Fraught with angst

Great advise on here all I can suggest is, as you say this has been going on since her teens and she also twists everything you say,so what about writing it in a letter explaining what you want to happen. But you must stick to whatever you say because if you back track she will have little or no respect for your demands, write it then build on it each time you have contact by being firm no need to fall out with her if she storms of leave her to contact you.Also could your husband not take the reins abit more and deal with her.Good luck

Dealing with a daughter who is temperamental and manipulative is hard work but nobody ever said parenting was easy. Sadly, you took the easy way out when she was younger and you are reaping the rewards so you will have to work at regaining lost ground. Does your daughter have a partner? Although I took a firmer approach to my daughter's tantrums when she was a teenager, she started this, "Well you'll never see her again," approach when she first had her daughter. It cut me to the quick and I had many sleepless nights worrying about it; this in turn made me more wary of having a close relationship with my DGD which upset my DD too. Talk about a vicious circle! Eventually I realised that my SIL was more reasonable so I confessed my worries to him and he reassured me that he would not let that happen. The next time my DD threw a wobbly, I remained calm and he just openly continued to bring my DGD to see me. Strangely enough, it worked. Without any way to 'control' things through bad behaviour there was no point. You have to be able to trust the SIL though.

We read so many posts on here about this sort of thing from our adult children and to be honest I just can't understand why it goes on . If a 5 year old started to behave like it then it would be dealt with asap so why put up with it from an adult child. I would never tiptoe around anyone's had behaviour be it son, daughter ,husband ,work colleague or someone I was being served by in a store, bank,office or any other kind of institution or business. I just tackle it head on and immediately and if it continues I disconnect myself from them but mainly it is stopped immediately . A bully hates being confronted so I would tackle it asap and don't accept this rubbish.

You know your daughter's behaviour is 'not fair or helpful to anyone'.

Take a deep breath and say this. Do not listen to the long tirade which will probably follow, it won't help and you may find it very upsetting, so focus on planning a shopping list or something that can hold your attention from relating to her anger.

Just stick to your guns. Say you 'cannot keep listening to this kind of language but will help support her as far as you can'. Expect lots of condemnation, belligerence and repetition of this type of language.

When there is a space just say 'I'm sorry you feel like that'. Don't argue, stick to those three phrases, more words cannot help. If you can do that you will win eventually without using any language which can be held against you later. Also it will make the relationship repairable in due course.

The immediate consequences are then up to your daughter. She will probably get exhausted by the anger and calm down.

Then forget everything which has been said and proceed as if things were entirely normal. I know this is not easy but hang on to the idea that things will quieten down eventually and she will think more of you for not allowing yourself to be ridden over roughshod.

The situation will ease and soon will settle and be normal but your strong, calm stance will be the rock for building the new relationship more acceptable to you and making a far more pleasant atmosphere and useful example for your GC.

I'm with Tessa101's suggestion of writing a letter. Write down your true feelings and the reasons for; then set out 'the new rules' (and keep a copy). Like you, I hate confrontation but this way if she gets your message by post she will have the time to rant get used to the idea before contacting you. May take a while but as others have said you hold the aces (and she'll know that). Good luck and please keep us all posted.

They call this the secret epidemic and it is much more widespread than you think. It is not you or your behaviour causing it and I know many parents who are very bewildered about their sons or daughters behaviour. If people are lucky enough not to have this sort of trouble in the family they will try and judge you and until it happens to them they have not a clue. I wished I had not tiptoed on egg shells for so long and confronted my son and daughter in law. I have not seen them for 13 years. Was I a bad mother ? Mother in law ? I was the best in the world according to number 2 son and daughter in law who I have a brill relationship with. There are lots of books on the web about it all. Please get one before your health really suffers and things get completely out of hand. Take control. Best of luck

As hard as it is Dotty....stand up to your daughter! Sounds like you have never done this before? Nobody has the right to 'blackmail' anyone and this sounds like what you D is doing with regards to GD?

IF she follows through (and I doubt it will be for long) tell you GD, how much you love her and that you will be there for her all her life.

NOBODY and I mean nobody should be treated like this from anybody let alone their children! Shocking...but up to you to change it.

DottyW, I feel your pain. Don’t be afraid of loosing your grandchild. Your dd needs you to mind her child and won’t last long without your, probably, free help. She needs to respect you and you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells. I fear you constantly giving in to her demands is helping create your situation. Next time you hear jump, don’t. I hope things improve for you x

Nannysparkle - oh how I agree with you. Yes, I am part of this 'secret epidemic'. Both my children have cut me off from my grandchildren and have written complete lies about my behaviour and mothering skills... I can't begin to describe the hurt and pain I live with every day as there is nothing I can do. In the past I have tried to 'stick up for myself' to no avail. It has always ended in me being pulled to pieces verbally, with threats to 'take away the grandchildren' ..... And now that has happened and I am at my wits' end. Yes, I wish I'd been stronger all those years ago and confronted my bullying children. I have absolutely NO idea how to solve this huge problem now....

