Gransnet forums


Moody grand-daughter

(66 Posts)
Rolande Mon 11-Sep-17 13:37:59

I'm feeling so very sad and angry. Daughter, SIL and grand-children came over for dinner yesterday. My 13 year old GD arrived with a long face, silent not even a "hello". Left her to it and later found out the reason why. She didn't get her own way at home for a trivial matter. It annoyed me. She is often moody and it sets the mood for the rest of us. And this behaviour is not because she is a teen, she was like this in her high chair!. She learnt early that it got her what she wanted..After dinner I tried to jolly her up and she burst into tears in her very annoying winning way. I got angry and told her to go away (in the other room). My SIL got angry then and said "That's not the way to deal with this "and daughter said "she's tired". I told them to stop pandering to her, to stop making excuses for her. SIL rudely replied that he didn't need parenting advice! And they left..My daughter phoned this morning to say lets agree to disagree. I'm ok with this but I will keep my distance for a while. My husband died a few months ago and I don't think I can cope with more pain right now. And I would like an apology. That is not too much to ask is it? Families!!

MissAdventure Mon 11-Sep-17 13:42:18

Try not to take it personally. As you say, she has found this behaviour to work to her advantage, and you're probably still very fragile from your loss. It probably is best to ignore your granddaughter, if you can manage it. It would be a shame to end up with a family rift. Maybe her parents will have had a word with her about it?

grannysue05 Mon 11-Sep-17 13:48:20

Rolande I would like to reply to you as I too have experienced the moody teenage grand-daughter thing.
In my case, DGD is twelve but recently started periods, so she is definately going up and down due to that.
In your case it would appear that your grand-daughter has always used moodiness/tantrums to get her own way.
However you feel inside, it never goes down well if you critisise your DD and SILs parenting skills.
If you lost your husband fairly recently you must be feeling very bereaved and lonely, and things can seem out of proportion.
Perhaps keep your thoughts to yourself in the name of family harmony.
I hope you feel more like your old self as time goes by.

Ana Mon 11-Sep-17 13:52:07

I agree with what the other posters have said. And I wooouldn't push the apology isue...

paddyann Mon 11-Sep-17 14:11:08

honestly I've never believed its a Grandparents job to chastise Grandchildren ,the child may have always been that way but things get ramped up when they hit puberty and no matter what YOU think of it you should have said nothing.You had your time of parenting ,now leave them to theirs .

MissAdventure Mon 11-Sep-17 14:26:33

Its very difficult, I think, because, moody or not, I would not have been allowed to behave like that at my Nans home! I wouldn't have dared, and wouldn't have wanted to face my mums wrath. Times have changed so much: its difficult to accept sometimes.

Anniebach Mon 11-Sep-17 14:34:47

Difficult but she is their daughter and they accept her being a Kevinette, let the apology go, your emotions must be so very raw

Imperfect27 Mon 11-Sep-17 15:05:04

Rolande I am sorry to read that you recently lost your DH - a few months is not long ago. I wonder if tiredness / sadness have perhaps made you snap when previously - over a long history it seems - you have kept silent about your DGD's behaviour? It's not that her bad behaviour was ok - it just seems to be a golden rule that as GPs we have to keep silence over some things ...

I am glad your DD phoned and that she is trying to help the situation forward with you and it would be sadder still if this caused you to be distant from family at a time when their closeness and support could be what you most need.

I can remember once when my parents were critical of my son's behaviour, even though they had a point, - how difficult that was for me. Parents can often be anxious about doing a good job and if fault is found by a close family member it can feel very painful.

As your DD has offered the olive branch, I hope you can accept it over time and put this behind you.

BlueBelle Mon 11-Sep-17 16:17:09

First I m really sorry to hear about your husband and think that may have had a lot of bearing on this situation

Kids go through horrible moody times in their young lives, far more than we did, there is such a lot of pressure on them I have often had spoilt trips with mood or tired kids being where they don't really want to be Going through it at the moment with a 14 year old grandaughter Granson was dreadful, a real 'Kevin' but now at 16 seems to be coming out of it wonderfully and seems human again
I remember my manager at my last job saying her 13 year old went up to bed an angel one night, and came down the devil incarnate the next day and the angel disappeared for at least two years

Best left alone if she was in tears which you see as a tactic she may have been unhappy with herself and banning her to another room must have been red rag to a bull and seriously your son in law was right to feel you handled it wrongly I think your daughter is very calm to agree to differ and move on and I also think that's good advice
Don't wait for an apology forget it and move on and if it happens again keep your views to yourself and ignore her moodiness

Eglantine19 Mon 11-Sep-17 17:03:52

I'm not quite sure who you want to make the apology. Your GD for being moody, your SIL for getting angry and protesting against you or your daughter for not siding with you?

RedheadedMommy Mon 11-Sep-17 17:16:13

An apology for what? You was rude first!

If she was acting like an hormonal teenager you should of left her alone, you tried to 'cheer her up' and it backfired spectacularly.
You was then was rude to her and made her cry and her dad stood up for her.

If anyone should be apologising its you.

harrigran Mon 11-Sep-17 18:16:00

You was rude, really ? if you are going to tell someone off at least make it grammatically correct.

