Feeling pushed out

Saggi, a touching and salutary story. How poignant that your co-grandmother acknowledged that she had been favoured over the baby and then asked you to care for her son. You so did the right thing by not expressing any resentment but just being there when needed, you're a wise woman!

Dear horleflyer
My grandson was born 10 years ago and paternal nanna was given an open door to him ... she was able to buy stuff ( I couldn't), she had a car so could take him places I couldn't and she doted on him. She lived 20 miles away and seemed to get all the fun bits with him. I live 5 miles away and I was useful for baby sitting , emergencies , helping with shopping, housework... I seemed to get all the 'not so nice ' responsible stuff. She had total access to him for 15 months and then she died of cancer and he was all mine. He's been all mine ever since and I love him and his sister aged 5 with all the love I can muster.I do not pine over those early months, and am so pleased I didn't 'say anything' to my daughter or SIL. He lost his father as a child and he wanted to shower his mother with his son and himself. Just before Paternal Nanna died she took me aside and asked me to ' be a mother' to her son.... and thanked me profusely for letting her monopolise our grandson.I felt ashamed of my previous feelings about her and have since her death tried to be the best mother substitute to her son/ my SIL that I can. Now my grandson is all mine and my granddaughter. I wish it wasn't so . They deserve two lots of grannies and I wish she was still around to share the responsibility I sometimes fee. I miss her. So... do what you can...when you can and be glad to do it. Keep your thoughts to yourself . Your daughter will need you sooner rather than later.

I was always told that Maternal Grandma is no.1 , Paternal grandma is no 2. So your turn will come as your DD when she is less stressed will naturally turn to you. Watch and wait

That's wonderful, horleyflyer.

What a lovley update! Enjoy the first bath, make sure one of you have a camera

Pleased you feel better, horley, enjoy that oh so special bath time. There's nothing a quiet cuddle with a damp baby can't fix

I am overwhelmed by the response and have read all the posts and even shed a tear at some of them!
I now am in agreement that DD is lucky to have 2 sets of GPs that want to know and help and that both sets will play their part but in different ways. I'm sure DD won't put up with too much pushiness and that things will even out. And she knows I'm there for her...I have told her that several times.
I did go round today armed with colic drops and have been asked to help with the first bath tomorrow after work.
I'm so glad I didn't say anything now. I don't think I ever would have. I would have been directing my upset at the wrong person.

Maybe ask DD over for lunch...that way you will see baby. Offer to take baby out for a walk another time. I'm sure that paternal grandmother will soon get on DDS nerves. Congratulations and just keep positive

Horleyflyer

I get that some of us go 'apesh#t' with the arrival of our first grandchildren.....it's an experience like no other!

My DD and SIL lived on the West Coast of the US and they were far removed from the family tree on both sides. I resented that we had to share 'our' baby time with SIL's family. We stayed with them the first two weeks and then had to fly back home to make way for the 'others'.... I can relate!

Over the years you will come to realize:

A. There's more than enough love to go around
B. Grandma2 or 'Beta Grandma' is just as smitten as you are and insecure about you too.
C. Beta Grandma and you can become good friends (and partners in crime) after all.
D. As more grandchildren make their grand entrance, insecurity can be replaced with warm camaraderie and shared family experiences.
E. How much your grandchildren love you will depend on you and no one else. Someone else's love can never diminish that

So, be generous and allow Beta Grandma to do whatever makes her feel useful. Let her know that you appreciate what she does for your daughter and you will be amazed at how barriers begin to come down. You CAN be friends and allies, you just don't know that yet.

PS. Alpha Grandma (you) can take comfort in the knowledge that Mitochondrial DNA can only only be passed on from mothers to daughters .

Thank you for not being pushy. My mom is very much a "wait for an invitation" type of person and it's so wonderful. My MIL on the other hand is very pushy. Before having my son we had dinner at her house every single week. Whereas with my parents (who live just as close) we only see maybe once a month, if that. Now that my son is here my MIL asks to come over nearly every day and even got mad at my husband because she thought visiting us twice in the first two weeks of my son's life wasn't enough. And I worry about my own mom's feelings since she knows we see my in-laws all of the time. And my MIL is very outgoing and very nice so I'm worried my mom thinks we like my MIL more. Truth be told, in the past year my MIL has driven me up the wall. So if your daughter is anything like me, outward appearances can be deceiving. Just talk to her about it. If I knew my mom felt like she was being shorted because she's not pushy and my MIL is, I would beg her to say something. Just let her know how you feel.

