Moody grand-daughter

In what way was the OP not shown respect?

She interfered with her family's parenting - that is what I would see as not showing respect to them.

No way. I can't stand the way grandparents are treated by family nowadays. It's about time we were shown some respect and valued more.

My deepest sympathies on the loss of your DH, Rolande. Radicalnan makes a good point, imo, that GD may be feeling the sadness, too, especially when in your home. It may not be time yet to all come together for dinners, etc.

"And this behaviour is not because she is a teen, she was like this in her high chair!. She learnt early that it got her what she wanted...

I told them to stop pandering to her, to stop making excuses for her....

I tried to jolly her up..."

Sorry but where are you doing differently? Trying to "jolly her up" is catering to her, also, imo. If her moodiness seems unreasonable to you, better, I think to just ignore it. Let her sit there with a sour face while you, DD & SIL enjoy your conversation, etc. Maybe she won't sulk so much if she sees it's not getting her any attention.

Distancing yourself is a very good idea right now, imo. You need time to heal and you and DD's family all need some space from each other. Don't hold your breath for an apology though. I don't think one is forthcoming, sorry.

Rolande was right to object to her granddaughter's behaviour: 'not even a hello' is rude and she should have been reprimanded by her parents. It would have been even better if they had reacted positively, explained that Granny was unhappy and why, and that friendly behaviour from her would help to cheer her up.

Give the apology a miss, and don't spend too much time without contact, it is so easy to let it drag on and on.
Speak to the GD if she speaks to you. Don't let her present behaviour sour your relationship with your daughter and her family.
Sorry to hear about your husband. Your's, and has been said elsewhere, those of your family must still be very raw.

Let me say first, how saddened I was to hear of your recent loss.

Sorry also that you had such an unpleasant family visit.

Teenagers can be moody, difficult, disrespectful and almost always impossible to please! Let me just add that in the scheme of things, this was a battle not worth fighting.

Perhaps apologies should have been exchanged all around but at this point better to just let the whole thing go and time will do the rest.

It's so easy to forget that our 'children' are now adult parents themselves. So, as hard as it may be (to do or say nothing), it's the parent's job to discipline their children, not ours!

Apologies- daughter and SIL. The rest stands.

Mother of stroppy pre-teens here. Clearly the OP had good intentions, as does my MIL when she tries to 'jolly' my kids out of whatever sulk/strop/tantrum they're in. But the kid is in the sulk/strop/tantrum precisely because they are not being given what they want, and giving them attention because of their behaviour is playing into their hands.

Next time, please follow the parents' signals. If they're ignoring sulky teen, please follow suit.

An apology from the teen is not out of the question (though I wouldn't hold my breath) but an apology to your son and DIL for riding roughshod over their parenting wishes is also in order.

I agree with Luckygirl - and some people have short memories! Do you REALLY remember what you were like at 13? I'm really sorry for OP in her bereavement, and she may be somewhat fragile emotionally, but she's risking her relationship with the family if she persists in intervening with DGD and also wanting an apology when DD has rung offering to agree to disagree.

It would seem to me from what you have said that you will not get an apology....so do your best to avoid a family rift. Ignore it, but remind your SiL that you have just lost your husband and you cannot deal with any further upset at the moment. I'm sure he will see the error of his ways.

And actually if it's not tolerated , you come out of that mood quicker than if you are pandered to!

BLuebell I meant the getting away with it was relatively new, I'm sure a lot of us were a bit like it, but we weren't allowed to behave badly or rudely to others , just because we were in a huff about something . We had to be mannerly no matter what.

This girl was not stroppy to her gran - she was sullen and moody. Gran tried to get her to come out of that and this is what caused the blow-up. As others have said - better to have ignored it and the situation would have blown over.

SIL was entirely reasonable to be angry and being told how to parent his own child. He knew that a sulker is best ignored.

