Rude messages

Sometimes, I think it happens MOnica because the loving gp does so much, so often for their ac and gc that they start to feel "entitled" to it and so "wronged" when the gp says "no." Imo, gps need to say no every once in a while from the beginning, just to make sure this doesn't happen.

But I also think in some cases, the gp says "yes" as often as possible because it's the only way they see their ac & gc. Or because they're afraid they won't get to see them if they don't.

But as someone else said, since the op hasn't been back in to answer questions, we can't really gauge her situation. I hope the reason she hasn't come back is that they all made up and everything is fine now. But if that's the story, Op, I think it would be nice if you took the time to let us know.

But if your 'need' for them is so strong that they treat you with the indifference, rudeness and anger that we read about on so many threads, not just this one, then the relationship is badly out of balance.

There are grandparents who are an integral part of their DC and DGC lives with mutual respect and love on all sides. As I said there is a big difference between being a supportive grandparent and effectively being the family skivvy and we hear on GN about so many being treated like skivvies and I am puzzled about how one becomes the other.

Monica you say you can't understand it as the grandkids and kids have to fit round your life but maybe for some people their grandkids are their lives and they are happy to be useful and feel needed Not all people have healthy lives outside their own families I m not talking about myself just saying some grandmums not having hugely social lives may be alone divorced or widowed and enjoy being 'there' for their loved ones
Having said I m not talking about myself I have to admit that I would drop my own arrangements if it would help any of my kids or grandkids
Misadventure to me rude can be taken two ways ...... rude to challenge me their elder or rude by being disrespectful in their words I read it the first way but you could be right and it could be the second way as usually happens the original poster hasn't come back with any updates or clearing up any questions so we are all just guessing and judging from one side of the equation

As u get older u don't need extra stress, it makes u wonder how a little thing like that can be blown out of proportion. don't let it worry u, life is too short .

I am all with the OP, her child and grandchildren have behaved very badly, but surely they would not have done this if they had not been in the habit of expecting her to be at their beck and call whenever they required her.

When I first joined GN I was quite shocked to read threads like this, but there have been so many that it is clearly a common problem.

Which leaves me puzzled, why do so many grandparents, especially grandmothers, feel this need to be entirely at the beck and call of their children and grandchildren so that they risk abuse and rows if they do not leap to obey their descendants every demand.

In a real emergency my DC know they can rely on me, but they know that anything else we do for them has to be fitted around the demands of our own lives. Perhaps the OP needs to make it clear to her family that she is not the family skivvy and that in future any help she gives them will be dependent on it being convenient for her.

Just explain to the whole family including kids that you now feel you cannot do all the things you want to do because you are getting older. I expect they were disappointed if you promised something and then couldn't feel you could do it, for whatever reason because you changed the timings of the holiday, but they should have understood the reasons and didn't. The parents should have explained better to your grandchildren and obviously didn't.

The title of the post is 'Rude messages'. I took my cue from that.

But misadventure what do you class as rude ...nothing in the original post (unless I ve read it wrong again), tells us ANY words in the texts, just that they were disappointed and blamed her. Depending on how it was said makes it rude or not Maybe I m laid back but if I let my grandkids down and they texted me to say how disappointed they were I would totally understand, if they texted to reprimand me use bad words tell me how awful I was I d be mortified.... so basically we have no idea if it was rudely said or not
Like icanhandthemback I d walk on hot coals to keep my word ......but as said before if it wasn't a given, a firm arrangement then there should have been no blame handed out at all and the original poster was right to feel upset

I would be absolutely fuming if my grandchildren sent me rude messages, regardless of why
Feeling let down isn't a good enough reason, manners cost nothing.

I too actually read it the same way as Bluebelle. My initial thought was, she'd already agreed to take them after work. Then she changed her mind at the last minute, and they understandably felt disappointed and let down. I could understand their feelings if this were the case. Of course that does not excuse rude messages being left.

The trouble is, we don't actually know all the facts. It would be good to hear further from OP.

I have to agree that I read the original post in the same way as BlueBelle. I feel if there had been a genuine reason the OP would have said so. In my world, if I say I will do something, I will do everything in my power to do so and I would have to be dying to change arrangements so radically. I also think that if there wasn't a decent reason for changing them, then it isn't unreasonable for older grandchildren or children to challenge your behaviour. The only thing I wouldn't have liked was that it was left as a message. Far better to have a two way communication if you are going to try to resolve discontent.

