NANNY DROP

reading your post just now made me cry. I don't want to imagine your pain and loss at losing your daughter and think you are incredibly brave.
It would seem normal and understandable to be very sad to leave your little granddaughter and to miss her.
For what it's worth my feeling is that you are doing amazingly well. Allow yourself some sad time.......

I fear my DGD will be lost when my DF passes away.
Where do I start. I have 2 DGC a boy 6 years and a girl 3 years. The boy lives 2 and a half hours away but I still see him every couple of weeks.
My DGD I have nearly everyday.
She is the apple of the eye of my Dear parents. But my father who is 70 is terminally ill with pancreatic cancer. Our DGD I take to visit them everyday as I care for them and the bond they have is incredible. I really do not know how she will deal with losing her DGGD . She walks about wrapped around him hugging him permanently as if she knows. She does gardening pottering about with my DF. My other GC has experienced losing a GGM already and he totally understands.
I think that he will not be as heartbroken and lost as our 3 year old. Has anyone got any advice?

I lost two of my sons through a genetic illness and found the birth of my first grandchild much more emotional than I had anticipated. I contacted The Child Bereavement Trust by email and found the reply from one of their counsellors reassuring. The emotional surges settled and did not return with the birth of my second grandchild. I have found literature from the CBT very useful.

I don't know how people carry on at all after losing a child, you are all amazing. I can't see anything wrong myself with having a good cry regularly, grief is a long process and weeping a natual response. I am sure other culture do grief differently and 3 years is nothing.

I envy you seeing your grandchild so often, mine are miles away and not so often seen, but loved of course. Can you boost the in between times with a Skype session? a story slot where you read to her or play a game with her?

I see my GC on Skype and it is lovely, I read stories that I make up for them about the exploits of my naughty dog and they tell me all their news, it can be quite flexible and impromtu, so might alleiviate the chasm that you experience between visits.

I do feel for all of you that have suffered such deep hurts.

Hi I don't think it has anything to do with your daughter. It is a reflection of your love for your grandchild.
Whenever my granddaughters visit aged 3 and 1, once they leave I feel a great loss and emptiness. Very often I feel very tearful. I think it is our maternal nature taking over.
I find it very sad to clear their toys away hugging their teddies and sitting on the bed where they slept.
They don't live close so like you I have to wait to see them.

Wish you had some advise for me Madgran

So very sorry for the loss of your dear daughter Cookie I can understand how your feelings for your GD are getting mixed up in the grieving for your lost DD. I think the advise on here re counseling is a really good one, you should set that up asap. I'm grieving for my D too, but in a different way. God Bless you xx

As a bereavement counsellor, I am so sure that this is tied up with your grief for your daughter. Please, please get some bereavemt counselling and talk about your feelings about your emotions around your granddaughter at the same time. Your pain, your sadness, your joy and upset with your granddaughter are all so human and so normal in your difficult situation xx

So deeply sorry, Cookie, and all else here who have lost a son or daughter. I can't imagine any greater loss. So heartbreaking!

Cookie, I agree with the others that you need more counseling. I don't think you've worked through your grief enough. It may never be fully over, but, imo, it's clear you need more help in coping with it.

Meanwhile, if videos of gd help you deal with the loss of dd, then perhaps they will help you when you're missing gd, herself. Just please remember, she's not dd or a replacement for dd, no matter how much she may remind you of her (which I imagine is part of it). She's an individual in her own right. Please keep that in mind.

I'm so sorry you and others too have had such a big sadness to cope with. I've no personal experience of losing a child myself but have supported bereaved people in my working life. As others have said, I think your feelings of sadness are connected to losing your daughter. One of my own daughters lost a close friend the year after they both left uni. It was a long time before she could cope with any family goodbyes, or form close relationships. I think she was prepetually worried that something bad would happen to others she loved. In fact not until she had some counselling a number of years later..So I encourage you to seek out support, you'll always have a sadness about your daughter but you want to be able to enjoy this new little one too.

cookiemonster , as others have said, it seems very likely that you are still grieving.

It may be that your GP can help with referral for counselling support, but often a doctor will refer for generalised counselling or talking therapy whereas you have quite specific grieving needs. It may therefore be more helpful to contact Cruse.

I have lost a daughter too and over time I have come to see that becoming a new nanny has brought out new grief in me - it is not surprising really. You have intimated that the loss of your daughter was sudden and unexpected and this can make it harder to process grief. I lost my daughter suddenly - didn't get to say 'goodbye' and some partings with loved ones leave me anxious still (eleven years on).

It is good that you recognise that there may be a grieving link for you. Counselling may not make 'the drop' go away, but it may come to feel more manageable in time.

Heartfelt condolences to you and all those posting here who have to deal with the unending sorrow of losing a child.

I agree with all the posters who said it is not normal to go into a depression especially as you see your little one every week it is for sure your reaction to your loss and totally understandable, I think losing a child is the worst thing possible
Coming and going for a grandchild is normal but each time she goes home you relive your own loss
Please do get some long term help, some counselling, which will never put it right but hopefully will give you some tools to make you able to deferentiate between your major loss and your natural separations

I don't think is normal at all. I think as others have said it has more to do with your sad loss.
You are so lucky to see your GD every week. I have 3 GC in USA who I haven't seen for 3 years. It makes me sad but not the way you describe.
Please go and see your doctor I am sure you will get the help you need there. I hope you feel a lot better soon.