Hi, I know how you feel. I have the reverse, I'm the Paternal GM and I'm always left out of the loop. It is very hurtful but I don't think they realise. Perhaps as things are so new to your DD that when all calms down, it will all become too much with MIL there all the time and DD will say something gently to her or maybe her own son. I'm sure it will settle and try perhaps to be a bit more persuasive and about seeing YOUR first GC. xx

PD - love your last remark!...In fact the whole post is perfect.

Please don't say anything to your DD about how you feel. However close you might be she's at a very vulnerable and worrying time with a very new first baby and she doesn't need any guilt about inadvertently causing you distress. Whinge to your DH!

I do know exactly how you feel; my DD's MIL actually gave up work to take on the childcare when DD went back to work; I found that really hard. But we all live within a few miles of each other and I see DGS almost every day and, to be honest, I think that the quality of the love and interest that you have in your grandchild when you're together that is really important, s/he'll love you for that, not for how often you see him (her?).

Grit your teeth, keep schtum, smile a lot and enjoy the time you do have with your new grandchild.

Hi there, I'm not a Gran but I posted here as I had a problem with my Gran.. I think though that I can definitely help with this one.. This happened to me with my husbands family, they came to me every single day and so did my Gran (she still does, this was what my post was about) Your daughter is probably being polite as I was.. I'd let the woman make a stick to break her own back.. In my experience and talking to friends etc women just do not like a constant interference.. I was ok with it at first but it very quickly became my very own nightmare, they became too familiar, too pushy, too possessive and it made me run screaming for the hills.. I do not invite them to my home and I only see them once a week (sometimes I even cancel) I hated it.. In the long run your daughter will come running and appreciate that you didn't smoother her.. Offer help but don't impose it.. I don't know what your daughter is like but I remember my husbands aunt doing my washing and I think steam left my ears.. My own Mother knows my boundaries so be assured you know your daughter better than anyone, this will be short lived xx

Just let things pan out naturally - you obviously have a close relationship with your daughter; the fact that you helped at the birth is testament to that and nothing will take away that memory. Give the paternal grandmother a break - she is obviously thrilled and wants to help as much as she can - and why not? Be thankful that your daughter in these early days of motherhood does have someone who can give practical help. It's certainly not something that should drive a wedge between you and your daughter and other family members. I think that probably you are feeling upset that you are unable to be as physically pro-active as the other granny, but your emotional support is even more important to your daughter. I know that sometimes 'the other side' can be irksome, but we just have to be grown-up about these things. Just remember that the bond between a mother and daughter (and her children) is often so much stronger. Enjoy your first grandchild without any bad feelings getting in the way.

Nellie - I like your honest post. Glad you could be there to support DD, she so didn't need a visit from toxic MiL!

I can only say what so many have already said. Your poor DD so soon after the birth will hardly know which end is up. Give her time and above all don't make her feel bad and also aim to stop the siblings falling out.

When my daughter disappeared to Australia they rented a place in her partner's tiny town minutes from his parents. I was so relieved, especially when DD became pregnant very early on as I wanted her to have the loving support I would have given her. It didn't turn out like that; his mother and sister weren't welcoming at all and before baby was born DD and partner moved far away from them. I flew in and got to spend three precious weeks doing what I could to help after a difficult Caesarean which almost killed my DD. MIL turned up after I left and said later that she would have "liked to slap DD" for the untidiness of the little house. Not a nice woman. While I ŵas there the only untidiness I saw was my future SIL's clothes which were usually left where they fell!

I would have given anything for DD to have the support and help of a fond MIL.

I had the good fortune to be near at hand to help with all my DGDs on this side of the world whereas my fellow grandmother lives far away. She makes frequent visits for a week at a time and I must admit shamefacedly to a twinge of jealousy that every year she gets to see the children on Christmas Day morning unwrapping their presents. It's not always easy but there really is enough love to share around with a healthy dose of give and take.

