Wedding sadness

Best wedding I attended kept formality to a minimum, with plenty for the young guests to do. 25% of the guests were children, we all joined in games. Best moment was the bride getting on the bouncy castle. Each to their own.

"No assumptions were made - elder couple were kept informed and involved all along. Bridal couple made sure elder couple were happy with DGD being bridesmaid before asking her directly."

Oh dear. How disappointing for dgd...

Unless she didn't really want to do it. Not all little girls do. Some get too nervous. (I have a niece like that - horrified at the idea!) Maybe that's why the parents changed their minds, but they thought it would hurt bride and groom's feelings to tell them the truth.

Or maybe "something happened" between the 2 couples that you don't know about... Or...

But, of course, that is all speculation. Good on you for NOT "making a family row" and for now focusing "on the bridal couple having a wonderful day!"

Hope you have a great day, too, and maybe, tell us all about it afterwards!

I totally understand you being upset JoJoJo - us grans like nothing more than to have all the family together and this is your younger son's big day and thus a very big day for you too. I wonder if DiL is behind the decision - often the 'outlaw' is less than keen to put themselves out for their in-laws and can cause a rift between siblings. Sounds like they are using the cost of airfare as an excuse - did they leave it too late on purpose I wonder? They could drive overnight so the GC would sleep en route; stop over en route; make lots of breaks - there are ways and means if they want to be there but it really sounds like they don't. Poor GC are going to miss out on being part of an extended family and having cousins in the future and oh, yes, the joy of being a bridesmaid - my daughter was a 4 year old flower girl to a second cousin in deepest Wales and we were living abroad at the time and had a very long car journey but would not have dreamt of turning down the opportunity for her and for us all to be there. I don't think you can 'interfere' but can allow yourself to express your disappointment and sadness that they won't be there and leave it at that. Older son will have to deal with his daughter's disappointment, if she is old enough to have understood what is going on. Hope you have a wonderful day with or without older son and family.

jojojo I think your decision is right but I am very surprised that the parents have made this decision AFTER their daughter has been asked directly; how disappointing for her. I don't envy them explaining that to a 6 yar old, thinking about my own 6 yr old GD!

Best wedding I ever attended was child-free. Family had huge reservations about this state of affairs initially but everyone ended up having a great time and agreed that it had been such a good decision. Never once took my children to a wedding even although they were invited. Had no reason to 'show them off'. Children often find it difficult to sit still through the beautiful sanctimony of the ceremony, they want down from the table the minute they've finished eating and they tend to be a nightmare on the dance floor. I love 'em all (well most of them!) but.....there's a time and place methinks.

Good choice, I doubt you will even notice on the busy day, the wedding. Have fun.

That's all you can do now, jojojo. The bridal couple sound delightful and I hope they, you, and the rest of your family have the fantastic day they deserve.

No assumptions were made - elder couple were kept informed and involved all along. Bridal couple made sure elder couple were happy with DGD being bridesmaid before asking her directly. That is why this decision is particularly disappointing and of course the previous poster is right I am not "devastated" that was overreaction on my part but that is why I sought your support on here rather than making a family row out of this as no good will come of that. Thanks for your comments an support everyone ? Now to concentrate on the bridal couple having a wonderful day ?

Some kids do better than others at weddings, it seems to me. One has to trust the parents to know what their kids can handle. Two years olds, as Mrs.Allboys suggests, are bound to act like two year olds, regardless of the occasion. And even older kids can get restless. What seems like a beautiful, exciting day to us adults may be very boring to a 6-year-old.

But I'm not clear about whether or not the 6 knew she was invited to be a bridesmaid or not or it her parents had agreed to this before the bride and groom set the date. It's possible the bride and groom just planned the date that way, assuming their niece would be there.

Op mentions that the little girl's dress was "just bought" but doesn't say by whom. I question whether the parents would buy it and then decide not to bring her. It sounds more like the bridal couple provided a dress for her before the parents told them for sure if she would be attending or not. I get the feeling a lot of assumptions were made here without the 2 couples really communicating. Maybe I'm wrong, of course.

But the parents have made their decision, the bridal couple has accepted it and so has the op. If the op complains or makes any further offers, I doubt it will do any good. Most likely, they will just say, "Don't tell us what to do with our children!" That seems to be the way young parents answer these days, fwiw.

I understand where the parents are coming from. Although as a grandmother, from a more robust generation, my instincts are different of course; I think the journey is probably an excuse. However the two year old really is too young to remember anything much and certainly too young to be able to 'rise to the occasion'. Two is two and behaves accordingly. The six year old may be very disappointed and although quite young she would be able to sustain 'appropriate' behaviour for some while, but not indefinitely. Therefore the parents would have to keep her under constant supervision, which would mean they couldn't really relax and enjoy the wedding. However, if you as grandparents, agreed to be in charge of her that may be a solution. It is a difficult situation and depends I think on how seriously keen your little granddaughter is to be a bridesmaid. If she is not devastated by not going then I wouldn't try to find any more ways around it. Just be happy that you will have both your children together for a wonderful occasion. ?

