Feeling pushed out

OP - it's only been a fortnight. Your daughter's MIL has been practically supportive, aided by the fact she doesn't work and can drive. Yet it was you your DD was texting. So chin up, don't cause any ructions and tell your other DD to lay off. Just make sure your DD knows you're there and offer to take the baby out or be at home with it while DD rests. Leave it up to her to decide. Perhaps if DD trusts the other GM to look after the baby you could have some quiet time or a coffee out with DD when she feels up to it? or vice versa or just with her husband? Just don't mention your feelings to your DD - if she finds the other GM oppressive she'll tell you.

When DGS1 was born we stayed for 1st week after the birth as we lived 70 miles away, other GPs did more than we could. As time has gone on they have lost interest & only care about their DGD who is a couple of years older than DGS1. I now live nearer being widowed & was on hand for Hospital visits & transport for DG2, my DD knows I am there if she needs me, I always check it's ok to visit especially if I'm in DD's town, about 10 miles from where I live & don't often go there.

My DD loves this arrangement, she has lots of friends around as well. I'm always first person they call if she needs help or advice. Don't worry things will settle down & don't let your DD know how you feel.

I'm in a similar position to BlueBelle. My only grandchildren are in New Zealand too. I only see them every couple of years and feel that they hardly know me. Am I envious of their paternal grandparents? Of course I am. Especially when she constantly posts photos of them together on Facebook. Other GM gets to spend quality time with them, taking them out and about and even taking them on holiday. When I go for a visit it seems we spend half if the time getting to know each other again and now that they are 11 and almost 10, they want to spend time with their friends. I'm sad that I can't have the close relationship with them that I had with my grandparents but there's nothing I can do to change it. Grand parenting isn't about who spends the most time with them, it's about loving them and letting them know they are loved.

I would be grateful to know that my daughter had someone who did what the paternal gran was doing.But don't forget that you are her mum and what ever someone else may be doing for DD then it will never alter that.Has your daughter complained what the other gran is doing for her?does she feel she is too pushy?
My MIL did far more for me than my own mother in fact as they grew older my kids had her round their little fingers and they could get away with anything.But from my point of view they loved and respected both grans equally and never showed any preference.

Over the last three years I have watched as a close friend has totally undermined first her daughter and then her daughter-in law, by her determined "helping", to the extent that neither couple has any confidence in their own parenting. She is enjoying her grandchildren but she has deprived her own children of so much that she enjoys. There is a point where support is actually the very opposite. It is selfish but she cannot see it.
Your idea of support sounds fine to me OP. I just hope your daughter is ok with her MIL and is not having her confidence eroded.

Congratulations - it is alwyays the same the longed for GC brings problems that we never had before!
DD1 is a visting midwife and says that for a week after the birth only Mum and Dad and one grandmother and no one else.

The baby needs absolute quiet for its first weeks in the world. Just mum and dad and peace and quiet and a relaxed mum not one strung between two competing grandlmothers.
Hope your daughter can calm down and all will be better later on, if the family are till speaking then.
What selfish people!

hi horleyflyer - I sympathise with you, as I can see that not driving means you don't have the same ability to just turn up unannounced as paternal grandmother does. However, I do also feel that it's up to you to forge the relationship that you want with your GC and therefore, whilst you say that you have taken the approach of letting your DD get on with things, it may be that you have to make the effort, and your other daughter too, to actually visit. If the paternal grandma behaves like this with all her grandchildren this tells you that she will not change - she will continue to turn up, to offer help, maybe in your eyes, to even take over. If you choose to stay away then her position will be strengthened and she will become the first port of call in any needful situation. As you are new to grandparenting, and she isn't, I would suggest you be rather more proactive - other contributors have said that your DD will be at sea just now, she won't want to see any rift in the family and it's important that she's happy especially if she's breastfeeding. So my advice to you is to get over there, let her know you're coming and you want to wheel baby out, and get your other daughter to do the same. Your DD is in no position to tell her in-laws to stop visiting, so it's up to you to make sure you're there and start your bonding - if your DD tells you she doesn't want you there - which I can't imagine would happen - that's the time to ask the question of why she's so accommodating with her MIL. She is maybe coming under pressure from hubby who will naturally turn to his mum for advice.

