my grandaughter

My son used to take amounts of money from me in his teens. It was part of some very unacceptable adolescent behaviour from him which worried his father and I greatly.

One day the cleaner's money (in a sealed envelaope with her name on it) disappeared and I accused him of taking it. To my great embarrassment he denied taking it and I found I had thrown it into the recycling myself. He seemed to stop taking cash after this horrible incident.

I think that taking money is not uncommon. It isn't good but it isn't the worst thing to happen if it can be dealt with.

I would advise mentioning the issue. Don't bury it and say nothing or the child might do it again. The theft might be related to some bigger issue like drugs or depression and this needs to be uncovered. If it is theft for 'stuff' and extra pocket money this needs to be addressed too as a known thief is unemployable and your GC needs to know this.

What a nice bunch of people you are - too nice in my opinion

Stealing from a older family member constitutes Adult Financial Abuse.

I would tell her that something has been stolen from the house and you are calling the police. And do it. Stealing is wrong, no matter who does it and they will think twice about doing it if you deal with it properly the first time.

There is no excuse for stealing from family - disgusting behaviour

Legray22 that does seem a rather extreme response to an apparent first offence to a member of the family aged 21, and with little other background information!

no!

I do think it's quite common for youngsters to steal, especially from trusting family members who leave money around. My grandson has, over the last few years, stolen from us and his Dad all because of drugs. We now know not to leave money around as the temptation might be too great. He has now been off heroine for about nine months and is gradually getting his life back together, but we are not complacent! We have never stopped him coming to us, in fact he has often lived with us when trying to get clean. I know longer feel disappointed in his actions, just sad but drug addition overcomes a sense of what is right or wrong.

Some very good ideas which I am sure will help people.

I'm very sad for you Eileen. IngeJones suggests a drug problem but there are obviously many other reasons for stealing. I wonder if she used to ask her father for money when she needed it, as now he has gone and she has nobody to ask? We don't know OP's granddaughter's living situation, if she is supporting herself on a low income she might need cash, help or advice. Eileen doesn't tell us whether she stole money or something else. Perhaps £10 was not enough for her. We don't know if it was simply opportunistic theft of cash or whether she searched the house for something she could sell?

I know that my grown up children sometimes need help and I happily give it if it is justified. Living and supporting yourself if tough when you are young.

Brilliant advice from Synonymous

Depending on what was actually stolen (we don't know ?) this could have been an act of sheer desperation on your granddaughters behalf eileen66 which I know does not excuse the theft but people can do strange,out of character things when they are cornered. Again (depending on what was stolen and assuming you have absolute proof of the theft) I would have to get to the bottom of it myself rather than involving a third party at this stage . Is it possible you could ask your GD if she saw "it" on her last visit ? Perhaps ask her if she will help you look for "it"? Then you might be able to gauge a reaction ? Again all depending on what "it" is.

eileen I am so sorry that you find yourself in such an unhappy situation. Are you absolutely sure and, if it is cash, do you know exactly how much?
I think if I were you I would just ring up and ask how much it was that you had actually given her. Tell her that you were thinking about her and her difficulties and had wondered if you could give her a bit more. but when you went to your purse to work out if you could afford to give her anything more you found that you had less than you thought for your own commitments. It will do no harm to lt her know that you have to carefully budget for everything and that you notice how much cash there is in your purse. At the very least she will hopefully not do it again.
You need to encourage her to open up to you about her circumstances and just how things are with her. If she not been taught to budget perhaps you could offer to teach her. If she did take something from you then you need to make sure that it cannot happen again for both your sakes.

Gillybob your post brought tears to my eyes, and what kind and wise grandparents you had. Hope your experience can be shared for your own grandchildren or other children, to help them if tempted.

No legray, they're not an excuse, but she's still a young person capable of rehabilitation and so this theft might be a timely heads up to see if the family can put their heads together to help her.

Rejection, anger, poverty, drugs; they are not an excuse for stealing! I would inform her father. Don't let her in again! Meet her on neutral ground. If all else fails, involve the police.

It could be a sign she has a drug problem. Once a person is in the grip of addiction, their previous morals sadly have to take second place to their need of a drug supply. See if you can work with her parents to get that checked out, it could save her future.

My cousin's wife stole from my gran, and also from my mother. My mother's purse was found in the canal later. It was a symptom of something more serious, kleptomania rather than need. She had spent money they didn't have behind her husband's back on holidays and all sorts. It broke up the marriage.

