Feeling pushed out

I know how you feel. I'm not a pushy granny but paternal is. She virtually lived at DDs house in the early days and it drove DD insane. Even now she's there far more often than I am. I used to feel like you do but then I realised that we're just cut from different cloth. She's done it with every grandchild and it's just how it's done in her family. My family are more distant. I don't mean distant ....I can't think of the right word. We tend to give each other space to live their own lives whilst always being there when needed. We're not a 'drop in' visiting family whilst her family is.

Whilst your DD was talking to you about the colic attack I guess that SIL was talking to his mam. She sounds more of a panicker than you so she scared them into going to the hospital.

Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences.
I don't want to fall out with anyone over it all but I fear DD and my eldest daughter ( who hasn't seen the baby since they were in hospital) are already not speaking over the issue which makes me piggy in the middle between them too.
I have this morning been asked if I am popping over because DD needs something from here. So tempted to respond in a sarcastic manner but have decided not to respond at all until I can be 'nice'

Firstly, and i am fairly sure that you wouldn't anyway, try not to let your daughter know how you are feeling, as that might make her feel guilty or under pressure to do something about it, which she probably doesn't need right now.

It sounds as though you and DD have a good relationship - the fact that you were at the birth, and that she was texting you about baby's colic shows that she sees you as someone she can turn to. She may well feel that her in-laws are being too involved for her own liking, but she probably wouldn't want to risk upsetting them by saying anything.

I suggest that you just carry on being 'you' - if that is the loving, supportive mum who will do anything to help - if asked - then carry on being there for her in that way.

As for seeing the baby, could you ask DD if you could go around and take baby out in her pram tomorrow (or whenever)? If it is agreed to in advance, she might feel able to tell mil (tactfully, i'm sure) that she isn't needed that day as you have an 'appointment' (for want of a better word), without appearing to be ungrateful for her help.

Good luck, horleyflyer

Congratulations horley, wonderful to be a new grandmother, but hard to know what to do to get it right, isn't it? I think how people react and behave depends on individual family systems. Some are more intertwined than others.

We tend to hold back, reading your post vampirequeen the word than sprang to mind was respectful and also trusting. I trust our family to manage their own children and I respect their right to do so. I'm a paternal and have sometimes felt pushed out although I have a close relationship with both daughters in law who include us in their thinking. Distance plays a part with one family, the other daughter in law comes from a family of rescuers. They all rush at the hint of, well, anything while we offer help and then wait for the offer to be accepted, much as you are doing horley and vampirequeen.

Don't worry, horley, you will find your grand parenting space. Your daughter knows you love them, she is valuing your advice. The paternal grandmother sounds a bit of a steam roller and also a worrier, maybe she was worried about not being needed and is overdoing being helpful. If you want to see your family more often and can do so then why not check with your daughter when would be a good time for her and just go? You don't say how old your grandchild is, I wonder if there is any potential for them to come to your home for a visit, and maybe some peace and quiet . Please don't worry, things will settle down.

Don't make this a big issue, there is already some bad feeling and it will only escalate. Things will settle down in time and everyone will find their own level of help to offer. It's good the paternal grandmother is able and willing to help, better than not being there for the family. Its very early days for your daughter and she is probably finding it a bit difficult with a new baby. As grandparents we have to learn to bite our tongues at times. Don't stress over this, relax and enjoy your new grandchild.

Your DD will be feeling stressed enough at the moment, horleyflyer, please don't make things worse by being sarcastic with her. You're obviously close and of course she knows you'll be there if she needs you, which is why she hasn't hesitated to ask you to pop over today. Just carry on doing what you are doing, giving advice when asked and letting them have some space. I'm sure they'll appreciate it. They're probably already working on a way of getting the other gran to back off a bit.

Thank you all so much !
I feel better already. I know I came to the right place now
I am restricted on how I can help as I work and don't drive where she doesn't work and does drive
But like you say it will all settle down in time and I just need to try and keep the peace and be patient for now.
OH's son and family travel down tomorrow to see the new arrival and OH just asked if we should book him a slot via MIL !!
I'll try and answer your posts more fully later

Been there and got t shirt so to speak we are family that don't live in each other's pockets but I've felt left out over the years never had kids to stay and daughter in laws family always come first you will get used to it! Not like it but used to it it does hurt and I do get angry but won't cause a fuss just want quiet life!!!

