Mil no longer allowed to see son

Oh dear - you sound like a very balanced woman and it's natural for you and DH to be concerned about the care of your firstborn. Please don't think I am defending your MIL but in a way I am. Many woman (I am a GM) change once the GC come along - this happened to me many years ago and MIL was very pushy (but nothing like yours) it's difficult to explain but somehow the birth of the first baby brings it all back to when we were new mothers and I think we get the hormone changes as well - it certainly took me by surprise when my first GC came along. Youare one of the very few young mothers who understand the need for GMs to look after the baby alone. My dils have been brilliant and were very generous with letting us have time alone, but NOT at 8 weeks. I think your MIL justgot carried away with the stupid things she said to the baby which would be awful if she said them when he's older.

I see myself as a very level headed person and I'd never do what your MIL has done, but I was holding my third GC and she was about 8 weeks - I was upstairs with her winding her and heard myself say "I wish you were mine"- I shocked myself to be honest and then panicked because the baby alarm was on and I thought they might have heard me downstairs but thankfully they didn't.

There is a book called "Birth of a Mother" and I think there should be one "Birth of a grandmother" - I could write it! I hope you can find some middle ground with MIL as children have the right to have a relationship with their extended family. You sound so nice - could you not talk to her acknowledging she is excited etc and she did bring up your wonderful DH. I think you'll find things will settle when baby is a bit older or No 2 comes along!

Just wondered what the relationship between your DH and his mother was like before the baby came along. I think you need some time to "like your wounds" and then give her the chance to talk with you about what has happened and how upsetting it has been for you.

It’s lovely to hear how supportive your husband is, so many bury there head in the sand when MIL’s overstep the mark. This is def not “normal” behaviour, and MIL must be very thick skinned to ignore what her son said the 1st time. If you both ever decide to allow her back into your lives once the heat dies down, I would advise not to let her have the baby/child on her own. Is she lonely ? What would make her behave like this ??

@VanillaSoyLatte - you've got a lot to deal with. I agree with the general concensus on here that your MIL's actions are extreme and personally, I'd never do that to my own DD/DIL You should definitely not let her back into your lives for a while.

I don't think a leopard ever changes its spots, so not much chance the MIL will change either! Your DH sounds fab and has obviously experienced this dominant side of his mother in the past.

I hope your DS gets stronger and you get plenty of rest. Perhaps you could facetime with MIL so she can see the baby and how he's doing? But don't try and "fix" the situation by letting her back in until you and your DH are ready.

Oh and don't feel guilty - that's a waste of time and emotion. When you're stronger and less tired, maybe you can meet up for a coffee, outside your home, perhaps do a bit of shopping together and you can let her push the pram for a bit... but only if and when you want to. You're Mummy and you know best how you want to parent!

I'm so sorry you've had such a negative experience and wish you all the best for the future.

Radicalnan I think the poster said she was coming to gn because of the more vitriolic response she was expecting on mn. I took a look at mn once and was shocked at some of the posts i read. Havnt done it since!

I understand why your dh is angry. I would be - first and foremost he is your son. Having a lovely bond with granny is all well and good, but clearly she is over stepping the mark. Perhaps some time out will help her see she just can't behave this way.
Your dh needs time to calm down also, I think when things are sorted leave it to your dh to make firm boundaries with her - I found her comments to your dh quite disturbing and it's not something you want to continue when he is older.
I know you feel stuck. But in this instance your dh is right

All of this does rather put me in mind of Thistel Rose, some young women try really hard to be perfect and still have struggles. I wonder why they come to GN nstead of MN, and I am some times surprised, that they have the time to post and read through long threads, sure I never did when I had small kids.

Has anyone hard whether TR has had her baby yet she was expecting soon ish ad a C section I think she said.

She was fortunate that her annoying gran moved away so at least she will not have that worry around her.

@ Bluegal. ..it is very strange how some of these MILs suddenly become possessive (it's almost like it's their child and they just used your body as a host). It's very REAL!

Do you think this post is real? Sounds more like the plot of a book!

Your MiL sounds rather loopy and is not suitable to be left unattended with your child. I can see her behaviour getting worse as the child grows up, with her constantly going against your wishes. What does your husband say about his mother's behaviour when he was a child? Let him sort her out as he seems sensible and just be very cautious of her in future.

I think you have an issue to deal with; it is just deciding what it is and how. Certainly, your MIL taking your baby out without making sure you knew what she was doing was inappropriate. I can understand her telling the baby he is very, very special but it is also inappropriate to criticise you.

The question is why. I am not sure it is easy to handle until you know that but I would agree that you will not be able to leave her alone with him which is a pain but the safest thing to do at this point. So perhaps invites to visit when you can both be there so she is not left alone until you work out what the issue is. That may cut down on the times she can come but baby (and you) must be put first.

Just one thing to say about you husband's method of dealing with this. He isn't 'right' but he isn't 'wrong' either. He is, like many men, trying to find a fix and this sounds to me as if that was fine at the time but he will have to work out why his mum behaved like this and he will need your help to do that.

Most important - many, many congratulation on the new little person who has entered your life

You are so lucky to have such a good husband. My MiL tried dominate me and take control of MY children and I had to put down very strict boundaries with little support from DH. As a Mil three times over, I am very careful never to overstep the mark to the point that it sometimes seems I don't care enough. Put your boundaries down now and stick to them because from my experience give the MiL an inch and she'll take a mile.

