh, sorry). We have Catholics in our family, I've been to Catholic services too and never heard anything like that these days, especially in front of young children

We are only hearing one side hear. The OP felt excluded and deliberately cut out at this event, but we do not know whether that was true or just her perception of what was happening. I still feel that there must already have been problems in this relationship for her to feel so excluded or to be so excluded.

My (pretty extensive) experience of catholic families and mixed marriages has been that while there are exceptions, these marriages are so common and most christian denominations get on so well that different beliefs on each side of the family cause no problems at all.

However religion is a soft target and it is easy to blame the religion and ignore what may ebe the main cause of the problem.

That's true M0nica, and no, I don't think it is the norm for paternal grandparents to be considered 'less significant'.
Yes, I think Catholic/non-Catholic marriages are quite common; howver is it still expected that the children will be brought up as Catholics.
In those instances I know about, the children have been baptised and confirmed as Catholics.

All goes to confirm my opinion that religion causes more bother than it gives comfort. Not a Christian attitude to make anyone feel excluded, and apart from the religious aspect, it is downright rude. My DD was welcomed to her friends Batmitzvah, and the people there were delighted to explain the importance of the ceremony, what it mean to to them, an inclusive and sharing day which she really enjoyed.

I arrived to the church alone and drove alone to the lunch after
Did they come from a different direction? Did you phone up in advance and ask if anyone needed a lift at all?

The sermon is not the family's fault but it is worrying that that is what is filling the children's heads.

Yes, but bringing up children catholic, doesn't mean that the other side of the family are excluded in any way. There are lots of mixed denomination marriages out there where the children are brought up in the denomination of one parent and both families mix as one

Anyway nowadays in partnerships where one partner is a catholic the children may be still be brought up in the other parents religion. One of my cousin's children are being brought up in a evangelical christian denomination, even though there father is a catholic. No-one is bothered and there are no rifts.

Belonging to any religion does not immediately make you a saint and this family may have been a difficult and divisive family anyway and use their religion to enhance it. It is not the religion that tells them to act the way they are, assuming that is the case.

Yes, we have never noticed any difference apart from the fact that the children have been brought up as Catholics, the non-Catholic parent in each case being quite happy about that.

I am sorry that you were made to feel like this. I cannot believe you had a hell and damnation sermon. Our grandchildren are being brought up Catholic and we have attended the two eldest' first communion and weren't made to fell damned or left out. ( We are C of E now and even worse, DH is a lapsed Catholic! )
As others have said, just try to build bonds with your DGS in other ways. Do they live close by? Can you do some one to one time?

I too was a little unclear about what exactly upset you, and what could be done about it, and I do think, after a good cry, you could maybe think about that.

Do you want to feel 'included' or is it just that you want some notice taken of you?
Do you always feel 'excluded'? I would expect on an occasion such as First Communion, the emphasis would be on the family who share the faith and traditions.

Not sure if you can do this, but in your shoes I would bide my time. Keep up the relationship, largely keeping religion out of it. If the GCs say something yu have to respond to, then say something along the lines of 'many people believe different things that are very important to them. I do/ do'nt agree with......but I respect people who don't share my views'(obviously adapt for age!)

Your GCs are, I hope, going to query this faith at some point, and will know who they can talk to.
I am not in this position as a grandparent, but I was, as an aunt, with neice & nepehew who were very important to me. They are now very grown up, and I know, deeply appreciate both my respectful stance and my honesty. They knew that I understood both their need to query (and ultimately leave) their faith, and the ties that ade them feel uncomfortable about it.

I didn't experience the 'isolation' that you feel (different position) but I do think that needs tackling separately.

As for those who say that in their Catholic church they would have made the 'outsider' welcome - well I have to say that personally, I had such a dislike for what was being preached, I preferred to be rather 'outside'. I'm not sure if OP wanted to be 'included' or not.
Socially, it may seem pleasant for people of faith to be 'welcoming'. For me, I wanted to be socially polite (for the reasons above) but in no way associated with something I found so wrong.
Not sure about OP.

Sorry you are upset about this day May I think this was more a case of the family
Not putting you at ease, or making you feel welcome than about the Catholic faith.
There aren't that many differences between services that are Cof E and Catholic ( I was brought up as a Catholic). You should really have been included at the other Grandma's house, but that's families isn't it, and as I am both a maternal and a paternal Grandma I can say for sure that they are not the same!
The children were probably caught up in the moment as it were, and there were lots of family around to distract them.Put it behind you.?

I also noticed this poster seemed to assume that paternal grandparents play second fiddle to the mother's parents. I know there are instances of this, but it is by no means the norm. Most paternal grandparents I know are as much part of the son's family as the maternal grandparents.

That the OP feels isolated and alone and this is causing her real distress I can understand and feel sympathy for.

I am just not sure what the underlying cause is.

I don't give any credence to assume being PGM is the problem. Your feelings were badly hurt. Don't get caught up in a "GM pecking order" state of mind, that is not bearing. I am sorry.