Your daughter has just had her first baby. She is overwhelmed by the experience and by her overbearing MIL. Why on earth would her sister not be talking to her and why would it even cross your mind to text her a sarcastic reply? I think it's all very sad.

When my first GC was born I went overboard. I bought stuff and lavished her with presents. When I look back I feel a bit ashamed of my over the top behaviour as I got to see her so much and live with them when my DD got PND. Luckily for me the other Paternal side had already got three other GCs and so had gone through the excitement and awe that I was going through with the first.

When my only ( at that time) GC was staying with his Paternal GPs I felt jealous . Now I have a lot more GG I feel fine. The more loving people they have in their lives the better.
I think how you feel is a natural response to having a first GC, as I fell madly in love and found the whole experience so exciting. My DIls have their own Mothers but I shall always be my daughters Mother. You will always come first to your DD and they will come and stay with you when she gets her act together. You will end up seeing more of your GC as girls cleave to their side of the family. So try not to be jealous but be happy that your DD trusts her MIl as it could be a very hostile and destructive relationship. Your time will come.

I think it kind of depends on the individuals too. In my case (with one son and one daughter and two sets of grandchildren) the other grandparents are both more hands-on types than I am and have cars while we don't. I see each set of grandchildren for a few hours about once a month when they are brought to us. It seems fair to me, because if we want to have more time with the grandchildren we should make the effort to travel to see them like the other grandparents do (we could get the train after all!). Obviously in your case you would have been willing to go over but the other grandparent was already there. If this bothers you, I suggest next time you simply turn up when this type of situation arises like the other one does!

Everything is new at the moment and it will all hopefully settle down. I just wanted to add that the most difficult thing I have found as a grandmother is how to 'step back' now that my daughter is an adult and her husband and children take priority. It was really difficult at first and I certainly felt left out, but that is obviously something Paternal GM has to learn. Give it time and just be yourself. You obviously have a strong relationship with your daughter.

Congratulations on your first grandchild and remember, there are years ahead when you will be called upon to spend time with your GC and they will fill your life with joy.

This might help, horley, just remembered a situation a year or two back when I was showing a grandchild how to do something, it took forever but we got there. My daughter in law then commented, 'if that had been my Mum she would have taken over and just done it'. 'Oh No' said our grandchild ' I wanted to do it myself'. It was a good moment, made me realise its OK to be as I am with the grandchildren. Those moments will come with you, too.

A year on from mine, I have been in the difficult position of long distance granny compared to MIL up the road from DD's family. However, it is me who gets the almost daily personal iMessages with updates and photos, even after all this time, and we work together to see each other more or less monthly. I am sure it will pan out if you just do what you can.

Horleyflyer I have exactly the same situation but I'm the paternal GM. I feel I have to make an appointment to see my DGS who is 1, whereas DIL parents visit almost everyday. I worry that my DGS won't know me and it hurts so much. I'm at a loss as to what to do. We're not pushy at all whereas the other Grandparents are. I just hope it will change as DGS gets older.

It is a difficult situation for you and for your daughter too. As long as you make sure she knows you are there for her when needed, it is all you can do at the moment. I would speak to your other daughter and encourage her to mend the rift between her and her sister because, speaking from experience, fall outs between siblings only get worse over time and can make family gatherings very stressful for the parents. Please don't speak harshly to your daughter as she probably feels overwhelmed and exhausted by the whole experience.

Is the baby the paternal GM's first grandchild? If so it is perhaps understandable but she is out of order and your daughter and SIL are probably longing for some alone time. It is very early days and at the moment they are probably grateful for all her interventions to give them a break.

If you have the opportunity perhaps a heart to heart with your daughter would be beneficial. Tell her how you are feeling and she may open up to you about how she feels.

