Feeling pushed out

A year on from mine, I have been in the difficult position of long distance granny compared to MIL up the road from DD's family. However, it is me who gets the almost daily personal iMessages with updates and photos, even after all this time, and we work together to see each other more or less monthly. I am sure it will pan out if you just do what you can.

This might help, horley, just remembered a situation a year or two back when I was showing a grandchild how to do something, it took forever but we got there. My daughter in law then commented, 'if that had been my Mum she would have taken over and just done it'. 'Oh No' said our grandchild ' I wanted to do it myself'. It was a good moment, made me realise its OK to be as I am with the grandchildren. Those moments will come with you, too.

Everything is new at the moment and it will all hopefully settle down. I just wanted to add that the most difficult thing I have found as a grandmother is how to 'step back' now that my daughter is an adult and her husband and children take priority. It was really difficult at first and I certainly felt left out, but that is obviously something Paternal GM has to learn. Give it time and just be yourself. You obviously have a strong relationship with your daughter.

Congratulations on your first grandchild and remember, there are years ahead when you will be called upon to spend time with your GC and they will fill your life with joy.

I think it kind of depends on the individuals too. In my case (with one son and one daughter and two sets of grandchildren) the other grandparents are both more hands-on types than I am and have cars while we don't. I see each set of grandchildren for a few hours about once a month when they are brought to us. It seems fair to me, because if we want to have more time with the grandchildren we should make the effort to travel to see them like the other grandparents do (we could get the train after all!). Obviously in your case you would have been willing to go over but the other grandparent was already there. If this bothers you, I suggest next time you simply turn up when this type of situation arises like the other one does!

When my first GC was born I went overboard. I bought stuff and lavished her with presents. When I look back I feel a bit ashamed of my over the top behaviour as I got to see her so much and live with them when my DD got PND. Luckily for me the other Paternal side had already got three other GCs and so had gone through the excitement and awe that I was going through with the first.

When my only ( at that time) GC was staying with his Paternal GPs I felt jealous . Now I have a lot more GG I feel fine. The more loving people they have in their lives the better.
I think how you feel is a natural response to having a first GC, as I fell madly in love and found the whole experience so exciting. My DIls have their own Mothers but I shall always be my daughters Mother. You will always come first to your DD and they will come and stay with you when she gets her act together. You will end up seeing more of your GC as girls cleave to their side of the family. So try not to be jealous but be happy that your DD trusts her MIl as it could be a very hostile and destructive relationship. Your time will come.

Your daughter has just had her first baby. She is overwhelmed by the experience and by her overbearing MIL. Why on earth would her sister not be talking to her and why would it even cross your mind to text her a sarcastic reply? I think it's all very sad.

Been there and got t shirt so to speak we are family that don't live in each other's pockets but I've felt left out over the years never had kids to stay and daughter in laws family always come first you will get used to it! Not like it but used to it it does hurt and I do get angry but won't cause a fuss just want quiet life!!!

Thank you all so much !
I feel better already. I know I came to the right place now
I am restricted on how I can help as I work and don't drive where she doesn't work and does drive
But like you say it will all settle down in time and I just need to try and keep the peace and be patient for now.
OH's son and family travel down tomorrow to see the new arrival and OH just asked if we should book him a slot via MIL !!
I'll try and answer your posts more fully later

Your DD will be feeling stressed enough at the moment, horleyflyer, please don't make things worse by being sarcastic with her. You're obviously close and of course she knows you'll be there if she needs you, which is why she hasn't hesitated to ask you to pop over today. Just carry on doing what you are doing, giving advice when asked and letting them have some space. I'm sure they'll appreciate it. They're probably already working on a way of getting the other gran to back off a bit.

Don't make this a big issue, there is already some bad feeling and it will only escalate. Things will settle down in time and everyone will find their own level of help to offer. It's good the paternal grandmother is able and willing to help, better than not being there for the family. Its very early days for your daughter and she is probably finding it a bit difficult with a new baby. As grandparents we have to learn to bite our tongues at times. Don't stress over this, relax and enjoy your new grandchild.

Congratulations horley, wonderful to be a new grandmother, but hard to know what to do to get it right, isn't it? I think how people react and behave depends on individual family systems. Some are more intertwined than others.

We tend to hold back, reading your post vampirequeen the word than sprang to mind was respectful and also trusting. I trust our family to manage their own children and I respect their right to do so. I'm a paternal and have sometimes felt pushed out although I have a close relationship with both daughters in law who include us in their thinking. Distance plays a part with one family, the other daughter in law comes from a family of rescuers. They all rush at the hint of, well, anything while we offer help and then wait for the offer to be accepted, much as you are doing horley and vampirequeen.

Don't worry, horley, you will find your grand parenting space. Your daughter knows you love them, she is valuing your advice. The paternal grandmother sounds a bit of a steam roller and also a worrier, maybe she was worried about not being needed and is overdoing being helpful. If you want to see your family more often and can do so then why not check with your daughter when would be a good time for her and just go? You don't say how old your grandchild is, I wonder if there is any potential for them to come to your home for a visit, and maybe some peace and quiet . Please don't worry, things will settle down.

Firstly, and i am fairly sure that you wouldn't anyway, try not to let your daughter know how you are feeling, as that might make her feel guilty or under pressure to do something about it, which she probably doesn't need right now.

It sounds as though you and DD have a good relationship - the fact that you were at the birth, and that she was texting you about baby's colic shows that she sees you as someone she can turn to. She may well feel that her in-laws are being too involved for her own liking, but she probably wouldn't want to risk upsetting them by saying anything.

I suggest that you just carry on being 'you' - if that is the loving, supportive mum who will do anything to help - if asked - then carry on being there for her in that way.

As for seeing the baby, could you ask DD if you could go around and take baby out in her pram tomorrow (or whenever)? If it is agreed to in advance, she might feel able to tell mil (tactfully, i'm sure) that she isn't needed that day as you have an 'appointment' (for want of a better word), without appearing to be ungrateful for her help.

Good luck, horleyflyer

Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences.
I don't want to fall out with anyone over it all but I fear DD and my eldest daughter ( who hasn't seen the baby since they were in hospital) are already not speaking over the issue which makes me piggy in the middle between them too.
I have this morning been asked if I am popping over because DD needs something from here. So tempted to respond in a sarcastic manner but have decided not to respond at all until I can be 'nice'

I know how you feel. I'm not a pushy granny but paternal is. She virtually lived at DDs house in the early days and it drove DD insane. Even now she's there far more often than I am. I used to feel like you do but then I realised that we're just cut from different cloth. She's done it with every grandchild and it's just how it's done in her family. My family are more distant. I don't mean distant ....I can't think of the right word. We tend to give each other space to live their own lives whilst always being there when needed. We're not a 'drop in' visiting family whilst her family is.

Whilst your DD was talking to you about the colic attack I guess that SIL was talking to his mam. She sounds more of a panicker than you so she scared them into going to the hospital.