Mil no longer allowed to see son

Apologies you said you had a good relationship with her. So I think she must be ill to say what she said? Maybe you could visit on your own and ask her why she said it? See what her reaction is?

You might have wanted to avoid mumsnet but this thread has been picked up on there.

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions & support.
Bluegal my mil has always been oppiniated, and she & my husband used to bicker, but it was usually lighthearted. She & i have always got along really well, and in her own way she has been quite supportive since ds was born (weird behaviour aside). Throughout my pregnancy she was always saying she was going to be “a nightmare nanny”, I assumed this was a joke. But I’m honestly not sure if she thinks the way she behaved is normal.

Vanilla, I used to be in the same situation as you. My MIL and DH used to fall out and I was left feeling upset. Just like you it was my MIL who was unreasonable and my DH was just protecting his family. It took me 40 years to realise that this was not my problem and I managed to relax a little about the situation. I was always pleasant to my MIL as she used to come and stay with us for 3 weeks at a time as we lived abroad and always spoke well of her to our children but I stopped feeling responsible for her happiness. She was never happy and made it clear that the only person she had time for was her first grandchild, my nephew. She lived to be 103 even though she was unhappy for most of her life. Concentrate on your little family and she will soon see that if she doesn't tow the line she will not get to see you. By the way you sound like the perfect DIL.

Maybe give her some time to reflect on her behaviour and then make visits to her rather than her coming to you. That way you can leave when she becomes overwhelming. I think it is quite normal for parents to say, "Oh we did it this way," without intending criticism in the same way as you might reflect on the way maths was taught in our day compared to modern methods. I think the fact hormones are raging round a new Mum's body puts a completely different connotation on it.
However, talk is one thing, bad behaviour is another. No matter what I said to my DM about undermining me, disappearing with the kids until late into the night without so much of a by your leave, she continued to act as she wanted to because she couldn't or wouldn't see how destructive her behaviour was. We made a decision that our younger 2 would never be left with her on their own and she mainly comes round to ours to see them. It was a hard decision to make because she had been quite helpful in other ways when the oldest was young but the emotional damage she did to my DD was a hard lesson learned.

Vanilla - it's no way "normal" and it doesn't matter if she thinks it is - the most important thing is how you feel.

It almost sounds like she's trying to put her own relationship with your new baby ahead of your own relationship with him. I would ask her why she said what she said and let her know in no uncertain terms that if she has any concerns, she should voice them to you or your DH, not to the baby.

When I had my older son my mother tried to take over on th grounds that after having had 3 babies she knew more than me, I didn't know what I was doing and I was putting my son's health at risk. My son cried a lot because he got evening colic but she had never heard of that so refused to believe it exists. She told me it was my fault because I was breast-feeding and not producing enough milk.

This is more than excitement about becoming a GN - this is an attempt to take over from you as the baby's most important relation. This is all wrong.

Sorry to hear this, but quite frankly your mil sounds seriously disturbed. I'm not surprised that your husband has banned her from having contact with your child. Your child's ongoing safety is paramount, and if that means keeping him away from your mil then so be it. Sounds like your mil needs professional psychiatric help, but how you would go about encouraging that is a tough one. Good luck...

I actually said something like that to my 9 month grandson in front of his mum and hopefully she knew I was joking. The baby was making too much fuss and noisy crying for me to see if my DD smiled I must admit. I hope I didn't make her feel bad! I wouldn't say something like that once he is old enough to understand I only thought it was funny cos he had no idea what I was saying anyway - it was meant for her entertainment.

Vanilla' I just tried to imagine myself saying, doing, what your MIL did, to my DIL and I can't begin to. Saying things like that to the baby is so far from normal and taking the baby out of the house without express permission is horrendous, sick baby or well baby, no difference.
How lucky you are that your DH leaps to your defence. So many sons are ambivalent when it comes to their mothers and scared to cause a rift.
Take as long as you like to get over this and the whole new mum process. Don't feel bad about keeping MIL away. She needs to give you a big fat apology before you see her again.

