NO REPLY

She has walked out of your life because she is young and has a full life and may have problem's in her life that are distracting her

If you want her in your life the effort is going to need to come from YOU

You make the effort go see her call her if she does not pick up call again til she does

You say Mum has mental health issues not a good thing for your GD to have to deal with or live with day in day out you don't know what is going on in the household --just looking at the bigger picture

I think your a lovely caring GM but maybe u r focusing on urself a little too much NOT saying that in a bad way I have done the same

Make the effort sweet she probably needs your support

Oh hey, that last comment was for meandshy. Forgot to say. Sorry about that.

Smileless, please don't "punish" friends 3rd ac for what the other two did. She may be completely different. I don't blame you if you never gift the other two again, but please give the 3rd one a chance.

No one should have to play "piggy in the middle" between an ac and other relatives. Dd is an adult even if she doesn't always act like one. Let your mum know that you're not responsible for dd's behavior and refuse to be put in the middle anymore. After that, if mum still complains, say, "That's a shame," and change the subject. Just my thoughts.

Marylane, I'm sorry you've had so much loss in your life, some of it way too early. It's understandable if that's left you a little "needy." xx

I agree with those who say that 19s are very involved in their own lives and have gps on the back burner. Also, I've noticed that fewer people send thank you notes or emails these days. Yes, they "should" but they don't. Sometimes the younger adults in my family say thank you by a facebook message, but that's it.

Are you on fb? Is gd? Are you "friends" with her there? You might maintain better contact with her that way.

Was she upset by her abortion? Has she gotten over it? Just because she chose to end her pregnancy, it doesn't mean she's not grieving the loss. Maybe this accounts for the change in behavior?

Anyway, I'd say you have a choice to make. Either continue to send her gifts, expecting no thank yous or just send a card, from now on, and leave it at that.

I would generally agree with you tidyskatemum, but since the poster has said this behaviour seems uncharacteristic of her granddaughter, I'm wondering if something isn't quite right in her life at the moment.

I do get fed up with people making excuses for their DC and DGCs poor behaviour on the grounds that a) they have such busy lives - yeah, being glued to their phones and b) if you don't put up with it they won't talk to you ever again. As others have said, it takes no time to send a text but so many young people have no respect for anyone other than themselves and their parents/grandparents end up being total doormats. Send you GD a card and no prezzie next time and find a charity that would really appreciate your money.

It is reasonable to expect a thank you for a gift or a response to a message BUT perhaps this young lady has other things going on in her life that are distracting her. You say her mother has mental health issues and this may have some relevance.

Since you say she has always been communicative and appreciative in the past, I think I would cut her some slack. Her brother is younger and may not be troubled by some of the issues that affect teenagers.

How sad you think this is normal behaviour for anyone to be excused from saying thank you. SVALENTINE60 should keep her very judgemental comments and consider before posting especially as all other messages have been friendly and supportive. I don't see my daughter as she has a mental illness and together with that the OCD she says makes her feel sick when she sees me. I would give anything to see her, have sent letters, flowers but she gets hysterical. There is nothing I can do from my doctors advice but get on with my life which I do by visiting the elderly who see no one but myself. I don't expect to be loved for giving a generous present but get great joy in seeing my granddaughter happy and looking forward to buying something she has her eye on.

Marylane, you have realised that part of this is about your own emotional needs, and that is a very big step for you. It is too much to expect your granddaughter to fill the gaps in your own emotional life, and perhaps she has picked up on this. Also, giving £100 is a bit much (unless you are a wealthy family). I would have thought that £20/£25 was much more appropriate. Don't expect effusive (or any) thanks. 19 year olds often imagine their elders are 'rolling in it', and don't automatically tar her with the same brush as her mother. She's just young and inexperienced. As others have pointed out, although a 19 year old is legally adult, there is a lot of growing up to be done. Thanks will be nice when they are proffered freely and genuinely, and that might be several years from now.

Eglantine- you aren’t alone! I was trying to see from all angles. Seems to be two issues here - manners and needs.

I will keep it generic but if a younger person feels pressure to do anything they seem to go the opposite! I know I did! If I called and someone said anything (what I perceived as sarcastic) “I thought you had left the country” or suchlike I would be even more likely not to call!

Not saying this is the case but food for thought perhaps?

Also the comment referring to OP nagging? Who was that? Not on here was it? When GD text and said she was ok, nothing OP had done, did she say thank you for gift? Ok she failed to call later but that could be for many reasons

Personally I think OP just needs to back off and let GD come round in her own time.

I don’t agree with the posts that suggest bribery either FWIW. Why would it make you feel better knowing someone has only come to see you for gifts?

Being a loving P and GP is as much about letting go as Nurturing. As long as they know you are there, they will return but cause a rift and they may not. Jmo

Eglantine, I thought the same about Smileless's post. It seems a bit sad that the third child should suffer for the sins of omission by her siblings!
I agree that the OP's GD should say thank you and I might reduce my generosity next time. It is the fact she doesn't ring the OP or visit that needs to be minimised because of her age. As somebody else said, 19 year olds can be self absorbed and that is due to the stage of maturity with their brain. They may be "adults" according to societal requirements but they aren't usually in emotional/neurological terms. I wonder how many of us look back at our younger selves at that age and wonder why we were like we were at that age. I know I cringe sometimes when I am reminded!

So use money or gifts to make someone come and see you? I have to quit this thread now. I can't believe how many people think that's a good idea.
And then talk sadly about relatives who only come to see them for what they can get.