No I wasn't being arrogant Jfem I read the original post from a different slant reading it as Blizzie had arranged to take them down and dropped out at the last minute I then apologised if I d got the wrong end of the stick I don't think arrogant people usually apologise !!!

Coco, I'm so sorry, both about your health issues and your siblings refusal to understand. To me, they sound insensitive, if not downright cruel!

And maybe greedy, too? Their "reason" for not giving you your share of the legacy may just be an excuse. Sounds like bully behavior to me. My heart goes out to you!

I agree with pps (previous posters) - please seek legal redress. Your physical limitations may make this difficult for you to do, I know. But it will be worth it, imo, to get what you're legally entitled to and, more important, to show your siblings they can't get away with this!

It seems there were 2 copies of this thread but one of them disappeared (was removed?). I posted in the other one, I think, but will now post here instead.

Op, I'm so sorry this has happened. I took it as your dd asked you this last minute and was mad when you said no. But now, BlueBelle has me wondering, did you promise to drive them and then change your mind last minute? That would change the picture a bit. I still feel for you though.

Also, how old are your gc? That might make a difference. Unless they are teenagers, they may have been voicing their parents' feelings more than their own.

No matter what, those messages were unfair, as you say, imo. Again, so sorry. Even if you changed your mind last minute, they could have easily gone the next day surely, just as you were planning to do. It shouldn't have been such a big deal.

It was also very unfair, I feel, to accuse you of "starting a row." You did NOT. Dd and sil did NOT have to fight over this. That's THEIR doing.

Maybe there's an underlying problem of dd not driving or not driving long distances or at night? She may have to change that or accept that she can't expect others to drive her where she wants, when she wants all the time. But you can't do anything about this, of course.

Maybe they were just all reacting in the moment. I hope you all ended up going on holiday, anyhow, and that all had a good time.

what an arrogant post Blue Belle. Give gran a break, we are taken for granted these days by our sons and daughters and no doubt therefore by the grand kids. I would have been distressed too by any inference, as I am sure it was unintended to spoil the holiday, she was going down the next day!!! Let it go Bizilizie 29, if they haven't apologised to you by now I would be doubly upset- but C'est La vie, I am sure you will all make it up!! xx

I just wanted to add Bizzilizzi - try not to make a big deal of it. They were rude, and need to be corrected, then forget about it.
But Coco's problem is on a different level.

Non drivers are not aware of the stress and strain that can be involved in driving. They think you just get in a car and it takes you there. No idea of the level of alertness and concentration required. It's a killer if you're already tired.

It seems to me that as older people with grandchildren, our children do not realise how the ageing process tires people. I had children in my late teens and early twenties and had plenty of energy so did not need to rely on my mother so much as children seem to today. They have children late and work hard to keep up with everyone else and expect the older generation to fill in the gaps when they cannot cope. It needs a little understanding on both sides, but particularly on the children's side, I think. We are tired!

Hi Coco51 I was concerned to read your comment about your late mothers legacy! If this was in her will and they were her executors this would be illegal you should get legal advice straightaway

Well it's just tough isn't it. I've also been amazed with a grown up child's reaction to this weekends events. I don't know where they get it from because no doubt you've brought them up, as I've done, to not be so selfish. Of course we still love them but I'm just trying to let it all go by....enjoy myself...and get back to my own life when they've gone.

Coco51, they cannot withhold a legacy from your mother; either there was a will where her wishes must be granted or, if she died intestate, there are laws about who should be paid what. Either way, they cannot withhold it without breaking the law or going to court to substantiate their claim it would be unreasonable to pay you which I doubt would be upheld.

coco51:

Do hope everything sorted and you have received the legacy your mother wanted you to have. If not I hope you will consult a solicitor - you can do this free at some Citizens Advice Bureaux. Best wishes.

Won't help this time......but how about paying for driving lessons for your daughter? Taxi responsibility over!

I reckon you are being taken for granted all round. Time to draw the line in whatever way suits you and yours, whilst still keeping relationships intact. Good luck

Sounds like your Grandchildren are behaving like disappointed children by throwing the odd toy out of the cot. Don't make the mistake of picking the toys up. You didn't start a row. Your grown up daughter and hubby did... probably over some sub-text which you and your Grandchildren have no knowledge of... It's not your problem. Leave it with them...