Being a step-parent and step-grandparent

That's what I'm wondering, too, Jillywilly - what do you think caused the change?

Also, when you say you approached him about his manner, was it just about his behavior towards you or was it about his behavior in general? I don't think you should say anything to him about what goes on at work. That's up to his boss and coworkers to deal with. Imo, you have every right to object if you don't like how he talks to you.

If he just gets nastier, you can end the conversation or the visit. If an argument starts, maybe change the subject? I don't have this exact problem, but, once in a while, my DD gets testy with me. When she does, that's what I do - change the topic as quickly and gracefully as I can. Hard for them to keep fussing if we don't argue back or even stay on the subject.

Sorry you feel like this Jillywilly. I would just concentrate on making kind comments and occasionally putting an alternative view to your son in a gentle way. Keep the peace and lead by a loving example. Is your son married? Is he happy at work? You say he used to be kind and caring. Has something caused the change?

I absolutely love my son, but sometimes I don't like him! My son is 35, I am divorced from his arrogant, controlling husband and now married, for 12 years to a lovely, kindhearted man. My son used to be so wonderful and caring. Of late, he seems to have adopted his father's ways. I dread him coming round to see us, I know he is going to be critical, disrespectful, argumentative and nasty. It gets embarrassing and I feel hurt when he has gone. He works in the same industry as my ex and, from what he says about his time at work, he upsets people all the time, and gets pleasure from it. I have approached him about his manner, but he just retorts with a nasty comment. Has anyone had any success with a son like this, I do love him and hate how I feel about him at the moment.

P.S. He can't control what comes out of his dd's mouth, of course. But he can ask her to treat his dw (you) with respect. Idk if he can bring himself to ask that though, nor if she would listen.

"... asked me why I didn't wear my wedding dress to a later wedding in the family (!)"

Was that a sarcastic comment? It doesn't make sense! Was she just trying to confuse or rattle you, do you think?

"... asked why I wore old walking boots to the walk when I had new ones."

How is that possibly her business? I hope you didn't give her too much of a reply. I think I would have just stared at her and asked, "Why would you ever want to know?" But that's easy to think of from a distance, I know.

I think a lot of the time it would be a good idea to just raise an eyebrow and say, "What an odd question!" But maybe you're concerned it would cause trouble with dh.

He's still your main problem, imo. He can cater to his ac all he wants, but he mustn't ignore your needs or let you be hurt in the process. That's how I see it, anyhow.

Certainly there is a money element in there too. The person who arranged the walking trip was one of his daughters, who frequently phones my husband up, asking him where he is going, asked me why I didn't wear my wedding dress to a later wedding in the family (!) noticed new walking boots at our house and asked why I wore old walking boots to the walk when I had new ones.....I find it quite wearing because in a way I'd like to escape all this questioning. At a recent wedding she insisted on dancing with her father when he didn't even want to ! I said I didn't mind, but she made a big thing of it. She always makes sure she asks for money for all her kids' birthdays.

"The emotional aspects of such relationships are a minefield. And when money is part of the equation, light blue touch paper and retire!"
I agree, HG15. while she was at home with us I had a very tense relationship with my step daughter - jealous of eachother. Sounds childish on my part but I was in an emotional mess to start with. Now she's grown and has a child of her own we get on fine.
Two of mine still absolutely love their stepfather (my husband) but the third resented him a lot, which is more natural, wanted his own Dad back.

I had a brilliant relationship with my stepchildren, or so I thought, but when my DH became very ill, all went sour. He died recently and although I am getting on ok with one of them the other will not speak to me and has behaved appallingly towards me. I don't know why but have my theories. I think that the lesson is, and this is very sad, that you have to be very careful in step relationships and protect your own interests. The emotional aspects of such relationships are a minefield. And when money is part of the equation, light blue touch paper and retire!

Starlady - it was just a cup of tea, so no big deal for me (and actually he already had one which he had made himself. You will laugh, as I did, because the day before he burnt a load of potatoes, saucepan and all.

I am a believer in communication, this was an opportunity for something to be said after so long a silence, otherwise nothing would have been said for days, so I made sure I put my side of things, which he did not like, but still they were said. I admit, I am not a great one for confrontation, and my husband is very argumentative, which is fine so long as he is not arguing against me. He goes into warlike mode so the other person is the enemy.

If you do go on these walks, he needs to be more attuned to how you're doing. Or you need to tell him at the time (if you can)

Wait... Zorro, you made and served tea for a man who hadn't spoken to you in a few days after treating you badly? Why?

I think you need to let him know that you expect more equality in this marriage. For example, either he joins your family, the way you join his, etc. or you get to go off on your own and do what you want, as he does. That includes not going on walks that you find difficult. You can let him decide or you can just let him know that from now on, your exercising the same right to decline as he does.

If he gets mad and won't talk, he can get his own tea, etc.

So much really brilliant help for me here. I was pretty angry and also upset. TriciaF is entirely correct. I think the problem is that my husband, because there was a very difficult divorce always supports his children, whatever they want and will never criticise them at all. Neither will he criticise his e-wife in their presence. I can see he is manipulated by them because of this.

I find the main problem to be that he expects me to act happy in certain situations whereas he won't at all take part in things he does not wish to do - I know this sounds odd, but he will not go to cinema to watch a film. He won't go to London. He won't go to our local Supper Club which meets up to go to local pubs for a meal quarterly. I will have a look at the book recommended on toxic inlaws. Thank you all for the suggestions - they were all so helpful and kept me on an even keel yesterday knowing someone out there could come up with some positive suggestions. I don't like to run away from things really if the situation can be improved somehow.