I'm sure in time things will settle down its usually the paternal grandparents that feel left out but your DD sounds like she has a great relationship with you to allow you at the birth and to cut the cord maybe the other granny felt left out at this so is determined to make herself indispensable however she doesn't work and drives so probably has got a lot more time I wouldn't worry too much I work and used to feel a bit put out when my DD went on holiday with the in-laws I can't go in term time but like all things this came to an end when GS started school so I'm so glad I made nothing of it just bide your time DD will need you soon

Only 2 weeks?! Give the whole situation time. Everyone needs to adjust to changes. I'm maternal GM to 3, paternal GM to 4 plus a GGC. I've not been at a birth or cut a cord, that's fine, both mothers wanted only their partner there. It must be an incredible experience and, as you say, a privilege, one extended to you by DD.
Practical considerations - MiL lives nearer, has more time than you, and drives. Of course she's there a lot in these early days. It almost sounds as if you object to her 'whisking away washing', did you want to do it? Her support over food and washing must take a lot of pressure off both your DD and SiL.
She took the baby out in the pram. You seem to see this as a slight to you. While she undoubtedly was proud and happy to do so maybe the couple needed a brief break from the huge responsibility of new parenthood. Recognise that the baby is fortunate to have two loving and caring GMs. It's not a competition but an opportunity for cooperation.
I don't understand your other DD's problem. She's seen the new member of your family and (if she makes up with her sister) surely will soon do so again. No one's keeping tally of who spends time with the baby on a tick chart are they?
Don't let the happy occasion of having a new baby in the family, your first grandchild, deteriorate into a bitter chalking up of scores. Forget these petty imagined slights and apparent preferences. You don't want to be harbouring resentment for years that you didn't get the first pram outing, surely? Give it time and it will all sort out.
And congratulations on your GC, look forward to the wonderful times you'll spend together over many years!

Congrats on becoming a grandmother, it is a wonderful thing. I have had this experience twice now but this time with a new SIL and family so it has also become an issue. I find I have competition from my SILM too. She only lives around the corner and so can drop in whenever she wants. In our family we have always respected each other's need for space. We also know from our own experience that learning to be parents takes time. As a grandmother I know that quality not quantity time together is the most important thing and has more meaning. My dd is not happy with the interference and advice handed out every 5 mins on everything. I only give advice when asked and have found this to be the best policy. Patience on your part is needed as this situation will not last as the novelty wears off or your DD makes her own rules. My own approach is that SILM is jealous of my position in my DD's life and so is trying to muscle in. Fortunately that will never happen but how do you tell SLIM that, especially as her position is secure and there is no need for this behaviour as it will only alienate her with my DD. I have seen it many times with my friends daughters.

Congratulations on becoming a new GM,Loads of good advise already given. But what about offering to look after baby whilst they go out for lunch over the weekend so they can have some couple time and you get baby duties for the evening, surely paternal gran cannot encroach on that.

You re all feeling you feet so to speak and it will settle. There s a good chance your daughter s m I l will be being seen by ur daughter as interfering too much but she doesn't want to upset her husband/ partner by telling her. She will be all hormonal and over the place anyway . The bottom line is she is getting help with the chores by someone who can pop over in car and help her while she is getting used to motherhood, so be glad for her. She knows u Don drive and work. I'd ask her if u could come over on a specific day, take baby out, and have a nice day with them. Just bite ur tongue and it will be fine soon.

Agree with Crazygrandma2- if you were at the birth then your position is absolutely secure- what an honour!!! Agree with the others about different family styles which come out around the grand-children. Our grandchildren re older now but the "other" grandparents, especially grandma, operate at a level of wanting to know detail about everything that I would find so tedious and intrusive. I am kept for the 'big stuff' that might not get shared to the others until absolutely necessary!!!

It's usually the other way round. DIL's parents see much more of our two grandsons and her mother always has to Facebook when they have seen them which I take as rubbing our noses in it. I used to get very upset but now I think just get on with it, it's their loss. DS and family live an hour away and we see them every three weeks or so and the boys are so excited to see us. Life's too short to fret over what you can't change.

I am in the same position only I am the paternal grandmother. My daughter in law only has time for her parents - they are separated and jockey for position. We all live some distance away but they are there separately almost every other week. When my son mentions he would like us to go down my DiL can never find a weekend free for us. It is making both me and my DH very sad but there seems to be nothing we can do. We get pictures sent and the occasional video but apart from that we may be offered a couple of hours in a restaurant once ever 3 months whereas her mother often goes and stays with them. Of course she is on her own and if we go down we have to stay with my DD or in a hotel, which we don't mind doing. It would just be nice to be asked. My son does Facetime me sometimes but my DGD is only 2 and finds that daunting. I am also sure the other Nana bad mouths me to her daughter although we are the cash cows in the family and have on many occasions opened up our home to my DiL's whole family and there are many. We do not complain, however, as we do not want to make things worse and give them grounds not to see us.