feeling lonely and isolated as paternal grandmother

May1 I did think that possibly you may be American, the clue "non religious public schools" the public school in America is just what it says for the public, our public schools are fee paying. I don't know what to say, I'm shocked by the chauvanism shown towards you by the Catholic side of the family and their church . Disgraceful! they should be welcoming you, after all Christianity has it's roots in the Jewish faith. A member of my family married a Jewish girl, they didn't bring their children up in either faith. Ideally, it would be best to introduce the children of such a marriage to both the religions and when they are old enough to make an informed choice then they could decide whether to practice one or the other, or possibly neither. I'm sure in time they will be very pleased to have a Jewish granny, I would have been, a bit of diversity is a good thing particularly with the tunnel visioned. There is much you can impart to your grandchildren about the Jewish culture to make their life richer and give them a balance. Yes Catholics can take over imo, I was brought up with the notion it was OK to marry out of my religion but the other side must agree to the children being brought up Catholics, which struck me, even way back then as somewhat arrogant. The Jewish religion, pre dates Catholicism and has given Christianity it's foundations and more importantly, JESUS WAS JEWISH for heavens sake. Go sock that to them. If it makes you feel any better lots of Catholics end up lapsed and a bit anti, especially if they have too much of it as children. Your grandchildren may well have had enough when they reach teens, classic age to rebel against something that has been foisted upon and lets face it, we all know the Catholic church has hardly covered itself in glory.

Given I am so sorry, I have do have ideas to perhaps help your sense of outsiderness.

Would it be possible for you to go to lunch, alone, with your son? Invite him out during his lunch or take hand held food to his desk or cubby? Not to complain about DIL and her mom's bad behaviour, but to focus on him and show him (silently) what you bring to the relationship.

Or, would it be acceptable for you as a Jew (sorry if I am being offensive, I really have no idea how this fits into Judaism) to do secular Christmas, Easter, Hallows Eve with your GK in your home? Just the fun bits, Santa, trees, bunnies, eggs, Frosty, pumpkins. Fun parties with fun GM.

But why are you blaming your DIL?
Because she chooses to spend time with someone else?
If it were a friend would you be as disgruntled?
Her social life is her business.
Also at 8 your GS will have his own interests and free will.
Did he choose to communicate with you during the day?

Also I believe it's rubbish about PGP.
I was always so so so close to my PGM growing up.
Even now I easily spend half an hour three times a week talking to her on the phone.

rosesarered. thank you. You are correct. I am trying to put it behind me and all of you have helped. I am grateful

Bibbity
my son cares very much. I guess he chooses his battles. I have mentioned in the past how I felt. Right now he is hoping not to spend money on private religious HS (in US)so they have that going on with the family pushing for that. It is what it is.

Jalima1108 , I was not invited after. I didn't expect to be. we went to a lunch and again I drove myself. From there, they made plans to get together at MILs house . I am not a blamer, not for the service or not being spoken to or feeling excluded, I was just so very sad and turned to you guys for anything, a shoulder, I don't know.

I appreciate the kind words. You all have helped me. Crying is no fun. We all want to be happy.

So it's not the DILs fault. It's the fact that your son just doesn't care?

Jalima1108, nah, I go past their house to get to church. This is how things are done when I am to join.. I drive alone and leave alone... from wedding day onward. I just reacted this time, feeling way too sad.

M0nica, yes its only me living near by who was invited other than her parents. I guess they simply don't like me for whatever reason. I do offer help and money wherever the situation arrives. I love the kids to death and love my DIL also. Its just when her family is also there and making plans around me as if I am not there and compounded by the religion aspect and being so exclusive, the pain erupts. In many cases being the mother of the boy takes 2nd place especially if the parents live nearby. I live relatively near (50 minutes)but it works differently.
Thank you for your sympathy

Bibbity,
I cant go there. I adore my son and know he has flaws but he wants peace and so turns a blind eye? Ive cried a lot in the past but thought I was stone now.

TerriBull,
Thanks for your time to reply. I live in US. I understand my grandson's feelings and behaviors, its the rest of the family. I'm Jewish. I once gave a book when they were little called "my 2 religions" and learned later by my other son, it was thrown out under some excuse. I am not upset they have a religion but how they seem to process that religion when we all live together and all try to be good people. I think our lives can be richer by sharing and they seem to think exclusion is the key. My son works a lot, to pay for all this, so the kids and DIL spend lots of time with her mother. Ive accepted all of it but just had a break point yesterday. Thank you for replying

OP it may well be that DIL has decided that she deals with her side and her husband (your son) should deal with his.

Why isn't your son calling you to arrange visits etc?

Luckygirl,
Thank you. My first smile of day. May the force be with you.