What happened to having to behave in other people's homes. My dad would of wiped the floor with me if I was stroppy to my gran, teen or not. Many of you think it's ok to bringing snowflake kids up these days. Nana house, nans rules

She's nothing to apologise for since when do you need to apologise for being guiet, moody or have a long face. no where in the original post did Rolando say she was noisy, rude , answered back, swore, stamped her foot had a tantrum etc etc it's not a sin to look moody or quiet
She was miserable because of something that had happened before she came out, so nothing at all to do with granny and not at all right for her to banish her to another room and make her cry
norose if you think this is a relatively new behaviour pattern you must have been on another planet, teens have always been moody, I remember being told I was moody when I was 13 and if you watch Kevin the teenager that was made many years ago and is very relevant to this type of angst it's certainly not a new phenonemum

I dont know where that 'grab' came from!

Really, which ever side of the fence you fall on, a big fuss and bad feeling wont help.
If she grab troubled, hormonal teen it will make her feel worse. If she is an attention seeking sulker, then a fuss will suit her just fine. Best to ignore - No audience, no show.

I do not agree with this assessment at all. I am filled with admiration at how my DDs and all their friends are rising to the challenge of parenthood. They sometimes do it different from how I did; and I do not always agree with their decisions - but I do respect them. How can we expect them to respect us if we do not respect them and give them credit for knowing their own children better than we do?

I agree blue60, they will never learn to cope with problems in life , if they can't have the manners to apologise & to accept an apology back from their nearest & dearest. Surely it is a good lesson in how to navigate grown up life. We have to ask ourselves why is this a relatively new pattern of behaviour in some of our youngsters, me thinks a lot are pandered to, sometimes to make up for a lack of time spent with their adults.

This is a young teenager who knows perfectly well that her behaviour is unacceptable; not an adult deliberately flouting the conventions. She does not need to be told off - least of all by someone who is not her parent! She needs to be ignored until she comes round.

Your brother and sis-IL did not speak to you for a year - the OP needs this scenario with her family like a hole in the head at the moment!

Well, if this had happened to me in MY house I would have reacted the same. I have no time for tantrums, never have.

I told my niece off (she's in her twenties!!) about the way she behaved towards me and she went crying to my brother and SIL who decided not to speak to me for a year.

I am now spoken to by all three, and at least she has some respect as she knows I will not tolerate bad behavior whatever the age. I didn't get an apology, it seems this is something that people just know how to do these days so I never push that one and just accept it is what it is.

If nothing is said then how can people understand their behaviour is upsetting? That's me anyway

every time not every mile (sigh) I am sure it didn't look like that in the edit bit!

My grandson is very moody but improving as he gets further into his teens (he is 14), but now my almost 11 year granddaughter has started as well! All I can say it that it does pass - there is a lot of pressure on children today, they are teased and tormented at school and in peer groups if they don't fit in and/or have the latest 'must have' item, they have to master using computers for school and homework too and I think expectations are generally greater for their future, which only adds to the pressure. Add to that the fact that she may not only be missing her grandfather but also upset that you are hurting from his loss and I think you can see that, perhaps, acting out in this way is her way of dealing with things. My advice would be to not take it to heart (I'd be living in the Artic if I had walked a mile for every mile my grandson has told me to go away when he's having a hissy fit ), keep a sense of humour about it if you can, it will pass and she may well turn out to be a loving and caring granddaughter again at the end of it. No parent likes being told that their child is misbehaving, you had your say and I think your DD is right that you should now let it go now. Your own feelings are going to be more sensitive because of the short time since the loss of your DH

She's definitely and she and not a he!

I think the chances of a teenage GD being persuaded to apologise for being moody is a bit of a lost cause! And it would simply resurrect something that would have best been ignored in the first place! - and accord it an importance that it does not deserve. Asking a teenager to apologise for being moody is a bit like asking an 80 year old to apologise for having grey hair!

It is water under the bridge; and the OP simply needs to make her peace with the adults whom she has upset by interfering with how they deal with their own child.

I know that my DGD of a similar age is struggling with her periods - they have been a bit troublesome and she is feeling down at the prospect of having to deal with this every month - I have a certain sympathy with that! he will be touchy and moody, and that is simply how it is. If we were to create a family row every time she was moody, we would do very little else. I take my lead from her parents as to how this is dealt with; as with every other issue with their children.