Moody grand-daughter

Perhaps an apology both ways would set a good example, surely it would be perfectly ok if youiGranddaughter said sorry for being moody, & you could say you are sorry for being cross but that it was because you didn't understand why she seemed moody, & that you will listen to her if she has a problem which would be much nicer for both of you.

Rolande - I am sorry for your loss.

The last thing you need at the moment is a family rift.

I am very clear that telling parents how to parent their own children is entirely wrong in principle, and I would have been jolly cross is my parents or in-laws had done so. So I do not think you should do this; and it might help things if you apologised and said that you were out of order and that you respect their right as grown adults to make their own decisions about how they deal with their own children.

A few weeks ago we had a 12 year old GD here with all the erst of the family and she sat and sulked in the car for most of the time. When she did appear we said nothing and just drew her into what was going on with no comment at all. No-one got angry with her, as this is not appropriate - girls of that age have a lot to deal with and small things can flick their switch - it is not their fault.

Ignoring this is not "pandering to her", but trying to understand what is going on in her life. She then gets the message that what she is doing is not worth comment, but she also needs to know that she is loved unconditionally. I hope that was the message my DGD got from us.

Her parents were also wise enough to ignore what was happening - trying to jolly a teenager along when they are in this mood is a lost cause; and it looks as though her parents knew that.

I really do think you should let them make their own decisions - you need your family at the moment.

Let the parents do the telling off - its their problem - grannies just need to be tolerant and accepting and keep on loving - even though its difficult Having said that i have snapped at the grandchildren but have apologised swiftly and explained the reason that has made me cross - this usually works and harmony is restored.
p.s. ( so sorry for your loss)

Rolande.
You are in grief and may I say feeling vulnerable over the loss of DH.You have lost the one person who may have supported you when it comes to the right approach in dealing with a moody teenager.
This episode if left to fester could cause a rift between SIl and DD.
Can you not apologise to your family ,it is their child not yours and teenagers can be moody as many of us will have experienced.
After all your daughter did phone you, not you her, which shows she does not want a rift between you over a moody teenager.
Bite the bit next time you visit them or they visit you no matter what your feelings are.

Try and laugh and make a joke of her behaviour. Download Pinterest, type in " moody teenagers" and you will find some hilarious quotes. I send them to my moody teenager and it even makes her laugh ! But I do agree that it's unacceptable in certain circumstances and it's wrong to not speak up and enable the rudeness to continue. No one can go thro life with that attitude, and manners and civility should be taught at home.

13 year olds are a nightmare. You are in the right but, without the wholehearted backing of the child's mother, which looks unlikely, you are not going to get an apology. Let it go. A few years down the line your granddaughter will have changed into another person.

My son at the age of 13 did and said things which should have seen him locked up! He's 28 now and a nicer chap you couldn't meet. He has never apologised in so many words for the unhappiness he caused his DF and I but has made it clear in other ways that he loves us and is sorry.

Whilst I would agree that grandparents should not generally criticise their children's parenting, I think that in this case there is an exception. The rude behaviour happened in Rolande's home and Rolande is grieving, having recently been bereaved.
The grand-daughter's parents, I feel, are at fault here. They should have been sensitive to Rolande's feelings.

Perhaps talk to her parents separately rather than tell your GD off directly - they're her parents, you overrode them which is bound not to have gone well...

IngeJones ! "Destined not to like her"! I adore this child. Just this trait of personality I have a hard time with. Perhaps I have overreacted. All I know is I cant stop crying. It's hard not to have my husband point of view on all this, I feel very alone right now

Teenagers, especially girls, I think most annoying, loveable, moody little whatsits.
Just go with the flow, she will get better.
Give her a hug next time you see her or a phone call.

I think you are entitled to a bit of respect in your own home TBH. Grandma's house-Grandma's rules.
I also have a very difficult GD who has been a proper little madam since she arrived. Now 9 going on 35 & she can be very difficult. As I have them to stay ( a lot!!) when parents not here I make the rules but now she has started texting her mum if I tell her to do something she doesn't want to do- like go to bed at a reasonable time ( & I really do give her a lot of leeway but I don't think a 9 year old should stay up as late as her 13 year old brother. There have to be some advantages to being the eldest)
To give DiL her due she doesn't get involved but it is such a sneaky thing to do. I confiscate all phones at bedtime now having found her still awake when I went to bed 'chatting' to her friends. TBH I don't see why a 9 year old needs a phone but hey! not my decision or problem -although her brothers had to wait until they started secondary school & were coming home by themselves.
IMHO I think you are entitled to make the rules in your own home & a bit of respect never hurt anyone- I'd never have got away with it & I doubt many of 'our age group' would have done.

