DD and SIL splitting up

Grandma. Hi honey my ex left me after 24 years. My DM was as supportive as she could considering how ill she was. She unfortunately died in the middle of it. It will be hard but there's light afterwards, it will get worse before it gets better but divorce is so common now. All my DD's friends are from single parent families and all mums. I can honestly say they have got through it fine.

All my sympathy*GrandmaL*. I've got this too, but the other way around.. My DS ands DIL are on the verge of splitting up and it's just so sad after 30 years.

Lisalou , thank you xx

GrandmaL, it is so hard for you. I can imagine you don't want to speak to anyone about it. It sort of makes it even more real. At least it would appear that your DD and SIL are sensible and are keeping things civilised, which is certainly best for the little boy. Stay strong xx

Oh so sad nanKate, how are they all now?
My GS hasn't been told yet, but the house has now sold and they are buying separate places. And SIL has a new partner already, so still some very big changes and adjustments ahead.
And I still can't bring myself to talk to anyone but my husband about it.

I’m glad things are better GrandmaL.

In two weeks time when my DS comes back from a business trip he and my DinL are going to tell our two GSs 5 and 7 of the impending marriage breakup. I feel sick with worry at how they will react. I just want to hold them in my arms and protect them. I know other families get through this trauma but it is still so stressful. We will get all the fallout on Mothering Sunday.

I am grateful for the GN support, I know this isn't a unique situation sadly but I was so glad to tell someone! It's a few months on now, and luckily communication with our DD has improved, and although sometimes things are difficult our DD and SIL seem to be communicating too. They are still living together but have just decided to sell their house and move separately. And share care of DGS , who thankfully so far doesn't seem to be affected. We aren't naive enough to think that's it, and there won't be difficult times ahead, but things are looking a lot better than a few months ago.

I'm sorry. I know from experience how difficult this is. My daughter had a 3 year old and a 2 week old baby! She is now very happily remarried but I remember how heartbreaking the early days were. It's so hard not to voice what you think of the SIL but good advice to stay neutral, especially in front of your grandson.
They will come through it their way and all you can do is be there to support.

The advice here is good and I wish I'd read it before mouthing off at my (lying cheating) d-i-l's mother. She said I was taking sides - I said "You're right there" before providing the many reasons in emotional tones. Now she's not speaking to me and nor is d-i-l.
Definitely good advice to just keep out of it and shut up, however hard it is to watch your son broken-hearted and two tiny children not understanding.

I haven't had a chance to answer again, but for those interested things between my DD and SIL seem civil but she is determined to leave at some point, won't really talk about it though, and I still feel it's a ticking time bomb ( maybe I'm too pessimistic ). We are continuing to support or DGS as much as we can, but feel disappointed that our DD seems unwilling to try any kind of communication or counselling ( my SIL says he is just giving her time but they can't continue like this forever)
I haven't yet spoken to any of my friends or family except my husband about this so I really value the chance to put this down on Gransnet!

Thank you Starlady. My daughter is GDs main carer and the ex partner has contact but often lets down and we have to fill the gaps. If I 'upset' him, the 'pay back' would be financial. They were not married so my DD is entitled to very little from him in the eyes of the law.

Bluebell and Nannapat, I'm sorry about your situations, also. So hard to be "so close" to the scene and yet "so far."

Nanna, I'm glad you manage to stay civil to sil. It must hurt so much that he cheated on dd. If my sil did that to dd, I know it would be hard to me to speak to him, at all, let alone civilly. But you're in front of gd, so you need to keep calm for her sake, of course. Also, there's the danger that he would refuse to bring her to you if the two of you had a row or something.

Poor GS! It must be tense in the house - he will probably be relieved in a way when one parent or the other moves out. All you can do, imo, is show him lots of love and affection when you see him (you probably already do) and focus on him, not dd and her marriage problems (which she won't talk about, anyway).

Since she "won't talk about it," please don't bring it up. Chances are, you won't really want to hear what went wrong, anyhow. If you respect her boundary, eventually, she might feel comfortable enough to open up to you. Time alone will tell, etc.

A dreadfully sad situation to be sure, GrandmaL and I empathise. Where there are grandchildren then really one has to be civil - and not speak ill of the other parent. Believe me it can be challenging. Our DD's partner left her 2 years ago, 4 months before they were due to be married and DGD was 10 months old. There was (still is) someone else, although he denied it for 6 months. He has regular contact, brings her to me on Fridays when I care for her, so my ability to remain civil is tested regularly. We may be polite but will never forgive.