I am so sorry that you have suffered this dreadful loss; and I am sure that you know that your reaction to your DGD leaving each week is not as it might normally be, but is part of your grieving the loss of your DD.

It is important that you get some help, as the years will fly by and your DGD will be of and away to school and to parties etc, so the regularity of the visits will change. It might help if you could get some help with your (very understandable) feelings before then.

But it is lovely that you have a delightful DGD to lift your spirits; but as you rightly say, she cannot be your emotional crutch, however understandable that need is.

I do feel for you in this difficult situation and hope that you might be able to find the right source of support for you.

HeyHo - great minds think alike, I wear a heart locket my daughter gave me, when I see the grandaughter she always makes a beeline for it, and I tell her all about my daughter, her aunty who is up in heaven with the angels (not that she understands at her young age) but I want her to be remembered and talked about, so your ring, my necklace is a great idea thanks xxx

Same age grandchild, who I see once a week too. Yes I miss her when she leaves, but I don't count down the days to the next visit - though I'm always aware roughly how long it will be until I see her again.
I am so sorry you lost your daughter, but you must look after you (for your grandchild's sake as well as your own). You are obviously a caring loving gran.
Good luck

I think you are still grieving and depressed. Please get some help from your GP who may set up counselling. You owe it to your H and yourself.

All excellent comments on here - I too lost a son - 21 years ago, and I still am near to tears most of the time. My whole family has a time line 'before j died' ' after j died' - my dear granddaughter is a wee bit older than yours, but I bought myself a pinky ring when she was a baby and it is two hearts entwined. One heart was her, one was me, and now she has a baby brother, one heart is for each of them.
When I feel sad I look at the hearts on my finger and know I am loved - try it - because the extra special thing is that my granddaughter is now 6, and every time we meet - which is often weeks apart because of where we live - she wants to look at my heart ring, and she will tell everyone that 'When granny feels sad, she looks at this ring, because the hearts are for me and J... , and the ring makes her happy again!' It's like magic - try it do, xxx

Some very sensible posts here. I always feel bleugh when they leave but I know I'm not up tomaking their visits all singing alldancing these days at14,12,10,8 this year. You seem to be reliving your loss of your daughter every week. This can't be good for you. I also second cruse for help. There must be no pain like losing a child. There will never be enough flowers to send to you.

Cookie & Twice AN sending heartfelt thoughts to your both on the loss of your DCs,something I could never imagine getting over.
Cookie Do you see your DD when she was younger in your DGD ? even though something so tragic has never happened to me I to loath the time when my GGD goes home after an afternoon here but not to the extent you are feeling can you not see your little one during a visit to her home or maybe arrange to take her out for a walk or trip to baby group.((hugs for you both))

Thanks Twice as Nice - sorry to hear about the loss of your son , losing a child is like a living hell and no-one can truly understand the zombie state we live through from day to day unless you have lost a child yourself. I have attended a mothers bereavement weekend run by compassionate friends, 3 months after she died but nothing since, maybe I should look into some more counselling. I dont want my grandaughter to be an emotional crutch, but she brings me such joy in a life full of sadness. Thanks for your suggestions and big hugs to you too!

I wonder, have you had some counselling for the loss of your daughter? It was an awful thing to happen and grief can last a long time and affect every part of your life.
It's lovely that your granddaughter brings you such joy but like Nina I don't think your reaction to her leaving is right. Feeling a bit flat and taking an hour or two to adjust to the quiet is normal. But hanging your whole life on seeing her again and weeping in the loo is worrying. Please think about getting some help.

I think your reaction is partly to do with the loss of your daughter. ( I lost a son many years ago and 3 years is a blink of an eye in your grief, I am so sorry for your loss and send you all my sympathy) I also understand how you feel about your grandchild leaving. I used to live 150 miles away from my grandchildren, when they left after visiting for the weekend I would cry as I cleared up the house and had a lump in my throat for the rest of the day, it, took me a couple of days to feel ok again and I just kept looking forward to the next weekend. If you can plan visits in advance I found I felt better when I knew when the next visit was happening especially if something nice was planned during the visit. Do you think it might help for you to have some grief counselling? Cruse is excellent, operates nationally and will come to your home to see you. The Compassionate Friends and The Bereaved Parents Network are also good support organisations who have groups where parents who have lost children can connect and support each other. Please pm me if you would like too and please take care of yourself. I hope you and your husband are able to talk about your daughter together, many couple find this very hard to do and grieve separately.

cookie I was so sad to hear about your daughter. I can't imagine what a massive heartbreak that must be. I only have one grandchild who we see regularly, and the house echoes when he goes home. He has just been on holiday for two weeks and as yet we have not seen him as they are away again until tommorrow. Both DH and I have felt his absence keenly and yes, I, particularly, tend to get down in the dumps about it. You have an added weight on your emotions which must be very hard to bear, but your granddaughter brings you great joy and you have her growing up and all the changes in her life to look forward to. It will be a rollercoaster you will love to ride I can assure you. Please try and take heart from all the joy you have to come. ?

I think this has something to do with the loss of your daughter. (I'm sorry for your loss) Your reactions don't seem normal to me. A lot of nannies would admit to a secret sigh of relief when the DGC leave and there are many who long for a weekly visit due to distance or what ever reason and those who never have the pleasure.
I don't know what to suggest apart from try and count your blessings