Rolande Mon 11-Sep-17 19:32:48

You made my day "harrigran"! I actually laughed. The conversation we were having just before the upset was about grammar. GD was saying that everyone spoke differently and we all agreed that accents were fine as long as the grammar was correct. And she got all moody again! I don't expect an apology from little madam but SIL. She probably will apologise but it won't be genuine. SIL knows better and both he and daughter have often asked my advice in all sorts of things including the children' s behaviour. IMO, if more grand parents would chastised the GC for bad manners, we would have a more polite society. Anyway, thanks for all the replies.

Luckygirl Mon 11-Sep-17 20:39:00

" I told them to stop pandering to her, to stop making excuses for her." Gosh - I think it is you who should be apologising.

It is not your place to tell them how to parent their own child; it is entirely their choice.

RedheadedMommy Mon 11-Sep-17 20:50:51

Im actually dyslexic sad

Maybe your grand daughter is struggling or knows someone whos struggling with their grammer. Maybe she knows how hard and difficult it is and your comment about it made her upset.

I would definitely distance yourself.

FarNorth Mon 11-Sep-17 21:11:57

If DD and SiL have been "pandering to her" all her life, there's no point you trying to say anything against it now.

On various threads, on GN, people have said that something generally considered ungrammatical is actually part of normal speech in their area.

Don't allow your DGD's mood to dictate how you feel. It is disconcerting if she behaves illogically but it's best just to let it flow past you.

As others have said, your recent loss may be affecting your own moods and reactions. Please try to keep harmony with your family. flowers

Yogagirl Tue 12-Sep-17 08:24:35

Rholanda Imagine not seeing your D & GD for 5 long years, no phone calls, emails, never hearing how they are, just nothing. I didn't even criticize! So my advise to you is just love them and enjoy them, 'least said, quickest mended' I don't think they have anything to apologize for, your D phoned you and said let's agree to disagree, so do that, or you may find yourself, like me, estranged for the rest of your life! Good advise from the other posters, I haven't read them all, but will do.

aggie Tue 12-Sep-17 08:44:28

I don't think the OP was rude , the GDwas rude sulking about something that happened at home , I have a GD like this and she knows better than to try it on with me . Poor OP is still raw from her recent bereavement and this should be explained to the GD by the parents

Imperfect27 Tue 12-Sep-17 08:50:19

If our children as parents seek our advice, that is one thing. I still think there is some sort of unspoken grandparenting rule that we don't freely give it.

VERY difficult that SIL was apparently 'rude'. Rolande do you think you would have been more readily able to forgive your DD than your SIL? Was he really rude or understandably defensive about his D? (Not expecting you to answer - just wondering).

I'm not good with conflict and my instinct is always to want to make peace -though not at any cost. With the passing of some time, I hope you feel less raw and more able to be sure of how you want to go forward.

FarNorth Tue 12-Sep-17 10:11:38

That's a good point from aggie, re the GD's parents making her aware of OP's feelings after bereavement.

trisher Tue 12-Sep-17 10:38:23

I'm sorry about your bereavement Rolande and think probably your whole family need time to recover from it. That said you wouldn't have wanted me for a GD I was so difficult. I disagreed with everybody from about 13 to 16. I was moody and unhappy and I realise now probably hormonal. I hope you can sort this out, maybe your DD's phone call was the equivalent of an apology, it was certainly an olive branch.
Sometimes you know an argument isn't about what it seems to be about anyway.
As far as your GD bursting into tears, if you can manage it maybe you could just join her and do the same if she ever does it again. That would show them!

IngeJones Tue 12-Sep-17 11:02:51

Your granddaughter is a seperate person from the rest of her family. It may be you're destined not to like her or get on with her and vice versa. I would advise against dealing with it in a way that spoils your relationship with her father and mother and any other siblings. Can you not simply ignore her and chat happily to the other members of the family? Maybe she'd start to get envious of the attention you give them and work out how to make you like her too? Or maybe she won't but at least you won't have fallen out with your daughter over her, to make things worse!

grannytotwins Tue 12-Sep-17 11:14:25

This sounds like my DGD and she has been difficult all her life. Now nearly fourteen with hormones raging, she has a face like thunder most of the time. She is on the autistic spectrum, but that only partly excuses the behaviour. I give her one to one time with me. I sometimes take her on the bus and let her choose birthday and Christmas presents for me to buy later on. We have a hot drink in her favourite coffee place. She is a different person once on her own and it certainly puts our relationship on a firmer footing. She is less likely to play up at my house as she doesn't want to miss out on her special time with me. Have you tried time away from her parents?

Teddy123 Tue 12-Sep-17 11:20:36

I don't think "you was rude". But don't punish yourself by keeping your distance. Your GD is at the age where she should be willing to be at least polite to her Grandma! Shame your SIL had to step in and make it worse. I don't understand why parents make excuses for their children.

radicalnan Tue 12-Sep-17 11:24:31

Your grand daughter seems to have lost her grand father, been in his home and may have felt sadness. Kids that age all all elbows and emotions.

It would cost her so much more to apologise, than it would you, to see her as someone as upset as you are.

You don't know what is behind it but seems like feelings are raw all round.

You can insist on an apology it would just be words, you can offer her some comfort, that would just be love, the choice of course is yours.