My son lives in NZ and his two kids have grandparents round the corner and of course I see them very rarely When the second one was about 8 months I went for a visit and the other granny blocked me constantly ( I was only going to be round him three weeks ) but she couldn't keep away she would actually take him from my lap as we were getting to know one another, on one occasion she whipped him up and went into another room shutting the door behind her I was so upset and annoyed inside but obviously apart from having a minor moan to my son couldn't really say much
Fast forward 16 years I ve never really forgiven her in my heart although we send C cards and speak as normal when I go over but it was so so hurtful she just couldn't let go for such a short time
I always treat the kids the same as my other grandkids for birthdays/ C.....etc but I don't really know them very well

The baby is two weeks old!
She is still sore, bleeding and carrying around two painful boulders on her chest.
That's without going into the screaming squish that's now dominating her life and already there are people falling out with her because she's not fulfilling their wants?
What did your email other daughter fall out with her about? Because if it's not seeing the baby enough I'd rip her a new one.

You are being fantastic. Trust me I've got two young children and am on many baby groups and you are what dreams are made of.
A supportive, loving, non judgmental parent who desperately wants to be there but respectfully waits for an invite.
You are doing great. And you will have an amazing realtionship with your GC because you already have such a great one with your DD.

Don't worry, just bide your time. YOU are her mum. "A daughter's a daughter for ALL of her life."
But do remind her that you are ready to give support whenever she needs it.
It won't be too long before your daughter falls out with MiL.

Isn't it just the most wonderful feeling when your first grandchild is born, Horleyflyer? I have 9 grandchildren, but there is just something very special about the memories of when the first one was born. Almost like being in love!! Really try not to go in for competitive grandparenting. Things will calm down I am sure and nobody can take away the special relationship you have with your daughter. You will offer your new grandchild something different to the other granny and it will be just as special.

At least your D text you and you were helpful with the advice, so it shows she still wants you around. When you get to see your d next have a chat about it and see what she says, she might find over over he top a bit any way.
Congratulations enjoy your new gc xx

Try to not let it upset you, hard I know. I am not involved with my sons children very much, where as maternal grandmother very involved. She gets invited to school plays, often asked to stay, where as we are not. We're told not enough room as there are 2 of us. I used to get so upset, but all that achieved was my hubby & I getting stressed. We're there when needed, try to stay in touch as much as possible. Our son & grandsons FaceTime us & enjoy our chats.
Just be there as & when you can.

You were so lucky to be at the birth of your grandchild and to cut the cord - when my daughter had her three children it was just her and ex son in law there for all three. Maybe the paternal GM would have liked to have had that opportunity? Getting used to a new baby is hard work enough without GP's squabbling or taking offence as well - I am sure your DD has asked you to come over because she wants you to visit, not just fetch something for her. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face, go and enjoy your time with DD and baby.

I know exactly how you feel, horleflyer. I have exactly the same problem except I am the paternal Grandma and my problem is with the other Grandma. She takes over completely . She makes herself indispensable and travel up to stay every other week for a week and has done for nearly 10 years. Also she does all the chores. She sees our grandchildren more than I do although I live nearby. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it except grin and bear it. I love my grandchildren more than life but I am of the view "be there when needed " . You will be appreciated, respected and I after get treats !

horleyflyer Congratulations on becoming a grandma. As everyone else has said it will all settle down and new family dynamics will be established. You were at the birth which surely means that you have a very special relationship with your DD? What an amazing privilege! You will build your own special relationship with your GC, as will the other GP. The new family probably would just like a bit of space to adjust to their new situation. Early days so hang on in there x

My DD has just experienced the constant visits of DIL's mother and has taken the view of standing back and letting her get on with it,the other grandma has now slowed down on her visits and interference as the baby (my GGD) has got older and is now walking about and has become a wee bit of a mini-worldwind I feel now she cant control her to one place DD is asked to childmind much more often and has quality time with the little one,so stand back enjoy from a distance and your time will come,congratulations on your new addition they are so special I have 8 DGCs in total and have always stood back and be guided by mummies needs.

Coming from a young mom who had a hellish MIL your daughter is super lucky to have one that actually gives a shit. Sorry to swear.
She is helping with food and washing which is so lovley and helpful. You cant as you don't drive, would you like her to stop?

Your DD gave birth 2 weeks ago!! 14 days and theres already ill feeling towards you and her MIL and her sister because why? Her MIL is helping her? Your daugher will be overwhelmed, still in pain and everything is new. You should be extremely happy that has a good support newtwork not jealous that she HAS a support network or make her feel guilty for it. This isn't about you, this is about her.

And for all you know, she might hate it and wants her to go away. Or she mighy enjoy it.