Smileless, you are such a nice person, please send to friends child number 3. She might be different

While I agree a thankyou for the £100 is in order, many 19 year olds are just completely self absorbed and don't think beyond what they want. I know it should be different but it often isn't. Don't send any more gifts,she'll be in touch to ask if you're OK as she's missing the gifts!

My step daughter never thanks us for any presents that we buy her and that really annoys me, she is old enough (she is 30) and should know better. She never sends her dad a Father’s Day card or a birthday card, yet as soon as she wants money she is round asking for it. Makes me sad to be honest.

It's very sad to see how things have changed, that a simple 'thank you' is often not regarded as an appropriate response for a gift received.

Yet I'm sure for the majority, 'thank you' is the response given automatically to some one, a stranger, who for example holds a door open so why not the same courtesy for a relative or friend who takes the time to send a gift.

Our friends' son re married earlier this year and we put money in a card as a wedding gift; no 'thank you' was received. The same friends' D had a baby last year and we bought a little outfit but again no 'thank you' was forth coming. Their other D had a baby last week but we wont bother to send a gift this time.

Even our D d.i.l. fails to acknowledge the gifts we send for Christmas and birthdays, and those are sent all the way to Aus.. I end up asking our son if the things we've sent have been received.

Manners don't cost anything and if someone is happy to take a gift they should be prepared to say 'thank you'. As some posters have stated, there seems to be plenty of time to spend texting and on FB so how much of their valuable time would it take to make the appropriate response for a gift received.

I also have a great relationship with my twin Gd's now at Uni miles away.
I wouldn't worry too much about the missing Thank you from her. I give my two £100 birthdays and Christmas and transfers inbetween for the odd fifty quid.
From talking to them I know their life is a whirlwind of tutorials, studying, keeping fit, shopping and cooking for themselves (Bless them).
Sometimes I've had a Thank you off one and not the other,or both of them, or none of them.
I know in my heart that when those girls receive the money they will say "Ooooo! Thank you Grandma" I know they appreciate it, so it dosnt bother me.
I may next time we speak, ask have they bought anything with it and usually get, "Oh yes, a fabulous Trespass jacket, thankyouuuuuuu Grandma!
I know they appreciate anything that I give them. I don't need officiall thankyou's. I love them unconditionally.

Very sorry, but if someone gives you £100 , you should at least send a text to say thank you.
Not to do so is very rude.
Next year just send a card. This young lady will have problems in her life if she treats people this way.

marylane1996 I was so sorry to read this,as a gran who enjoys a good relationship with all 5 of my grandchildren, I don't really have any advice but I do agree with Luckygirl, send your granddaughter a text and take it from there but don't expect too much.

My mum is in your situation Marylane. My dd (23) & my niece (18) don't reply to her text messages as often as she would like. I know from my daughter's situation she is working full time & has a very chaotic home life. It isn't that she doesn't care, she just is caught up in life. I do prompt occasionally when my mum moans to me about it but I honestly find this difficult playing piggy in the middle. My dd doesn't always respond well to me reminding her to reply.
I think, sadly, it's the way of the world. If you find sending presents for no thanks untenable then don't. Harbouring feelings of resentment is only damaging to yourself ?

I adored my grandmother but there certainly was a stage in my life, late teens and early twenties, when I was very lax in seeing her or replying to anything! I got better and started spending more time, staying for the weekend etc. I was heartbroken when she died when I was 36.

I think that you are upset about the lies ...... but saying that a card is on its way is more omission than fiendish lie, and the good old ‘lost in the post’ is shorthand for (in my case anyway) I bought a card, and it’s here somewhere, and I love you and when I get a moment and when I get a stamp .... !

You have had some wonderful suggestions from other people on this post, but in my opinion, do keep it light, don’t (appear to) nag and keep cool about it all, if you can. ?

Is nobody else really uncomfortable with the idea that the OP (or anyone in a rekationship of any kind for that matter) uses money to maintain contact with her granddaughter. I'll give you some money but only if you come to see me? Bribery? Withholding? Exerting control?
It would have me running for the hills if someone tried to control me like that. There have been other posts where the OPs talk about how they have given loads of gifts and money and they're not getting what they thought they had bought ie attention or devotion. I'm not saying the OP did that but some of these suggestions make my toes curl!

I wouldn't take it too personally, I know you must feel sad. But she is a teenager and they can often be ungreatful and full of their own world and problems. She's at a busy time in her life, and may not mean to be like this to you. I don't really remember seeing to my own nan much between the ages of 15-20. But when I had my first daughter and was on maternity leave I spent everyday at my nans house, and we enjoyed many lovely times together, and we're the best of friends. So I wouldn't be worried this will be forever, I think she's just been a typical teenager

Doesn't matter what age she is, manners are manners!

Definitely don’t do an angry route at this. Keep it light. Do you have WhatsApp? Instagram? Go through old photos and send her one on there every now and again. It’s free. With a light-hearted message. Or send something daft to her you’ve seen online. Tell her you love her and miss her. Didn’t see the bit about lying. But I’m afraid young and old people do lie. Forgive and forget. She will come back to you when she’s not busy having fun!

The art of actually writing a note or card is a bit like the dodo, only small grandchildren seem to do it now assisted by mum and including a drawing, everyone else seems to text or email, I agree she should have done this, however, I can just about remember being 19, my grandparents had all gone by then but o'h it was boring to sit down with a load of thank you's to do at Xmas (did do them). Is there any way you could engineer a meet up. Like the idea of sending the card and saying you will give the money when you see them.