Train journey may be long but not so bad with little ones. Better than car. It's a one off event. They will love it once there. I would encourage that thought!

"The parents were asked first and then a couple of months ago the wedding couple asked DGD directly."

So when you were encouraging them, 9 months ago, to buy plane tickets maybe they hadn't decided whether to take the children.
Then they felt pushed into taking them and into accepting the dress, because DGD had been asked to be bridesmaid without checking with her parents first.
Now, after thinking about it, they've decided against taking the children on that long journey.

It doesn't matter how many people on here think they are being unreasonable, that is the choice they have made and you just have to accept it.

(Crumbs! I know I didn't write that post! There's two of us!)

I think it's better that the children stay at home. Their parents will enjoy it more and the children would be too young to remember it anyway. Certainly not worth having words about.

Long journey it maybe but an important one nevertheless. I suspect they would not think twice about taking their children on holiday aboard despite the distance. I find it quite sad or angry even that families today find all the excuses under the sun not to involve their children in family get togethers, especially weddings, when it is these important occasions that tell the children where they come from and whom they belong and so a good reason to get to know their extended family.

I would let them know my feelings, children today are use to long journeys and if planned right it can be quite an adventure for them, with an exciting day at the end of it and at very low cost; giving the boring expensive days out that is on offer at the moment, how often does that happen? All it takes is a little effort from the parents to make it happen.You have to sell the idea to the parents.

To pull their daughter out of being a bridesmaid after they had, presumably, agreed for her to do it is just plain rude and thoughtless especially after the bride took half term into account on their behalf when setting the date. The distance to be travelled hasn't changed since they made the commitment. They obviously just can't be bothered to make the effort. I'm sorry that one half of your family has let you and your other son down in this way but there really isn't anything to be done about it as they have made their decision. I certainly wouldn't keep offering sweeteners in the form of financial help for travel. Maybe that is why they choose to live such a long way away because they are not interested in close family ties.

It'd take more than what's mentioned here to "devastate" me. A lot more.

I understand your feelings - I'd be devastated too. But you've already made it ckear that you are disappointed and offered to help with fares etc so you'll just have to let it go and put a brave face on it! It's not worth falling out over it. I like the idea of a photo of the little girl in her bridesmaid's dress for all to see.

jevive73, I think you have the right idea, nowadays young people like friends much more than family, in many families. Just a fact.

Weddings and funerals! I can understand why they would want to leave young children behind.

I think you must not say anything and enjoy the day, after all, it's about someone's wedding day and they have invited people to celebrate with them. If arrangements with the children's travel cannot be made due to distance, then so be it. It cannot be helped.

I will have a similar dilemma in two year's time as my niece has chosen the venue a few hours drive away and to stay over will be quite expensive. I have two years to decide (!!), but if travel arrangements prove difficult (it's also being held in winter) then we will have to make a decision not to go.

It's not about us, it's about them. Enjoy the day and celebrate xx

Not everyone enjoys big family get togethers. Nowadays a lot of younger people have large friendship groups.
I don't like big get togethers.

We travel several times a year to the NW, about 4 hours. Very difficult with children, not at all a pleasant journey. This couple don't want to take the children, probably don't enjoy family gatherings and to attending anyway, that is quite nice and you may need to be happy with that.

Oh and yes, I understand, too, that you're disappointed for the 6-yr-old. I would be, also. In fact, if I were her mum, I think I would have made the effort to let her have that experience.

But I'm glad to see you're not going to say anything and are just venting to us. Good for you! That's the best idea, imo!

My first thought is that there another of couple of snowflakes in the making. I look after my DGS and his parents don't like him to travel any further than 30 minutes in the car with me but are quite happy to take him up to Yorkshire from the South of England themselves. Personally, I think they are just blessed awkward but hey ho. We used to travel through the night on a long journey; my 2 year old travelled to Costa Rica with me quite happily. It takes a little effort to keep them occupied but it isn't rocket science - I think they used to call it parenting. However, it's not worth splitting a family up over it which is another thing I seem to remember you didn't do if you disagreed with someone. You just used to say, "Ah well, you can choose your friends but not your family." It just seems like this so called tolerant younger generation are the most intolerant when it comes to family and political correctness.

Oh, I realize, I misunderstood - I thought DS and DIL weren't coming at all. But now I see they ARE are coming, just not bringing the kids.

Oh well, it still doesn't surprise me, given the history. Seems like you're lucky that, at least, they will be there. Pl

Again, I feel your disappointment and I'm so very sorry. Please don't say anything to them though about the kids not being there. That may just result in their not coming to anything in the future, themselves.