Here we go again

Do not take sides - support them both and especially the GC. I'm sure your son knows how angry and disappointed you are with him. I'm sure he is feeling a right heel at the moment. and clearly worried that he's really blown it. This may well be the making of your son. Maybe he needs to risk losing everything before he finally grows up.

An affair does not necessarily mean the end of a marriage. Surprisingly it may actually make their relationship better. However there is a lot of anger, pain etc to be worked through first and that takes a lot of time. It's probably clear that I'm talking from bitter experience. I wish it had never happened but then if it hadn't, I doubt we would be where we are today, happier than we've ever been. It is not your fault, as an adult he is responsible for his own decisions.

I feel for both your DIL and your DS. It's simply horrible. I wish you all well.

Crossed posts

I disagree. I don't think the DIL has been immature. She obviously trusts britgran and has chosen to confide in someone who loves and is committed to her DH. Sorry life is so hard at the moment britgran. It will improve.

Actually I disagree Starlady. She needed to talk to someone and she turned to the people who, apart from her, presumably know the guy best and so could understand her and the problem best. Most sensible thing she could do and the OP is supporting her emotionally as well as practically as a result.

Poor dil! But I think it was immature of her to run to his mum and dad with the bad news. She has put you in a very painful, uncomfortable position, causing you worry about a situation you can do nothing about.Yes, you would know about it, eventually, but by then, they would have made their decisions, maybe even have been in counseling (if that's the route they decide to go).

But I suppose she did it in the first throes of her anger and sorrow. I'm so sorry she did, and I'm so sorry ds was selfish and foolish enough to cheat on a lovely wife.

I'm furious with him to inflict such emotional pain on his wife is unforgivable but to risk the happiness of his children is despicable, as an adult it's not our business what he does we just get to pick up the pieces, he is grovelling to his wife and promising to get help and counselling it's my dil's decision what she does we'll support her 100%, our 2yr old GD is staying with us so they can talk, it's funny as far as we know our eldest son and his wife have never had a cross word and that's because he doesn't involve us

Oh brtigran how awful for you. I have seen this happen in other families where despite a good home and loving parents, one child just goes off the rails and stays their determinedly.

I have (quite unscientifically) concluded that as we all seem to be a random mix of genes from several generations of two families. Sometimes the genetic dice comes out all 6s and parents get, to their amazement a 'golden' child, so in other cases it comes out all 1s and you end with a problem child. That is no consolation, but don't blame yourself.

your poor DIL - she obviously trusts you and there are the children to keep in mind. He is a grown man and may eventually come to you - I would support his wife as much as you can and keep contact with her and the children.