First grandchild due - any advice welcome

Someone gave me The New Granny's Survival Guide (published by Gransnet). It's great.

Restrain yourself and don't step in unless asked, and tell her that's what you are going to do so she knows it's not disinterest.
Try not to reminisce too often about how you used to do things - especially if it was different to daughter's method. BUT make a joke about things you did that went wrong.
No new Mum wants to feel they are not being a good Mum so be supportive and don't criticise.
Congrats all round, enjoy being a gran.

Congrats! For me, never having had my own, my DGD is my stepson's, but I have been in the family for 25yrs.

So I didn't know what was needed, although I was experienced with my niece and nephews in the 1970s. I let my DIL lead as she attended a mum to be group where there were experienced mothers along with first timers. She wanted to get everything 'right', especially for when the health visitor came after DGD was born. She was doing all by the book, or apps I should say.

Went along with all of it, then I noticed she relaxed a lot of things as DGD came up to 10 mos and mum went back to work. She admitted that she was not sure of herself and once she got the hang of things, she was more open and not so rigid any longer.

I can buy clothes, books, etc. Usually for next size up as it happens so fast and catches mum off guard to realise DGD has suddenly outgrown things. I do ask about her interests (which change, even starting as an infant!) so as to avoid duplications or things that will be put away unused.

Don't forget VOUCHERS are brilliant for clothes, and other things. And don't forget DD... she needs some attention, too! She will be so tired and will appreciate any pampering or convenience-saving ideas or items you can come up with (and afford).

If you ask for advice, then..... discuss with the other in laws in good time what names you want to be called, and be sure to do this well in advance of the birth. Don't try to influence your children in re the name of the baby as this will only cause tension. Make sure your freezer is full of meals that they like to eat that you can provide on a daily basis for the new parents and deliver food and whatever they need when they need it. Buy basic baby items and store them at your home, they'll need them, not fancy stuff, nappies, vests, etc. Etc. Don't get in their hair, and let them make their own mistakes, but be as available as you can. Hard when working full time or living at a distance. And mostly enjoy!

I agree with all the comments here. I went to DDs every day after DGS1 was born to take him for a walk so she could get some rest. Provided meals so she didn't have to cook and was just there for her. When she was able to go out with SIL I babysat and offered to have DGS overnight when he was 3 months old so they could have some time together. Just so it fitted in with her routine, I asked her for a timetable of when he ate, drank, slept, etc (fortunately, he settled into a routine at a very early age). We never had any problems, I always offered rather than pushed them into helping out. When DGS2 was born 12 months later (maybe I shouldn't have had DGS1 at 3 months ) I was able to help every day in 'Witching Hour' whilst she spent time with DGS1 so he didn't feel left out.

My DS and DIL are expecting their first baby girl in October and I said the only bit of advice I would give them would be to get into a routine from the start. Fortunately, her mum had already suggested the same. We're going to see them in Australia in November for 5 weeks so I'll need to stick to my own advice and, again, just 'Be There' so she can concentrate on the baby and rest when she can. Oh, and make myself scarce if she wants time to herself!

Good luck, hepzibar and many congratulations - your life will never be the same and your heart will expand to a size you never dreamed possible.

Congrats, just enjoy and be there when needed, support rather than advice.

Some good advice here. I would add - always ask... when planning to buy presents, visit etc and dont be offended/upset if the answer is no. Its so easy to become stifling/ controlling with the best of intentions. My mum came for a fortnight every time I had a baby ( my husband had no maternity leave) but my daughter who I get on well with said they wanted to be on their own at first (while her husband was there) so i respected that though secretly disappointed. However after a few days w on her own when he went back to work she asked if she and baby could come to our house for a week or so!

Maybe instead of buying baby clothes and bits sometimes buy the new mum /mummy to be a gift ..a pampering item . I know lots of them use the bio oil to help prevent stretch marks and aids the tummy bouncing back to its normal elasticity and it's not cheap. See if a local spa does a pregnancy day package , I know my local eden hall does. New mummy or mummy to be may just be delighted she is not forgotten in all of this too.

Only advice you need... Enjoy it Congratulations

When first GC on way told not to knit or buy anything. Saw GD for fifteen minutes when two weeks old then not till one year old then not till two and half when S and DIL called for ten minutes with G S, for months old, first time seeing. Was not allowed to cuddle baby or child. Didn't get excited at birth of second GC. Don't suppose will need again for months. They do live close.her parents mind GC and babysit. I have had mental health issues which I think causes this but have been well for many many years.

From what you say you sound like a great Mum and have a solid relationship with your DD and DSIL. I suspect that you're well informed of modern practices since you've been on MN.
I've found with my DIL that being encouraging is the singular best thing you can do. I regularly tell her that I think she's doing great. She takes great comfort from that, especially when she feels a little 'down'.
I understand the wanting to buy everything ?. It's such an exciting time. However, just by the questions you've asked, and the great advice you've been given here, I personally feel you're going to be a great GM. Hope you enjoy every precious moment.

Congratulations to you all. ?

'What can I do to help' is what I say and just do as I am told.

Exciting news for all of you best wishes to all.