Actually I think this type of talk is more common than you'd think - normally meant as a sort of joke. But I think if it was in a place where she didn't think any of the parents could hear then it's a bit more creepy

I had similar problems with my MIL. She accused me of leaving nappy pins sticking in my baby, of being cruel because I hadn’t put a hat on her (it was a boiling hot summer’s day) and so much more. The rows were horrible. It turned out that she was on a downward path into severe dementia. Yours sounds so illogical that I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t the case here. When I had my own grandchildren I was careful to let their parents take the lead in all decisions, even when one of my daughters had a baby in her teens. The result being that I was trusted and was able to be really hands on with all of them. The sad thing is, that unless she builds your trust, she will never get the time with your DS that she would love.

This behaviour from your MiL needs nipping in the bud as soon as possible. She sounds quite disrespectful and thinks she knows best. I think you have got a hard task in front of you dealing with this but it must be done, otherwise she will continue in this way. Thankfully your DH is not afraid to speak up but when he is at work this won't always be possible. You will have to be more assertive yourself in dealing with her. This is your baby not hers and she must understand that. I would not give her this "alone time" in your house with the baby until she respects you and behaves herself. She will take over if given half a chance. Your hormones and emotions are all over the place naturally and you could do without all of this. Perhaps you could confide in your own mother or a close friend to come up with a few ideas or tactics to thwart the MiLs in her selfish behaviour.

I agree with all those who counselled never to leave baby/child alone with a MIL who has problems with recognising boundaries. Don't worry yourself about her feelings or about future relationships. Your baby's welfare and security is rightly your priority at all times. Given your dh's approach it looks like she may have long-term serious problems.

I agree with most that has been said already. However I would emphasize that what she is saying to your ds is not appropriate and I would never leave her alone with him even to have a shower. You need to protect him from such strange behaviour which verges on a world of unreality. She sounds like she has mental health issues that need sorting

This is a terrible story! As the mother of three daughters I have not been a MiL to a woman but I was that DiL to my own MiL and it wasn't an easy relationship. She lived with us for 16 years and never once took any of them out in a pram. Only once did she have the oldest for one day when childcare arrangements broke down and we never heard the last of it because she broke a tooth on some chewing gum she was using to try not to smoke around our daughter! But I digress. This woman is NOT behaving normally and it sounds to me as if she is jealous of your relationship with your very new baby. I am a Nonna myself (hence why I am on here) to four lovely children and I assure you that, although it is possible to love and be loved by them, no way is a grandmother as important a child's life as its mother. I hope it all settles down for you soon. You don't need this extra worry.

You sound so balanced VanillaSoyLatte. As much as I agree with everyone that this is really really odd behaviour from your MIL. I cant help but wonder if she has any mental health issues. I couldn't excuse her words and attitude about your baby but like many of us maybe she is just very scared that the maternal mum will inevitably take first place as a grand parent in her GSs life. She will no doubt be absolutely mortified to lose contact with her grandson and her son. I feel sure that you have the skills to sit down and have a face to face with her gently about all the things that have happened. I talk often about intent of what is said ( good from the giver ) verses impact ie actual feelings (of the receiver) . I dont for one minute condone what she has verbally said but something feels wrong here? Does she have a spouse? Try not to cut her off from her GS completely , I feel for sure that you wouldn't do that but rebuild on your terms in your way. She is so lucky that she lives near to you and can have the contact that many of us would give anything for. Please dont join in the anti MIL brigade there are many of us who do our best but still to no avail! Best Wishes and love

Hi, if my MIL had done the things yours has she would never have been allowed back in my house!
What she has done is beyond belief. All I can think of to try and start to mend things is , in time or maybe Christmas, persuade your OH to go as a family to your MIL's house. Just as short visit for a coffee and maybe that could be the start of building bridges. Never leave her alone with your baby . As a MIL I have always tried not to interfere , it can be hard at times , only giving advice when asked for, but unless harm could come to the baby, MIL's should keep quiet!
Rifts in families are horrible and I hope you can come to an agreement with your OH, he is the last person you want to fall out with and if he still insists on banning his mother you will need to bide by his decision. Good luck try not to let this woman spoil your precious time with your baby.