Your DH is doing his best to protect you and your DS. Your MiL sounds awful as was clearly trying to poison your DS against you. I have a close relationship with my daughter and when my DGS was tiny she as a new Mum needed encouraging not undermining so even when she did things differently to how I did things with my babies, such as baby led weening, I bit my tongue and reminded myself he is her baby I am only the Nanny. I only give advice when asked and because of this I have a good relationship with DD, SIL and DGS. Leave your Mil to stew for a while and reflect on how she could lose out on contact with her DGS unless she stops this poisonous behaviour. Please remember it is hard for new nanny's not to bring lots of gifts for new gc. My DD and Sil started off quite strict on this but have relaxed the rules now especially on clothing, shoes and equipment.

Exactly what lucky girl said. I would like to add though, don’t you be the one to make first contact have a few months space from her and just be with your new family. I would NOT allow her alone time with him at all as she does not respect your wishes. Don’t be weak about her stand your ground and support your husband.

Vanilla- if your MIL she doesn't mend her ways warn her that she will loose contact with her GS. You and your OH have been very patient and you don't have to put up with her strange behaviour. I am speaking as a GM and a GGM.

And to add, you can be inviting and kind against what u feel deep inside out of respect for her being your son's grandmother but a person like that won't ever change or see anything wrong with their behaviour. I feel so terrible for what you're going through because it's very heartbreaking and leaves you feel hurt and unsupported. Sending love to u.

So many of these posts make me realise how lucky I was with my inlaws. My daughter is lucky to have a good relationship with her MIL

Boot her out of your home. She's not supportive and this is what some MILs do. Making up for lost time with their own. She's a terrible mum for even saying that to a child. You should show her the door now rather than later... these kind of people do more damage than anything else. I know. This is what I've faced too....... I promise you right now, this person is no good for anyone in your family. Believe me when I say this.

Your husband is supporting you in a sensible way and I think you should be supportive of his being supporting. He knows his mother much better than you do and it sounds as if he has always been watchful of how she would be.
Let him take control and just enjoy being with your baby, your husband and the family you can trust for the time being.
She is being, as others have said, strange and you cannot leave the baby alone with her and I really think you should let your husband take the lead on this one (something I rarely say about husband/wife relationships).

It does not take much to upset a new mother. Even with a healthy child we will feel really exhausted and worried about a baby who is not well.

Any even slightly"critical" remark can make you feel down in those circumstances.
Your MIL sounds quite dreadful though. I hope things improve.

You sound a wonderful loving and understanding dil. Yes what your mil did wasnt right but you say she is a good woman and you have a good relationship. Try to sort this out with her, all this talk about not letting her near your baby again seems very hard. There appears to be a lot of 'cutting out' grandparents these days which as an o nlooker i find hard to comprehend. It needs to be dealt with firmly she needs to understand she did wrong. I have no doubt she is very upset and regretful and am sure things will work out given time. Congratulations and welcome to motherhood.

Beyond the very strange behaviour of the mother in law, and the battle for dominance between the grandmas, what struck me about this post was the use of the word allow:

I convinced my husband to allow me...
we are allowing'time alone in our house'
she is no longer allowed around ds...

Obviously I don't know half the facts, and this is only an initial impression, but my instinctive reaction is that everyone, and I include the husband in this, is telling this young mother what to do.
Sorry, but this post makes me very uneasy.

Yes, it was wrong to say those things about Mummy but the more I thought about it the more I realised she was probably saying them in baby talk and didn't for one minute mean them. It was a silly thing to do but backfired badly.

well the story tells of a fairy tale nightmare of a MIL. Is this real? (I would like to see some anti DIL threads ha ha but it seems we don't go for that here.)
But I have a fairy tale monster DIL. I have never been allowed to be with either of my (only) grandchildren alone. (6 and 3) She instructs me even what books to buy - I send clothes and the children are never seen in them.
I have tried every which way to gain some kind of confidence and the last thing on earth I woulddo is criticise her - even though she too is bonkers - I once under her instructions had to put scissors in boiling water to cut a sachet of baby drink - later she sadly used a cup of boiling water to keep the teaspoon in which her toddler knocked over her 3 month old which necessitated her in skin grafts etc from burns - I said nothing other than offer massive sympathy - poor baby. So aint it weird.
After 5 years I have given up trying to communicate with her and just message my son, he sends me videos every week. I only hope she will mature and soften with age and stop being so controlling and possessive and weird.
And I guess you must do the same. Though I also think that people will get away with what they can get away with so the jury is still out...

Ps. When I say take care of him, I mean of course, watch out when she is about in case she decides to go on another unscheduled walk - not that you don't take care of him!

I agree with Dragonfly46 you sound like the perfect daughter-in-law and your husband sounds wonderful too.

I am the mother of two sons and MIL to two DILs and was a MIL to an ex DIL. I have had five grandchildren since 1988 and on each occasion I have been fully aware of the role of a MIL, which is to take a back seat to the DIL’s mother and not to interfere - only giving advice and support when asked but at the same time making it clear that my time is available whenever it is needed. It is very exciting having your first grandchild but I can say without reservation that your MIL is out of order and thank goodness your husband is supporting you. It is just sad that you are beating yourself up over your husband’s stance, you are clearly a very kind hearted and compassionate young woman.

What sort of relationship does your husband have with his father? If it is a good one perhaps he could have a talk to him and explain what is going on and ask him to talk to his wife explaining that she is putting herself in the position of losing her son and her grandson if she doesn’t moderate her behaviour.

Your MIL sounds as if she has been pandered to far too much so if a talk with his father isn’t an option does he have other family members he could call on to mediate eg siblings or grandparents?

If these suggestions aren’t viable perhaps you and your husband should sit down and draw up a list of ground rules and make it clear to your MIL that if she doesn’t observe them you will have no alternative but to limit her access to her grandson. This should be done carefully explaining that this is not what you want but she MUST respect your rules and parentage.

I am so sorry that this is spoiling your time with your first-born child which is irreplaceable. It is bad enough that you have his health problem to contend with.

I hope there is a satisfactory solution because you deserve it.