I might be tempted to arrange to do something else when next one these get together's are going to take place? Maybe a trip out to somewhere you want to visit with a female friend, or on your own shopping....

Struggling up a hill in order to fit in with his your DH needs and wants might not be my idea of fun...

Maybe even your own relatives?

You have been together 22 years . Is this normal behavior for him or has he suddenly changed?

I think striding off without noticing I was struggling is something my DH would do - out of t houghtlessness though. (In fact this has happenened but he eventually realised and came back looki g for me!) He'd say 'Oh , thought you were just behind!' But he would apologise and possibly laugh if i complained. However if i went on and on about it he might get cross. But he would never go out without saying where hes going. That's the real worry. I definitely think you need to explain how hurt you were but without putting his back up if possible, if he doesnt respond well to criticism. And then move on.

It's very hurtful in a step family when you realise that feelings for flesh and blood are different and stronger than for a new partner. I've experienced this too.
You need to weigh up the good things that you get from eachother, and work out how to strengthen the bond between you.

I think there is more here than just this post. The deafness may be an issue, my DH is deaf and sometimes "switches off" because he just can't hear what's going on. But in all other ways he's lovely ... Please try to talk it through with your husband and make sure he understands how deeply hurt you are. Good luck.

He sounds like a very selfish man , sloping off without saying where he is going and leaving you to struggle on the walk . At 79 I doubt that he will change and possibly just get worse . Time for a frank talk about what you expect from this marriage , a bit of consideration for a start . Are you happy in the relationship otherwise or are you just putting up with his bad behaviour out of fear that he will give you the silent treatment ? It is beyond me why women put up with this nonsense , single life seems like bliss in comparison

Oh...one more thing. Being the subservient wife dutifully staying home to make tea for the returning family is not an option I would consider.

If you are not getting joy from the relationship what is the point in continuing to live with a man who is so inconsiderate. Time to let him know that you have had enough and unless he makes huge changes immediately you will be leaving him. If he refuses to acknowledge his behaviour has been disgraceful then you are better off, and will be much happier, on your own.

Do you think your husband's deafness is one of the problems here Zorro, with hearing impairment nuances of conversation are often missed and the deaf person becomes a bit isolated. I agree with Florence, don't go walking if you dislike it but have tea waiting when they get in so you are part of the event. You do need to explain how you felt though, he is in a partnership and needs to consider you.

Sounds like it's all one way traffic in this relationship, very much in your Husband's favour. Where exactly do you fit in in his list of priorities in all this? He has one thing right... you most certainly need to talk... but if he's incapable of listening to you or acknowledging your feelings, frankly, I'm not sure where you go from there... Sorry to sound so negative, but where are the positives in the story you've told?..

I think that these 'step' relationships can be fantastic but also very difficult at times, and in my experience the difficulties sometimes arise when the (step) children come on holiday.

You don't know how he would have reacted on this occasion had you been his first wife i.e. the mother of his children. It may be something not to take personally. Rude of him of course.

In my case, we have been together for 15 years and married for five. My husband was a widower with three children, one is disabled and I have voluntarily become her main carer.

But the needs of all his children, now adults, two with their own children, can sometimes (often!) supersede my needs.

I often babysit for my step-grandchildren, far more than my husband does - the children like me, but I know we'll get quite a lot of anxiety from my husband before they come to see us, or before we go to see them.

We have been on a few holidays with his family and his in laws, although my husband won't come on holidays with my brother and sister and their families, etc. Sounds familiar, I think?

Interestingly, I seem to have been accepted by my husbands family and his late wife's family (as far as I can tell, of course) but the people who seem to have a problem with me are one set of in-laws (my stepdaughters MiL and FiL) but thankfully we don't see them more than once a year.

Regarding the extreme walking, is your husband trying to prove that he is still young at heart and fitter than all the younger people? Could you stay behind and get a lovely tea ready for them on their return?

I have just read a book by Susan Forward, Toxic in laws, recommended by someone on another Gransnet thread, and although none of the scenarios nor my issues with in laws (step or otherwise) were specifically addressed by the author, there was a lot of very helpful general advice, particularly about not being a 'victim' in the extended family.

I can't really suggest anything except that in my experience, just 'smile and wave' through this difficult day or two. Hope that once you get home, his behaviour improves. ?

Further development: after I gave him a cup of tea this morning - because he would not talk to me and has not since Sunday (so that's several days) he said we should talk. I told him that his idea of being married and mine were very different - he should not have just strode (?) off on his own not bothering to check how anyone else was. I really think he never even notices. He accused me of making this up.

If it makes any difference to anyone's advice he is very deaf, but is now trying out two new hearing aids. He also intensely dislikes being criticised.

It's horrible not knowing where someone is , I am a worrier and would hate this. You need to explain u are not checking up on him, he can go where and when he likes within reason, u just need to know he is safe and where he is. I had to do this with my adult daughters. You def need to organise a chat and agree on basic safety rules, explain u too would say where u we're going if out for a long time. I had to say to my walking friends I can no longer do hills but would happily meet them at the end for coffee, they mostly do flat walks now.
On a serious note, this needs nipped in the bud. When I explained the reason behind my anxiety over knowing where people are, they understood.......years ago my husband then boyfriend went out without saying where and his dad unexpectedly dropped dead and no one could find us.