GrandmaL the same is happening for me I was told by my youngest a few weeks ago and at the same time told not to bring it up as she didn't want to discuss it at all, so I haven't, but it's a big ole elephant in the room as I skirt round it ....they are still living in the same house three children in their young teens but no little ones thankfully I only get phone conversations as they live away but I m visiting in July for a weekend so wonder how it will all seem then

You are doing all you can do GrandmaL. Hope things improve. Hugs

Unfortunately I'm more in the dark than ever about my DD and SIL , she won't talk about it, both still in the same house but seems to be no communication between them either. By saying things will get worse I think I mean it's got to blow up or unravel at some point, maybe heal over but it doesn't feel like if now. I'm so concerned how this will all affect my GS but we are just trying to continue to be normal and supportive with it all!

It's a sad situation, imo, even when it really is for the better - sad that things were bad enough to get to that point. So I feel for all those going through it.

"I can't make sense of it but I know it's not my life"

And there are probably details you don't know and don't need to know. So no point in even trying to "make sense of it."

I don't know why you expect things to "get worse," though, unless you do have some idea of what went wrong or you're just drawing on general impressions of divorce. I don't blame you for bracing yourself, jic. But please don't make any assumptions. It could go better - or yes, worse - than you expect. And none of it directly impacts you, unless it affects how often you see dgs.

Beyond that, imo, most of the advice here is excellent. Please just be loving and supportive and don't get dragged in the middle.

We are facing a similar situation, but can't say we are heartbroken. As far as I know there has been no cheating on either side, but our daughter is unhappy (affable but lazy and unsupportive SIL) and soldiering on 'for the sake of the children' Were they to separate I have no doubt that SIL would continue his loving relationship with the GC and daughter would be in better health. As for the effect on the GC, we would help them through it. As a child I experienced the trauma of my father walking out on us - I got over it (with no-one to talk to about it) and dread to think what would have happened if my parents had stayed together. Marriage breakdown is sad, but it doesn't have to be a tragedy.

Just a thought but it might help your DD to know the person who asks for the divorce has control. My XH cheated on me and it helped me to be the one in control of the divorce.

I'm sorry for everyone going through this. Our SIL cheated on DD when pregnant with their second child. It's been hard on the children and the 3 year old started bed wetting when his father left. I hate him and all that he's done to my daughter - he moved out when the baby was a week old leaving her to cope with 3 children. His family give no support and It's hard for us as the only GPs to do babysitting etc but it's their loss as someone else has said. DD is strong capable woman who refused to let the LCB (lying cheating bastard) - my name for him - ruin her life. Two years later she has a new wonderful partner who is doing very well adapting to her children. We never imagined she'd be this happy again when it all happened. Ive made sure never to let the DGC know how I feel about the LCB as once early on I said to the 3 year old that daddy was 'naughty' for leaving - his reaction of horror at this criticism surprised me. I apologised and have never said anything ever again. He loves his father and the bed wetting has almost stopped so I support the relationship and keep my awful thoughts to myself - love that curse though ???

Hi grandmaL,I am sorry to read about your situation,I have been waiting for this topic to be covered about 3 weeks ago my daughter dropped the bombshell on us that she wanted to leave her husband of 27years and two beautiful boys we are totally devasted and I can't stop crying ,we thought they were so happy ,we love our son-in-law to bits and want to support him and the boys but of course our daughter is our world ,I just don't know how to handle this all I am trying to support her all I can but feel so useless ,I would be glad of any advice from mothers and fathers who have been through this desperate situation.i hope knowing that other people care will help you and your husband get through this awful time.sorry I cannot offer any help but am thinking of you.???

Think about making grandchild your emotional priority. I promised my son and daughter in law that I would ask no questions, and I haven't.

My DM has been through the breakup of both her DDs marriage and LTR (me). There were no young children involved, but grown up children struggle as well - my DS's . DM has just been there to listen to us and give us as much support as she can muster. She's also helped out financially, wasn't asked, but gave generously. Her heart was broken both times, but what could she do. She couldn't change things, but just be there for us, to listen to us when we were very down and very tearful and I'm so glad she was/is.

I have also been in the same situation with Dil and son, I have tried very hard to keep everything as normal for the GC(7 and 9) as I look after them a lot. My dil who has decided that she wants her own life and offered no other explanation, I find it very hard to understand, especially when my GS cries and I have to comfort him . We have always supported her and been there even when her own parents weren't. The children are confused and upset but hopefully with the support of my son and us they will get through it. Just be there for your DD and GC as we are for our DS and GC. All the advice everyone has given is good and will get you though this difficult time.