my grandaughter

I am so sorry, you must be so disappointed. And clearly hurt.
Have you asked her about it, or will you not mention it and be sure it never happens again.
My heart goes out to you.

Yes, this is sad. You don´t mention what it is that she stole or what or your relationship with her is. Or, indeed, what her situation is. Is she a troubled young person? Does she visit regularly? Is the son who moved to the US her father and is she also on her own now? My mother used to claim that visitors stole things from her, but the "stolen" items were usually found later because she´d put them somewhere herself. It is quite a strong accusation to accuse someone of stealing. Perhaps, if you are absolutely sure, and you are close to her, you can text her, something along the lines that you noticed that she was not herself and would she like to drop by to talk about it? You say she is in trouble financially, she might have been hoping for more than £10 from her grandmother. It would be good to get this into the open and talk about it. And silly to fall out over it. You may well need her in years to come.

You need to speak to her about it. Nobody should be stealing from anyone and to do it from family when they have given you money as well makes it even worse.

It's horrible to have a loved one steal from a loving parent or grandparent. You don't say what was stolen whether cash or say jewellery,
Is she a regular visitor and do you know if she ever stole from you, her parents or anyone else.
It sounds as though she was pleading poverty and you gave her some cash. One question, of course, is why is she so broke? Do you feel able to ask her.

It is tempting to run away from a situation like this because dealing with it is so hard, but if she stole once and nobody says anything and there are no repercussions, she will steal again.

You do not say what the value of the money or item she stole was but when thefts like this happen, it is usually to fund a drug habit.

You need to contact her, possibly write, to tell her what is missing and that you think she took it when she visited. Tell her how much you care for her and if she is struggling to make ends meet she should tell you and perhaps you can help her in some way. Do not offer money at this stage.

If she comes to you, returns the object and explains why she took it then discuss how you can help her. If you decide to offer money NEVER offer more than you can afford and offer it for a limited time only. If drugs are the problem, make sure further meet ups are in a cafe of similar public place, where you can afford to buy her a decent meal (which she will probably need), but where she cannot steal from you.

Never ever let her emotionally blackmail you by making further contact dependent on money or favours. Risk the break, she will eventually grow up and understand and you should get her back.

Harsh accusation to make. Are you certain? Not misplaced or tidied away somewhere? Why not ask your granddaughter if she has seen whatever the 'stolen ' item is? This will alert her to the fact that you have noticed and may give her an opportunity to admit theft/tell you where she saw the item. Is it really worth risking the relationship with your DGD and your son?

What did she steal?

(((Hugs!)))

But are you sure? I thing Gill has given you great advice.

If it's clear gd stole from you, I would avoid having her in my home again. If you want to see her, meet up somewhere else and don't bring anything of value with you, unless you plan to give it to her.

This is a LOT more common than you think. Children steal from parents... sneak a pound coin out of a purse (eg not from change laying around on a dresser... from IN the purse meaning it was opened to explore to get it).

It can start as young as 6 or 7 years old. There are many reasons. Pressure from peers to get 'stuff' they don't have the money for. To 'get back' at someone they feel is not paying them the right attention or to punish them if they are feeling unjustly punished. Or out of insecurity... a way of controlling a chaotic life by achieving the theft.

BUT... at age 21? She sounds more desperate. Drugs? Alcohol? Debt? Something that would exceed her feelings for you?

A good talk is in order. If she realises you can listen, she might be forthcoming. Hopefully you have a good relationship and this is out of character. If not out of character... look at some of the above possible reasons. Your money was 'available' and she likely knows you would not make a fuss.

Sorry to be grim, but my youngest nephew did this to almost all of us adults in the family from his teen years on. He's the one who committed suicide in the end. He was very very troubled. We did not know how troubled he was as he hid it for a long time.
He also stole from others not in the family.

Your granddaughter needs help now!

I agree that you should call her on it, maybe by letter if you can't face it in person. The advice you've been given so far is really sound.

So sorry Eileen, how painful for you. Do talk to her - this cannot be left to fester as it will spoil the relationship between you. Why not assume that it has been lost/tidied away as Gill has suggested, and ask her if she has seen it? This might clear up the problem instantly, or prompt her to tell you what is wrong and why she has taken it .

When I was about 12-13 I stole a 50p piece from my grandma . There were a pile of coins lying on the side and I helped myself . My friends always had money and I very rarely did. (No excuse I know) . I went home with the 50p burning in my hand and couldn't live with myself for days . I never spent the 50p ( I would have choked on whatever sweeties I had bought with it anyway) and couldn't wait to put it back the following weekend . Obviously 1 week on there was no pile of coins for me to slip it into and panicking I told my grandma I had found it on the floor and gave it to her . She thanked me ( somehow I thought she knew ?) and when I left on the Sunday to go home she handed me 50p and said "grandad and I have been chatting and we have decided to start giving you pocket money every week, starting today " She handed me 50p . I remember crying with shame on the bus home .

