Being a step-parent and step-grandparent

I can understand your OH wanting to keep in touch with his children and a walk can be a nice thing to do, but....he's being totally inconsiderate to you. Going off without saying anything for a night, not speaking to you on the walk even when you were plainly struggling, never visiting your family. Something isn't right here. It sounds as it's not just about the family. You need to have a proper conversation or maybe see a realationship counsellor.

You've been a part of this family for a long-time so I'm sure you don't feel that you are a newbie trying to fit in . Perhaps the next time a walk is mentioned, suggest one along a river so that you don't need to huff and puff up a hill. Or that you make a few sandwiches and then stay at home to make lunch for when they get back. Yes, your husband was insensitive to you, but if you cannot discuss this with him , I think your marriage is already in crisis and not just due to this walk.

I'm not sure from your post whether it was your birthday when the walk was arranged. If so then it was not at all thoughtful of your husband. Seems he wanted to do his own thing regardless of everyone. You say he left everyone behind and went off on his own. Is he worried about something? is this behaviour unusual for him ? My husband enjoys cycling which I hate so he goes off with friends and I do my own thing but we check we are both ok with the arrangements. Perhaps you need to talk about what happened and see if there are underlying problems.

Christinefrance

Ah, no, I did not make that clear. Probably because last night he disappeared again in the evening - didn't even say he was going out and returned about 10.00 pm. I have no idea where he was.

The birthday was his 79th. All he said to me before it was that his daughter (he was divorced and has 3 adult daughters and a son). He seemed to know nothing more than the time to meet up before hand, then his daughter, who arranged the walk asked him to pick up two other children beforehand who were staying overnight at the son's half an hour beforehand - one of them being her son. He never denies his children anything - I expect that it guilt. The previous time we went on this particular walk (about a month ago) one of the other grandchildren "got winded" on one of the hills, so it can be quite fraught.

Sounds like there's a lot more to this than just a walk that you especially didn't enjoy. What is your relationship like when it's just the two of you ? Do you sit together and watch tv and chat? Go out for lunch together ?
I'm just wondering if your problems arise only when his family are around ?
It was unkind of him to let you struggle on your own on the walk and then to go out but not say where or when he would be home.
You've been together along time. I wonder why you decided to marry him after being together for so long ?
Also, was he this unkind before you married ?

It's horrible not knowing where someone is , I am a worrier and would hate this. You need to explain u are not checking up on him, he can go where and when he likes within reason, u just need to know he is safe and where he is. I had to do this with my adult daughters. You def need to organise a chat and agree on basic safety rules, explain u too would say where u we're going if out for a long time. I had to say to my walking friends I can no longer do hills but would happily meet them at the end for coffee, they mostly do flat walks now.
On a serious note, this needs nipped in the bud. When I explained the reason behind my anxiety over knowing where people are, they understood.......years ago my husband then boyfriend went out without saying where and his dad unexpectedly dropped dead and no one could find us.

Further development: after I gave him a cup of tea this morning - because he would not talk to me and has not since Sunday (so that's several days) he said we should talk. I told him that his idea of being married and mine were very different - he should not have just strode (?) off on his own not bothering to check how anyone else was. I really think he never even notices. He accused me of making this up.

If it makes any difference to anyone's advice he is very deaf, but is now trying out two new hearing aids. He also intensely dislikes being criticised.

I think that these 'step' relationships can be fantastic but also very difficult at times, and in my experience the difficulties sometimes arise when the (step) children come on holiday.

You don't know how he would have reacted on this occasion had you been his first wife i.e. the mother of his children. It may be something not to take personally. Rude of him of course.

In my case, we have been together for 15 years and married for five. My husband was a widower with three children, one is disabled and I have voluntarily become her main carer.

But the needs of all his children, now adults, two with their own children, can sometimes (often!) supersede my needs.

I often babysit for my step-grandchildren, far more than my husband does - the children like me, but I know we'll get quite a lot of anxiety from my husband before they come to see us, or before we go to see them.

We have been on a few holidays with his family and his in laws, although my husband won't come on holidays with my brother and sister and their families, etc. Sounds familiar, I think?

Interestingly, I seem to have been accepted by my husbands family and his late wife's family (as far as I can tell, of course) but the people who seem to have a problem with me are one set of in-laws (my stepdaughters MiL and FiL) but thankfully we don't see them more than once a year.

Regarding the extreme walking, is your husband trying to prove that he is still young at heart and fitter than all the younger people? Could you stay behind and get a lovely tea ready for them on their return?

I have just read a book by Susan Forward, Toxic in laws, recommended by someone on another Gransnet thread, and although none of the scenarios nor my issues with in laws (step or otherwise) were specifically addressed by the author, there was a lot of very helpful general advice, particularly about not being a 'victim' in the extended family.

I can't really suggest anything except that in my experience, just 'smile and wave' through this difficult day or two. Hope that once you get home, his behaviour improves. ?

Sounds like it's all one way traffic in this relationship, very much in your Husband's favour. Where exactly do you fit in in his list of priorities in all this? He has one thing right... you most certainly need to talk... but if he's incapable of listening to you or acknowledging your feelings, frankly, I'm not sure where you go from there... Sorry to sound so negative, but where are the positives in the story you've told?..