I do sympathise- I was on the other end as I was paternal GM & DS & DDiL lived 5 min walk away when first child born. Her Mum was 35 mins away by car.I was asked all the questions as I was here & could get there quickly when she needed advice or one one occasion when she wanted to rush him to local hospital. I know other GM felt a bit excluded so I was always very careful not to say I had seen so much of DGS when I saw her.
Then 18 months later it changed completely & they moved 10 mins by car from her parents as property prices were so much cheaper there & they needed a bigger house as no. 2 was on the way.
Where I had been very tactful & kept out of the way when her mum visited I found that her mum was always there when I was going round to see them.Sometimes she had 'just popped in'when |I was visiting but she knew I was coming so I felt it was often contrived. Then she would take him over & not go until I did,
She was very full on with my GS & I hardly got a cuddle. I admit I was very upset- I well remember the first Christmas when we all went there & she insisted that HER presents had to be opened first & then all her family's before ours. I told DDiL to give or things to him the next day as he was getting overwhelmed by it all.
I decided then & there that if I was to keep the peace I needed to develop a different special relationship with my GC. I held back & was always ready to babysit at ours whenever needed- meaning that they got a lie in the next morning too.
To this day- 12 years later, there are 3 of them now- the GC come to us a LOT. They love coming here & we have always done all sorts of 'special' things with them.
Interestingly other GM decided when she retired that it was now 'her time' & they rarely have the GC other than to go for short visits & never have them to stay over- they always come here.
Children are very bright & they will develop a totally different relationship with you as with her. Be patient- shower your DGS with love & let your DD know you are there for her whenever she needs you. It will all work out.

How lovley for you family that they are so well supported by everyone. You will find your space if yu need to, seems to me that you a lredy have the sort of close relationship where advice is sought when needed. Can you learn to drive? If the other gran drives and doesn't work she will be able to help more with the slog, you can share the love and fun.

It can seem full on for new mums and between them they will find a balance, you just do hat you can when you can and don't feel pushed out, feel supported.

It's early days and everyone is feeling emotional. The truth is that if you play the long game you'll win. Your daughter is your daughter and it's you she will turn to. It is more often the case that the paternal granny is the one who is left out.

Been there - but in reverse! It is so difficult in this situation, tip-toeing around trying not to upset anyone, but the 'pushy' GP does not seem to have the same sensitivity? Did end up having a discussion, but it was traumatic emotionally, and still feel very wary with DIL. Her mother does the emotional blackmail thing very well it seems - some people can be controlling and manipulative. I felt my DS and DiL needed time to bond with their baby and to work out their parenting strategies, but MiL bustled in. I still feel a bit of an out-law! Hope things will improve for you, I was unprepared for the minefield that a grandchild brings to what had been very pleasant and harmonious relationships.
I did appreciate the supportive comments from this site, which is why a joined, feeling desperate and very low. Hope you feel the same warmth from others who have been there.

Calm down...Let your daughter enjoy her new baby. The last thing she needs are both sets of grandparents in a stand-off situation. The paternal grandmother may not realise she is "doing wrong" in your eyes.

Coming from a young mom who had a hellish MIL your daughter is super lucky to have one that actually gives a shit. Sorry to swear.
She is helping with food and washing which is so lovley and helpful. You cant as you don't drive, would you like her to stop?

Your DD gave birth 2 weeks ago!! 14 days and theres already ill feeling towards you and her MIL and her sister because why? Her MIL is helping her? Your daugher will be overwhelmed, still in pain and everything is new. You should be extremely happy that has a good support newtwork not jealous that she HAS a support network or make her feel guilty for it. This isn't about you, this is about her.

And for all you know, she might hate it and wants her to go away. Or she mighy enjoy it.

In the nicest way, put your big girl pants on, arrange a date with her, take cake or even do her an online shop to be delivered to her house? Be happy she has people around her who are willing to help her and her baby. Tell your other daugher to get a grip and think about her sister.

Again, coming from a young mom whos MIL made the entire thing horrible and awkward your daugher is so lucky to have a helpful MIL dont make her feel guilty for it.

My DD has just experienced the constant visits of DIL's mother and has taken the view of standing back and letting her get on with it,the other grandma has now slowed down on her visits and interference as the baby (my GGD) has got older and is now walking about and has become a wee bit of a mini-worldwind I feel now she cant control her to one place DD is asked to childmind much more often and has quality time with the little one,so stand back enjoy from a distance and your time will come,congratulations on your new addition they are so special I have 8 DGCs in total and have always stood back and be guided by mummies needs.

horleyflyer Congratulations on becoming a grandma. As everyone else has said it will all settle down and new family dynamics will be established. You were at the birth which surely means that you have a very special relationship with your DD? What an amazing privilege! You will build your own special relationship with your GC, as will the other GP. The new family probably would just like a bit of space to adjust to their new situation. Early days so hang on in there x