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Rude messages

(52 Posts)
Bizilizi29 Thu 25-May-17 23:53:53

I've had a fall out with my daughter and grandchildren after saying I couldn't drive them to our holiday site that evening straight after work which was 1.5 hours away. I said go on ahead without me and I'll meet them next day. When I got home from work that night my phone bleeped with messages from my grandchildren saying I'd let them down they were so looking forward and that I'd started a row....with whom I didn't know but assumed it was with father who too didn't want the drive after a days work. I feel unfairly treated because I wouldn't drive that evening.

norose4 Fri 26-May-17 07:48:52

From what you have said,it sounds very reasonable that you didn't drive down. You don't say what age your grandchildren are, if they are young teenagers then they are out of order, if they are fairly young they should not have been allowed to speak to you like that. I do hope you get chance to sort it out , but I don't blame you for feeling unfairly treated.

Christinefrance Fri 26-May-17 08:09:43

Yes either way it's not appropriate for your grandchildren to speak to you like that.
Don't take it too seriously though, I expect they were disappointed and as usual people take out their frustrations on their nearest and dearest. I would tell them you were hurt by their comments but don't let this escalate and cause further problems. You need to pick your battles.

BlueBelle Fri 26-May-17 08:35:46

Come on now there is nothing rude showing from the post so we don't know how the grandchildren spoke to Bizilia in the text message If she means it's rude of them to tell her how disappointed they are and how she's made it difficult for the trip that's not rude it's a fact, and a fact that she doesn't want to hear ... however if they wrote using inappropriate manner or swear words then that would be rude but there is nothing to suggest that from the original post

You changed the goalposts at the last minute and the grandkids were obviously upset and disappointed it sounds as if your son who was relying on you probably ended up getting very cross about the whole thing and we don't know how he expressed his disappointment in front of the kids which then put a damper on the excitement of the holiday.... He might have even said oh well I can't drive and theybthought their holiday was in jeapady

I think you are very wise not to drive if you know you will be tired but unless you were unexpectedly called in to work on a day off, you shouldn't have said you would drive from the start if you knew it was a work day and the distance, why offer and then retract? and then be surprised that there is disappointment all round

I think you should never offer something you might not be able to do I hope this can be put behind you and you have a good holiday and resume normal relations with the grandkids (they usually forget quickly)

DanniRae Fri 26-May-17 08:40:00

Where does Bizilizi say that she had promised to drive her family to the holiday site? I took it that they had assumed that she would do it.

Maggiemaybe Fri 26-May-17 08:42:24

Well the OP may well have originally agreed to drive and then given back word, but there's nothing to that effect in what she's written. confused Perhaps they just asked her to do it that day?

rosesarered Fri 26-May-17 08:44:48

I agree with norose and it is unfair that grandchildren shoukd have been allowed to say anything at all on the phone.
If you had said that you would definitely drive them there after work, and then didn't, that would have been different.

felice Fri 26-May-17 09:40:54

I have had similar with my Mother.
train to Amsterdam, Easyjet to Glasgow(Prestwick), pick up hire car, drive to Edinburgh(on the wrong side of the road) during the rush hour.
Arrive at my mothers no hello or desperately needed cup of tea, just her with her coat on telling me that she had told her Brother and Sister we would be there by 5pm, 6.45 now.
I said no way as that would have been a 3 hour round trip. Politely, she does not drive and has no idea how tiring a day of travelling can be.
She did not speak to me the entire first week of my two week visit and told anyone that would listen how cruel I was not 'allowing' her to visit her brother and Sister, I had taken her the next morning. They understood completely, were just glad to see me.
Sometimes people just do not understand the stresses of others.

BlueBelle Fri 26-May-17 10:12:41

Well alopogies to original poster if it was just presumed you'd drive I read it that it was an arrangement that you'd changed but if it's the case that it was just a presumption then it was completely wrong for anyone to complain about you

Nelliemaggs Fri 26-May-17 10:33:52

I am so sorry Bizilizi that you were made to feel bad. Even if you had said you would drive them all down to the holiday site it would be foolish to drive 1.5 hours if you were tired or just not feeling up to it. You can't necessarily anticipate tiredness; some days it is just the way it goes, especially if you had had a less than brilliant night's sleep.
If your grandchildren actually texted that you had 'let them down' they are showing a sad lack of respect for their elders and betters. Oh for the days when young people couldnt grab their phones in annoyance to send disgruntled text messages.

Brigidsdaughter Fri 26-May-17 10:36:39

How flaming dare they??
I can't imagine ever speaking like that to a senior family member!
Are the gcs in charge now? Not a holiday I'd want to join for a few days at least

JanaNana Fri 26-May-17 10:41:46

I,m guessing that you are feeling taken for granted here and that your daughter had assumed you would drive them there once you had finished work that day! Reading between the lines (maybe incorrectly) that your grandchildren are still relatively young and eagerly anticipated once "gran" had finished work you would be on your way. I think this is were a lot of problems can start when people assume/ presume something with out any confirmation. Hope this will be sorted out soon. It's never a good idea to let misunderstandings become bigger problems. Think your daughter should have explained to her children that gran would,nt be able to drive them there that evening and they would have to wait to see you until the next day, after all you are entitled to have time to yourself after finishing work just like anyone else.