Nannysparkle and Maidmarion....My heart really does go out to you guys... Don't know all the details so hard to give appropriate comments but what do you think the OP should do?

I can only think from my angle. I would never be controlled and blackmailed by my children no matter how much it hurt me to potentially lose my GC

Maidmarion - would you prefer it IF you had not stood up for yourself. Would you have been happier?

Nannysparkle - think it speaks volumes that No 2 is so different.

No matter what, the only person you need to answer to yourselves is yourself. If you have done all you can then 'what if's' won't do any good. Be kind to yourselves and move on. Children grow up. Whether its how we want or not is not ours to ask but that goes for GC as well.... They may grow up and want to get to know their grandparents. All you can do is make a life for yourselves and leave the door open. May seem harsh but its true.

Coconut has said everything I'd like to say but I know it won't be easy for you. My DD is not like yours at all but she does need careful handling and I know just how difficult it is to confront her. Wishing you all the very best in this situation - please let us know how you get on.

Floriatosca
I have had one hip replacement and awaiting the next one.
From my experience the discomfort, I hesitate to call it pain, I experienced after my first op was nothing to the pain I suffered waiting to have the replacement You will be given pain medication after your op and as long as you do as you are instructed when you are discharged from hospital and with pain medication you will be fine.

I have been tempted to say to my daughter ok , I resign, you can hire a Norland Nanny. However most of the time she is very appreciative.
She has said she will bring me lots of good inco
pads when I am in the care home.
I will want champagne as well.

Dottiw...my daughter can be manipulative sometimes...but after a couple of ‘conversations’ with her she started to regulate her own behaviour. Point is as far as ‘child-minding’ was concerned she needed me more than I needed ‘it’...and she soon started to recognise the help (free of course) that she received from me. The thing is she always has respected me for my being honest with her. I must say
her job is an adolescent psychologist, so although I take her opinions about child rearing seriously.... I also have ‘been there and done that’. She now doesn’t make any adverse comments to me about my way of child care....I suppose she believes any ‘damage’ I do can be easily reversed. Lol. My daughter is now a lot calmer about the kids behaviour and understands children don’t read the manuals on rearing them! So be strong Dottiew and stand up to this bully of a daughter and accept YOUR responsibilities to her . If it means estrangement from your granddaughter for a while...so be it. Your daughter is the person who needs your help right now ( if you’ve not left it too late) as you don’t say how old she is.Be brave...speak up...its the only way with bullies!

Nannysparkle & MaidMarion

Dotty sorry for your troubles with your D and I can understand your fear of loosing your DGD, but as others have said, think she needs you more, with the free child care.
Maybe she is hurting not being the one looking after her D and having to work all day, full time? and is therefore jealous of the time you spend with her D, time she would like to have with her. So maybe this is why she is so angry and unpleasant with you.
I wish you luck in solving this situation

By the way I haven't seen my D&GC for 5yrs now

What a wonderful s.i.l you have ican

So sorry you and dh are going through this, Dotty. Agree with the others that you need to stand up for yourselves. Sadly, dd may be doing this just because she can. This needs to change.

Perhaps take a preemptive strike? Let her know you can't childmind anymore if she doesn't treat you better? You would have to be prepared that this might backfire though. She might find someone else to watch gd - might even be willing to pay for childcare if she gets angry enough. Probably not though, so may be worth the risk.

But Yogagirl has a point, imo, about dd maybe being upset that she doesn't have more time with gd. Perhaps she's jealous of the activities you get to do with her and needs to hear LESS about them? Or the opposite - maybe ask her if she would like you to videotape some of it to show her. Maybe that would make her feel more a part of gd's life? But if she declines the video idea, then don't, of course.

Also, is there a pattern to the things she finds fault with? Do you tend to bend her rules for gd? Does dd think you give into the child too much or are too strict? If you spend some of your childminding time in dd's house, do you take off your shoes if that's her rule? Do you used dishes she has asked you not to? (These are just examples, I'm not saying any of them are actually the issue.) You say you "jump" if she says so, but do you observe her rules for her home and her child when she's not there?

If you find a pattern to her complaints, then maybe you can change your behavior to ease the tension. But if not, then, imo, you do need to take that stand.