Gransnet forums


DD and SIL splitting up

(69 Posts)
GrandmaL Mon 05-Jun-17 10:29:55

I've read GN lots and lots but never have written, but just feel compelled to reach out to someone, as I can't speak in person to anyone but my husband about this at the moment.
My DD and SIL are splitting up. One DGS aged 4. I can't make sense of it but I know it's not my life. I know lots of you have been through this, how can I cope.?
I am heartbroken. (just found out yesterday)

MawBroon Mon 05-Jun-17 10:35:41

All I can say is how sorry I am in so many ways. We hope our children will be "happy ever after", we grow to love their partners (usually) and we worry about our grandchildren when a marriage breaks down.
Your patience, stability and support will be more necessary than ever.
If it is truly irrevocable, keep strong for them. flowers

Luckygirl Mon 05-Jun-17 10:36:35

How very sad - a very difficult time for you all. You will be worried for the future. Do they live nearby?

I think it is important to try not to take sides; it is not always a matter of fault, but incompatibility. If you can stay civil to both sides, then this will help to set the right tone for your DGS.

Your role will be as a rock in the changing world around your DGS. Grandparents can be very important in this situation.

I know that you will be worried, but please remember that this is sadly an everyday occurrence, and if your DD and SIL can keep their relations cordial and civilised, then everyone will pick up the threads of their lives and live on to enjoy life - just in a slightly different way.

kittylester Mon 05-Jun-17 10:45:08

This has happened to our youngest daughter and she is so much happier now (as are we!) but, as Lucky said, please try not to take sides. It is very difficult as we are hurt for our children but now their child must take precedence.

You are probably in for a rocky ride but stay strong and keep talking to us. flowers

tanith Mon 05-Jun-17 10:49:07

'Luckygirl' said everything I was going to say, I'm sorry your family are going through this but they will need your support.. take

annsixty Mon 05-Jun-17 11:00:25

Both my C are separated with one divorced. It is heartbreaking for all. One GD was under 2 and it didn't affect her so much. She is 18 now and she and her father ( my S ) don't have much of a relationship but we have a wonderful relationship with her because we worked very hard at it.
My other 2 GC were 15 and 12 they adored their father and have really suffered from the breakup.
He now lives thousands of miles away with his new love but is in regular contact with them and they go to visit, my GS went for 2 months earlier this year and the both get on well with the partner.
After a difficult time both emotionly and financially my D is now settled but we help out with money so that the GC have a decent life style. We don't think they should go without.
The paternal GP don't have much involvement at all but that is their loss.
It is so hard at first and you will feel bereft but things get easier and you will not always feel as bad as you do now.

Nanabilly Mon 05-Jun-17 11:01:14

It's horrible isn't it?
Our son split from his partner a year ago and it's been very worrying and difficult not to take sides. A year on and they have dealt with it well and get along fine now ,even if it's only to talk about grandson who is 3 and he got through it all very well.
We all wish it had worked out with a fairy tale ending but the couple involved are happy enough and settled into their new lives now and we should be grateful for that I suppose.
Try not to make yourself ill with worry but it's not easy some days. Just be there for them if any of them need to talk but stay out of any nastiness if there is any . If it's an amicable split they may avoid it but when it comes down to money there may be ..just stay out of it , listen but don't give your opinion if you can help it as it may come back to bite you on the bum.

downsized Mon 05-Jun-17 11:05:02

My heart aches for you. It's such a sad situation. It is very hard to accept that our children are grown and we must accept their choices whether we like it or not.

I have been through this three times, once with DD1 and twice with DD2. I cried so much I didn't think I had any tears left but life moves on and we just try to make the best of it. I really can empathise with how you must be feeling and send you ((hugs)) and flowers

Nelliemoser Mon 05-Jun-17 11:10:50

GrandmaL That is very sad but it happens a lot.
There is a lot of wisdom from other posters already on here,
and you will find good advice and support. (((hugs)))

angelab Mon 05-Jun-17 11:10:56

I separated from my ex H when our daughter was a baby and the unquestioning support of my mother was invaluable - I can't imagine how I would have coped without it. So please, as other posters have said, stay neutral and be there for your DGD for love and stability, but I know your DD will value your support - not taking sides, being a loving parent to your DD. GL to all of you.

Liz46 Mon 05-Jun-17 11:20:25

We are going through the same thing and have noted what you say about not falling out with my (unfaithful, arrogant and ****) SIL. My OH has made many suggestions including stabbing him in the throat! This has made us feel very slightly better.

My SIL will be moving out in a few days leaving his 10 year old and 8 year old. The idiot had everything - a lovely home, funny and clever wife and two beautiful children. Obviously something went wrong but he has caused chaos by having an affair.

