Gransnet forums


New grandchild due

(15 Posts)
Newatthis Wed 13-Sep-17 19:43:30

Our 1st grandchild is due in November and we are so excited to become grandparents. However, I am feeling rather scared at the thought. I have read many 'dont's' on this site, such as - don't pick up the baby without asking, don't kiss the baby, don't ask if the baby needs feeding/changing, don't say what you use to do etc etc. I'm almost afraid to say and do anything and this is before the baby has arrived. I understand that my daughter will want to do things her way - it is her baby - and she will need lots of encouragement -
she too is scared -but there is a fine line between wanting to be there for her to help and support her and overstepping the 'interference' line and at this stage, I don't know where that is - HELP!!

Ilovecheese Wed 13-Sep-17 19:46:31

I think it's when she asks you for advice or help, that's when you give it.

Ilovecheese Wed 13-Sep-17 19:47:00

Forgot to say congrats!

MissAdventure Wed 13-Sep-17 20:05:49

I think there are lots of different opinions here about how far a granny can go before she is interfering, or overstepping the mark. None is right or wrong really. Err on the side of caution, I would say. You could always discuss this with your daughter now, and explain that you're worried you might upset her, and you're anxious not to?

Nanabilly Wed 13-Sep-17 20:31:53

If you have a goodrelationship with your daughter ,yes I agree it would be beneficial to both sides to have that discussion now. You never know your daughter could be having similar concerns and it could put her at ease. If you have a delicate relationship with her I would tread very carefully and take one day at a time and see how it goes .
When my first gs was born 5 yrs ago I remember feeling very confused about visits etc and I wish I had thought about having that chat before baby arrived it would have stopped so much confusion and stressing on my part.
I am one of the lucky ones as son and dil are so chilled out and relaxed about things that I can't seem to put a foot wrong and I'm always the first port of call if they don't know what to do or how to deal with something. They were very nervous/ naive first time parents, like most of us and knew virtually nothing about bringing up baby and I was called , text or visited thousands of time for help and advice at first and always asked to try him with new things first as they were scared to do it ...e.g. trying solids,introducing new and different foods,medicines, oh All sorts of things I could write a book . Made my day though.

Luckygirl Wed 13-Sep-17 21:54:56

I think it would be fine to say to your DD that you are very excited and want to do everything right and will need to be guided by her and that would like her to let you know what she wants and doesn't want. I am sure she would appreciate knowing that and it would get you both off on the right footing.

Exciting times!

Deedaa Wed 13-Sep-17 22:16:47

You will probably find that things have changed a lot since you were a new mother. Be prepared to follow her lead and don't express astonishment at any of the ideas you find odd (and you will find some of them odd!) Certainly ask before picking the baby up - she might only just have got it settled. And if you want to buy things for the baby do ask what she would find useful. Again ideas have changed so it's safer to check first.

Morgana Wed 13-Sep-17 22:32:16

Just be there for them.
Accept that even though we have raised our own kids, we don't know everything! Be reassuring and complimentary. Most of all - enjoy your new role. It is the most emotional, demanding and fulfilling job.

LadyGracie Wed 13-Sep-17 23:05:57

We became first time grandparents in January, it's wonderful, our DGD is such a joy. We took a step back and let our DD and SIL come to us after telling them that we were not going to interfere and we'd be there when and if they needed us. We go to their home when asked, it's only 5 minutes walk away. We now have DGD a few hours a week while DD does her housework or goes shopping or just for a couple of hours to themselves. We love it, DGD has just started crawling, now the real fun starts!! Enjoy it.

Imperfect27 Wed 13-Sep-17 23:08:46

How lovely Newatthis - so much joy to come.

As others have said, just be there for her, quietly reassuring and telling her what a great job she is doing - now and when little one arrives.#

Do keep 'boundaries in mind - they may not be an issue depending on your relationship - simply checking, rather than assuming over visits and what your DD would like in terms of support seems to be a good way forward.

Enjoy this part of the journey, but don't be surprised if you feel a bit taken through the mill with nervous anticipation around the time of the birth.

There is such a wealth of support here all along the way so keep posting and we will share your joy!

cornergran Wed 13-Sep-17 23:27:26

Congratulations newathis. You will be just fine. How do I know? Because you care enough to think about it and to be concerned that your impulse to help might be misinterpreted. I agree, chat with your daughter now, you can share worries and then be amazed together when those worries don't turn into reality. Once the baby arrives everything will be different, you will find that things you expected to be hard may not be and vice versa. enjoy the little one when he or she arrives, it's a very special time.

Starlady Thu 14-Sep-17 02:09:09

Congratulations Newatthis! Such a joyous time of life!

Imo, it's good that you're a little scared - shows that you know there may be boundaries you shouldn't cross. As such, you're wisely seeking advice.

And mine is - Just approach DD as if she is a competent adult mother (which I'm sure she will be) and respect her wishes where her child is concerned. Would you pick up a neighbor's baby without asking? Probably not. Please treat DD with the same respect.

Also, please remember that there is a lot of new information out there - newborns now must sleep on their backs, no heavy blankets till they're about a year old, etc. Trust DD's knowledge and follow her lead, as others have said. Not just out of respect for her but because she, most likely, really does know some things about babycare that you don't know. As pps have said, offer advice only if she asks. Also, please accept it if she declines to follow that advice.

Be easy, let her know you're there for her without trying to take over, and I'm sure you'll be fine and enjoy that baby!

Newatthis Thu 14-Sep-17 16:47:11

Thank you so much for this advice. I'll make sure I follow it.

Flaxseed Thu 14-Sep-17 20:16:09


I'm a new Nanny (two weeks) and find that myself and DD are learning from each other.
So many things have changed!
I'll give my opinion if asked but totally respect her views and decisions.

I have had to step in a few times, but only when I felt DD was being given the wrong advice (I'm a healthcare professional) so have guided her in the right direction regarding her own health.

It's totally amazing watching your own children become a parent and the love you feel for their child is just indescribable!

Nanabilly Thu 14-Sep-17 20:32:09

Just another thought. If you feel a bit like a spare whatsit at a wedding during those first weeks and months while the new little family are settling in ( that's how I felt at times anyway) would it be a good idea to make them a meal and take it round ,, any excuse for a quick cuddle . Planning it with daughter first may be a good idea but I know our son and daughter in law were always either too busy , too tired or just plain old enjoying their new addition to even think about cooking dinner most evenings.