Wedding sadness

A long journey is a nightmare with young children. I know from experience! How old are they?
Is a halfway stop possible? Or could you subsidise them for the plane fare? I know I'd cough up if I could!

We used to love our long journeys to Cornwall for our annual holidays when we were children. As long as there are regular breaks, I can't see the problem.

Sorry, just realised my first reply was less than helpful. What a shame for you all, but it seems they aren't that bothered about making too much effort.

More to this I wonder ? We used to drive to Spain when our DDs were small. Just need to be prepared with things to do and eat and drink.
Yes, you could offer to help with the air fare but don't make them feel you are criticising but to let them know how much you would love to see them there with all the family.

Oh that's a shame all round, especially for the wedding couple and your DGD. Of course you too must feel disappointed, even a bit cross at the decision, I know I would.
In order to save the situation; could the parents (with permission) pull the children out of school a day or two before the half term break to get cheaper flights? At least then they would be rested before the big event. Otherwise I agree it may take an offer from you to pay towards the full price flights for them to attend. I would say something along the lines that you feel there is an element of being a bit selfish and unsupportive by not allowing the children to attend.

Oh no, I wouldn't say that bit about being selfish and unsupportive - that's how huge family fall-outs start!

jojojo I know how you feel. It seems to me that increasingly young families are choosing to absent themselves from family get togethers, weddings etc using the excuse it's too far for the children. I say excuse because when our children were young we regularly travelled from one end of the country to the other in order to ensure that our children saw and developed relationships with their grandparents and wider family members. Today parents are much less keen, citing it being too far! What about the benefits of seeing the rest of the family, being part of a large family gathering, enjoying the wedding, widening the children's knowledge of travel, important milestones (weddings), getting along with other people, and putting oneself out for others. Go along the wedding jojojo and enjoy yourself, even though you will miss having all your family there.

I would certainly tell them they should see the daughters point of view,being a bridesmaid is a huge thing for most wee girls and something they remember all their lives.They would likely sleep for most of the journey anyway so being too long for the children is to me an excuse because the parents dont want to go .Ask your son what the REAL reason is and if he sticks with the too long a trip then if you can afford it pay for flights ...its not long on a plane from lands end to John o Groats ,so anywhere inbetween will only be an hour or a bit more

It does sound rather sad, but it is totally their decision. There may be all kinds of reasons they do not wish to make the journey. I think you just have to reiterate to them that you are disappointed they will not be there with you, but that you understand their decision. There's no point in making a big issue of it. If your older son and his family are quite private and choose to live where they do then maybe they are just happier by themselves.

"Oh no, I wouldn't say that bit about being selfish and unsupportive - that's how huge family fall-outs start!"

Ok Ana maybe that's going a bit far, but the OP did say this side of the family couldn't be bothered with family birthdays and get togethers which seems a bit mean and stand-offish to me. If the OP thinks they are being insensitive, and I agree with her, saying something (gentle!) might be better than her suffering and feeling devastated for the rest of her life.

I understand your son and family like their privacy. However it does seem a shame that this was organised with them in mind and they now choose to opt out. I would be upset too and think the journey issue is just an excuse.

Maybe they just don't want to come to the wedding. Did they ask for their travel needs to be taken into account or was it assumed that they would want to come when the date was arranged?

Isn't declining an invitation allowed any more?

"The wedding couple seem sad but resigned to this decision". You ask how you should deal with your feelings on the matter, jojojo. Perhaps you could follow the lead of the wedding couple and resign yourself to it even though you find it sad.

Out of interest, who bought the DGD's bridesmaid dress? I know it might not be a huge outlay, but it might give a clue.

I also would struggle jojojo. If this is recent news give it time to settle. I do think it's a case of least said soonest mended. Your son and his wife have had a confusing change of mind, the journey was always the same length, it hasn't stretched. I wonder, were they asked about their daughter being a bridesmaid or was it assumed she would? Did they every actually seem enthusiastic about going? In the interim period have they decided to distance themselves even more? I think it's OK to say you're disappointed - which I imagine they know - but I wouldn't say anything more. Do you see them regularly? If so you will be able to judge how your granddaughter and her parents are really feeling about it. Others are right, back in the day cars were slower, less reliable and less comfortable, journeys took longer, but we did them and children really didn't mind. Having said that your son and his wife seem to have made their decision, whether excuse or reality, and best to leave it alone. Go to the wedding, smile, don't let this spoil your enjoyment of a special day. Take photos of the children to show people who may ask. Sort of all you can do. The disappointment will fade. Let us know how the day goes.

You say " The wedding couple seem sad but resigned to this decision" and they "keep themselves quite isolated and don't bother with family birthdays, get togethers".

I think they are sending the same message as many young people, they want to live their lives without much family interference. Not much to do about that except to accept they are different to you. Handle your feelings as the wedding couple have, with quiet grace.

Families are becoming more fragmented. It is just part of the way things are today.
Have your sad moments and then look forward to the wedding for the young couple's sake.
Your older S is the loser, it will be normal for his children .

I have just re- read the OP, yes just keep quiet, say oh what a shame and no more. Guilt tripping is the worst thing you can try, and it will not work.

Hi and thanks for all the messages. To be clear - DS & DIL are still going but now choosing not to bring the children. This probably stems from a journey they made of several hours recently when youngest who is 2 would not sleep at all. I do understand the problems with young children so not being unsympathetic but just incredibly sad they will not be there. Dress was bought by the wedding couple who will give it to her anyway. They will not take DGD out of school and won't let us pay for flights as we have helped them financially considerably over last few years & they don't want to take any more, so of course I do respect them for that. I am not being critical of them but just wish things could be different. Family and extended family is very important to me but as you say things are different these days.

Oh and it was not assumed she would be bridesmaid. The parents were asked first and then a couple of months ago the wedding couple asked DGD directly.

That is different then and I don't blame them for not wanting to take young children on a long journey and especially to a wedding. The parents will enjoy the occaision far more without fractious tired children , knowing they are being looked after at home.
I hope you all have a lovely day.

To be honest I wouldn't want to travel the length of the country with a two year old. Taking the girl out of school could be a problem nowadays and she might not enjoy being paraded about in front of a lot of strangers. I can see that you are disappointed but I'm sure it won't be the last opportunity to show them off.

Oh dear, jojojo, if I have understood correctly Mum and Dad will still go but without both children. I wonder if they considered taking just their older child. The two year old will have little or no memory of staying home. I imagine fhr maternal extended family or friends will provide care while your son and daughter in law attend. So, yes go to the wedding pin on a smile and say no more than you have. You've offered potential solutions and it seems understand and respect the refusal, so all you can do is leave it alone and just focus on the happiness of the wedding day. In the meantime I'm back to least said soonest mended.

Ah well, I guess you do what we all do which is to make the best of it and think about all the things we do have that others don't. It is a disappointment but I hope that it all goes well and that you have a lovely day with both your sons

I would say nothing at all, ever, about it.Family feuds can soon kick off.Sounds as if the family who won't attend,enjoy being isolated and do not like family gatherings and are using distance as an excuse.Leave things alone, just be non committal to other relatives about it.