Bit cross about this

My grandchildren get through several pairs of school shoes a term but we are walking a mile to school and back each day and modern shoes have such flimsy soles. Sometimes I will buy them, sometimes my daughter will (she is a single parent, son in law is supposed to pay £50 per week towards the costs of raising 3 children but that goes nowhere with three sets of school uniform, shoes, boots for Winter, Winter coats, bags, lunch boxes, gym uniform, wellingtons and outdoor clothes for Forest School etc etc.). If you can afford to pay for the shoes then offer to do so, if you cannot or do not want to make a commitment that will be ongoing you should be honest and say so clearly so there is no misunderstanding. Finding the money for an unexpected school item you thought was already covered might be hard for them to do unless you give them enough warning.

Yes we do buy GC's school shoes.Our DD is a divorced Mum of two and she can't afford decent hard wearing shoes for them.However she would never assume we would pay every year.I think your DS is presumptuous and I don't blame you for feeling miffed.Do you go with them to choose the shoes or just hand over the money?Part of the pleasure is seeing the delight on their faces surely.

Bit concerned at the notion of husbands and wives (allegedly) "ghost writing" via each other's email accounts. Not on at all!

my response would be something like, "I'm sure she'd love them but,don't you think you should stick with buying her something more practical & in keeping with the school uniform ? After all they won't last that long."

We have always bought our DGD's shoes, school shoes, ballet shoes,tap shoes etc. We have never been asked though, nor was it ever assumed. We just liked to do it and it was a help to them. She is a teenager now and buys her own shoes.

I try to help with shoes for my Sons (teenagers) boys, my Son is divorced and he and his ex. struggle a bit, I enjoy buying the shoes, as I know how expensive they are, and how quickly they wear out too, I know the help is appreciated, and it gives me so much pleasure to be able to help, I will continue as long as possible.

In your situation I would probably reply with a 'thanks for the update" and then purchase the shoes without saying anything ...YET.

When you catch your son (alone and in person), talk to him about the email and his presumption. Not angrily, but honestly. Remind him that you are always willing to help out, but it's disrespectful and not polite to hand out emailed instructions based on the assumption that you would buy your DGD's shoes, without asking first.

Was that all the email said? Or was it part of a lengthy scribe?
Maybe DS was just telling you what size shoe she is now and what your DGD has said she'd like?
It could be as innocent as that.
Tone of voice and facial expressions can't be seen on emails or texts.

I'm paying for his entire uniform but that doesn't mean I will make the same gesture next year .....it all depends on the state of our finances!

Just read your latest posting LyndaW so just ignore my suggestion.

Perhaps a reply along the lines of 'don't they grow fast?' and 'might I make a contribution of (£-?) to the cost?' might do the trick. As a grand-parents of nine we have found it prudent (and more appreciated) to let any monetary offers be instigated by us.

Thanks for all the advice. Now I've had a few cups of tea and a few hours to digest, I feel less cross. In answer to the question about whether or not they can buy them themselves, yes, they are comfortable enough to afford to.
I'm going to do what you say. Make a noncommittal positive response about the shoes and then take my dgd for a day out to go try them on. We did have fun last year and I honestly have no issue with buying them, it's the way it was assumed that put me out. But I generally have a good relationship with my son and I think you are all wise in advising me to see the bigger picture. Do feel better having vented on here though! Do love Gransnet for a vent!

Legg55
Why did you write Christmas as C***** ? Is it considered a swear word now?

I buy a lot of my DGDs clothes, but that's me not my DD. I think I'd say "Oh, I didn't realise I was buying them?" GC are proving expensive!

Just say when you offered to buy the first pair you didn't intend that to imply you would buy all the shoes ad finitum for all grandchildren!! and if you gave that impression you're sorry but you can't commit to that finance but will help out when and if you feel you want to or can. Nip it in the bud NOW.

I will be buying grandchild 3's high school blazer..bought for numbers 1&2...so five more to go then all done..?...

My DGC have all had the light up shoes over the years (Clarks I think) the lights tend to be on the sole so usually fine for children at primary school.

On a slightly different note we are going to struggle to get suitable shoes for DGD for secondary school as the school insist on a very specific lace up "brogue" style. Can't actually find any in a small size 12! Ditto the school sports socks which start at a size 2.

....and a bloomin straight black skirt that rests on the knee. They just don't make them in age 7-8 ! grrrrrrrrrrrr

I wish they made flash or sparkle shoes in adult sizes. I'd like some. I often want to buy things for my grandchildren but daughter is very controlling and I have to ask what to get or take it back. I can afford to buy some things and it helps out. She occasionally does ask, as when 2 yr old broke her foot after I'd got her sets of leggings and tops for nursery, and the leggings no longer fitted. She needed dresses to go over the plaster and as daughter works it was easier for me to get them.

I used to buy my grandchildren shoes twice a year .....back to school after the summer holidays ...and trainers at Christmas as a present. We did this for a few years after my daughter and her husband split up as there always seemed to be a struggle to buy these. We said to our daughter when we started doing this that we could"nt afford any other financial help but the shoes. They were always appreciated and the children enjoyed being taken out with us to choose them. Maybe it's a misunderstanding on your son"s part. Perhaps you could say " oh" I had"nt realised I was buying them again" .....think we may have got our wires crossed somewhere" ....Wait for him to respond. If you do this in a light hearted way it should help to sort this out without any hard feelings.

Most schools insist on black shoes for uniform....not light up ones. Seems strange to ask for these more expensive shoes for uniform. ...I know all my grandchildren have to wear black.

Your son has probably innocently sent you said email. Just buy them..its not the end of the world...If you want to get out of it in the future..just tell him in a nice way, that you won't be able afford to do it after this one. I love my son too much to let him down but this year I had to tell him I could no longer afford everything I do for him, he was fine and very grateful for all that I have already done. So don't get cross about it, talk to your son.

I have always bought the GC's shoes, at £50 pound a pair and several pairs a year, soon adds up to a tidy sum for parents to find.
Yesterday I went with DIL and GD to be fitted with her school uniform, everything has school badge embroidered, even the PE shorts and T shirt is in house colours with name across the back. Every item, barring plain black shoes, has to be bought from school shop even the sport's bag.
I didn't see the final cost as DIL wrote check but she looked shell shocked when she joined us.
Now that GC are growing fast and require several pairs of ballet and tap shoes along with specialist clothing we have given the parents the money to set up accounts to pay for fees and clothing, it saves them from asking on a regular basis.
What else would I do with my money ? and the look of pleasure when they get new shoes.
GD1 asked yesterday if I was going to visit at the weekend, I told her not possible this weekend and her face crumpled " oh grandma, I wanted to show you my new hockey stick"

If you can afford it why not give them some contribution and tell them to buy whatever they think appropriate - or are you expected the take the child shopping yourself?

Rather than saying. 'Buy whatever you like', which sounds rather brusque, why not just say 'Sounds very cheerful I look forward to seeing her wear them.'

My mum use to buy my kids shoes but no presents. We got the idea from someone I work with . Better to buy something they need than a load of toy tat or they clothes they don't need.