This happened to me, but my granddaughter is only 11, 21 is a very different. Stealing is usually a symptom of something much bigger going on. Yes it hurts but bigger than that is the confusion as to why, what is going on and what needs to be done. When it happened to me I addressed it, head on I let my grand daughter know how let down I felt.I told her parents, I told her she needed to regain my trust but I also let her know I loved her still and I was always there for her. For my granddaughter this is a stage but at 21 it might be a bigger problem or she might be feeling rejected and angry, no excuse of course but people behave in ways they might not when they are low. Its very difficult to respond on such little details but I just wanted you to know others have been there and I don't think you should ignore it. Good luck

I am so sorry this has happened to you,it also happened to me
My grandson wanted to borrow some money from me,
Then all of a sudden he said its ok, i had gone into the kitchen to make him a drink
I opened my purse to get him some money anyway and as i knew i only had change from a £20 note,i realised i had only a £5 note ,
I asked him outright, and he denied it, his friend was with him, so i knew it was one of them, but they were both there
I let it go, but told him i knew
I didnt have him in for a while, then decided it wasnt worth falling out over
Months later i actually caught him with £80 in his hand,from some money i had saved upstairs, i had thought more than once i should have had more, but put it down to me forgetting hOw much i had used myself
Apparently, he had been using the excuse of going to the toilet and sneaking into my room,
This particular time i thought he was a long time,so went upstairs to the bathroom, the door was open, so i went into my room and there he was caught redhanded
I didnt have him in again for about 2 years
I recently found out was for drugs
He is quite ill now,due to the drugs, and i have let him back,hes not on drugs now,and having counselling, but they have messed him up, he is paying me back at so much a week, but he isnt allowed out of my sight
Its one of the worst betrayals
OP i would try to find out why your grand daughter had stolen from you, i think she must have been desperate
I hope you can repair this rift between you

When I was about 12-13 I stole a 50p piece from my grandma . There were a pile of coins lying on the side and I helped myself . My friends always had money and I very rarely did. (No excuse I know) . I went home with the 50p burning in my hand and couldn't live with myself for days . I never spent the 50p ( I would have choked on whatever sweeties I had bought with it anyway) and couldn't wait to put it back the following weekend . Obviously 1 week on there was no pile of coins for me to slip it into and panicking I told my grandma I had found it on the floor and gave it to her . She thanked me ( somehow I thought she knew ?) and when I left on the Sunday to go home she handed me 50p and said "grandad and I have been chatting and we have decided to start giving you pocket money every week, starting today " She handed me 50p . I remember crying with shame on the bus home .

So sorry Eileen, how painful for you. Do talk to her - this cannot be left to fester as it will spoil the relationship between you. Why not assume that it has been lost/tidied away as Gill has suggested, and ask her if she has seen it? This might clear up the problem instantly, or prompt her to tell you what is wrong and why she has taken it .

I agree that you should call her on it, maybe by letter if you can't face it in person. The advice you've been given so far is really sound.

This is a LOT more common than you think. Children steal from parents... sneak a pound coin out of a purse (eg not from change laying around on a dresser... from IN the purse meaning it was opened to explore to get it).

It can start as young as 6 or 7 years old. There are many reasons. Pressure from peers to get 'stuff' they don't have the money for. To 'get back' at someone they feel is not paying them the right attention or to punish them if they are feeling unjustly punished. Or out of insecurity... a way of controlling a chaotic life by achieving the theft.

BUT... at age 21? She sounds more desperate. Drugs? Alcohol? Debt? Something that would exceed her feelings for you?

A good talk is in order. If she realises you can listen, she might be forthcoming. Hopefully you have a good relationship and this is out of character. If not out of character... look at some of the above possible reasons. Your money was 'available' and she likely knows you would not make a fuss.

Sorry to be grim, but my youngest nephew did this to almost all of us adults in the family from his teen years on. He's the one who committed suicide in the end. He was very very troubled. We did not know how troubled he was as he hid it for a long time.
He also stole from others not in the family.

Your granddaughter needs help now!

(((Hugs!)))

But are you sure? I thing Gill has given you great advice.

If it's clear gd stole from you, I would avoid having her in my home again. If you want to see her, meet up somewhere else and don't bring anything of value with you, unless you plan to give it to her.

What did she steal?

Harsh accusation to make. Are you certain? Not misplaced or tidied away somewhere? Why not ask your granddaughter if she has seen whatever the 'stolen ' item is? This will alert her to the fact that you have noticed and may give her an opportunity to admit theft/tell you where she saw the item. Is it really worth risking the relationship with your DGD and your son?

It is tempting to run away from a situation like this because dealing with it is so hard, but if she stole once and nobody says anything and there are no repercussions, she will steal again.

You do not say what the value of the money or item she stole was but when thefts like this happen, it is usually to fund a drug habit.

You need to contact her, possibly write, to tell her what is missing and that you think she took it when she visited. Tell her how much you care for her and if she is struggling to make ends meet she should tell you and perhaps you can help her in some way. Do not offer money at this stage.

If she comes to you, returns the object and explains why she took it then discuss how you can help her. If you decide to offer money NEVER offer more than you can afford and offer it for a limited time only. If drugs are the problem, make sure further meet ups are in a cafe of similar public place, where you can afford to buy her a decent meal (which she will probably need), but where she cannot steal from you.

Never ever let her emotionally blackmail you by making further contact dependent on money or favours. Risk the break, she will eventually grow up and understand and you should get her back.