I am so sorry this has happened to you,it also happened to me
My grandson wanted to borrow some money from me,
Then all of a sudden he said its ok, i had gone into the kitchen to make him a drink
I opened my purse to get him some money anyway and as i knew i only had change from a £20 note,i realised i had only a £5 note ,
I asked him outright, and he denied it, his friend was with him, so i knew it was one of them, but they were both there
I let it go, but told him i knew
I didnt have him in for a while, then decided it wasnt worth falling out over
Months later i actually caught him with £80 in his hand,from some money i had saved upstairs, i had thought more than once i should have had more, but put it down to me forgetting hOw much i had used myself
Apparently, he had been using the excuse of going to the toilet and sneaking into my room,
This particular time i thought he was a long time,so went upstairs to the bathroom, the door was open, so i went into my room and there he was caught redhanded
I didnt have him in again for about 2 years
I recently found out was for drugs
He is quite ill now,due to the drugs, and i have let him back,hes not on drugs now,and having counselling, but they have messed him up, he is paying me back at so much a week, but he isnt allowed out of my sight
Its one of the worst betrayals
OP i would try to find out why your grand daughter had stolen from you, i think she must have been desperate
I hope you can repair this rift between you

This happened to me, but my granddaughter is only 11, 21 is a very different. Stealing is usually a symptom of something much bigger going on. Yes it hurts but bigger than that is the confusion as to why, what is going on and what needs to be done. When it happened to me I addressed it, head on I let my grand daughter know how let down I felt.I told her parents, I told her she needed to regain my trust but I also let her know I loved her still and I was always there for her. For my granddaughter this is a stage but at 21 it might be a bigger problem or she might be feeling rejected and angry, no excuse of course but people behave in ways they might not when they are low. Its very difficult to respond on such little details but I just wanted you to know others have been there and I don't think you should ignore it. Good luck

My cousin's wife stole from my gran, and also from my mother. My mother's purse was found in the canal later. It was a symptom of something more serious, kleptomania rather than need. She had spent money they didn't have behind her husband's back on holidays and all sorts. It broke up the marriage.

It could be a sign she has a drug problem. Once a person is in the grip of addiction, their previous morals sadly have to take second place to their need of a drug supply. See if you can work with her parents to get that checked out, it could save her future.

Rejection, anger, poverty, drugs; they are not an excuse for stealing! I would inform her father. Don't let her in again! Meet her on neutral ground. If all else fails, involve the police.

No legray, they're not an excuse, but she's still a young person capable of rehabilitation and so this theft might be a timely heads up to see if the family can put their heads together to help her.

Gillybob your post brought tears to my eyes, and what kind and wise grandparents you had. Hope your experience can be shared for your own grandchildren or other children, to help them if tempted.

eileen I am so sorry that you find yourself in such an unhappy situation. Are you absolutely sure and, if it is cash, do you know exactly how much?
I think if I were you I would just ring up and ask how much it was that you had actually given her. Tell her that you were thinking about her and her difficulties and had wondered if you could give her a bit more. but when you went to your purse to work out if you could afford to give her anything more you found that you had less than you thought for your own commitments. It will do no harm to lt her know that you have to carefully budget for everything and that you notice how much cash there is in your purse. At the very least she will hopefully not do it again.
You need to encourage her to open up to you about her circumstances and just how things are with her. If she not been taught to budget perhaps you could offer to teach her. If she did take something from you then you need to make sure that it cannot happen again for both your sakes.

Depending on what was actually stolen (we don't know ?) this could have been an act of sheer desperation on your granddaughters behalf eileen66 which I know does not excuse the theft but people can do strange,out of character things when they are cornered. Again (depending on what was stolen and assuming you have absolute proof of the theft) I would have to get to the bottom of it myself rather than involving a third party at this stage . Is it possible you could ask your GD if she saw "it" on her last visit ? Perhaps ask her if she will help you look for "it"? Then you might be able to gauge a reaction ? Again all depending on what "it" is.

Brilliant advice from Synonymous

I'm very sad for you Eileen. IngeJones suggests a drug problem but there are obviously many other reasons for stealing. I wonder if she used to ask her father for money when she needed it, as now he has gone and she has nobody to ask? We don't know OP's granddaughter's living situation, if she is supporting herself on a low income she might need cash, help or advice. Eileen doesn't tell us whether she stole money or something else. Perhaps £10 was not enough for her. We don't know if it was simply opportunistic theft of cash or whether she searched the house for something she could sell?

I know that my grown up children sometimes need help and I happily give it if it is justified. Living and supporting yourself if tough when you are young.

Some very good ideas which I am sure will help people.