Nannarose,
Thank you for your time. I try hard to be a part of this family but you are correct I should bide my time. Right now I feel raw (being told about going to hell is rough in front of a beloved child. I try to see them once a week by picking them up at school. My babysitting services are never needed since her parents live close by and are the favored ones frankly. I have at times had a child to take to movies or whatever. It was just a painful event and I am trying to process.

cornergran, I am trying to respond to each poster but am not sure where these replies appear but I thank you for kind words.

Thank you. Most of us are born into a religion. It is what it is. It is painful when the priest knew they must have some mixed families there for him to say that. I had gone to my granddaughters communion a few years earlier and altho I was also an outsider, there was a different priest who blessed everyone

Thank you again Nora. I spent a lot of time on the card and the gift (money- we are American$). When my DIL told me many Christmasses ago I wasn't invited because "it isn't your holiday" I told a girlfriend who was aghast and said she considers it part of being a good Christian to share holidays with everyone. I always hold that thought to me.

I am beginning to think it is my DIL and her mother that is the problem but it becomes mine ofcourse. Yes I have been involved the whole time of their lives. Early on I mentioned concerns to my son but I guess it stresses him out. I love him very much ofcourse and don't want him hurt or to feel the pain I do. I do anything for them but when I asked to have them over night, at first their were excuses but now its moot. The kids stay with her mother and father when they go away and I might get a day to haul them around. I wondered if I had a man attached to me if it might be different but I'm not sure. I paid last year for everyone to get together with my other son at a lake for a few days. Unless I pay, there are no plans for all of us. I think my grand daughter might be picking up vibes that it ok to ignore me when the family is together. I wonder about that. Thank you for kindness in replying.

HI Bluebell, I did the card and the gift. I drive a few hours 1 day a week to pick them up from school and drive them to activities and snacks. I see their shows at school. I used to watch their sports events but it got silly, me standing alone there and the kids with their friends and then going home with the other grandparents EVERY time. You are right I'm from the US and money is the order of the day. Thank you for posting and caring

I don't give any credence to assume being PGM is the problem. Your feelings were badly hurt. Don't get caught up in a "GM pecking order" state of mind, that is not bearing. I am sorry.

I also noticed this poster seemed to assume that paternal grandparents play second fiddle to the mother's parents. I know there are instances of this, but it is by no means the norm. Most paternal grandparents I know are as much part of the son's family as the maternal grandparents.

That the OP feels isolated and alone and this is causing her real distress I can understand and feel sympathy for.

I am just not sure what the underlying cause is.

Sorry you are upset about this day May I think this was more a case of the family
Not putting you at ease, or making you feel welcome than about the Catholic faith.
There aren't that many differences between services that are Cof E and Catholic ( I was brought up as a Catholic). You should really have been included at the other Grandma's house, but that's families isn't it, and as I am both a maternal and a paternal Grandma I can say for sure that they are not the same!
The children were probably caught up in the moment as it were, and there were lots of family around to distract them.Put it behind you.?

I too was a little unclear about what exactly upset you, and what could be done about it, and I do think, after a good cry, you could maybe think about that.

Do you want to feel 'included' or is it just that you want some notice taken of you?
Do you always feel 'excluded'? I would expect on an occasion such as First Communion, the emphasis would be on the family who share the faith and traditions.

Not sure if you can do this, but in your shoes I would bide my time. Keep up the relationship, largely keeping religion out of it. If the GCs say something yu have to respond to, then say something along the lines of 'many people believe different things that are very important to them. I do/ do'nt agree with......but I respect people who don't share my views'(obviously adapt for age!)

Your GCs are, I hope, going to query this faith at some point, and will know who they can talk to.
I am not in this position as a grandparent, but I was, as an aunt, with neice & nepehew who were very important to me. They are now very grown up, and I know, deeply appreciate both my respectful stance and my honesty. They knew that I understood both their need to query (and ultimately leave) their faith, and the ties that ade them feel uncomfortable about it.

I didn't experience the 'isolation' that you feel (different position) but I do think that needs tackling separately.

As for those who say that in their Catholic church they would have made the 'outsider' welcome - well I have to say that personally, I had such a dislike for what was being preached, I preferred to be rather 'outside'. I'm not sure if OP wanted to be 'included' or not.
Socially, it may seem pleasant for people of faith to be 'welcoming'. For me, I wanted to be socially polite (for the reasons above) but in no way associated with something I found so wrong.
Not sure about OP.

I am sorry that you were made to feel like this. I cannot believe you had a hell and damnation sermon. Our grandchildren are being brought up Catholic and we have attended the two eldest' first communion and weren't made to fell damned or left out. ( We are C of E now and even worse, DH is a lapsed Catholic! )
As others have said, just try to build bonds with your DGS in other ways. Do they live close by? Can you do some one to one time?

Yes, we have never noticed any difference apart from the fact that the children have been brought up as Catholics, the non-Catholic parent in each case being quite happy about that.