Wedding sadness

How old are they?

As a recently retired Primary school Deputy Headteacher ( i.e. Finished in July so technically still a DHT til 31st Aug!) I know that absences from school are recorded as unauthorised unless the child is ill, there are exceptional circumstances or a family wedding is being attended. For the latter the absence from school would be authorised. Obviously proof would be sought as some children would probably be attending weddings very regularly!
This may help re older child attending and therefore still able to be a bridesmaid. Good Luck ?

Some of the long journeys we had when the DC were little are now part of our family folklore and the worst ones made the best memories. The DC always enjoyed them, however frazzled we were - what fun is there for a child in sitting at home? We had a 15 hour journey from Europe yesterday and the children who joined our coach on their way home from Euro Disney were as happy as Larry. Their parents looked ready to drop mind.

If I said anything it would be something constructive...like perhaps they could treat it like a holiday and split the travel over a couple of days. We've done this before and it worked fine...the travelling was part of the occasion. Of course, there's the expense of them all staying overnight somewhere but maybe you could generously offer to pay for that as a treat for them.

I agree with lemongrove. They don't want to take the children. They have made their excuses and they have to be accepted. It is not about obstacles that you can help them to overcome. None of them are insurmountable if there was the will. They don't enjoy family gatherings but are going anyway themselves which is probably as much as you can expect.
Given that this is where they are, any offers of help will just sound like nagging. I don't see that you have any option than to accept that this is the way they want to live their lives and respect it.

Just reading through all the replies, it is not until your own later post that it becomes clear that your son and his wife ARE attending the wedding but have just re considered bringing the children. I can understand why they don't want to put the 2 year old through such a long journey, and taking the older child out of school is not as easy these days as it used to be, we have all read in the press about parents being fined for doing just that. I think they are reaching a compromise by attending themselves without the children, and although you are disappointed maybe you should look at the bigger picture. Travelling such a distance is expensive, they are a young family who undoubtedly have financial constraints ( raising a family is costly, and you mention that you have helped them in the past) They do not wish to accept more financial assistance, and you say yourself that this is admirable. I think you need to just swallow your disappointment on this occasion, it's not worth causing a possible permanent rift in the family. There will be other occasions in the future when the children are older that the family can all be together, please don't say something you may live to regret. They have their reasons for coming to their decision and the best thing you can do is be happy on the day for the Bride and Groom.

And of course they will be missing from the previous wedding photographs too . Such a shame. I do hope they reconsider .

lemongrove, I agree entirely with you.

I really feel for jojojo as I thinks it's quite sad. She quite rightly wants to show off her DGC to the wider family and is naturally disappointed that she won't have the opportunity ( and let's face it what better opportunity than a close family wedding) I do think the elder son and his wife are being a bit spiteful and probably using the travelling distance as an excuse not to bring the children with them . What's wrong with stopping 2-3 times en route? Which children don't love the train? And the wedding was arranged for half term to take into account the children's participation in the family event . I think it's sad when younger people don't see the bigger picture and forget that they too will get older . How might they feel being denied time spent with their grandchildren ? We all get old eventually.

Lots of people going on long journeys by car book a Travelodge or Premier Inn to break their journey ...yes it adds to the cost but not substantially and you can travel at your own time as opposed to flying or going by rail. It does seem they have not thought this out properly from the when they first agreed to go. As they don"t get to see all the family very often due to distance involved this would have been the perfect opportunity for a complete family get together. I can understand your disappointment as I would be as well. Who is looking after their children for them....have they been talked out of it and now see this as a lovely child free time for themselves without thinking it through properly. Being a bridesmaid when you are a little girl creates a special memory that you cherish. Perhaps it is not too late for them to have a re-think over this.

If the wedding was arranged purely and simply to fit in with half term and to allow your granddaughter to be bridesmaid, I think your older son and wife are being selfish and need to be told that younger son's arrangements were all predicated on that. More to the point, it seems like they are being doubly selfish because why would they not book transport 9 months ago - the only reason I can think of is that they were not committed to being at the wedding. If they knew this 9 months ago, they should have done the decent thing and said so at the time so that the bridesmaid situation could have been re-organised and the disappointments now felt by the GD and your younger son did not reach the stage they are now. Yes, long journey's with kids can be tiresome, but once in a while they can and should be done - it's part of growing up. Sounds to me as though they are isolating themselves, and for the future you should be on top of this to ensure your own contact with your grandchildren.

And believe me the length of country journey we do with our severely autistic adult is HELL. But we do it because he loves visiting his family and they love seeing him (& some are too elderly to visit him). It's the 'cost' if you like of maintaining family ties.