Cannot believe this is for real!!! First of all your reaction to the dreadful things mil supposedly said. What right minded person let alone a gm would say such things to a child and secondly you saying you don't think it's worth a family rift??? Perhaps I am just a very unforgiving person but like I say, if this is for real, then I should never let that woman near my child unsupervised again. Husband must be a saint, very few of them would not try to make excuses for such abominable behaviour.

I know my mil used to think she was being funny when she'd say to baby "what's mummy done to ya "as he cried but that was in front of me. It used to get on my nerves at times if having bad day but never ever have I heard of a mil alone with baby saying things. It's very creepy and disturbing to me that . A bit like "The hand that rocks the cradle ",you are both doing the right thing . Be happy in your new little family and let those in who respect you as parents .

I feel for you. I cannot for one minute understand your mil's behaviour unless she has a screw loose. However I think under the same circumstances I would call a family conference, your lovely husband, you and mil and tell it to her straight - she behaves, or her visits are majorly restricted and from now on anyway, I would NOT let her be on her own with him. I doubt she would harm him but if his health is fragile I believe you should be present at all times. I do worry she might make off with your son for a longer period of time if she got the opportunity and has convinced herself you are a bad mother and she can do better. I seriously do question her sanity. Take care of your little boy.

Let your husband deal with his mother.

I agree with Dragonfly46 you sound like the perfect daughter-in-law and your husband sounds wonderful too.

I am the mother of two sons and MIL to two DILs and was a MIL to an ex DIL. I have had five grandchildren since 1988 and on each occasion I have been fully aware of the role of a MIL, which is to take a back seat to the DIL’s mother and not to interfere - only giving advice and support when asked but at the same time making it clear that my time is available whenever it is needed. It is very exciting having your first grandchild but I can say without reservation that your MIL is out of order and thank goodness your husband is supporting you. It is just sad that you are beating yourself up over your husband’s stance, you are clearly a very kind hearted and compassionate young woman.

What sort of relationship does your husband have with his father? If it is a good one perhaps he could have a talk to him and explain what is going on and ask him to talk to his wife explaining that she is putting herself in the position of losing her son and her grandson if she doesn’t moderate her behaviour.

Your MIL sounds as if she has been pandered to far too much so if a talk with his father isn’t an option does he have other family members he could call on to mediate eg siblings or grandparents?

If these suggestions aren’t viable perhaps you and your husband should sit down and draw up a list of ground rules and make it clear to your MIL that if she doesn’t observe them you will have no alternative but to limit her access to her grandson. This should be done carefully explaining that this is not what you want but she MUST respect your rules and parentage.

I am so sorry that this is spoiling your time with your first-born child which is irreplaceable. It is bad enough that you have his health problem to contend with.

I hope there is a satisfactory solution because you deserve it.

Ps. When I say take care of him, I mean of course, watch out when she is about in case she decides to go on another unscheduled walk - not that you don't take care of him!

well the story tells of a fairy tale nightmare of a MIL. Is this real? (I would like to see some anti DIL threads ha ha but it seems we don't go for that here.)
But I have a fairy tale monster DIL. I have never been allowed to be with either of my (only) grandchildren alone. (6 and 3) She instructs me even what books to buy - I send clothes and the children are never seen in them.
I have tried every which way to gain some kind of confidence and the last thing on earth I woulddo is criticise her - even though she too is bonkers - I once under her instructions had to put scissors in boiling water to cut a sachet of baby drink - later she sadly used a cup of boiling water to keep the teaspoon in which her toddler knocked over her 3 month old which necessitated her in skin grafts etc from burns - I said nothing other than offer massive sympathy - poor baby. So aint it weird.
After 5 years I have given up trying to communicate with her and just message my son, he sends me videos every week. I only hope she will mature and soften with age and stop being so controlling and possessive and weird.
And I guess you must do the same. Though I also think that people will get away with what they can get away with so the jury is still out...

Yes, it was wrong to say those things about Mummy but the more I thought about it the more I realised she was probably saying them in baby talk and didn't for one minute mean them. It was a silly thing to do but backfired badly.