In the nicest way, put your big girl pants on, arrange a date with her, take cake or even do her an online shop to be delivered to her house? Be happy she has people around her who are willing to help her and her baby. Tell your other daugher to get a grip and think about her sister.

Again, coming from a young mom whos MIL made the entire thing horrible and awkward your daugher is so lucky to have a helpful MIL dont make her feel guilty for it.

Calm down...Let your daughter enjoy her new baby. The last thing she needs are both sets of grandparents in a stand-off situation. The paternal grandmother may not realise she is "doing wrong" in your eyes.

Been there - but in reverse! It is so difficult in this situation, tip-toeing around trying not to upset anyone, but the 'pushy' GP does not seem to have the same sensitivity? Did end up having a discussion, but it was traumatic emotionally, and still feel very wary with DIL. Her mother does the emotional blackmail thing very well it seems - some people can be controlling and manipulative. I felt my DS and DiL needed time to bond with their baby and to work out their parenting strategies, but MiL bustled in. I still feel a bit of an out-law! Hope things will improve for you, I was unprepared for the minefield that a grandchild brings to what had been very pleasant and harmonious relationships.
I did appreciate the supportive comments from this site, which is why a joined, feeling desperate and very low. Hope you feel the same warmth from others who have been there.

It's early days and everyone is feeling emotional. The truth is that if you play the long game you'll win. Your daughter is your daughter and it's you she will turn to. It is more often the case that the paternal granny is the one who is left out.

How lovley for you family that they are so well supported by everyone. You will find your space if yu need to, seems to me that you a lredy have the sort of close relationship where advice is sought when needed. Can you learn to drive? If the other gran drives and doesn't work she will be able to help more with the slog, you can share the love and fun.

It can seem full on for new mums and between them they will find a balance, you just do hat you can when you can and don't feel pushed out, feel supported.

I do sympathise- I was on the other end as I was paternal GM & DS & DDiL lived 5 min walk away when first child born. Her Mum was 35 mins away by car.I was asked all the questions as I was here & could get there quickly when she needed advice or one one occasion when she wanted to rush him to local hospital. I know other GM felt a bit excluded so I was always very careful not to say I had seen so much of DGS when I saw her.
Then 18 months later it changed completely & they moved 10 mins by car from her parents as property prices were so much cheaper there & they needed a bigger house as no. 2 was on the way.
Where I had been very tactful & kept out of the way when her mum visited I found that her mum was always there when I was going round to see them.Sometimes she had 'just popped in'when |I was visiting but she knew I was coming so I felt it was often contrived. Then she would take him over & not go until I did,
She was very full on with my GS & I hardly got a cuddle. I admit I was very upset- I well remember the first Christmas when we all went there & she insisted that HER presents had to be opened first & then all her family's before ours. I told DDiL to give or things to him the next day as he was getting overwhelmed by it all.
I decided then & there that if I was to keep the peace I needed to develop a different special relationship with my GC. I held back & was always ready to babysit at ours whenever needed- meaning that they got a lie in the next morning too.
To this day- 12 years later, there are 3 of them now- the GC come to us a LOT. They love coming here & we have always done all sorts of 'special' things with them.
Interestingly other GM decided when she retired that it was now 'her time' & they rarely have the GC other than to go for short visits & never have them to stay over- they always come here.
Children are very bright & they will develop a totally different relationship with you as with her. Be patient- shower your DGS with love & let your DD know you are there for her whenever she needs you. It will all work out.

It is a difficult situation for you and for your daughter too. As long as you make sure she knows you are there for her when needed, it is all you can do at the moment. I would speak to your other daughter and encourage her to mend the rift between her and her sister because, speaking from experience, fall outs between siblings only get worse over time and can make family gatherings very stressful for the parents. Please don't speak harshly to your daughter as she probably feels overwhelmed and exhausted by the whole experience.

Is the baby the paternal GM's first grandchild? If so it is perhaps understandable but she is out of order and your daughter and SIL are probably longing for some alone time. It is very early days and at the moment they are probably grateful for all her interventions to give them a break.

If you have the opportunity perhaps a heart to heart with your daughter would be beneficial. Tell her how you are feeling and she may open up to you about how she feels.

Horleyflyer I have exactly the same situation but I'm the paternal GM. I feel I have to make an appointment to see my DGS who is 1, whereas DIL parents visit almost everyday. I worry that my DGS won't know me and it hurts so much. I'm at a loss as to what to do. We're not pushy at all whereas the other Grandparents are. I just hope it will change as DGS gets older.