But you can't force people to see it that way - they either see family as important or they don't. I can understand why you feel the way you do but I guess you just have to leave them to it.

I'd just keep out of it , but I know how u feel.

Of course you can't say anything, jojojo, but I can understand your hurt and I'm sure they'll be missed at the wedding. Your younger son obviously really wanted the children to be there when the wedding date was planned around them. I'm afraid I think it's very thoughtless of your other son and his wife to give backword having agreed to go as a family - it would have been completely different if they'd given it some thought earlier and explained that they couldn't all make it. And the 6 year old will be the most disappointed if she was looking forward to being a bridesmaid. Having said you shouldn't say anything.....perhaps just one more very tactful attempt to get them to accept the airfare from you?

Oh they sound ridiculous. We drive the length of the county and take a ferry with a severely autistic adult to visit family. A couple of young kids is a doddle in comparison (have done that as well). And what a shame for the 6 year old to miss out on being bridesmaid.

Nothing you can do though - I would have to bite my lip extremely hard but I guess they are just demonstrating how much effort they are willing to put in. Are they people who never drive on motorways or something?

Have some mantra you can repeat in your head when you are in danger of saying something you might regret and leave it at that!

Journeys are tiring. Full stop.
Some people find travelling with kids more stressful than others do. Full stop.
Some people think modern weddings are not ideal for little kids.

It doesn't matter what anyone who isn't the parents ivolved in this decision think or say they would do. They are not being asked to do it. People differ in what they find easy or difficult to do.

Where is the much spoken of acceptance of diversity? Diversity is not just about skin colour and ethnic origins. Accepting diversity means being accepting of people's different choices in situations like this.

Just go to the wedding and enjoy it for yourself. If part of your family don't want to get involved - and it does seem they want to keep very much to themselves - just respect that and get on with your own life. Whatever you do, don't make an issue out of it or you may end up with a pointless and painful family feud. You can't live other people's lives for them, however disappointed you feel.

With all the things k ids can have now as in car entertainment I do puzzle as to why it is that modern parents seem so daunted by journeys. My daughter is 2 hours away, I bought dvd players for in the car and baby tablets games but she is still in a panic when they are coming down.

We used to drive at night with kids in their pj's and frequently drove N Wales to Euro Disney or Cornwall.

I think it is a pity the children won't be there, but it is their choice and people don't seem to put family first quite as much as they used to.

Maybe you're just going to have to keep quiet this time. Could someone...maybe you perhaps organise an event later this year or next year NOT a wedding or christening or funeral (sorry..God forbid!) Our family only ever meets for these events and it occurs to me a get together NOT one of these might just smooth over the problem? There are even places that can be hired say midway between everyone so it's equal travel for all and no one has to worry about extra work or beds?? Just a thought. Xx

It is disappointing for you that the little ones won't be there but it's a relief that their parents will! Enjoy the family that will be present on the day - I too have been sad that my elder GCs have not been seen by the wider family for 5 years but there's been a catch up this year so it will come eventually.

jo you have done the right thing by telling us about your disappointment and not causing ill feeling by telling your family. That is what we are here for.
Have a wonderful day at the wedding.

Thanks for further messages - I do appreciate your thoughts and support. I am sad for the 6 year old who would have loved to be a bridesmaid - she loves being a "princess", dressing up and being the centre of attention.
And of course we never expected them to drive that distance with the children but there are other options, flights particularly, but I cannot press the point any further without a falling out. So I will of course keep quiet and ensure the wedding couple have a wonderful day but I can't hide my disappointment to you - so thanks again for all the replies ??

How strange that they will attend but not bring the girls and to turn down the bridesmaid is really bad news and somewhat selfish of the couple, a little girls dream ...long journey or not Blimey my daughter took her two little ones to NZ when they were 3 and 1 real hard work but worth it to see her brother
Who are the girls going to stay with ? I can well understand you being upset but as others have said nothing you can do but smile sweetly Do you get to see the little girls? There seems more to this than just a long journey most people would grin and bear it and want their kids to be part of a family event ?

Having just endured a 7 hour journey by train from a Birmingham to Glasgow I totally sympathise. And this was hardly one end of the UK to the other.

Seats cramped, toilets filthy, people sitting on floor, food trolley overpriced and little choice. I wouldn't subject a young child to that. I think they have made the right choice, sad though that is for you.

Just enjoy their company and updates on your GC.

It has all been said already, but your posts made me reflect on how as grandparents we can have all sorts of hopes and wishes and see the benefits of certain things, but yet have to be silent and let go of what we cannot control.

I am really glad that your DS1 and DIL will manage to be there with you. It can be rare to get siblings together and I hope your current sadness will give way to the joy of the occasion - including anticipation - as it draws nearer.