IngeJones Fri 26-May-17 10:43:50

It would depend IMHO on whether you had promised them you would drive them down that night. If so, then technically you let them down tho you could have had very good reason. if not, then you didn't let anyone down anyway.

Griselda Fri 26-May-17 10:43:52

I think it's outrageous that your grandchildren should speak/write to you like that. Whatever happened to good manners. How old are they ?
As someone has already said, if they are young they should not be leaving phone messages; if they are older they are completely disrespectful.

IngeJones Fri 26-May-17 10:44:53

Also I wonder if the parents said to their kids as a way of getting out of trouble themselves "well grandma was meant to but she's let us down", so the kids just believe the parents.

grannygranby Fri 26-May-17 10:45:06

gosh yes I think your grandchildren were being rude - sometimes those we are closest to can be the rudest because they can! And I so sympathise with your decision. You were very wise not to drive after a days work when you didn't feel up to it. That's just a fact and a responsible decision that should be respected. We wish. I also had a flashback to my mum when I read felice's comment. I used to drive from the north of england to south london - and dreaded it because my mother was always disappointed when I arrived! she loved me so much! - I was always too late - took too long, she was worried I had had an accident etc etc. And as Felice said after a many hours drive on busy motorways and across London you want a welcome and a cup tea - a glass of wine - a supper. Not sulks! She didn't drive either. So big hug Biziliz - deep breath. I also know that trips across England on M62 when my children were students were just a bit of a bore - now twenty years later - they are scary - how much that is due to loss of energy as i age - or the increasing complexity of M62 is moot point. But we can remember to give any of our children a warm welcome after a drive - however late they are!!

starlily106 Fri 26-May-17 10:49:51

I think that whether or not it was agreed that you would drive that night, the fact that you felt you couldn't should be reason enough for you to say it wasn't possible. Your grandchildren are very wrong to be so rude to you, especially as their father had refused to take them. I would be appalled if my granddaughter spoke to me in that manner. I think they should be apologising to you.

rafichagran Fri 26-May-17 10:56:18

You should be having a word with your daughter, to have a word with your Grandchildren about their behaviour. Sending texts like that is innapropriate.

Also the adults need to watch what they say, as Children have a habit of repeating. I would have been furious.

Lynnebo Fri 26-May-17 10:58:09

It's just so easy for people to speak their mind without thinking in this age of text and instant messaging. In the old days they would have had to sleep on it and it's true that things look different (or are forgotten) after a nights sleep x

sarahellenwhitney Fri 26-May-17 11:00:12

It seems your grandchildren could get to the holiday site without you so what was the problem.?
1.5 is hardly the other side of the world.
Let them have their little 'whinge' You are not their servant and I assure you they will get over it.
This is 'being taken for granted' an all too familiar situation in families. Give an inch they will expect a mile.

TriciaF Fri 26-May-17 11:02:56

That was really rude, Bizilizi - I think you should ring them back and tell them so, or get their mother to do it.
I think some children seem to think the world always owes them something, I think "entitled "is the current word.
I got annoyed with one of my grandchildren when she started to order me about (as it seemed to me.) I told her she wasn't talking to their live-in housekeeper now - they live in Kuwait and have domestic help.

sweetcakes Fri 26-May-17 11:22:54

Talk about guilt trip you how dare they and the parents were probably standing there listening to them do it. Sil should have driven or was he quite content to let you do all the running about!! It beggers belief.

Bluegayn58 Fri 26-May-17 11:44:01

Well how very rude of them. There was obviously an issue for you Bizilizi and it wasn't as if you were their only mode of transport.

There's so much expectation between families these days - too much of it.

Going on holiday is so stressful! They'll calm down, don't let it spoil things xx

Margs Fri 26-May-17 11:45:36

If not providing your apparently bratty grandchildren with a taxi service makes them feel let down then they are going to be in for some major dissapointments in life!

They need to ditch the self-pity me-me-me attitude that they have been allowed to cultivate and brace themselves for all the pratfalls that the future will most certainly deliver.

Oh yes, it will......

Coco51 Fri 26-May-17 12:21:20

I think people who depend on us forget that as we are getting older it is just not possible to maintain a level of activity that we used to or as much as we would like.
My brother and sister have condemned me because I didn't visit our mother in hospital - and have refused to pay the legacy she left to me because I didn't visit our mother in hospital (I visited subsequently when conditions were different) which at the time would have been 4-6 hour drive each way. I'm a blue badge holder with mobility problems and severe pain, and it simply was beyond my physical capacity to make the round trip, not to mention the rather dire financial straits I was experiencing.
The spite generated has been extremely hurtful, as I am sure you feel about your situation. It's not the first time I've been castigated when I've helped, to the best of my ability but falling short of expectations.

It just goes to show how unreasonable people can be when you are unable to fall in with their wishes. Explain your reasons to your relatives and tell them they might at least have had the decency to speak to you face-to-face. If they continue to be unreasonable you have to decide whether you want to stay quiet under a damocles sword or tell them their behaviour is not acceptable