FlorenceFlower I wish there was a like button on here for that

Gosh, what a lot going on.

So sorry that you have recently lost your husband. Presumably he was also dad and granddad to your daughter and dgd? So everyone grieving and possibly lots of unhappiness?

I adored my grandmother, who died when I was 34 ... and she NEVER criticised or chastised me in front of anyone and certainly not in front of my parents. I remember her as always being lovely, realistic and understanding, and I was a VERY silly and sulky teenager.

I do hope that you put this behind you and that family harmony is restored soon ?

I was moody as a child. I was also desperately unhappy and I believe that I was fairly young when I first suffered from depression. I would just be told off for it which made me more unhappy and more lonely.
Her parents may not be dealing with it in the best way but it is not necessarily manipulation on her part.

Harrigran for goodness sake grammar and spelling is totally irrelevant to this conversation. We all knew what she meant. Her communication skills were perfectly adequate for this forum.

I am in a similar situation to Yogagirl, in my case I haven't seen my grand daughter (36) or great grand daughter (now 6) for four years, owing to tactlessness on my side, which I tried to apologies for but my apology wasn't accepted, so Rolande, although you are hurting from your recent bereavement turn the other cheek before things get worse.

RedheadMommy - good for you for joining in if you are dyslectic , it must be difficult for you.

Your grand daughter seems to have lost her grand father, been in his home and may have felt sadness. Kids that age all all elbows and emotions.

It would cost her so much more to apologise, than it would you, to see her as someone as upset as you are.

You don't know what is behind it but seems like feelings are raw all round.

You can insist on an apology it would just be words, you can offer her some comfort, that would just be love, the choice of course is yours.

I don't think "you was rude". But don't punish yourself by keeping your distance. Your GD is at the age where she should be willing to be at least polite to her Grandma! Shame your SIL had to step in and make it worse. I don't understand why parents make excuses for their children.

This sounds like my DGD and she has been difficult all her life. Now nearly fourteen with hormones raging, she has a face like thunder most of the time. She is on the autistic spectrum, but that only partly excuses the behaviour. I give her one to one time with me. I sometimes take her on the bus and let her choose birthday and Christmas presents for me to buy later on. We have a hot drink in her favourite coffee place. She is a different person once on her own and it certainly puts our relationship on a firmer footing. She is less likely to play up at my house as she doesn't want to miss out on her special time with me. Have you tried time away from her parents?

Your granddaughter is a seperate person from the rest of her family. It may be you're destined not to like her or get on with her and vice versa. I would advise against dealing with it in a way that spoils your relationship with her father and mother and any other siblings. Can you not simply ignore her and chat happily to the other members of the family? Maybe she'd start to get envious of the attention you give them and work out how to make you like her too? Or maybe she won't but at least you won't have fallen out with your daughter over her, to make things worse!

I'm sorry about your bereavement Rolande and think probably your whole family need time to recover from it. That said you wouldn't have wanted me for a GD I was so difficult. I disagreed with everybody from about 13 to 16. I was moody and unhappy and I realise now probably hormonal. I hope you can sort this out, maybe your DD's phone call was the equivalent of an apology, it was certainly an olive branch.
Sometimes you know an argument isn't about what it seems to be about anyway.
As far as your GD bursting into tears, if you can manage it maybe you could just join her and do the same if she ever does it again. That would show them!

That's a good point from aggie, re the GD's parents making her aware of OP's feelings after bereavement.

If our children as parents seek our advice, that is one thing. I still think there is some sort of unspoken grandparenting rule that we don't freely give it.

VERY difficult that SIL was apparently 'rude'. Rolande do you think you would have been more readily able to forgive your DD than your SIL? Was he really rude or understandably defensive about his D? (Not expecting you to answer - just wondering).

I'm not good with conflict and my instinct is always to want to make peace -though not at any cost. With the passing of some time, I hope you feel less raw and more able to be sure of how you want to go forward.

I don't think the OP was rude , the GDwas rude sulking about something that happened at home , I have a GD like this and she knows better than to try it on with me . Poor OP is still raw from her recent bereavement and this should be explained to the GD by the parents

Rholanda Imagine not seeing your D & GD for 5 long years, no phone calls, emails, never hearing how they are, just nothing. I didn't even criticize! So my advise to you is just love them and enjoy them, 'least said, quickest mended' I don't think they have anything to apologize for, your D phoned you and said let's agree to disagree, so do that, or you may find yourself, like me, estranged for the rest of your life! Good advise from the other posters, I haven't read them all, but will do.