PamelaJ1 Mon 05-Jun-17 11:28:48

When our SIL left our daughter when she was 7 months pregnant we hated him.
We supported our DD and DGS when he came along but, thank goodness, never vocalised our feelings about The ___ to our DD. They are now reunited and seem to be a happy family. We haven't forgiven but neither of them know that I hope.

harrigran Mon 05-Jun-17 11:33:56

I can not even begin to imagine how sad you must feel, just be the stable rock in the middle flowers

ninathenana Mon 05-Jun-17 12:18:51

Our D has been seperated from her husband for 4 yrs now (he won't sort the divorce). Our situation is different in that we both feel D is better of without him, so we weren't upset by the split at the time. (Things have happened since then) I do agree that it's best to keep neutral. I have always been outwardly pleasant to my GC father for the sake of the boys.

kittylester Mon 05-Jun-17 12:39:20

Liz46, there is a brilliant curse for that sort of SiL somewhere - done by phoenix. Hopefully someone can point you in the right direction. It made us howl with laughter which did help.

Hopefully, the SiL in this thread will be more honourable than The Idiot, your Sil, nina's and, no doubt, many others. And Dil to be fair.

harrigran Mon 05-Jun-17 12:54:03

Curse coming up :-
Double Hubble, toil and trouble,
make his botty boil and bubble
make his piles and scrotum itch
give his eye a nasty twitch
make his skin erupt and ooze
make him allergic to all booze
give him herpes, give him sores
whenever he goes out of doors
Wish all foul things fall from above
for hurting you and those you love.

cornergran Mon 05-Jun-17 12:54:24

I'm so sorry grandmai, it truly is heartbreaking and you must still be shocked by it. Assuming thre has been no unforgiveable behaviour if you can manage to be neutral and keep a relationship going with them both it can only help, both now and in the future. It will also help your grandson. Children are very resilient and with love from you all he will come through it. Are they at the point of a decision? I wondered if they had considered whether couple counselling could help, particularly around communication. Its not for everyone, but there is a place for it if both people are open to it. If it helps do keep talking to us here, theres always someone to listen and as you will have seen many people have had the same experience.

ninathenana Mon 05-Jun-17 13:45:50

Thanks harrigran always good to see that again grin

Lynker Mon 05-Jun-17 13:46:35

My husband left me with 2 small parents were my rocks. They listened endlessly to my rants and dried my endless tears....I remember my father telling me that 'children are resilient' and we would make sure they were okay (and we did). His first concern was getting me back on track (and they did). I couldn't have managed without them. Just be there for your daughter....she will need you. I wish you all well...this too will pass.

Christinefrance Mon 05-Jun-17 14:06:16

GrandmaL so sorry for your family its such a difficult time for everyone. Think its all been said by luckygirl and others. Stay neutral support your daughter and granddaughter, we are all stronger than we think. Bon courage.

trisher Mon 05-Jun-17 14:26:55

GrandmaL it happens in so many families these days but that doesn't make the heartache and the grief any easier to bear. I would say that it is important that your DD and SIL come through this able to both parent their DS and at least communicate. You are probably at the lowest point now, given time things will improve. My DS and his partner split up over 12 years ago with a DS almost 2. They are now both remarried DGS is 14 has a half sister at his mums and a half sister and brother at his dads. He seems to cope remarkably well with everything. Just spread the love to everyone you can and hope they get through.
And Harrigran a curse may be funny to you but for those trying to deal with family problems it really doesn't help.

Liz46 Mon 05-Jun-17 15:05:08

GrandmaL, it's probably best for us to vent here in safety. Thank you so much for finding that poem harrigran. It will be copied and passed to my lovely daughter when safe to do so.

I did get an email from her saying karma had started to happen and he had been struck down by a nasty bug. My OH suggested that when he starts to feel better she could offer him a sandwich and lace it with laxative. These daft little things make it slightly easier for a moment.

Lona Mon 05-Jun-17 15:24:20

GrandmaL, my ds and (cheating) dil split eighteen months ago, when my dgd was 4. I never changed towards my dil and we are still very civil with each other. I grind my teeth in private!
My ds and dil have worked out a rota, and although my ds was terribly hurt, our priority was for his little girl to have as little upset as possible.
She is now as happy as can be expected, while being passed from one home to another.
I find it dreadfully sad that she is never 100% happy because she is always missing the other parent.
We've done our best though and that's all you can do.
Good luck flowers

KatyK Mon 05-Jun-17 15:29:48

Our DD and SIL were all set to split up a couple of years ago. Solicitors were discussed and who had what etc. We were devastated. However, it didn't happen thankfully. They talked things through and stayed together. flowers for you.

Liz46 Mon 05-Jun-17 15:55:04

angelab, thanks for that advice and to all the other who told me to stay civil to Idiot. I am sure you are right. When DD and SIL told their children, the 10 year old looked at her mum and said 'I think you need to go and see Nana'.

Please let us know how you are doing GrandmaL and let off steam safely on here.

A copy of the curse is on its way to DD with a copy to her sister too!