Do you think your husband's deafness is one of the problems here Zorro, with hearing impairment nuances of conversation are often missed and the deaf person becomes a bit isolated. I agree with Florence, don't go walking if you dislike it but have tea waiting when they get in so you are part of the event. You do need to explain how you felt though, he is in a partnership and needs to consider you.

If you are not getting joy from the relationship what is the point in continuing to live with a man who is so inconsiderate. Time to let him know that you have had enough and unless he makes huge changes immediately you will be leaving him. If he refuses to acknowledge his behaviour has been disgraceful then you are better off, and will be much happier, on your own.

Oh...one more thing. Being the subservient wife dutifully staying home to make tea for the returning family is not an option I would consider.

He sounds like a very selfish man , sloping off without saying where he is going and leaving you to struggle on the walk . At 79 I doubt that he will change and possibly just get worse . Time for a frank talk about what you expect from this marriage , a bit of consideration for a start . Are you happy in the relationship otherwise or are you just putting up with his bad behaviour out of fear that he will give you the silent treatment ? It is beyond me why women put up with this nonsense , single life seems like bliss in comparison

I think there is more here than just this post. The deafness may be an issue, my DH is deaf and sometimes "switches off" because he just can't hear what's going on. But in all other ways he's lovely ... Please try to talk it through with your husband and make sure he understands how deeply hurt you are. Good luck.

It's very hurtful in a step family when you realise that feelings for flesh and blood are different and stronger than for a new partner. I've experienced this too.
You need to weigh up the good things that you get from eachother, and work out how to strengthen the bond between you.

I think striding off without noticing I was struggling is something my DH would do - out of t houghtlessness though. (In fact this has happenened but he eventually realised and came back looki g for me!) He'd say 'Oh , thought you were just behind!' But he would apologise and possibly laugh if i complained. However if i went on and on about it he might get cross. But he would never go out without saying where hes going. That's the real worry. I definitely think you need to explain how hurt you were but without putting his back up if possible, if he doesnt respond well to criticism. And then move on.

You have been together 22 years . Is this normal behavior for him or has he suddenly changed?

I might be tempted to arrange to do something else when next one these get together's are going to take place? Maybe a trip out to somewhere you want to visit with a female friend, or on your own shopping....

Struggling up a hill in order to fit in with his your DH needs and wants might not be my idea of fun...

Maybe even your own relatives?

So much really brilliant help for me here. I was pretty angry and also upset. TriciaF is entirely correct. I think the problem is that my husband, because there was a very difficult divorce always supports his children, whatever they want and will never criticise them at all. Neither will he criticise his e-wife in their presence. I can see he is manipulated by them because of this.

I find the main problem to be that he expects me to act happy in certain situations whereas he won't at all take part in things he does not wish to do - I know this sounds odd, but he will not go to cinema to watch a film. He won't go to London. He won't go to our local Supper Club which meets up to go to local pubs for a meal quarterly. I will have a look at the book recommended on toxic inlaws. Thank you all for the suggestions - they were all so helpful and kept me on an even keel yesterday knowing someone out there could come up with some positive suggestions. I don't like to run away from things really if the situation can be improved somehow.

Wait... Zorro, you made and served tea for a man who hadn't spoken to you in a few days after treating you badly? Why?

I think you need to let him know that you expect more equality in this marriage. For example, either he joins your family, the way you join his, etc. or you get to go off on your own and do what you want, as he does. That includes not going on walks that you find difficult. You can let him decide or you can just let him know that from now on, your exercising the same right to decline as he does.

If he gets mad and won't talk, he can get his own tea, etc.

If you do go on these walks, he needs to be more attuned to how you're doing. Or you need to tell him at the time (if you can)

Starlady - it was just a cup of tea, so no big deal for me (and actually he already had one which he had made himself. You will laugh, as I did, because the day before he burnt a load of potatoes, saucepan and all.

I am a believer in communication, this was an opportunity for something to be said after so long a silence, otherwise nothing would have been said for days, so I made sure I put my side of things, which he did not like, but still they were said. I admit, I am not a great one for confrontation, and my husband is very argumentative, which is fine so long as he is not arguing against me. He goes into warlike mode so the other person is the enemy.

I had a brilliant relationship with my stepchildren, or so I thought, but when my DH became very ill, all went sour. He died recently and although I am getting on ok with one of them the other will not speak to me and has behaved appallingly towards me. I don't know why but have my theories. I think that the lesson is, and this is very sad, that you have to be very careful in step relationships and protect your own interests. The emotional aspects of such relationships are a minefield. And when money is part of the equation, light blue touch paper and retire!

"The emotional aspects of such relationships are a minefield. And when money is part of the equation, light blue touch paper and retire!"
I agree, HG15. while she was at home with us I had a very tense relationship with my step daughter - jealous of eachother. Sounds childish on my part but I was in an emotional mess to start with. Now she's grown and has a child of her own we get on fine.
Two of mine still absolutely love their stepfather (my husband) but the third resented him a lot, which is more natural, wanted his own Dad back.