Enjoy, enjoy. They say you love your children but you're in love with your GC and I've found that true. We have 5 and another one expected year end but even talking about them makes my tummy flip
I agree about holding tongue on advice. . . .although when DD2 had her first when she was a very organised professional and made it clear to me that she knew what she was doing. . . . . In the middle of the night early days (when we'd been asked to stay) DGD had filled her nappy from the neck to the feet and DD sighed and said now what do I do? I said "wet wipes?" She said "they're not advised sub 3 months" I stopped myself from laughing and said well, shall we use one just this once? Baby clean with the flick of a wrist (what did we do without wipes?), dressed warmly and back to bed. Nothing more was said but I suspect she bought shares in wet wipes soon after! Lol!

Oh thank you so much for all these replies - am overwhelmed. They are making me get all emotional

Nanna58 thanks for the 'Cook' idea - I will definately do that for them, because I can't cook them meal from here!

I think that the distance is the thing that is worrying me the most. She has a lovely DH who is taking 6 weeks paternity leave, so I know she won't be on her own. But I won't be able to give the support that had from my Dp's, and that makes me a bit sad. I can go down at weekends and we will probably stay in a hotel or Airbnb nearby.

Been out this morning with my DM supposedly to buy holiday clothes but couldn't resist a little outfit

All good advice, especially about not giving advice!

I used to obey all my daughter's instructions and have a photo of me showing my three month old GD the instructions (two foolscap sheets!) that her mother had left and telling my GD that she was not following the rules.

Nowadays, my daughter leaves us with her two children, saying 'they behave differently for you, so just do what you think right'.

Just enjoy it Hepzibar.

Some really good advice (as usual on GN). I would say take your lead from "Mum", I bought a lot for DD when she had DGS1 because they were really hard up & struggled to buy pram & cot. We spent a week with DD as she had an emergency c section, we lived 70 miles away. DD was in Hospital for 4 days & needed us to do Hospital & shopping transport (DD's OH doesn't drive). We had 1 day when we went out & left them to it at DD's insistance.

DGS2 was born 5 weeks ago, I now live 10 miles away so I was on hand for Hospital transport, this time DD had a natural birth, I went over 2 days after DD & DGS2 came home to take her OH shopping & left it as "I'm here if you need me". I did take DGS out for a treat on his own to make him feel special. I've made it very clear I won't interfere, I gave them some vouchers before DGS2 was born & bought baby swing that they wanted plus a few clothes & special first soft toy.

Enjoy your new arrival when he makes his appearance

Congratulation, just be there for them, when they need you.

Don't become overbearing. Remember that whatever way they choose to discipline their child is their business and also show your support by reinforcing their boundaries and rules regarding their kids. Love your grandchildren but not in a "too bits" kind of way. Be supportive, encouraging, a new parent could hear a few good positive comments every now and then (because we all do try our best by sometimes we feel as if we're failing), remember that it is your grandchild not YOUR child. Enjoy the time you get to spend with them. Tell your SIL often how proud you are of all his efforts (Dad's often get brushed off).

Hepzibar my mum was a long way from me when I had my 3 DSs, the best thing she ever did was come to stay for a week after each birth. She left the baby to me but took over all the household things and later the other children. She did take the baby when I needed to have a bath etc and it was only after she left that I realised how lucky I had been. Would your daughter want you to stay and help out? If the dad has paternity leave she might welcome you when he goes back to work. Just go with what she wants. I'm lucky to have my DIL very near and by baby no 2 she trusted me completely knowing I would do things exactly as she wanted, sometimes you can offer a word of advice but it's best to wait until you're asked.
Enjoy your GC. It's a very special relationship.

Congratulations! Being a Granny is wonderful - all the things you wished you had done with your own but didn't have time etc. - another chance now. Enjoy!

How exciting! It's one of the best things in the world to have grandchildren. We are so lucky that our two live only minutes away, (we moved here after son-in-law left) and we have a wonderful relation ship with them both. Although it wasn't part of our 'grand plan' to move here we wouldn't have it any other way.

Enjoy every minute, they bring so much love with them.

If you go to visit your daughter in hospital, go to her first, ask her how she is before looking at baby. She is still your baby.

Something else Ive just temembered - when my first baby would not stop crying And I got very stressed my mother took him put in the pram for a walk and i found myself sliwly unwinding , relaxing and catching up on sleep. She returned with him fast asleep . I fidnt do exactly that but with all my GC i gave stayed when they were 2or3 weeks old and taken them downstairs in the night (after they were fed & changed ) and got them to sleep in my arms so the parents could sleep. It's a wonderful feeling cuddling a sleeping baby in a silent house in the wee small hours! I was of course careful not to fall askeep with them in my arms and after a while put them down in a carry cot/pram/moses basket but stayed downstairs to soothe if necessary. All the parents needed sleep desperately and I could cope as it was only for a few days and i could nap in the day too.

Sorry sbout all the typos - must remember to preview!

Please don't take offence if she doesn't parent like you did. It's no time an insult. She's a different woman and this is a different baby.

Just listen. I call my mum multiple times a week. And sometimes it's just for nothing. I could be walking around the house while we chit chat. Being a mum can sometimes be one of the loneliest things in the world. I love she lets me just waste her time.

Don't clean unless asked. People spontaneously cleaning my house is rage inducing.

Please for the love of God don't over buy. She's the one who has to deal with all the crap.

She might look a mess. Her house might be a mess. The baby may be a mess.
Don't mention anything. Just try and put a smile on and tell her she looks good.

Don't worry. Contrary to all the posts on here and MN there are billions of perfectly functioning adult relationships that we never hear of.
Yes. At some point you probably will annoy her. And she will annoy you. But you will be OK.